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Divorce/Separation :
I guess an update is in order

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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 2:28 AM on Friday, July 1st, 2022

I don't post as much as I once did. Still read posts though. I thought I'd give everyone an update as to where I am at. My real Dday was on December of 2017. I gave my STBXWW 6 months to pull her head out of her ass and fix what she broke, but we both knew that she didn't have it in her. In order to heal the wound, she would have had to become a completely different person, something she just could not do.

Well, I just got my finalized divorce papers in the mail. It takes 31 days for them to be official from the date the Justice signs them, and that will put me on a cruise ship with my best friend, coming back from our Alaskan voyage. He was the guy that forced my STBXWW to confess or be outed. He is an amazing friend, and I would take a bullet for him. I owe him more than i can repay. Man, the cruise line is going to regret selling me the drink package, I tell ya.

Even though it's been 4.5 years, I've not really recovered. I think the old me is dead and gone. Sadly, the A has changed me on a quantum level. I've tried and failed at having any type of relationship. Not counting the one I got into much too soon after S, I am either the king of first dates, or I panic the moment anything gets remotely close to almost getting serious. I get panic attacks, night sweats, you name it. I've gone to accept that I may not be relationship material anymore. I do miss the intimacy though, but as they say, you can't get there from here. The last woman I started seeing before I called it off, said it was a shame since I would have made a great boyfriend. Maybe once upon a time,but no longer.

As for the changes in me, the biggest ones are that I don't feel things anymore and I have trouble giving a shit. I've described it on other posts,but instead of having the full eight octave range of emotions, I only have three or four of the middle ones, save rage. That one is still front and center. I miss feeling things, especially when I see other people experiencing emotions. I know that I have experienced joy, but I'm at a loss to described what it is like. It's become just a theoretical emotion.

The not giving a shit has been good. It's slmost like a super power. It's like there are these social-emotional vortexes around, waiting to suck me in, and I can simply step over them because, well, I just don't give a shit.

So, I guess that's it. Further in and further up!

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:35 AM, Friday, July 1st]

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8742818
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 12:34 PM on Friday, July 1st, 2022

Hey JSG, I've been wondering how you are. Thanks for the update.

I can relate very much to where you are, emotionally. Especially the joy part. In my case, I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression. I suspect you are going through the same thing. Are you still in IC? Do you think meds might help, if you've exhausted every other coping mechanism?

Glad to hear you are going on a cruise with your friend, and the timing is fantastic! Just go easy on the booze. It tends to make you feel worse, and you don't really need that right now.

Now that the divorce is over, you might actually begin to heal in a real way. A friend of mine mentioned that while going through a divorce, you're in survival mode, and don't really have the opportunity to process everything that's happened. Now that it's behind you, be prepared for a flood of feelings.

I'll be thinking about you. Let us know how you are doing.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4405   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8742889
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, July 1st, 2022

Things will change. I know you may not believe it but it’s true.

You may one day meet someone who doesn’t send you running. Someone who understands you. Someone you want to be around.

Don’t be afraid to define relationships on your terms. Make it casual. Nothing committed. Out for a fun night and nothing more.

And you may not need "relationships" to fulfill your life. You may have other interests and hobbies that take up time and fulfill you. Enjoy the journey.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12307   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8742984
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 3:35 PM on Friday, July 1st, 2022

Wow so much of this resonates with me. Been there, done that.

I have commented quite a bit in the past that "I just feel broken." I couldn't describe it any better than that.

However, I am definitely starting to not feel broken any longer. In fact, I am starting to feel like I might be better than ever before. One "good thing" about infidelity is that my ex-WW abused me so much by telling me all of the "awful" things about me... that I seriously evaluated and re-evaluated who I am/was. I discovered that most of her comments were complete bullshit, but I also discovered some things about me that I didn't like and I have sought to improve those. I definitely have at least one more really big mountain to climb, but I am even making progress on that front.

The above paragraph is not meant to be a "brag" but rather some encouragement to keep growing, to keep trying... because it can get better. You can heal.

Similar to what WTB said, a lot of what you are describing suggests that you might be struggling with clinical depression. I would recommend that you see a primary care physician and get evaluated... you probably can get yourself a prescription for some anti-depressants... which can be a "helper" to get you out of depression. I would also recommend seeing a therapist to start working through some of your issues/bad habits/whatever.

I also was keenly interested in the parts where you don't give a shit. A book that I have read recently is "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" which might be a good choice for you too. It begins crude and funny, but it's also a genuine self-help book. To summarize the book, you need to not care so much about the outcome of whatever you are doing... but you need to learn to enjoy the process. My sense is that you aren't enjoying the process, which is why I suggested that you might be suffering from depression.

Finally, it seems as if you have given up on dating for now. That's probably smart because it seems like you recognize that you aren't ready for that right now. Know thyself, yes?

Anyway, don't give up... keep healing... you might be broken (which is how I felt) but you can heal. I promise. You might have to put some effort into it, but you can heal.

p.s. I am super jealous of your Alaska trip. Something like that is on the top of my bucket list.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5295   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8742989
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:46 PM on Friday, July 1st, 2022

Aww JSG... I get where you're at and thank you for articulating it cus I am definitely kinda there myself. I think it's okay - this part is just part of the process and it will pass just like all the other parts of this journey have. Just keep working on you and living the life you want and the rest will sort itself out. At least that's what I tell myself laugh

As for not giving a shit, I feel that too. But you know? I don't think it's all bad. I no longer give a shit about things that used to get me soooooo worked up, almost all of which were ridiculous things for me to get worked up about and totally not worth my mental or emotional energy. I care about the BIG shit now, not the piddly little crap. That's not a bad thing I don't think.

Just keep swimming my friend!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3516   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8743071
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 5:58 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

Thank you all. Just answer some questions, I'm not seeing an IC. I did plenty of that and have gotten about as much out of it as I can at this point. If I need, I'll go back. On the lowest dose of antidepressants, but mostly I exercise as a way of regulating moods. Trail therapy. Hoping to get to the 1000km mark by the end of September. I'm not naturally a runner, so I need to push myself.

The old saying "You can never go home again" has never rung more true. Now that things have opened up again, I've gone back to our local country bar, one of the only places people of myvage can go in our town, and it's changed. Most of the old regulars are gone, some died and others have moved on. It's now filled with young people, none of whom can dance and clog up the floor. Even the regulars table has been invaded with flip-flop wearing cargo short youngsters. Listen people, you can two-step in flip flops!!!🤣

Part of me was hoping that I could, in someway, pick up at least a few pieces of my old life post Covid and post Dday. Sure, I'll find other things to do, but that will take more effort. I've got a few more days of work, and then the cruise, which should do me good.

Anyway, cheers all!

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8743245
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:42 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

Good to hear from you, JSG. Good luck on meeting your trail therapy goal!

Post-COVID life is going to take some adjustment.

Maybe you can get a group together to teach the flip-flop crowd to two-step. And if you want a chuckle, we used to call those thongs in the olden days. Now, if you start to think of them in thongs.... LOL.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1238   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8743293
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

Well, it is finished. Just got back from the cruise and was able to mark the day the D was official. Had a great day of entertainment and activities, but in a small way, I was a little sad. Family was very important to me and I'll never get to enjoy having an extended one again. I'll miss the big gatherings.

Despite that, I don't regret my decision to D. My only regret is ever meeting my EXWW. Now I guess I've graduated to the next forum.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8745248
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 5:07 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

Family was very important to me and I'll never get to enjoy having an extended one again.

Why not? It's not as if you married and divorced the only woman in the Universe.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8745263
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PowerWithin ( new member #80349) posted at 4:09 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

I was thinking about your description of how you don’t feel things anymore and you have trouble giving a shit. I’m not sure what that means to you, but if I said those words, it’d be because my needs were not being met, and I was feeling shut down or pissed off or resigned, you know?

I’m not familiar with your journey, so I don’t know if you’ve looked at childhood stuff, or if you lend any credence to how childhoods can impact us as adults? If you don’t, I totally understand. Or, if you think there might be a connection between your childhood and how you handle stuff now, I was just reading some of Jonice Webb’s work and she was describing the feeling of being "empty", what it feels like for different people, where it originates, and how to learn more about it. Her website has more info about her perspective on it, in a way that doesn’t blame our parents, but encourages us to meet our own needs now as adults, because we can do that for ourselves.

I always thought my childhood was great, and it’s not so much that it wasn’t…. Like anyone else, I am wired to think differently than lots of other people, so lately, as I increase my awareness of my own thoughts and beliefs, I have been improving my ability to be treated well by others by learning to effectively stand up for myself to have my needs met, while also respecting other people’s ways of thinking and interacting. Still a work in progress, of course. :)

"The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment." - Pema Chödrön

posts: 40   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Midwest
id 8745655
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 5:25 AM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

I’m not familiar with your journey, so I don’t know if you’ve looked at childhood stuff, or if you lend any credence to how childhoods can impact us as adults?

Oh, so looked at my childhood, and let me tell you, it was shitty. Dad died when I was 9.mom beat us pretty regularly with whatever she was holding...shoes, books, pans, spoons... even tried to stab me with a kitchen knife once. Her go to was telling me she regretted not aborting me. So yeah, I'm a bucket of FOO issues and I could probably make a great thesis topic for a PhD candidate.

But,I'm pushing through and slowly making progress. My XWW's A has become the u fortunate catalyst for a lot of personal growth for me. Just keep swimming.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8745776
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messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 3:46 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

This comment:

The old saying "You can never go home again" has never rung more true.


Made me remember how I used to feel that so deeply. I was so angry listing all of the things in my life I couldn’t have anymore and couldn’t get because of my exWHs affair and our divorce. I felt like he took my life away from me and I couldn’t get it back.

There is a line in a song called "my tears ricochet" that goes "I can go anywhere but I can’t go home" and hearing that (over and over because I love that song) helped me reframe it in my head. I started focusing on all the possibilities I had in front of me and really looking at what I was leaving behind - I didn’t lose the chance to be an old person sitting on the porch with their spouse of 60 happy years watching our grandkids because my ex wasn’t a good husband and I never would have gotten to 60 years of marriage feeling happy. But our marriage ending is the door closing thay allowed me to have a chance at potentially having something else that makes me happy. It may be a relationship, or a friend or special times with my kids or a hobby or a career or I have no idea. The possibilities are endless and it’s entirely my life to live without regard to my ex at all, and that feels lovely.

posts: 280   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8745881
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