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Off Topic :
Sisters saying i lie?!

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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 8:15 PM on Saturday, July 16th, 2022

Sister is super jealous of me. Our mom is old and has memory issues. She knows what she likes and wants, but she might not recall a recent conversation or if she has bread at home, even though she has 5 loaves.

Sis started in on me in march saying we shouldnt go on moms dream trip to Germany that she had planned for years. Mom had asked all of her kids and in law kids and grand kids to go.

My sis was being a jerk over email to me when I received notice from the tour group that final
Payment was due in 8 weeks. I fwd the email to everyone going and said nothing else. Just fwd.

Sis emailed the family and said she suggested we not go because my son (who was born after mom paid the downpayment for the tour... Covid pushed this trip back two years and we didnt know he was going to be born until after initial plans were made and down payments placed) was too young to go and we would "All get stranded in Germany"

I had previously emailed everyone last year that I would stay in Munich (the start point) with the baby and let them go on the bus tour. Its literally three days. Then we could all meet up again in Munich and continue our trip. (Mom wanted to drive to Vienna)

I figured sis forgot so I just emailed not a problem. Baby and I will stay in Munich while everyone else is on the tour. And when the tour bus comes back to Munich we will all meet up and continue on. Sis emails again I don't think you understand. You can't partake in any part of the tour, not meals not the sites not the bus tour. Because of the baby we will all get stranded.

Um. What did i say? BABY AND I ARE NOT ON TOUR. We will fly to munich, do our own thing, then meet up with everyone after the tour is over.

It goes back and forth. You dont get it! You can't participate in ANYTHING! (Um. Yeah. I dont care. Ive been to Neuschwanstein before lol. I dont want to go!)

Then her husband gets in on it. Gotta, you need to know that baby cant go on any of the tour. We could try to sneak him in, but we could get in trouble. You need to have everything planned out for him since hes a toddler and relys on you to do these things for him. (VERY jerky, like I dont have three kids)

Ok all- if u have read this far. You know...

I DONT WANT TO GO ON THE TOUR, RIGHT?

Ive seen the sights they are seeing. A bus with a 2 yr old is Hell in my mind. Im cool to stay with me and the baby in Munich alone for a few days.


This goes on for months. Gotta is going to strand ALL OF US. (Dont know why ALL would be stranded?) then they said my attitude is bad and I dont make them feel wanted. I emailed That my mom has paid $1000 downpayment for them to go. If that doesn't make them feel wanted, I don't know what will. I dont say anything much else because i cant fathom they wont go, as it was my moms wish we all go. (Oldest sis opted out years ago) I dont want to be mean and have the trip be awkward.

They keep it up- ask if i have a passport for baby. Its 5 mos before the trip. But yep, i already have it . I take a pic of it and say yes i have it. He says, you are lying. That is photoshopped. This is why we dont feel welcomed! Yoir attitude! Now actually WORK on getting baby a passport. You owe it to your mother, she bought your house!

Um, what does that have tomdo with anything? Except your jealousy?

So.

Sis and BIl are not going. They are with my older sister who never wanted to go, making this trip hard. Older sis who was power of attorney said she was going to cut moms credit cards three weeks before the trip. So mom made me POA because we were like Crap! We are not going if we dont have a credit card! (I used my last $5000 on my debit card to help mom pay for trip. I dont have credit cards) so i have no money. If i had money id gladly use it to get mom to Germany.


Both sisters are calling cops and Adult Services saying mom is unable to make decisions for herself and inscammed her into the poa. They are saying i use her credit cards. I did use them a few weeks ago- when she went to the dr, and when she got medicine. rolleyes

One time they called a welfare check on mom i had her at the hair salon. Hubby called me and told me cops were at our house. Just so happened that there are also some cops in the parking lot of the hair salon. So I went over to them said hey two cops are at my house right now for a welfare check and we are not there but if you want to come to my car my mom just got and you can talk to her see that she's OK. And that's what they did.

Sis texted mom today that I am a liar, and she knows that my mom never got her haircut. And that my daughter does not have Covid. ( my daughter is in europe now studying. She did get covid. I asked oldest sis if she could help me get to England to get to my daughter. Because I had use the last five grand I had for mom's trip. And she never responded. This was over a week ago though. When I still didn't realize how evil my sisters were.)

Now, my mom obviously knows that she got a haircut. And that something I could prove in court because I have the receipt. And obviously my daughter has Covid, I have texts from her I have pictures of her looking very sad and sick.

But lovely people of SI, please explain to me why my sisters would continually say that I'm lying about things that I'm not lying about? Like my sons passport, like getting my mom a haircut, like my daughter having Covid, and there are other things too. I just don't understand why they would say i am
Lying. Is this gaslighting? It feels very similar to when WH and I were getting divorced. And he would talk about what a horrible mother I am and just say really nasty things about me. Because he knew that he was in the wrong and that what he was doing was shady, and that he was not a good parent and he was jealous because I not only am a good parent but I enjoy being a parent.

posts: 3776   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8745051
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 2:21 AM on Sunday, July 17th, 2022

Good grief. They sound EVIL. You should take your Mom to Germany and forget them. Jealousy sounds like the motive.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3236   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8745089
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 1:46 PM on Sunday, July 17th, 2022

Either they're mentally ill or they like drama so much that they will go out of their way to create it. Which is also mentality ill.

Are you sure you want to leave your mom alone with them for a 3-day bus tour?

These folk obviously do not have enough going on in real life to keep them busy.

Document everything so that you can show the court a clear pattern of odd behavior when you inevitably end up there.

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5138   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 8745114
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 3:38 PM on Sunday, July 17th, 2022

Are you sure you want to leave your mom alone with them for a 3-day bus tour?


It sounds like at this point, no one is going on the bus tour, as Sis and BIL backed out, older sis was never going, and Gotta can't bring the baby, so Mom would be alone (?).

Presumably the tour deposit gets lost, which sucks, but at least you booked your flights separately, so you don't have to untangle that.

WW/BW

posts: 2835   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8745133
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 3:40 PM on Sunday, July 17th, 2022

As you describe them, I wouldn't want to take a trip around the block with them, much less a vacation.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3236   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8745135
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 11:49 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

Oldest sis is not going
Middle sis and hubby not going
My family of 5 ARE GOING
Mom is going

I actually got the tour company to ok my 2 year old going on the bus. He is a regular member of the group now.

So we are going. If sisters dont pull some crap at the end. We think they might call out and try to keep mom off the plane. She said if they do that, they are out of the will.

WH asked her, ok, so they are harassing Gotta and they are not out of the will, but if they keep you from Germany they are out of the will? Your trip is more important to you than Gotta?

I am under police investigation for fraud. rolleyes yes. Me. I can barely keep my life together and I am also an under over mad genius. They are specifically mad that I took mom on a hot air balloon ride last year (1,000$) and that she paid for ONE flying lesson if mine. ONE. They are also mad she bought my family dinner one night in a big city. It was $400 (including tip) for 6 people in a big city.

Therefore: I am committing fraud.

posts: 3776   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8745331
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 12:05 AM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Family’s get weird about money.! It sounds like they are afraid your getting the lion’s share of her money.

BS Fwh

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8745332
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 2:12 AM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Thats what it is PP. they say i am defrauding our mom because i have her go on hot air balloon rides and out for fancy dinners and she paid for them. I have been wracking my brain for stuff for our mom to do to get her out of the house because oldest sister DOES NOTHING. (She is 61 and retired. Literally just goes to grocery shop once a week. THAT IS IT. She watches old movies, naps and is on internet all day .) And our mom sits in the house all the time when shes just with sis.

Sis told APS i am defrauding mom. Examples: hot air baloon ride, dinner in big city, flying lessonS (she paid for ONE. I have 18 hours in the air.) Plus my mom has gone up with me twice.

This is such a betrayal from my sisters. I have thought about leaving wh for a long time and i always had in my head after the germany trip since i wanted his help.

Now i cant leave him! I have no support. No sisters. No adult i can turn to! Not saying i will never leave him but this puts a wrench in it

posts: 3776   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8745339
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 4:00 AM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Definitely note take, keep receipts and keep calm and carry on. In our family there were multiple times the will wasn’t adhered to. Your best bet is to take your Mom regularly to doctors appointments that is a medical record. I personally think sister and BIL planned something shady.

BS Fwh

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8745345
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 4:26 AM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Sounds like a pack of vultures circling.

Theyre probably jealous of you in many ways- more than you know.

Keep your head up, keep your receipts and dump your texts and emails with them to a cloud server. And carry on. Youre doing the right thing by provding not only your mom, but your children too, with rewarding experiences that will keep her in all your hearts long after she is gone.

Gosh, I hope I can have a kid willing to take my old forgetful self to Europe when I am your moms age!

You are doing what is best for your mom amd doing what is good for her and the fam by taking this trip. Go, enjoy, and let them stew.

Its sad to think that at 61 your sister has more or less given up. She is so young! 61 year old friend of my H (2nd M... loooong story) has a 6 year old boy! Your second act can begin in your 60s. No need to sit life out on the couch.

Ugh. I hate money... or maybe its more mine and others behaviors surrounding it. mad it is sad thinking of all the cases of parasitic family members out to tear the estate apart to shreds just to get the last penny they feel entitled to. Too bad the money will be cold in their hands compared to the loving warmth of all the hugs they missed out on mot being there to help your mom out and enjoy her company sad

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8745347
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 6:49 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

It boggles my
Mind that these people resent my mom having a good time. Im being investigated for financial
Abuse because i took her on hot air balloon ride. It cost $1000 (we did the private ride, 3 people. It would have been PACKED had we dont the group with two others in the basket we didnt know)

They are mad about a dinner mom paid for in the city. In January. One dinner.

posts: 3776   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8745406
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 7:15 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

This is clearly about money Gotta. I would on a CYA measure, have your receipts ready. Document everything b/c its going to come exactly to that unfortunately.

I've seen families fight over money, and this is exactly that. They're worried that you are benefiting from your Mom's money, and they don't like it. That's what it is. You should probably all sit down with Mom together, and see if you can fix it. At the end of the day, your Mom will pass... don't let money ruin whatever relationship you have with your siblings b/c of money.

I'd hire out an attorney, and try to have the family sit down and talk about it with your Mom still present. (I don't mean to make it like your mom is going to keel over tomorrow and die) But that's really what this fight is all about, its about your moms money, jealousy. The best bet is to have your sisters and Mom be the ones at the sit downs. The Brother In laws need not be present. What they think and believe and their opinion doesnt mean shit. Just you siblings.

posts: 1345   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8745410
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 8:05 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

It sounds as if they resent your Mom having a good time because they would probably prefer she just stay at home - and save her money for their inheritance.

I commend you for doing fun things with your mom. My Mom always wanted to take a helicopter ride but I never took her. I regret that. I was afraid to go up with her and was trying to find someone else to go. She lived with me for years as my Dad passed at a young age. Enjoy your Mom!

And very important -- keep receipts and records!

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3236   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8745422
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:08 PM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

Resentment, guilt, jealousy, and just generally unhappy people all come to mind.

Do you, take care of your mom, and let her do some fun stuff if she can afford it.

The truth will come out eventually. That doesn't change the fact that you are doing right by her, and they aren't. Head up. Enjoy this time.

But you also need to get that POA and durable medical POA stuff taken care of like yesterday before she has any further mental decline. Don't wait until it's too late. That is never a good situation.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19420   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8745583
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 2:25 PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

I'm older and wiser now and as I reflect back on my life, my biggest regret is not believing people when they showed me who they were. Sometimes you just gotta cut the toxic ones out of your life. Because the bottom line here is, your sisters will never, ever, ever, ever give you a smidgeon of credit for caring for your Mom and they'll nitpit over every dime no matter what you do. You might as well smack your head against a brick wall as to try to talk to them.

So do what you want and just enjoy the time you have with her. I agree about saving the receipts and you might even record her when she talks about what she wants to do. And even record her at the things you do, dinners, etc. - proving that she's enjoying herself and actively engaged in the outings. I doubt they'll have a leg to stand on with any complaints because you haven't spent that much of her money and she's happy and healthy but it never hurts to be able to prove it.

The other thought I had while reading your post (and previous ones) is it sounds like your sisters might have substance abuse problems or live with someone who does. That could explain why your one sister doesn't want to go on the trip - addicts tend to avoid travel that might restrict their ability to use. And addicts sometimes act crazy and don't understand what you tell them. The solution is to not talk to them. And, whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of believing you have to justify or explain anything to them. You don't. As long as your Mom is still considered competent, she's able to make her own decisions.

Minor point: If your Mother is paying for something that only benefits you and your family, maybe she should write you a check instead of putting it on her card. That would prove that she gave it to you and that you didn't just use her credit card.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3117   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8747258
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 11:49 AM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

Yes, one sister is an alcoholic as is her husband. I have said several times in emails: hey, you two are alcoholics. You need help. Im here if you need help.

I have also told the APS person middle sis is alcoholic.

Middle sis texted mom. She found out we skipped a castle tour. She said it was a shame and she should try to get the money back for that part of the trip. This is the same sister who mom paid for her and her husband to go, they flaked and mom lost their $1000 deposit. laugh

We went to Dachau instead on our own (we had a rental car). The sister keeps texting its such a shame mom missed out. Mom keeps saying shes happy with her trip .

This is nuts!

Mom is happy. We went to a different castle yesterday. Castles were seen! laugh Maybe these sisters can come back with mom again and make sure they Follow. The. Tour. To. The. Letter.

First we were going to get stranded because ny 2 year old wasnt old wnout for this tour

Then we were getting stranded because he didnt have a passport

Then i photoshopped the passport, and would I PLEASE use my time to get him a passport instead of messing around

Then they felt unwelcome because I was doing things like photoshopping passports (WHICH I DIDNT DO! I can barely check my hotmail. Lol! )

Then mom was not able to handle a trip like this

Then they were concerned (a week beforehand) that she hadnt seen a dr since September! (Do you see a dr every 10 mos?)

I have actual taken her to the dentist and accupuncture. Oldest sister said please take her to dentist, i said why? Shouldnt she go at home? And sis said its just easier if uou take her. YEAH! Easier for YOU!

Now its, omg. You missed a castle tour!! That you've already seen! And saw a different historical site instead! That you had never seen, and you are interested in that time period bc you remember it!

Omg. I am THE WORST. Call Satan. Im obviously going for his job! look

Truthfully- we have had a good trip! Definitely some bumps here and there, but to be expected when traveling with 6 ppl, including a 2 yr old! Mom saw the ONE thing that she try wanted to see, it was an all day thing and wh drove her and everyone else all over for it.

Weve seen two castles, Dachau, Zugspitze, driven the Autobahn, eaten lots of good (and some gross!) food , seen a monetstary, taken an all afternoon tour in one city where we saw lots of sites, a museum, the all day event mom wanted to participate in, and now mom and baby and i chilling out in the hotel as mom is tired! The older kids are out exploring with wh.

I am so proud of myself for getting my 85 yr old mom to do her bucket list trip, wheeling her around (we convinced her to use a wheel chair) and for having a not always so helpful husband, bickering teenage kids, and a two year old to
Also take care of.

I dont care what my sisters say- i am amazing and awesome!! Yeah!!!!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 12:08 PM, Saturday, August 6th]

posts: 3776   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8748506
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:20 PM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

When you get to the point where you need to block them, please do.

When you decide to stop living in chaos and stress, you will make that choice with your sisters, in laws etc.

I am in a cut the crap out of my life mode.

Left my church after 25 years. Don’t speak to rude in-laws. Left my toxic job after 13 years (that company/boss was sued by another employee and the company/boss lost which goes to show you how bad it really was).

Life is good. My motto is you are either with me or against me. If you are against me (like your sisters) then move on. Stop telling them your plans. Stop communicating with them. They are nothing more than mean girls.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:04 AM, Sunday, August 7th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748517
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number4 ( member #62204) posted at 9:38 PM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

Yes, one sister is an alcoholic as is her husband. I have said several times in emails: hey, you two are alcoholics. You need help. Im here if you need help.

First of all, saying, "Hey, you two are alcoholics," will never work. In fact, sentiments like that are what may have led to their recent attacks on you. No one responds well to being accused of being an alcoholic. It needs to be framed in terms of what their drinking does to you... it interferes with the ability for the families to have a meaningful relationship. Doesn't mean the relationship is salvageable if they get into recovery or get sober, but it's a start. They are NOT going to choose recovery because you accused them of being alcoholics; they are going to choose recovery when (or if) they choose to take responsibility for their addiction. When/if they do that, then you can offer help, but not in a co-dependent way, but a supportive way.

Second, if it were me, I would ask myself why I'm allowing such dysfunctional people to take up so much rent in my head, especially given that they've proven they are not responsible, or emotionally healthy. I would also HIGHLY recommend a 12-step group, either Al-Anon, or CODA (Codependents Anonymous), or both. You need to learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself, and keep them. Even if you don't buy into the whole Higher Power belief of 12-step programs, there is a TON of wisdom in those groups, that will give you tools to deal with such toxic people.

The only reason I can say these things is because I saw these flaws in myself... no boundaries, no self-esteem, no self-worth and feeling like the victim in everything. Through 12-step groups (my group of choice was ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics - but no ACA group I know of requires there to be a diagnosis of alcoholism in a parent - just dysfunction in the family), I learned to recognize what good boundaries were, to stand up for myself, set healthy consequences for people in my life who were dysfunctional, and began the journey of liking myself and not defining myself as the victim. What I actually found was, after much reflection in the program, was that my family wasn't the only source of dysfunction - I had friends who I had no business being friends with - they weren't respectful of me as a person, and didn't honor the boundaries I set. And I got support through my program to find and make some new friends who were healthy.

Given what you've shared on this forum about your neighbors and husband, I suspect you have plenty of people in your life who treat you like shit - it's not limited to family/neighbors/partner. When you get back from your trip, for your children's sake (really, should be for yours, but start with what motivates you), you need to get healthy and set an example for them of what being a healthy adult looks like, or they will have no role model in establishing healthy relationships, themselves. And is that what you really want for them?

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8748555
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 5:40 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

I agree about saving the receipts and you might even record her when she talks about what she wants to do. And even record her at the things you do, dinners, etc. - proving that she's enjoying herself and actively engaged in the outings.

I have screenshots of texts about events like the hot air balloon ride. grin

Its so sad, i never in a million years expected this from my sisters.

I dont think they understand that I will not talk to them again. And neither will my kids.

posts: 3776   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8748704
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