SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone

I hope this message finds you all well and coping with your situations. I want to thank you all for your help and support these last few months.

I am sure that you are all aware of my story. Unfortunately due to lack of better judgement I was in contact with my WS throughout May and it did set me back. I thought at one point we would R. But that did not happen as he confessed he was still with the WO. But he said he was sad and miserable, missed me, maybe he made a big mistake etc. But all just words really.

I have now gone full NC since 7th June when he dropped off my things. I wasn’t there I told him to leave them outside. He wrapped them with care and told me to contact him if I wanted anything else.

I’ve noticed in the last few days that when I wake up in the mornings I am hit with such a overwhelming wave of grief. It makes me not want to get out of bed. I don’t want to sound dramatic but it feels like being hit by a train of grief, shock and betrayal. I still feel in the shock stage as there were NO indicators at all that he wasn’t happy in our relationship. I considered him my family. The grief is so overwhelming and I have to force myself out of bed and into work. My work is suffering. But work have been understanding.
I am still shocked, and I hate to admit it but I miss him. Which is crazy I know.

I’m doing everything I can to help myself, IC, medication, booked a holiday, keeping busy.

The grief wave really makes me want to contact him, but I won’t for my own dignity.

I just wondered if anyone had experience of this? Of how to manage it? I am worried I may cave and contact him in a low moment.

Thank you all

Summer
I am very sorry for all that you are going through. What happened to you is trauma and you are processing all the emotions that come with it. I used to wake up with a sense of incredible grief and sometimes regret over the breakup of my relationship. I sometimes still do but not as frequently. I can’t even describe the sadness, pain, and the helplessness I feel. No amount of self talk helps when I am in this dark place. Everything looks bleak. Oh the grief!!!! But I force myself to get up and treat myself to my favorite breakfast. I try to schedule something special for myself everyday-grab a croissant from a favorite bakery, call a friend, take a long bath, etc. They don’t always bring me joy because I feel so empty inside but at least I have some things to look forward to.
This is cliche but time does really help. It gives you clarity. It reveals to you things you need to know in order to move forward. It gives you small aha moments that help with your healing.
You are only a few months out from DDay. Gosh I recall how I was then. It was awful. My emotions were all over the place. I would break down any time, any where. I walked around like a zombie. But I am much better now. I can regulate and understand what I feel. My longing for my ex is diminishing. The fog in my head is starting to clear.
You will get better. Progress is not linear and but soon you will see that you are having more and more better days.
You are in the thick of the trauma. This is probably the most difficult time in the journey. Hang in there. One hour at a time. Give yourself permission to feel every emotion that comes. Feel them and let them go. They are not facts. Do not allow your ex to steal your future.

Summertime,

I don’t have any advice but I want you to know I’m right there with you. I feel the exact same way most mornings and getting out of bed is such an effort.

Thankfully I have my sons here with me and they are my motivation to get up and begin the day.

I go for a walk every morning just to get some fresh air and I find the hideous feelings settle for a little while. I am still pretty numb for most of the day other than that but I figure it’s my brain’s way of coping right now.

Big hugs to you xxx

[This message edited by MumaBear1978 at 1:38 PM, Wednesday, June 22nd]

Summer
Also, you may want to delete his contact WHEN you are ready. When you do delete his contact and block him, you know you are one step closer to healing. Detaching and cutting off ties from someone we bonded with is incredible painful and difficult. But sometimes it is required for our sanity. Take baby steps, Summer.

I've been where you are- even worse, at one point I had suicidal ideation. All of the pain, longing, love, etc. went away completely after I went completely no contact for a few months and started seeing other people.

No contact means:

*No seeing him, talking to him, or hearing about him ever again.

*Blocking him from your social media & you disconnecting from his. (Avoiding social media in general is a good idea while recuperating from a break-up.)

*Blocking his phone number so he can't call you. This is critical. If you don't, it's because you're waiting for him to call you. That's not no contact.

*Dropping mutual friends and his family.

*Not frequenting places where you spent a lot of time with him. I actually had to change churches because he still attended my church, and I couldn't move on as long as I knew I might see him each week. That was brutal but necessary.

No contact is like operating on a cancerous tumor. You have to completely cut him out of your life if you want to move on and stop longing for him.

Also remember that calling and begging won't help, anyway. He made his choice, and twice, since you tried to get him back in May. He doesn't love you. He feels guilty, that's why he acts decent towards you (putting your belongings "nicely" on your porch, etc.) It isn't love. He knows you want him. If he wanted you, he'd be with you now.

Dating other people is a good idea. Try online dating if you aren't already. Go slow & get to know people. Read Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and He's Just Not That Into You to get a better understanding of what a man thinks of you at each stage of the relationship.

I still feel in the shock stage as there were NO indicators at all that he wasn’t happy in our relationship.

There were also no indicators that he was committed to you, OP. You weren't married or even engaged. Yet you were moving in with him, trying for a baby, trying to act like his wife. You were always way more committed than he was. Try not to make that mistake in your next relationship.

Thank you DG, mumabear and morning glory.

I really appreciate your support. I read your messages when I can’t sleep. It’s nice just to reach out and know that you are not alone and that what I am feeling is normal.

It’s so nice to be able to reach out and get support. It can be really exhausting feeling the range of emotions all the time. I know we all feel that.

I just try to remind myself that he left me when I could have been pregnant. I had to test alone. While he pursued her. Not one message to ask if I was ok during that time.

I am so grateful to have you guys to talk too. Thank you. X

I’m doing everything I can to help myself, IC, medication, booked a holiday, keeping busy.

I'm so proud of you for that. You really are doing better than you think. Grieving is a process, and it takes time. You're going to feel those losses and some days are just going to be harder than others for awhile.

If you haven't already read it, try The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It's tailor made for your situation and does a really excellent job of explaining the body/brain reaction as well as covering the innate nature of our fear of abandonment. She's got some pretty good tools in her kit to help keep you focused on your recovery too. You might also add Meditation/Mindfulness to your list of therapies. I have trouble doing breathing meditations and get too distracted with whether I'm doing it right, so I would do auditory meditation instead. It sounds like what it is.. pushing everything else aside and listening to all the sounds you can identify for several minutes. Works wonders to put you back in the moment when you've had an unexpected trigger. Four-square breathing can do the same. Emergency responders learn to use it in order to stave off panic. It's just "in-two-three-four, hold-two-three-four, out-two-three-four, hold-two-three-four", and repeat.

One thing which helped me when I was trying to give up rumination was the parable of the Two Wolves:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Our brains are kind of like organic computers and we literally create our neural pathways. Your old programming was a life shared with your cheater and the future you had planned together. You were accustomed to thinking of him in a loving way and believing his rhetoric. Now in the nearer past, you're becoming accustomed to grief and sadness and rumination over what you've lost. So, these are your old wolves, the old neural pathways to which you are accustomed. What you need.. is a new wolf, one of YOUR design, one who is upbeat and has a plan for the future, even if that plan isn't fully formed yet. To all those things you mentioned in the quote box above, you bring your new wolf. You feed that new wolf positive affirmations and optimism, and you starve that old wolf as much as you can. He's not your friend and you shouldn't ever feel sorry for him. He's there to eat your future happiness. I know it sounds kind of silly and a little dissociative, but it really does help.

Anyway, have faith that you're going to be okay. It's going to suck getting there, but you will arrive in the after of it and wonder what you ever saw in that guy. Believe it.

((hugs))

Thank you so much Chamomile. Your post brought me to tears. You are so right, I think I’ve got stuck in ruminating about the WS and WO. It’s so true that I need to rewire my thinking.

Thank you for sharing the beautiful proverb, it is very poignant and true. I need to reach for better feeling thoughts. I will also try meditation too. I will reread your post when I’m in that negative space.

I have started reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and it really helps.

Goodness me what a journey it is! From anger, to grief, it changes on a daily basis. Tonight I was ruminating about telling his family, but I won’t. It’s the injustice of it all but I have to let it go.

Thank you. I know that I need to get control of myself, my thoughts and feelings.

Thank you. Xx

Sweetie, you aren't required to be his secret keeper or to take the high road. The only judge you need to be thinking about is YOU. Heck, if you want to post it on social media or send his family a poignant letter of farewell, that's your call. Your cheater gave up any right to have input on your life or your choices. I'd change all my contact info so he wouldn't even get the satisfaction of leaving an angry message about it and then I'd do whatever pleased me best within the confines of the law.

((more hugs))

Thank you Chamomile, it certainly something to consider. 😄 it just makes me so angry that he got to walk away after 4 years with just text messages to say that he was leaving me for someone else.

It’s shocking how you think you know someone. I don’t think I will ever trust fully again.

I’m just grateful for this site and all the support from you all. Thank you. X

it just makes me so angry that he got to walk away after 4 years with just text messages to say that he was leaving me for someone else.

That speaks volumes about his lack of character.

Stay strong and true to yourself.

Yep, this is normal. Totally boringly normal (even though I know it doesn't FEEL boring when you're in it!). When I was in this spot during my separation and divorce, I thought of it like a broken leg that had set badly. It needed to be rebroken and reset and that caused pain, but it was pain that was finite and that would ultimately allow the break to heal. And it did heal - it took time and distance, but I promise you it DOES heal.

Stay no contact.... STAY NO CONTACT. Every contact you have with him rebreaks that darn leg and just prolongs your healing and your pain. It is SO hard going no contact and sticking to it, but the longer you do it the easier it will get.

In the meantime, I suggest making some new goals for yourself. Could be as simple as getting a manicure or as complex as taking a trip to Europe. But by setting some goals for YOU that YOU get to control and have and experience will help you to refocus on YOU and your life. Spoil yourself (within reason LOL), and be kind to yourself, and know that healing and grieving this is not a linear process. It's okay if you're not okay and whatever you are feeling is normal and I promise you it WILL pass. People said that to me at this point in my journey too and I remember thinking they were nuts, but they were right 100%.

Hang in there!!

(((Summertime)))

I’ve been there too…. Feeling pressed down, drowning in grief and shock and the horror of all of it, feeling so overwhelmed and betrayed. It helped me to learn that a lot of it comes from our brains trying to protect us, wanting us to remember how unsafe and painful this is so we try to avoid it in the future. But that part of our brain can be pretty primitive - it activates automatically, but it’s hard to switch off unless we do it consciously.

It really helped me to start becoming curious about my own thoughts…. Bringing consciousness to my thought process. If I was like, I’m stuck, I’m drowning, I can’t do this…. I was able to start responding to myself with self-compassion and self-love: "Ok, well… I have been thinking these thoughts about feeling stuck, and that’s okay. Now, how can I find something inside me that feels ready to start doing, start redesigning my life, instead of drowning?" It is HARD at first because the feeling of overwhelm is almost crazy-making. It took a while, but I kept finding sources of outer inspiration that helped heal and fortify my inner strength.

I started using the Insight Timer app in the morning, before I even got out of bed, so that I could give my brain alternate positive thoughts right away. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s free and has tons of positive uplifting guided meditations of various lengths and topics. David Gandelman’s messages have been life-changing for me.

This quote from Yogi Bhajan helped me so much: "If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all."

Also Pema Chodron’s book When Things Fall Apart. Short chapters, easy to read, so validating and inspiring.

Thank you so much Chaos, Elliekmas, and power within. ❤️

I really appreciate your kind responses and for taking the time to offer support and tips for dealing with these horrible emotions.

I will definitely try the meditation app to change my mindset in the mornings. Mornings are definitely the most challenging time of the day.

I keep reminding myself that what he has done is cruel. Not normal. I healthy break up does not end in you having to take medication to get through the days and nights.

I am starting to see things more clearly now. The lying, the cheating. The triangulation. Which is actually helping.

Thank you again. X

‘Waves of grief’ speaks to me. I have those too… not just in the morning.. throughout the day. But in the morning when you first wake up it’s reality punching you in the face. I often woke up in the beginning and came to the realization that this is no bad dream… it’s a real life … my life. And because it’s horrific it hits you all over again.

Totally get that. It knocks the wind out of me.

I’m so sorry you are going through that and hope in time the sadness lessens or goes away.

[This message edited by Emptyglass at 9:59 PM, Monday, June 27th]