I don't post as much as I once did. Still read posts though. I thought I'd give everyone an update as to where I am at. My real Dday was on December of 2017. I gave my STBXWW 6 months to pull her head out of her ass and fix what she broke, but we both knew that she didn't have it in her. In order to heal the wound, she would have had to become a completely different person, something she just could not do.
Well, I just got my finalized divorce papers in the mail. It takes 31 days for them to be official from the date the Justice signs them, and that will put me on a cruise ship with my best friend, coming back from our Alaskan voyage. He was the guy that forced my STBXWW to confess or be outed. He is an amazing friend, and I would take a bullet for him. I owe him more than i can repay. Man, the cruise line is going to regret selling me the drink package, I tell ya.
Even though it's been 4.5 years, I've not really recovered. I think the old me is dead and gone. Sadly, the A has changed me on a quantum level. I've tried and failed at having any type of relationship. Not counting the one I got into much too soon after S, I am either the king of first dates, or I panic the moment anything gets remotely close to almost getting serious. I get panic attacks, night sweats, you name it. I've gone to accept that I may not be relationship material anymore. I do miss the intimacy though, but as they say, you can't get there from here. The last woman I started seeing before I called it off, said it was a shame since I would have made a great boyfriend. Maybe once upon a time,but no longer.
As for the changes in me, the biggest ones are that I don't feel things anymore and I have trouble giving a shit. I've described it on other posts,but instead of having the full eight octave range of emotions, I only have three or four of the middle ones, save rage. That one is still front and center. I miss feeling things, especially when I see other people experiencing emotions. I know that I have experienced joy, but I'm at a loss to described what it is like. It's become just a theoretical emotion.
The not giving a shit has been good. It's slmost like a super power. It's like there are these social-emotional vortexes around, waiting to suck me in, and I can simply step over them because, well, I just don't give a shit.
So, I guess that's it. Further in and further up!
[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:35 AM, Friday, July 1st]