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 heartbrokeninaz (original poster member #40779) posted at 2:02 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

So sick of my husbands bs. I have given him chances time and time again. He has been good the last 3 years but now he is facebook messaging one of our mutual friends. She is older and smelly and has a mustache but he doesnt seem to notice. He doesnt know I am logged into his account. Nothing sexual but I feel its a bad slope. I am not leaving until my son graduates from high school. I need his income because we just bought a house and I cant afford it on my own. Tonight he asks her over for happy hour with another mutual friend who is male.Then tells me oh Genie is here. I am like why is she there? He says probably for happy hour. Seems deceitful to me when I know you invited her over. Do I let him hang himself? Do I say something? Do I just shut up and wait 4 years? Its eating me alive. Been dealing with his shit for 9 years. How do any of you who stayed deal? I am numb to any feelings of betrayal anymore. I just cant leave financially. I love him not sure that I am in love with him anymore. Please help me mess with his mind! Any suggestions appreciated! I dont want to be numb for the rest of my life. I want to torture him馃ぃ. How do I keep my sanity for 4 years? He works in a diffeeent state then me 3 months out of the year. Same crap every 2 to 3 years. He has slept with 1 of these women in that timeframe that I am aware of. He keeps hitting up mutual friends who are easy targets. The last one told me before it went anywhere. Anyone staying and dealing with this?

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 6:00 AM, Wednesday, June 15th]

BW 48(me)WH 48DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenadoDDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.Still a frog

posts: 339   路   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013
id 8740262
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:26 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Get yourself a financial plan and get out.

What you are attempting to do is going to push you towards misery that is not necessary.

Get an attorney. Get a plan.

Get the hell out!!!!!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12110   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740271
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 3:47 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I agree with the1stwife. Can you come up with an exit plan? This is going to make you miserable.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2825   路   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8740276
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 4:42 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

You're miserable, OP. Your real marriage, based on love and fidelity, is over. Get a free or low cost consultation with an attorney and go over your financial situation. Divorce might be an easier financial option than you assume.

Your son is over 18, so presumably you don't have to stay in one place for custody reasons. If you can't afford your current home on your own, you could possibly take your divorce settlement and move to a more affordable area where you can afford to own.

Ask the attorney what your financial options are, and what actions would be in your financial best interest. And by that I mean, exactly how you should time your filing for divorce. You absolutely do need to leave this guy, who is always going to cheat and lie, as you know. Don't wait 4 years. Stay another year or two max, if the attorney thinks that would help you financially long term. But it might not be necessary. You'll only know once you've gotten the consultation. In your place, I would get two or three consultations, to get multiple professional opinions and have some good, useful info on what your options are.

At this point, your only real question should be how to exit your marriage, not whether to exit your marraige.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:45 AM, Wednesday, June 15th]

posts: 348   路   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740282
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 heartbrokeninaz (original poster member #40779) posted at 5:59 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

My son is 14 not 18. Thats the issue.

BW 48(me)WH 48DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenadoDDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.Still a frog

posts: 339   路   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013
id 8740284
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 6:37 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Is it for financial reasons only that you need to stay?

Could you consult with an attorney to see what options you might have?

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2825   路   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8740285
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 10:36 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I see. Since your son is a minor, you will receive child support, which will be helpful. Do you have a job? If you are the lower income earner or have no income, you should receive alimony. Talk to an attorney.

This isn't a healthy relationship to model for your son, and it's miserable and unsafe for you. STDs are real and you could easily get one from your husband.

posts: 348   路   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740290
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:20 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Here are some suggestions on an exit strategy.

You start putting money aside in an account he doesn鈥檛 know about. In six months I saved a crazy amount of money 鈥 enough to survive one year if my H decided but to pay alimony or child support w/out a court order.

Start figuring out where you want to live. City or state etc. BTW you could move out right now and NOTHING can stop you. There is no custody order in place or legal document that prevents you from leaving.

If you did leave your H would have to start a legal battle to get you to return. And he would still be required to pay alimony and child support no matter where you live.

Start planning for your future - job, apartment or home etc.

Get copies of all your financial documents - tax returns, bank account statements, investment and retirement account statements. Copy of mortgage statements and deed to home.

Figure out your monthly expenses - down to haircuts and kid expenses etc. have an idea of what you need and what you might expect for alimony & child support. Many states have formulas (Ex 35% of salary for child support - random example).

See an attorney to understand your rights in a D.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:20 AM, Wednesday, June 15th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12110   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740292
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:15 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Start figuring out where you want to live. City or state etc. BTW you could move out right now and NOTHING can stop you. There is no custody order in place or legal document that prevents you from leaving.

Do NOT follow this advice.

Do not take your child far away without mutual agreement. Even if you tell your husband where you're going, this can be construed in court as you purposefully making it difficult for your son to have time with his father, and could cause you to lose custody, depending on the judge and lawyers involved in your case (and your husband's intention).

I've been through custody court. Your goal is to appear to be (and I'm sure you really are, but appearances count in court) an excellent parent who does everything in the best interest of your child. Custody judges believe that it is in the child's best interest to have both parents in their lives. Moving far away during separation could lead to you appearing to not want your child to have his father in his life, you could lose primary custody or be ordered by the court to move back to where the child has lived before the separation.

Again, talk to an attorney before taking action, especially about custody, which is even more important than money.

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:17 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

posts: 348   路   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740307
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:21 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I will add that because you're financially dependent, at least until the divorce is finalized it would be best for you to keep living in your current home. In most states you have the right to keep living there, even if you file for divorce and your husband pays the mortgage.

Staying in your home is much easier financially than you moving out and trying to make it on your own before the settlement money comes in. If you're financially secure with a home during the divorce, it will also keep you from folding early during negotiations and taking less than you deserve, just because you think you need money now. So it's probably in your long term financial best interest to keep living there, too. Of course, it won't be pleasant to live with him, but it isn't pleasant even now.

Again, talk to an attorney about this, to make sure this applies in your case.

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:26 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

posts: 348   路   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740310
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 heartbrokeninaz (original poster member #40779) posted at 5:21 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I earn more than him but cant afford the house alone if I want to eat. I know he will just dump the house on me and he will take the rv which we owe a ton on still. The housing market is tanking and we wont get our money back if we sell it right now. So basically I am stuck. My son does not know about his dads infidelities. But I am sure he will figure it out at some point.

BW 48(me)WH 48DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenadoDDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.Still a frog

posts: 339   路   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013
id 8740341
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 heartbrokeninaz (original poster member #40779) posted at 5:21 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 5:22 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

BW 48(me)WH 48DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenadoDDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.Still a frog

posts: 339   路   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013
id 8740342
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:48 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

He doesn't get to decide that. There are legal formulas and procedures for ending a marriage. He's not in a position to just run away like that, not if he doesn't want to KEEP RUNNING, that is. The long arm of the law will eventually find him if he tries it.

In most jurisdictions, assets and liabilities are equally divided. If you're earning more because he is under-employed, a case can be made for the court ordering full employment. If you can't afford the house and the RV, both can be sold. I just can't imagine living in such misery. Surely, the discomfort of having to make a settlement must be better than being deprived of authenticity in your life.

Give some thought to booking with an attorney or financial planner to see what's possible.


ETA: It might not feel like it just now, but you're still young with a lot of life ahead. You don't want to regret lost years later on. Time doesn't wait. It just keeps on going.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 5:51 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5637   路   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   路   location: U.S.
id 8740348
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 6:11 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Def see at atty!!!!! My friend got a legal separation and he had to pay the house til their son graduated!!!!!!!!

She got child support and temp alimony. She got a payout of $10,000 from his 401K.

Also, if ur WS doesn鈥檛 live with you, your son should get more $$ for college.

If you work and file taxes and your son lives with you, you can maybe file Head of Household and get the Earned Income Tax Credit.

My atty told me to play it really cool and he had a PI try to get photos of my WS with OW.
He said I could have gotten more $$ and a quicker D.

Lastly, I don鈥檛 want to scare you, but my xh moved out. Please see an atty now so you won鈥檛 be caught off guard.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:13 PM, Wednesday, June 15th]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5414   路   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8740353
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:06 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Agree with others. Get an attorney and know your options. You may be surprised. Many offer free consultations - take a few up on them. Get a very clear picture of what your life would look like financially.

As for the messages - it isn't a slippery slope it is an EA. The person's age, appearance, etc. doesn't matter. It was done in secret of you and therein lies the problem.

I hope you are keeping a record of your findings. That may come in handy. If you aren't already, it not too late to start.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello鈥揗y name is Chaos鈥揧ou f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3477   路   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   路   location: East coast
id 8740448
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 3:18 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Getting a free consultation with an attorney might give you a better idea where you stand and or plan for the future.

Only you can decide if staying a few more years is something that is necessary for your future financial security.You need to weigh the pros and cons. Ultimately you're the one that has to live with the consequences of your decisions.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2825   路   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8740449
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cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 6:14 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

I stayed for the last child to graduate. That鈥檚 what I told myself. I too was dead inside. Hopeless. Lifeless. Everything continued to worsen. Right now, do you see how cruel he is being? What husband treats a wife this way. The abuse is growing.

This left me with ptsd. I thought I could wait it out. I fell out of love too. abuse affects you. Paperwork doesn鈥檛 stop the symptoms of emotional abuse.

The rejection and cruelty became constantly. Increased constantly. The blatant lies. Then he left me for another woman.

I thought this is great. Divorce will be easy. I had ptsd. I was a wreck. I barely functioned. I mean barely. With setting up house elsewhere. Moving. Numb doesn鈥檛 even come close to describing it.

The divorce became physically violent. It broke up our family. My kids where embarrassed and ashamed of us. I fell into deeper depression. Then. I was alone. My kids even stepped away. I started healing.

Looking back..I am still glad I stayed so my child could graduate. I still believe he would drop out. I didn鈥檛 have a way to function. One foot in front of the other. I paid a very high price.

My son is successful. He鈥檚 married. And expecting his first child. We are better. But we all have scars. I stayed for him. I also know I was so broken, I was never going to leave my husband. I was not capable.

It will get worse. You will be pushed to the limit. It鈥檚 a high price. Drs. Meds. Therapy. Lack of trust. Hopelessness. I met evil.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 6:22 AM, Saturday, June 18th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4774   路   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   路   location: athome
id 8740794
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Bigger ( Attach茅 #8354) posted at 11:50 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

Would you be willing to share in what state you guys live where one spouse can simply take marital assets and leave the other with all marital debt?

I have a strong feeling that you haven鈥檛 done much research on what divorce would look like. Yes 鈥 there would be changes and possibly you wont be able to afford the house. But its doubtful to near-impossible that he can simply get the RV keys and drive into the sunset with no further financial consequences.
Plus 鈥 with a 14 year old chances are your house-requirements are changing. The old "family home" might be 1-2 rooms too big for the family you might have some years down the road.

Remember:
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10739   路   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8740803
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 6:29 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

Do I say something? Do I just shut up and wait 4 years?

Those aren鈥檛 your only two choices.

As everyone else recommends, see a lawyer, learn your options, weigh your decision make a plan. If you plan to stay for 4 years until your son is 18, then make sure on that day that everything is in place and do it. Those long range plans don鈥檛 involve your WH either, so leave him out.

Knowledge is power, power is control. You have the knowledge, you have the control. If you let him know you know, you give it up. Let him think he is the master of the universe, playah extraordinaire. Do what is in your best interest.

Do you want to stay in a jail of your own making, though? The gate is open for you to walk through.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

鈥淭ell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?鈥
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2840   路   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8740850
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:26 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

What do you hope to achieve by confronting him? Do you want to reconcile and hoping to shake him up? Do you want to let him know that you鈥檙e planning leaving him eventually and severing the marriage in all but name? Or do you just want to have a "gotcha" moment?

Knowing what your motivations are could help give us guidance on the best course for advice.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 781   路   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8740865
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