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Just Found Out :
How does this work? Broken

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 theshockofbetrayal (original poster new member #80441) posted at 1:09 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

Warning: A bit of a rambling post...so grateful for those who read it. At times the pain feels unbearable.

After 31 years of marriage my husband was caught in a sting and arrested for soliciting a prostitute. He says it was his 3rd time (not being arrested....third attempt with the first two being successful escapades.) He received oral sex, using a condom, and clothes were on with the 2 successful encounters. We have had a tough marriage and we have not had a fantastic sex life especially the past few years. He had a ridiculously awful childhood and I have felt taken advantage of for years. He has been in therapy for years and I have questioned how much they focus on how to have a good marriage. Communication has always been a problem as he struggles to face his history. He has not been able to hear my side of things and it has been very difficult. I have thought of leaving before, but never have for a host of reasons which probably boil down to: I am scared. Also, prior to now, we did have trust and neither of us have ever questioned our love for one another.

Now, needless to say, a line has been crossed. He is not denying or making excuses (beyond at first saying that he "compartmentalized" the behavior but now sees that it was stupid and no excuse.) Weirdly, he said that he really truly believes this would have been his last time (3rd in 3 months) because he is so nervous and upset beforehand and afterwards that he gets sick. Irrelevant, of course. He keeps saying that he is sorry that he is the one who caused all my pain.

I feel doubly betrayed because he has been seeing a psychologist for many years who knows of our marriage; we have actually met in passing. My husband says that when he raised this idea with the psychologist, e just supposedly let him talk and did not weigh possible consequences. Aren't psychologists supposed to do what they can to help prevent self destructive behavior without telling clients what to do?

Before reading "what not to do" on this forum I did choose to rub the arrest in his face once he'd posted bail and took an Uber to his car and then home. I printed pictures of hands in handcuffs and posted them all around the house for him to find like little Easter eggs. Mirrors, the fridge, the pillow in the guest room and on the outside of the garage door for him to find as he entered the house. I also wrote out two lists on which I taped his wedding band. I placed this underneath the picture of the hands in handcuffs placed on the now "his" pillow in the guest room. The first list are things that I have asked him to do that are important t me that he has never addressed. The second is a list of feelings I have had over the years about our relationship along with the new feeling of betrayed/devastated and heartbroken.

I am so scared. I have left the house and am staying at a relative's second home (so grateful for that.)

We have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow....I just feel so lost.

[This message edited by theshockofbetrayal at 4:32 AM, Wednesday, July 20th]

theshockofbetrayal

posts: 9   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022   ·   location: FL
id 8745479
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:33 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

Communication has always been a problem as he struggles to face his history. He has not been able to hear my side of things and it has been very difficult. I have thought of leaving before, but never have for a host of reasons which probably boil down to: I am scared. Also, prior to now, we did have trust and neither of us have ever questioned our love for one another.

What do you want? Finding out about affairs is an inflection point for BS. If the marriage hasn't been working even without the affair, do you really want to invest more time on a low probably that he can reform? Being scared of the unknown is not reason enough. Loving him is not enough.

He says it was his 3rd time (not being arrested....third attempt with the first two being successful escapades.) He received oral sex, using a condom, and clothes were on with the 2 successful encounters.

Cheaters lie. A lot. They will continue to lie. Get yourself tested for STDs. Stay low contact with him for a while to give yourself space to heal. Don't be in a rush to reconcile.

My

husband says that when he raised this idea with the psychologist, e just supposedly let him talk and did not weigh possible consequences. Aren't psychologists supposed to do what they can to help prevent self destructive behavior without telling clients what to do?

See above plus not all psychologists are worthy of the title..

[This message edited by grubs at 2:42 AM, Wednesday, July 20th]

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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 5:30 PM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

I’m so sorry you’re here. What a terrible, traumatic way to find out your husband betrayed you.

His story (only three times, clothes on, etc) is likely an exercise in minimizing or straight up lying. His characterization of what the psychologist said may also not be accurate (or maybe the psychologist is crap).

This is a serious betrayal in a marriage that you admitted was tough. If you don’t automatically see this as a deal breaker, at least take your time and consider carefully what you actually want. Detach from him, focus heavily on self care, and take stock of your situation financially and practically.

What is your gut sense of what you want right now? Do you find yourself leaning toward divorce or reconciliation, or are you ambivalent? I don’t think your feelings right out of the gate are necessarily a good guide or indicator if the future, but it’s a place to start.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month emotional and physical affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020 (soft evidence followed by a month of lies). DD2: 7/3/2020 (hard evidence, truth, started reconciliation journey).

posts: 190   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
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3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 6:04 PM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

I would bet everything it wasn’t three times. And I mean everything.

Don’t see a therapist with him, he isn’t safe to expose your vulnerabilities with.

I guarantee he’s been doing this longer than three times.

After 30 years, why would this all of a sudden start happening? It doesn’t. It’s a slow, slippery slide which he has gone down over a period of years.

Think of this like your husband getting a DUI. He just happened to get caught doing what he has been doing for a long long time.

Ask to speak to his prostitutes. Pay them for their time and ask them how many times they’ve been with him and if condoms were used.

Therapy with him is simply not safe.

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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:35 PM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

Although we can never say "never", it's kind of hard to believe that this is new behavior. I think you're well within your rights to maintain some suspicion on whether or not you've heard the whole truth. But for argument's sake, let's say that you've had an accurate accounting on the actual sex. There's still typically a history of behavior which builds up to the act itself, a series of escalation. Sometimes that starts with porn and then leads to chatting and various forms of contact with potential sex partners. There's an impetus, a behavior which leads to the search for outside sex. HOW did he end up in contact with a prostitute? What was he already doing which lead him to reach out to one?

Cheating is about the cheater. It's not about you or whatever problems you were having in the marriage. When you think about it, there's a CHOICE which has to be made whereby a person makes a conscious decision to exceed his stated values. It's in that gap between the values we claim to have and the actual deeds we choose where our character can be measured. This guy doesn't stand on the things he claimed to stand on. There's a "but..." where his core value of Fidelity ought to be. ie. "He believes in fidelity, but... not if he's compartmentalizing." shocked That's like being "a little bit" pregnant, huh? You either are or you aren't, right? You either BELIEVE in the values you publicly espouse or you don't.

It turns out that we don't really spend a whole lot of time thinking about whether or not we believe our own rhetoric. We jump in the deep end, pledge our troth, but not all of us are really THINKING about the words that come out of our mouths or whether we really, truly stand by them. It turns out that those of us who do prize the core values we claim can't just toss them aside when they're inconvenient. We might not have put a lot of planning into it, but we organically build boundaries around the things we value. The fact that the cheater does NOT build those boundaries tells us all we need to know about the state of his character.

Now, that's not to say that corrections can't be made, but those corrections are difficult because the cheater has to engage in some really painful and humbling introspection to find out where he's gone wrong and he's got to want to fix that more than anything else. He doesn't do these things to save the marriage. He does them because he just can't stand being that guy anymore, and while his shame can be the impetus for change, it can also be his downfall because when the WS can't manage their feelings of shame anymore, they tend to give up the struggle.

For your part though, you can't "fix" another person. He's got to choose that for himself and he's got to do the work for himself. All you can control is YOU, right? You didn't create this problem. You didn't deserve it. And you can't fix it. Your job is to decide what you can and cannot tolerate in your life and then create boundaries around your beliefs and around the treatment you're willing to accept from others. You are NOT required to take this guy back. R takes two and he can't make that decision without your consent. No cheater is owed a second chance. They all know exactly what they're risking even given their protestations to the contrary. He knew when he crossed that line what the outcome might be. So, it really is YOUR call, and you don't have to make that decision until you're damned good and ready to make it.

Take your time and mind your self-care. Eat what you can, drink water and not alcohol, sleep when you can, and get some light exercise. See your doctor for STD testing and to talk about stress management. This kind of betrayal is hard on the body.

((hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:38 PM, Wednesday, July 20th]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5745   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 11:26 PM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

No one has oral sex with a condom on. No one stays dressed during sex. Those claims simply aren't believable. You don't know the full truth. I would request a polygraph before moving forward. There were probably more than 3 encounters, as well. I wouldn't assume that the only cheating has taken the form of these visits. There might have been physical and/or emotional affairs with non-prostitutes, as well.

Cheaters usually only admit to the bare minimum they think they can get away with admitting. I strongly recommend a polygraph to get to the bottom of this, possibly also a PI who can analyze your husband's phone for deleted messages, etc.

You can't reconcile on a foundation of lies and half-truths. That's only rugsweeping, and it doesn't go well, because it indirectly reinforces the cheating by not giving the consequences that come from full disclosure, so it makes it more likely he will cheat again in the future. Don't assume that he won't just because he acts sorry now. Many, many of us on SI have had the experience of cheaters being so, so sorry, only to cheat again years later. The only way to avoid that is full reconciliation and reform of the cheater, which requires total honesty as a starting point, and which takes a long time to accomplish.

Get STD tested, and require him to do so, as well. I don't recommend you have sex with him anytime soon, both for health and emotional reasons. You should repeat the STD testing after 6 months, because STDs aren't always detectable right away.

I recommend you read Cheating in a Nutshell by Tamara and Wayne Mitchell.

[This message edited by morningglory at 5:28 AM, Thursday, July 21st]

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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 12:44 AM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

I'm sorry you find yourself here.
But sister you only have the tip of the iceberg.

1. Get full STD testing.
2. Get an attorney and find out your rights and his obligations
3. Keep your distance as much as possible.

I guarantee you there's a hell of a lot more to this and if he is wanting to save his marriage you get to call the shots. Ask for and demand what you need.

Do not be afraid to call out bullshit when you see it.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19415   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
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 theshockofbetrayal (original poster new member #80441) posted at 3:46 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. This forum has been a great resource. I have been reading about the imaging too as I can't stop ruminating. I am not making any decisions right now about anything. I have left the house and we have started counseling already. The counselor is fair. I may be crazy, but I have "supposedly" known this man-child for 36 years and I actually do believe he is telling the truth...NOT EXCUSABLE, but I do believe this is the first time he has "stepped out. (@morningglory)I have more details now about the clothes situation and his original account was NOT the whole truth...it was part truth but accurate based on the way I asked the question. You are all right...that did not make sense. I am sure he did wear a condom (he is afraid of illness.)

@ChammomileTea - It is not beyond me that I would not know had he not been arrested. It is not beyond me that each step of the way, each of the 3 times, he had the opportunity to NOT make this choice this. Over and over again. It is not beyond me that I have now realized that the values we supposedly shared...clear were not now that we are getting to the heart of it and he chose what he chose. He knows he is shit. At this point he is contrite and willing to work and try and look at himself (I too have to look at myself) I am disgusted and gutted and for the first time need medication to sleep.

He is getting tested for STDs. This has been very short lived and (for better or worse considering where we are) I am not at risk.

We have already had a 2 hour therapy session and have scheduled upcoming regular 2 hour appointments. The therapist is smart...what a terrible time this is. I have never ever felt so low.

For those of you who have tried to and successfully reconciled (I am not saying we will, but I feel lost in a stormy sea unable to decipher my surroundings grasping only to a life preserver for dear life.) How do you get through the early moments? Sitting next to him I am in so much pain as he goes on with his day. It's like he just has gotten away with it even though no decisions for the future have been made. I am sorry I stole your soul while taking forbidden fruit, but let's get on with it. Painfully, struggling, he is willing to work, but....well....does the pain of it ever subside?

[This message edited by theshockofbetrayal at 4:27 PM, Thursday, July 21st]

theshockofbetrayal

posts: 9   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022   ·   location: FL
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:50 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

How do you get through the early moments?

Concentrate on you. Do things by yourself that make you happy. Ignore him and what he is doing as much as possible. You can worry about him and your M once you have recovered and stablized a bit.

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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 4:54 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

He is getting tested for STDs. This has been very short lived and (for better or worse considering where we are) I am not at risk.

But you are. Cheaters lie. Statistically the chances of him getting caught on only his 3rd time doing this are miniscule. There is much more here than you know. I would also encourage you to stop the MC, the marriage isn't he issue. The fact that your spouse chose to cheat is the issue. That is not because of anything that is going on or not going on in the M.

Please see an attorney learn your rights. You cannot choose to stay, leave, or hang in limbo w/o fulling understanding all your options.

I know this is painful to read, but you also have to remember until he got arrested, you would have never believed he would have done any of this. He did. Until he owns that and has proven to you that is all there is, you cannot believe a single word he says.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 5:08 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

I actually do believe he is telling the truth...

A belief is just that, a belief. It isn't knowledge. The odds are very much in favor of your husband having lied and minimized what he's been up to and for how long. Anyone truly scared of illness is not going to get intimate with a prostitute, who services multiple men per day. There is the risk of Covid, herpes (both oral and genital), and every other STD out there. Your firm belief that he did wear a condom during oral sex with the prostitute shows that you are in denial, which is a normal early phase of the coping and healing process. You don't know what your husband has been up to. You aren't safe from having an STD and should get tested.

Make him take a polygraph. That is the only way you have a chance to get him to own up to the truth. If the polygraph experience validates what he says, then fine. But otherwise, he will either crack and spill more secrets on the way to the polygraph (this is really common and is actually the primary purpose of the polygraph re infidelity, because they get nervous and feel pressured to confess before they even get there), or if the result shows he's lying, then that gives you more to talk about with him.

He will undoubtedly resist getting a polygraph- most guilty people do. That should be one of your baseline requirements for reconciliation with him, however. You might resist the idea, as well. I recently read a thread of a BS who was adamant about not polygraphing his cheating wife, emphasizing the importance of trust, but she kept pushing the boundaries of their reconciliation, and finally he made her get the polygraph. Pretty much everything she'd told him was a lie.

You also need to be very careful about marriage counseling. A lot of marriage counselors are unqualified, and often hold harmful, false beliefs about infidelity, such as the "unmet needs" model, which assumes that a cheater cheats because the other partner was inadequate.

A cheater cheats due to a lack of character. There are honest ways to deal with challenges in a marriage, including serious talks, therapy, even divorce, at the most extreme. Cheating behind a partner's back is never necessary. It's a choice.

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:43 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Polygraphs are good only for carefully worded yes/no questions. You already know he's used prostitutes 3 times, and you already know he may be lying. Does it make a difference if he's used them 4 - 10 - 25 - 100 - 1,000 times? For a poly to be useful, you have to know where the lines that will drive your decision are. It will take time for you to determine your boundaries.

When that time comes, maybe a poly will be useful; maybe not. An example: My W came clean on d-day. I got more info over time (I did a lot of interrogating), but everything she said was consistent with what she told me on d-day, and I rejected the advice to do a poly.

Perhaps I could have gotten a poly shortly after d-day. By the time I was ready to decide to commit to R, I thought I was more sensitive to her truthfulness than any poly examiner would be. Sure, I had accepted lies during the A. After her A, though, I'm sure I recalibrated to her non-verbals well enough to distinguish truth from fiction. I think most of us can be better at detecting lies than any poly can.

My suggestion is to hold off on any poly until you know which questions are crucial to your decision. If those questions can be answered yes/no, maybe the poly will help.

*****

Below are some of my recos for living with your H while you decide what to do. Note that a lot is stuff I did that worked for me. I'm sharing only to give you some options. Feel free to copy, adjust, or ignore my recos. What counts is what will work for you.

Read Not "Just Friends", especially the parts on making decisions and recovering.

Feel your feelings. Let them flow. Know your wants, and get them fulfilled to the best of your ability. If you want sex, initiate or accept your H's invitation. If you don't want sex, refuse. If you think you want it but it's not working out, stop - if that leaves you H unsatisfied, so be it. If you want sex but not the way your H is doing it, let him know and ask for what you want.

IOW, ask your H for what you want. If he's unwilling, negotiate a solution, knowing that the solution might be to split.

If you want to be held, ask. If you don't want him to touch you and he approaches, send him away.

If you want to cook, cook. If you want to take care of your meal but not his, so be it.

Test your H as much as you can. If you have lots of common ground and shared desires, maybe R is a good idea. If you don't find common ground, you may not be a good fit for each other, and D might look pretty attractive.

Accept your feelings and thoughts as they occur. I was able to form an executive in my head, and my executive made me ride the waves without beating up on myself or my W. I think that helped me a lot, and I recommend doing that if you can. I certainly told my W when I was angry, but I found much greater release in yelling, 'I'm furious at you for _____' than from calling her names or otherwise attacking her.

I took time pressure off myself. I was quite a bit older than you, I think, on d-day, but even so I knew I was likely to live a long time - I wasn't going to let normal emotional reactions make a decision that was going to affect decades of my life. I kept myself focused on figuring out what I wanted and figuring out if it was attainable without requiring more effort than I thought it was worth.

I dug into myself. I accepted that I wanted to be loved and desired (despite my shortcomings). I accepted that finding out if my W loved and desired me required taking the risk of finding out she didn't. I asked the big relationship questions, know that just one wrong answer could make me end our M.

IOW, you need to commit to make mindful choices about what is best for you. It takes effort and courage. Your posts indicate you have the energy and courage that's necessary to thrive after being betrayed. You've started out by asking the right questions.

Your decision can come naturally, and it's best if you let it form itself organically. I think in terms of head (logic), heart (desires & other emotions), and gut (intuition). If you let them, eventually they'll align, and you'll know what you will do. My strong reco is to let that happen, not force it.

And you need to commit time. Surviving and thriving takes a lot more time than anyone thinks it should. If you choose D, think decision time plus 1-2 years for recovery. If you choose R, think decision time plus 2-5 years to recover and R. You won't always feel as awful as you do now, but recovery is slow. At first you feel good for so short a time that you won't recognize it - but in all likelihood, you'll start feeling good when you make your decision - assuming, of course, that you don't decide too early.

*****

Although your decision is best made while putting yourself first, if you want R, you need to attend to your requirements for R, and you need to find out if your H will commit to meeting them.

R takes courage and commitment from your H, too.

But don't waste your energy thinking about him unless R is a possibility. If this is a deal breaker, recognize that, and save prevent heartache for yourself.

I know it's easy to spend a lot of energy thinking about your WS. It's a trap. Think about yourself and your wants first. Do you really want to grow old with him if he meets certain requirements? Or are you done? If you're done, he's just an obstacle to the D you want.

If R is on the table, what he has done is of less importance than what you both will do to rebuild a marriage that will serve you both well.

Of course he gets away with his infidelity ... oral sex with condoms for pay? Knowing he's fucking up with fucking? Getting arrested? Possibly losing you? Oh, wow! What a great life....

*****

You heal you. Process that pain of betrayal out of your body.

He heals him. He has to change himself from betrayer to good partner. He will probably need a good IC for an extended period to do that.

Together you build a new M. Or not.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:00 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Hi Shock,

Sorry you had to find SI but glad you are taking advantage of all it offers.

You’ve gotten lots of advice about the lies that cheater tell. Please understand this is based on so so so many stories here where the WS made up a story that was just enough to sound like they were coming clean but that they thought the BS would be able to get over. My own WS did this, too. It’s based on so much experience.

You asked how people get through to the point where they can even begin to R. There are two parts to the answer: Recover and time.
Before you can Reconcile (or even really consider it), you need to recover from the shock and trauma of discovering the A. This takes time and a focus on yourself. Don't worry about the M (it’s dead right now anyway) or about your WS. Just focus on you. When you have your feet back underneath you, you’ll be able to gauge if he is R material— it takes both of you in it 150% for R.
- Take good care of yourself physically. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, sleep and get exercise daily. These help your body but also help your mental and emotional health.
- Get into IC (not MC). This is to give you a place to work through your trauma, someone to help you evaluate your WS’ actions vs words, and to decide what you REALLY want. For some, even if we want to R, it just isn’t in our DNA. Sometimes it’s a dealbreaker if we don't want it to be.
- See a few lawyers to understand what D would look like. This is not for you to file but rather to help alleviate the fear of the unknown. You don’t have to tell him about this- do it on your own. Knowledge is Power and you need that right now.
- Get to your doctor for the STD tests (all of them) and have your WS do that as well— and make him show you the results. Some folks engage in hysterical bonding and have sex even during all this emotional upheaval (read about HB to understand the why there) so use condoms and engage in safe sex until both have been tested. (You are taking something for sleep - good. Some folks also end up on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety for short while to help get through).
- Find an outlet besides your IC if you can. A bestie,sibling, parent, pastor.. someone you trust who will support you whether you R or D.
- Do what you need. If you are not up to doing laundry or whatever, then don’t. Focus ON YOU.
- Remember that he is 100% responsible for his actions and it has 0% to do with you or how "good" of a partner you have been. This is his issue, his brokenness and is no way, shape, or form your fault. Don’t let him blame your sex life or anything— he had 1000 other options other than cheating, endangering your health, and endangering his livelihood by getting his dumb ass arrested. It was not a mistake- it was premeditated, repeated, intentional behavior.
-Watch his actions and ignore words. Words are easy. Watch what steps he takes to fix his issues and become a safe partner.

Most of all, trust that you will get through this. There is light on the other side, whether you R or D, and you will get there.It hurts more we want, and takes longer than we want, but you will survive and you will ultimately thrive.

((( virtual hugs)))

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

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brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 10:07 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

I am so sorry you need to be here. It hurts so much. You have already been given some great advice. My husband and I will be celebrating our 40th anniversary next year. My D day was 13 years ago. It was awful. I thought I knew him, I thought I could believe him, I thought he was telling me the truth when he disclosed what he 'had' to which was what I knew. Unfortunately, the trickle truth (TT) started which was little bits of information that would come forward just enough to stab my heart once again. So while you are being told there is more to his story...the cheater rarely tells everything, they try to do damage control and only admit to what they have to. The betrayed partner ends up doing more research or asks questions and the TT starts. Be ready for it. There is a cheaters play book, and minimizing is one of the first plays!

You were advised not to go to marriage counseling right now. I would also agree with that. We went early...and really should not have. The issue wasn't 'us' the issue was him. I finally was able to start moving on when I did my own individual counseling (IC). He also had his. He needed to understand and figure out why he did what he did.

You asked about reconciliation. Personally, for me, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I always knew I was on the '5 year plan', but the reality is that it took me probably 6-7 years to finally let my guard down. I stopped being jumpy at the least little trigger. I finally allowed myself to sleep in (he used to get up before I did to text OW-so I would get up when he did to minimize his availability). OW died last year...and it brought everything back to the surface for me. Which I then realized it, I have permanent scars and it will never be totally healed. We do love each other, we have a good marriage, but it has never returned to what we had before he started. I can't say it is better than before either. All of this is to say, the IC can help you determine if you have the energy and will to try R. The good thing is, there is no rush. You can try and you may decide this is a deal breaker for you. That is ok too. Only you will know what the right decision for you is.

I personally did not tell many people at the time. I am glad as we have R'ed and not everyone needed to know. That of course may be more difficult with an arrest versus a typical A.

Hang in there. As you were told, take care of yourself right now. It is ok to be selfish and just worry about you. There is no rush on time.

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 12:19 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Hi @theshockofbetrayal I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this painful situation in your marriage and my heart goes out to you.
I do agree with you that is better not to make any major decisions when you're going through so much emotionally. It is important that you find IC for yourself and also if you have a family member or close friend that you trust that you can share what you're going through. Going through something like this alone can be tough, so having some personal support at this time will be good for you.

31 years of marriage is a huge investment and I can understand why you would feel uncertain about the future. I remember from my own experience, my H wanting to rug sweep what had happened and pushing for us to try and get back to 'life as usual' but this is not a good basis for true healing and R.

From what you've shared it does seem that there is a lot that has happened in your marriage that you need to address and hopefully resolve before you can start the journey of R.
I do think in the first instance and of priority is for you to spend some time with good professional IC to help you process what has happened and receive tools that will help you heal and be stronger emotionally. I find it's so important to be in a stronger emotional state before making the choice to R because that journey can bring a roller coaster of emotions.

Please remember that no matter what happens you are worthy of love that can be trusted. Sending you much hugs and a prayer for strength and wisdom for the days ahead.

posts: 213   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8745975
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ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 10:21 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

First - I'm sorry that you are here. It's a horrible place to find yourself no matter how many kind voices come to your aid.

Second - take my advice and everyone else's as you please and leave what you don't want. There are no rules about how things work as everyone is different.

Third - there are no absolutes. Yes, most cheaters lie - but not every last one of them. There are some that come clean immediately and fully - they are rare but they happen. Just like yes, most prostitutes do not insist on condoms - but absolutely some do. Again, see my second point - not everything will apply to your situation.

Fourth - you will make choices you later regret during this time. I have yet to see anyone on this site who can't later say "I wish I had done ______ different" - so be kind to yourself and understand that there is no magic path to the other side and you are likely going to make some choice you later which you did not.

Fifth - be kind to yourself and put yourself FIRST now. Everything needs to be with an eye towards what is best for you. It may not be your natural process but start trying to make decisions with an eye towards what would be better for you in the future.

Sixth - THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I used to hate it when people would say that but I'm almost 5 years post d-day1 and honestly the A and the aftermath is such a small part of my life and I would have NEVER believed that when I was in the 2+ years of absolute hell (A + false R lies etc). You will get there. Putting yourself first is a huge step in making that happen faster.


RE: The issue isn't that it's not possible that they wore a condom - I am going to respectfully disagree with MorningGlory on this one as I 100% know some do require condoms for oral sex (how I know this is irrelevant, but I do)....BUT that doesn't matter as MorningGlory is right about the most important part (and I would argue the only part that matters for you) - you DON'T KNOW and so you 10000000% should get tested.

"Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human." - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8747181
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