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General :
Please tell me I will get better

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 DailyGratitude (original poster member #79494) posted at 5:12 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I am 9 months from dday and D
My xwh left for AP
I believe I’ve made progress but can’t help feeling like I will be stuck forever
I ruminate and talk about the affair to anyone that will listen
I am tormented when I sleep
I journal and have weekly Ic sessions but I can’t get over the grief, sadness, anger, and trauma of my new reality
I need to hear from those who walked this path and have survived
I need to hear success stories please
I need to know things will get better and I will get my life back
I don’t want to grow old and live in agony

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8734871
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 6:00 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I was 52 when my XW started down the infidelity path. I was 55 when we separated and she moved out and 56 when the divorce was final. I was devastated. I remember saying that I wish I could just die (never had thoughts of self harm) and I was convinced I would never be happy again. I lost 30 pounds on the betrayal diet - barely eating 5-600 calories of ashy tasting food. I obsessed about the betrayal. I made a couple of friends that I could talk to and wrote a lot. I probably averaged about 3 hours of sleep per night for many many nights and months. I went to counseling. I cried. I stared at the wall.

I can point back to New Year's Eve 2020 as a turning point in my mental and emotional state. I suffered through the holidays and simply moped through as I recalled all of the previous 31 years of holiday as a married man. I made a choice on New Year's Eve to simply let go and move on (my divorce was final 12 days later) and not allow my misery to define who I was. I wrote her an email on that evening and told her that I was choosing to move on. And then I started acting like a generally happy person and tried to not think back too far or let my mind stay in the past.

I realized that I was no longer in misery. In fact, I discovered I was happy. I had new friends, new activities and a new outlook on life. I enjoyed sleeping in my own bed alone. I enjoyed just deciding to go do something and going and doing it without checking her schedule.

I lightly dated a few people and discovered that the opposite sex still found me attractive. Now I ride bikes with other people, go kayaking with friends, have nights out with groups and am in a very good relationship with a fantastic lady.

I'm not perfect by any means yet, but I am so much better than I was. I don't fear growing old alone and miserable and bitter.

It just takes time. I continue to work on myself every day and find that life gets better as I go along.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 392   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8734875
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:16 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

IT WILL GET BETTER! I wish I could be there in person to wrap my arms around you and tell you this!

My marriage didn't last as long as yours and we didn't have children together, but like you, my ex flipped a switch... he loved me until he decided not to anymore. He didn't beg and plead. He didn't promise to cut off APs. He didn't even delete any messages or change any of his passwords to cover his tracks, which is the first thing most busted WSs seem to do after they get caught and are trying to cover their asses. When I told him I wanted to separate, his response was "Well how am I supposed to pay rent on this place with just my salary?" The only time he cried was when his friends and family members called him after I left to see how he was doing and he needed to score sympathy points; meanwhile, he emailed his AP about how "relieved" he was that I was gone. You can only imagine how crushed I was to read that... I had this fantasy that he came home to an empty apartment and the shock would make him realize how much he loved me and needed to win me back.

Eight years later, I find myself happily remarried, we own a house (which wasn't possible before because of my ex's non-existent credit), and we have children (which my ex kept putting off, probably because of his affairs). My career has also taken off because I'm actually able to focus on my job instead of how fucked-up my marriage is. I got my good looks back because I'm no longer binge eating or breaking out in hives because of the stress.

The best advice I got was not to think about the future, but to try to get through 1 hour. I know it seems like nothing, but trying to get through one hour is much more manageable then the rest of your life. And if you get through 1 hour each day without ruminating about him or the affair, then do something to reward yourself. Eventually, 1 hour turns into 2, which turns into 3, etc... until you've gotten through an entire day without even realizing it!

The only caveat is that you can't expect the process to be linear. I would go for weeks in a perfect state of meh until something triggered me (like seeing his favorite movie pop up on the screen while channel surfing) that would send me spiraling. But the good thing is that, over time, I recovery from these bouts became quicker and easier.

Please, please, please do not give up on yourself! Give yourself compassion and grace, as if you were your own best friend.

As an aside, the one thing I noticed in your post is that you don't mention friends, family, or loved ones. Do you have any people in real-life to talk to and lean on for advice and comfort? While I'm sure you don't want to be an emotional burden on anyone, it is important to have confidants as well as people who can take you outside of your own head. Regardless, please know that we're hear for you and we care.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 737   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8734876
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 6:31 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I was married for 3 months when I found out my H was cheating on me. I did the "pick me dance" like a pro and won...he came back to me. Almost 2 years later I caught him cheating again. This time though...we had a baby. He left me for the adultery co-conspirator. Their lurve affair lasted about 2 weeks duh .

We never lived together again...but he would come to me...play nice...until he found a new "shiny". I was so scared to be alone...to be a single mom...to not have anyone else love me...so I kept settling for his crumbs. One day though...I found the strength to say NO MORE smile .

I met the man who became my 2nd H...and when my 1st H saw I was seriously dating...he finally decided that I was THE ONE rolleyes . It was too little too late. I have NEVER regretted going for D with my 1st H!

I felt my 2nd H and I had a pretty solid M...until HE cheated on me after we were married for over 2 decades crying . I learned a HARD lesson from my 1st M...and REFUSED to settle!!! I have NEVER regretted going for R with my 2nd H!

Having a cheating spouse leave for their adultery co-conspirator is HARD. Having to R with a spouse who cheated is HARD. We can't control anyone else...only ourselves. But Dear Lady...that means YOU are the BEST person to help...YOU smile . You can PLAN what you want YOUR LIFE to look like. Then you can set about making it what YOU want it to be! Take baby steps...maybe it is having a plant to look after...or a new wall hanging for your space. Whatever will bring you PEACE...search for that smile .

It is almost 40 years now since my 1st H left me for the adultery co-conspirator. To ME...it is just something that once happened in my life...sort of like having my tonsils taken out. It was painful at the time...but the scar has healed...and it has NO effect on my life NOW. NOW is what counts grin !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6035   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8734884
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:53 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

(((DailyGratitude))) You will get better, but it takes time and you are 9 months out. The healing timeline is the same whether you R or D (or you can be a masochist like me and do limbo until losing your mind). I thought I would never feel better even at 2 years out. Something changed around 5 years out where I started to feel better and like myself again. embrace the days you do feel good and know that the difficult one's will pass. It's not easy to deal with infidelity and grieving the M.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8211   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8734914
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Chicklette ( member #70303) posted at 6:29 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Want2behappy has more or less said what I was going to say. My first husband left me for his AP when I was in labour with our second child. I thought I would die from the pain. Like you I could barely talk about anything else or think about anything else. My poor baby was baptised by my tears every night. But time passed and I gradually realised I was healing. I did little things to make me feel better, such as decorating our little flat. My daughter’s birthday was always a trigger, so when I didn’t have to hide and cry on her fifth birthday I knew I was healing.

5 years later I met and married my second husband. After 27 years he decided to cheat, so when I found out i threw him out. Nobody was going to treat me that way again. But we decided to R and I don’t regret it. 3 years later our marriage is in the best place it’s ever been.

Time will pass. Be kind to yourself. Do things that make you happy. I would hug you if I could. 🥰❤️🥰

Me: BS 59 at DDay
WH: 61 at DDay
Married: 27 years at DDay
Dday: 22 March 2019
In R since 11 April 2019
I love him and have forgiven him. He’s very contrite.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Essex UK
id 8734982
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mommabear1010 ( new member #79915) posted at 4:12 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I;m not quite through to the otherside of things since I still have to move out, but something that has significantly helped me when I start to feel sad and "miss" what I'm going to be leaving is that I give myself a reality check that what I'm missing wasn't good at all.

For example, I think of NYE. This NYE it may be just me sitting alone on my couch. So what? This past NYE sure I had my WS sitting next to me on the couch but he was texting his AP the WHOLE TIME. Why am I missing that? I'd rather be by myself than go through something like that.

Giving myself that cold dose of reality check helps. I'm SO MUCH BETTER OFF without the dead weight of a cheater.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 41   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8735132
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:22 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

It gets better. There are still bad days, but soon you will look back and see that you are better than you were a couple months ago. It is small and incremental as it happens, but all those little improvements really add up. It;s like weight loss - you don’t see it pound by pound, but when a few have added up you see a difference.

I found there were times I got stuck, too. IC helped me through that, and often it was fear that had me stuck. So naming it, figuring out how I could minimize it (knowledge, practical things like getting a job, etc.) helped. And looking at what I had already survived and realizing that if I could make it through that I could make it through this, that helped too. Lean on your resources. Journal. Exercise… all ways to get things moving.

There is no timeline. It is not linear. Just take care of what you need to every day, be kind to your mind and body, and give yourself some grace for feeling overwhelmed. You will be okay. You really will.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8735138
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