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Reconciliation :
A year on and things have changed

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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 3:35 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Yet another post from me banging on once again........

As I'm sure you are all aware I'm coming up to 1 year post DDAY. Its been a roller coaster but I thought we were getting there.

My wofe has been trying so hard. She was willing to answer my questions, go to IC and CC and so on. However in the past week or so my wife has said we need to stop the daily questions and the affair talk. She understands we need to talk about it but not every single day. I agree we need to limit this to give us a chance of moving on.

Over the past year my wife has done everything to try and fix this. Even now she is still trying really hard, however things feel like they have changed.

Our communication is great, our sex life is better than ever and she does everything she can to make me feel wanted. But things really have changed. I said this to her. I had a gut feeling. I always said I would trust my gut after the affair. Over the past week or so she seems to be down. She looks un happy.

I asked her a few times over the past week and she has been saying, we are ok and nothing is wrong. But today she admitted that she feels tired and is unable to relax.

I Googled this and it come back saying being tried and unable to relax after and affair is to do with grief or missing some one.

I asked her about this and she states that she isn't missing him.Its not about him. Its about us. She said look at what she has done. She just wants us to be good again with out the shit.

I cant help thinking that she is really missing him and thats why she is feeling this way. I see written all over her face that she is down.

She has just finished the time of the month which she agrees could have caused her to feel this way.

She keeps saying none of this is about him and its just about us. She said she just feels tired and at times feels like she could cry.

A few weeks ago we were laughing and joking hand in hand. Now it seems a black cloud is right over the top of us.

Is she feeling depressed because of what she has done or is she now really missing him because its been a year. Or could it be worse could she be getting cold feet and thinking about contacting him or even may already have been in contact with him?

Im looking for advice on if you guys or your WS have felt this way.

Thank again for the advice and listening

posts: 62   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8734682
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

First, the runup to the 1st 'antiversary' is difficult for some of us. I was a wreck for the 22 weeks between the start of the PA and d-day in 2011, a year after the A. I wasn't much better in 2012.

You in a rough period.

Second, are you thinking that your W is missing her ap? That's by no means a certainty, no matter what Google says. Sometimes a person needs to work to figure out what they're feeling, but they're the only one who does know.

Third, I get that your W is tired. About a year out, I figured I has asked every question I could think of multiple times, but I still want to keep asking. I did 2 things that made life better.

I asked myself, 'What's the positive outcome of asking this question?' Often I just want reassurance. I got much better responses when I asked for reassurance directly. smile

I also asked myself, 'What am I feeling - mad, sad, glad, scared, or ashamed?' I kept it very simple. When I knew what I was feeling, I could express it directly. That worked wonders, too.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27110   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8734687
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 4:28 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

@sisoon

Thank you for the great advice.

I keep reading that I need to feel the emotion and then deal with it head on. But I don't know how to do that. I feel the emotion but it just seems to linger.

My wife keeps saying its not about him. Its about us. She hates what she has done and just wants our life back.

But I know its hard for us now. We are going through a rough time. Anyone would compare and miss what they had with the AP compared to the shit we are going through now.

She keeps saying she is tired. She is happy but we always talk about the affair and she never knows what mood I'm going to be in.

Im sick of feeling second best. Like I'm having to compete with something that I will never be able to compete against.

I think she is missing what she had and its getting her down

posts: 62   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8734694
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 4:55 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I’m sorry you’re here, your pain is palpable.

Your WS has no empathy for your pain. Listen, I know it’s tiring for the WS to listen to all our pain, anger, frustration, it makes them feel bad, it makes them feel shame.

WS should not though dictate the healing process as long as there is evidence it does happen.

From my own experience: my WS stopped "rolling his eyes" (telling me that he can’t take it anymore, that we only talk about the affair, that we need to move on and stop constantly talking of it etc) when he found real empathy for my pain and that only came when he realise the magnitude of his betrayal.

Breaking news: you cannot MAKE them realise it and find empathy. They either do or they don’t. What made my WH wake up and stop the demanding behaviour? The thought that he lost me. There was a point where he broke me beyond repair where I realised that it’s either get out or die for me, as dramatic as that sounds. At that point I checked out emotionally and meant it, simultaneously my WH realised he wanted his family after all and started working hard and putting real effort in saving it.

Breaking news part two: once he got his head out of his proverbial…, we spoke about the A probably every day for 3 years. No, he wasn’t just sat there like a deer in the headlights as he previously used to, he participated in these conversations understanding it is the only way to support my healing. He also changed IC as he lied the previous one and she enabled him in his beliefs rather than challenging him. Those conversations evolved, we spoke about the affair details on repeat until my brain accepted and my heart couldn’t take any additional pain. It then moved onto discussing us, discussing him, where he was emotionally and mentally pre affair and post affair.

Right about this point we started MC (late year 2) because it was clear we were now on the same side, we were agreeing on the main points, he knew why he did what he did (at a deeper level) and we needed guidance to cope with everything and save our marriage.

I know some people in R navigated things differently, having scheduled talks which could also work. You could journal and then raise the points still bugging you during your scheduled talks.

Look… they say communication is the main ingredient in any successful marriage. If that is correct then how does your WS think she can repair and build a better marriage when all she’s saying is that you cannot lean on her and communicate your feelings, worries and pain because it makes her feel bad?

I can tell you this: one reason for which we feel we have a stronger marriage is because we survived TOGETHER one of the most traumatic events and saw each other at our worst. Because there were moments when things were so ugly (no physical violence I hope that’s clear) that only by truly loving each other we must have kept going. 5 years later, the A still gets mentioned in passing here and there. Either by me or my WH. It’s part of our history. It doesn’t bring the same raw emotion, it’s something that we processed together.

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45 at the time of the A
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1459   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8734704
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Omnipicus ( new member #79316) posted at 5:07 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I’m in such a similar situation man. I’m 10 months in and my wife has really put a ton of work in. She has worked her ass off.

I bet your wife is tired and uneasy bc she has done so much work to fix this and still is on edge that you could just walk out the door tomorrow. That causes a ton of anxiety for her. But that’s the price you pay for infidelity.

I would say this: your wife is not telling you that she loves you and you are her most important to her. She’s showing you. And that is extremely important.

Words mean nothing in infidelity. True remorse and change is in action and it sounds like your wife really has tried her absolute best to show you that she things will be different.

For you I’d say stop talking about the affair. Maybe set up one more time with her and ask everything then be done with it. Imagine you did something terrible like tell her darkest secret to your family? Wouldn’t you be tired and full of anxiety if she kept bringing it up for almost a year and you didn’t know if she was leaving?

It’s hard but at this point you need to decide how you’re gonna move on from this: either with or without her. Bc it’s not fair to you or your wife to keep going on about this affair all the time a year after. It’s just her reliving her worst mistake over and over again and you keeping it in your mind instead of moving on from it.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2021
id 8734707
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cgreene ( member #55644) posted at 11:54 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

You're only a year out - I couldn't possibly have agreed not to talk about the A at that point. Its been 6 yrs since DDay and still questions occasionally pop into my head or I get triggered by sth and need to say sth. I don't always say anything and don't always ask the question these days but sometimes I still need to.
That's the thing you have to explain to your wife- the need to ask questions, the need to talk about the A. That it's not about making them feel bad but about making you feel better- in the first few years I felt that my head was going to explode after a while of not mentioning the one thing I couldn't stop thinking about. My WH was reluctant to talk about it or bring it up- of course he was, it made him feel shame and anxiety and was upset when I would inevitably get upset. What took many many explanations (some of them calm 🙄) was the understanding that the consequences of not talking about it were soooo much worse. Painful as it is most BSs NEED to talk to heal for as long as it takes. (Regularly that is, not ALl the time) She should feel much more anxious about you leaving if you don't talk about the A at this point in time.
6 yrs out it's not always in my thoughts and so we don't often talk about the A but these days my WH knows to acknowledge every trigger and will answer any questions without defensiveness or shutting down in shame. This is hugely important to me and so for our R.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2016   ·   location: uk
id 8734930
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:48 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I’m in such a similar situation man. I’m 10 months in and my wife has really put a ton of work in. She has worked her ass off.

I bet your wife is tired and uneasy bc she has done so much work to fix this and still is on edge that you could just walk out the door tomorrow. That causes a ton of anxiety for her. But that’s the price you pay for infidelity.

I would say this: your wife is not telling you that she loves you and you are her most important to her. She’s showing you. And that is extremely important.

Words mean nothing in infidelity. True remorse and change is in action and it sounds like your wife really has tried her absolute best to show you that she things will be different.

For you I’d say stop talking about the affair. Maybe set up one more time with her and ask everything then be done with it. Imagine you did something terrible like tell her darkest secret to your family? Wouldn’t you be tired and full of anxiety if she kept bringing it up for almost a year and you didn’t know if she was leaving?

It’s hard but at this point you need to decide how you’re gonna move on from this: either with or without her. Bc it’s not fair to you or your wife to keep going on about this affair all the time a year after. It’s just her reliving her worst mistake over and over again and you keeping it in your mind instead of moving on from it.

I have to agree with this, if you are asking her the same questions over and over again daily, she's bound to be tired. I can see questions popping up, but not constant. There has to come a point where you believe you can move forward, or you can't.

The other thing I see in your post, is she is telling you how she feels, and you believe google instead. Has it always been this way, or only since the affair?

[This message edited by nomudnolotus at 12:50 AM, Friday, May 13th]

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8734941
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 1:10 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Who knows why your wife suddenly feels down? It could be from the exhaustion of one year's worth of dealing with the trauma of her affair, a realization that the marriage will never be the same, or she truly is missing the AP.

You need to have a very serious conversation with your WW without judgment or drama. You must insist that, above everything, she owes you the truth as to why she feels down. Believe me, she knows the reason and it is most likely one of the three possibilities I list. Unfortunately, if it involves the AP, she fears that the marriage will be over if she provides you with that information. But you need to know. She owes the truth to both of you. It is the least she can do.

posts: 622   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8734946
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

We're not in your wife's head so obviously none of us can tell you exactly what she's thinking, but I absolutely have no trouble believing that if she's doing all the work to repair the relationship and constantly being on her best behavior, she is emotionally exhausted and depressed. She's probably so afraid of screwing up that she feels like she can't be her authentic self. She can't even be in a bad mood because you will think she's missing her AP.

And it's also very likely that she thought that, eventually, everything would go back to the way it used to be... but now that you're approaching 1 year since Dday, she has to come to terms with the fact that her actions caused permanent damage. That's called facing consequences.

I have sympathy for her, but only up to a point. She chose this path; you didn't. As much as she's sick of talking about it every day, I'm sure you're 10x more sick of thinking about it every day. You probably miss the past even more than she does. And I'm sure you wish that you could simply take her at her word that she loves you and doesn't miss her AP, but you've been put into a position where you trust Google more than your wife.

Even though you clearly love your wife and want to stay with her, I think it's important for you to ask yourself whether you think you can actually live with and make peace with what's she done. Similarly, she needs accept that previous status quo is never coming back and consider whether she can stay in a relationship in which doesn't get the benefit of the doubt. Hyper-vigilance on your part and perfection on hers just isn't sustainable.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 737   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8734947
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 11:55 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Thanks to everyone for the replies

My wife still is willing to talk and I got the wrong end of the stick if we listen to what she says.

She understand that we will still need to talk about it and she would never say stop we aren't doing this anymore. But she says we cant do it every single day. She would like a different conversation at times.

I have been feeling different over the past week but more so today and yesterday. Im feeling like its not like it was a couple of months ago. It feels like the affection is dying down. But I look at it outside the box and I see

She is always holding my hand. In the car, in the shops, on the sofa even in bed. (That little bit of affection goes a long way at a time like this).

She kisses me before work and kisses me when returning home.

She always texts when she gets to work and tells me she is there and says she loves me.

But in the past week or so may be a bit longer it feels like the emotional side and the sigs of affection are not as intense. Because thats what i have been use to, now I'm not getting them when I think I should get them I'm thinking things are wrong.

Its not like she is leaving me to sit in a corner and not answer my questions and is giving me no love what so ever. But I feel like I'm boring her.

I feel like I have become a routine. Some thing she feels she has to feed in order to try and keep me happy.

But she says that doesn't make you happy because your always so sad. Do you think her seeing me so sad every single day would have an affect on her? She said she hates seeing me sad

She says she is happy but she hates the shit, she hates what she has done and hates seeing me sad all the time and hates what she has done. I am very sad at home at time. I do admit that. But I'm hurting.

She keeps drumming into me that i haven't lost my kids and she is going nowhere. She wants this and isn't going to mess it up, we will be ok and she promises that. But to me its all words.

I have had bad times in the past but i got over them. This time its different. Instead of the negative feelings being about me, its more about her.

I think is she bored with me, does she really want to be here, she looks down and sad. (it has been the time of the month for her) and she blamed it on that. But its a gut feeling. Im not doing enough, I'm failing short of what she wants. She will say its not true but i feel it.

I feel I can not be enough and compared to what she had in the weeks with her AP. She was happy, she had fun. She missed him when she was away from him when the affair was on going, why isnt she now. She says but it was seven weeks and it meant nothing. But i remember the 3 months post DDay and she was a mess. Them weeks didnt mean nothing.

There are times when she says she feels like she wants to cry. I ask why and its because of what she done to us. Is that really or is she missing her AP.

Has anyone else felt this around the 12 month period and does it pass. Is it in my head or is she getting sick of trying and just going through the motions

posts: 62   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8734996
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:41 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

One year for the BS is commonly pretty tough. My ex gifted me with leaving for the AP so I didn't have to deal with that. You are responsible for your part of R. In the end you have to heal yourself. Whether she's still in your life or not. You state she's there and she's trying. What are you doing? What have you done to break the routine? To find joy? You're not responsible for repairing the damage of the affair, but you still need to carry your part of the relationship. Are you doing that? There's a lot of I Feel and I Think in your last post. Most of it pretty pessimistic. Is that reality or yourself trying to sabatoge to protect yourself? If sabatoge, why? Is there red flags or is it just your fear of another betrayal. If it's real, maybe it is time to start considering pursuing D.

posts: 1122   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8735111
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ShockedAndShattered ( new member #79685) posted at 7:40 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am at 8 months out from the original Dday and 1 month out from the most recent. My gut hasn't been wrong yet in regards to my WH's affairs. If I felt something, I was proven to be right time and time again.

So, I would usually say "trust your gut". But in this situation it sounds as if she *may* genuinely just be tired, sad, depressed about what she's done and shameful for the pain she's caused you. I want to believe that everyone has a good person inside them somewhere. Maybe that's my toxic trait, who knows?

My WH is very open in sharing how terrible he feels about the hurt he's caused and the damage he's done now that he's taken the time to actually sit in, own and understand his level of deception and betrayal. I can see it in his eyes when he talks about it.

Don't dismiss your gut feeling. Keep it there. But also, show your gut feeling the actual evidence in front of you.

I'm sorry if this seems all over the place. I'm not convinced I'm thinking straight yet.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find peace in your heart.

BS(me):42 WH:43 Married 3 years @ 1st DD
DDay 1- 9/11/2021 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/2021 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/2021 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs
DDay 4- 04/11/2022 Confirmed PA w/1 EA
Currently in R

posts: 19   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021
id 8735180
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 11:05 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Everyone is different so what I am about to write may not be good for you. But you could consider it.

R is a partnership. By your own account you seem to have a WW that is tryjng to do her part. I personally think that you should try to limit the A talks to 2 or 3 days a week, max. On the other days, go workout or do something just for you instead of discussing the A. At some point covering the same ground every day after an entire year is not only going to wear her down but it may not be good for you either.

I think she would have to be superwoman to not be impacted by it; I dont think it is related to her thinking of her AP and missing him. Instead, it is a consistent reminder of her screwing up and seeing your pain. Yes, she needs to deal with that because she caused it. However, R is a partnership if it is going to work and it may be time for you to try to make some adjustments in how you interact too. You may find yourself feeling better if you can come up with a few healthy and entertaining strategies to engage in on the "no affair discussion" days.

posts: 576   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8735220
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:28 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

She is always holding my hand. In the car, in the shops, on the sofa even in bed. (That little bit of affection goes a long way at a time like this).

She kisses me before work and kisses me when returning home.

She always texts when she gets to work and tells me she is there and says she loves me.

But in the past week or so may be a bit longer it feels like the emotional side and the sigs of affection are not as intense. Because thats what i have been use to, now I'm not getting them when I think I should get them I'm thinking things are wrong.

No one can keep up with the emotional intensity of the hysterical bonding period. If that's your barometer, than of course it's falling short.

It looks like you're focused on your WW like a laser beam, and that probably feels very natural for you to be that way. When we first begin R, we're reinvesting in a person who has proved their ability to be unsafe for us, and it feels really scary. We're anxious and depressed because we're going against our instinct to remove ourselves from the unsafe thing which has already resulted in so much injury. It stands to reason though that if we want to continue the relationship, we have to reinvest in out fWS, right? Here's the deal though... you don't have to invest more in her than you've invested in yourself, and from here, it doesn't look like you've made proper investments in YOU.

Try changing your focus from watching her every little move and striving to derive hidden meaning from it, to focusing on YOU and making sure that you are providing yourself with what you need emotionally. There's a book called the Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson, and in it she's got a neat little exercise called Big/Little which can help you get in touch with your inner feelings. Don't be put off. The book is geared towards people who have split. But it's probably THE most helpful thing I read in R. The author reminds us that we are born with a reflexive fear of abandonment, one that we carry with us forward in life and to our primary relationship. But we are NOT babies anymore who are dependent for their very lives on the care giving of others. We can care for ourselves. We can tend to our own emotional needs.

I think what you'll find is that once we've made the proper investments in ourselves, we're more confident in R. We know that whatever happens, we'll handle it. The relationship is no longer capable of breaking us. We're free to simply enjoy it without being reliant on it for our happiness.

I know that sounds pretty easy. It's really not. It's hard to refocus your attention and make yourself primary. Every instinct says to keep doing what you've been doing, watching the WS and looking for signs of deceit. But once you have elevated your relationship with YOU and become confident that she can't break you, everything in your life gets better. You start feeling like you again.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5429   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8735331
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