I force myself to figure out what I want and to ask for it if it's not forthcoming.
This is what I have done too. We had gotten into a pattern way before my H's A of me being the giver of the M and my H being the taker. I saw it throughout our M. I always knew that we couldn't change anyone else...just ourselves. So I accepted that my H was the taker...and changed to help our M stay on track.
That ALL changed on Dday. I still knew that I couldn't change anyone else...just ME. But NOW...I REFUSE to change my core values to accept what others do. IF someone doesn't change to accept MY core values...then they don't need to be in a relationship with me. This was subtle...but HUGE for me. I knew for a while that my H was a selfish person. That was alright then...because I still felt that WE complimented each other and that HE would always have my back...so I let those selfish things slide. I was doing what Dr. Phil often said...I was TEACHING my H how to treat me. Well...he was about to learn some new lessons in how I was going to be treated!!
I gave my H ultimatums on Dday...and let him know that he was going to have to be UNselfish if he wanted to stay with me. I honestly didn't think he would do ANY of them...he NEVER did them before for sure!! I was very surprised when he agreed to every one!
The ultimatum that helped me to see my H's actions of unselfishness...was the one where I told him that two times a month he was going to have to PLAN something...just for me. He knew what I liked...and there were things we didn't do because HE didn't like them. That was alright...until Dday!! It was awkward at first because my H had never done this before. After several months of this though...he told me how much he really LIKED it . He said that he didn't know HOW to do something like this before...so he didn't do it. He said I seemed perfectly fine with the way things were...so he just kept it up. But when he actually started doing it...it was really much easier than he thought. He was so HAPPY to see how it was helping me to heal too . He told me it was really EASY...and it made him feel GOOD to do something for me .
There is a part in the book "Not Just Friends" that talks about how the TAKER of the M is not as happy as the GIVER. That surprised me...until my H told me how much he really LIKED doing this ultimatum . Jesus was right...again...when He said that it is more BLESSED to give THAN to receive . Unfortunately...a lot of people believe that it is MORE blessed to give THEN to receive . My H was certainly one of those people...always wanting something after he gave something. NOT ANYMORE !
One particular event my H planned...it was a trip to the NOLA art museum . I had been several times with my children...but my H never was into it and he had never been. But he planned a trip there because my favorite artist was having their artwork being displayed there! After we were finished...and enjoying beignets in City Park...I asked my H what he liked the most about the art museum. He told me it was seeing my face light up when we entered the room where my favorite artist's "masterpieces" were being shown . It was right then and there when I saw how GENUINE my H was about being UNselfish...a GIVER .
Have you seen GENUINE change in your H? Expand on THAT . I can only speak about my H...but when HE saw that these changes were HELPING me...he learned which path to go on. IF you have seen this in your H...then it really could be that your H just doesn't KNOW how to help you. This is where YOU can teach him .
I guess I just want more - tell me how you feel about it. Tell me how you feel about my sadness. Silence and the quick "I'm sorry" just make me feel like he wants to close the door and back away as soon as possible.
I am sure you have brought this up to your H in the past. I know it seemed like my H was being resistant to what I TOLD him I needed...at first. Then I learned that I had to be very specific in what I needed. For instance...I wanted my H to HOLD me when I cried. My H NEVER did that...EVER. On Dday...that was one of my ultimatums. I told my H that I only cried when I was at a breaking point...and I NEEDED him to hold me. Later I learned that my H had always felt I was being manipulative when I cried and he wasn't going to allow me to manipulate him . He has since changed his mindset about my crying being manipulative. I would have never learned WHY my H never held me before...and he would have never learned WHY I needed him to hold me...until we both discussed it. It SEEMED so simple in MY head...but because we never discussed it...I really DIDN'T know . As you can see...we both ASSUMED a lot about what the other was thinking .
I can't speak for anyone else...but for ME...I realized that my H didn't have the tools he needed to be able to help me. Once he had these tools...by me telling him and showing him...he was EAGER to help in any way he could. Do YOU see this in your H?
Silence and the quick "I'm sorry" just make me feel like he wants to close the door and back away as soon as possible.
I LIKE the way your worded this...how it makes YOU feel . I WANTED to hear, "I'm sorry". But I wanted to hear WHY my H said he was sorry. Every time he would say those words I would ask, "Sorry for what?". He then learned that I wasn't just going to accept those words! When he would say something that didn't jive with what I was feeling...I let him know. When he DID jive with my feelings...I would tell him, "Thank You". We are now able to discuss situations calmly as well.
More than likely, he won't even want to watch the show again.
How would this make YOU feel? Do you WANT to watch it again? Or will you only remember the trigger and it will ruin watching it?
I understand this trigger very well SadieMae (((HUGS))). Do you think you can reframe this trigger in your mind...to take it back...or as I like to call it...to OWN it? Your H had another "first" date...but his LAST date...or his BEST date (or whatever POSITIVE word you want to put on it) will have been with YOU .
NONE of us can change what happened. But we can ADAPT to our new situations...and make them BETTER . Heck my friend...as much as we have all changed since Dday...I know that YOU are a NEW person . So...in all actuality...YOU...the NEW YOU...are actually the person that your H had his LAST FIRST DATE with !!!