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New Beginnings :
First post D relationship

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 sootired (original poster member #22952) posted at 4:10 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Hello all, been a while since I posted here lol. My D was finalized Feb of 2020. We were separated several years prior. I did not start dating until after the D was finalized. This past September I met some one and we hit it off and have been dating exclusively since.
The problem is I have reached a point were I am pretty certain I no longer want to continue.
We get along well and have mostly common interests. I have met her kids and she has met mine and, so far , that has been good.
But, there were a few issues early on that have recently become very concerning that I though initially were chocked up to a busy day or other reasons that I was able to overlook in the beginning, but have gotten overwhelming for me. I am embarrassed for her to even say what the issue is, but it has gotten to the point were I am losing my attraction to her. And, if I am honest, has prevented me from letting myself develop any deeper feelings for her.

I do feel like it is time to break it off, but I am having a tough time with it. So many emotions, new and old, I am so confused and, due to the subject matter, would be horrified to speak to any of my friends about it. Besides, they just carried me through a bad divorce, infidelity and they deserve a break lol.

I feel so alone, anxious and so confused. Wondering why I even decided to go down the relationship path again. I have thought many times about talking to her, but we are 55 years old and this is more than just an annoyance or difference of opinion. She does not take care of herself. A systemic hygiene issue that affects her home, car and herself. And the more comfortable she has become with me, the worse it is getting. To the point where I am concerned about mental issues or substance abuse.

She is a professional and a very sweet person and we have had so much fun. I don't understand how this can even happen. I think that is part of the problem, I kept convincing myself that this must be my imagination. But it is not. Sigh.

Not even sure what I am asking here, just need to get my thoughts straight I guess

Me 55 Divorced
Her 43 WW-24 month EA with some PA followed by ONS with another
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 False R
2016 EA, probably PA
Divorced 2/2020

posts: 518   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2009
id 8734368
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 4:44 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Sotire, you're 55 man. Try talking to her first. If she doesnt change, than you can move on knowing you at least gave the woman a chance to change. I do agree with you, its not likely that she will, or even if she does change, it may be not enough. Then you have to decide if you're going to pick up the slack of that poor hygiene and cleaning. Its okay to voice your opinion to the matter. If you do not, it will only get worst, and you leave any ways. Might as well at least give her a chance by asking her to clean up a bit. See if she keeps it up, if not, than you have your answer.

posts: 1312   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8734380
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

I would have a sit down and talk to her about it. Maybe she would be interested in changing those things about herself. It also could end the relationship, but I couldn't deal with poor hygiene or an extremely messy person.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8217   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8734382
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 sootired (original poster member #22952) posted at 5:14 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

thanks crazy and halftime. I am not even sure how to begin that conversation. Trust me, I have tried. though the break up conversation will not be any easier i suppose

Me 55 Divorced
Her 43 WW-24 month EA with some PA followed by ONS with another
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 False R
2016 EA, probably PA
Divorced 2/2020

posts: 518   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2009
id 8734387
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funnelcakes ( member #45249) posted at 1:05 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Yo tired,

I see this as an unqualified success. You have walked through the hellfires of infidelity. You have worn the gasoline panties of divorce. And you’ve had a pleasant and fun dating experience! Dude! You’re surviving and thriving!

You don’t have to do the pick me dance with NB partners. You can be really picky about who you let in. It never has to be as bad as infidelity to be, "Thanks for the nice time, best of luck out there." In fact, I think it’s great practice to be able to do this well. If you value good communication in a relationship, you can tell her that you value honesty and know that a good relationship is one in which we can talk about the uncomfy stuff.

If you want to have a conversation, be direct but kind. Like, "I’ve noticed this thing that’s really distracting for me. When your dishes pile up/dog pees on the carpet/your breath is really strong I have a hard time being present in the moment and I find I’m not enjoying myself. I’m worried about salmonella/ your subfloor/ new health concern. Is that something you’re able to address? "

This seems kinder than saying she smells or whatever. Then watch her behavior. You’re not there to save her. But if she’s a capable, tuned in person she may save herself.

There are a million reasons people aren’t the right fit for us. We don’t need to take on projects if folks are dealing with some hard stuff. They don’t need to aim their mental health needs at their date. We don’t need to show marriage level for better or worse capital C
Commitment to folks we’re exclusively dating.

I will say one of the things I really treasure about my gentleman caller is that he really prioritizes himself and his space being clean if I’m over. He’s a single dad so I’m understanding if life’s gone sideways with art projects and tiny pink teacups but he’s great about freshening up his guest bath, always cooking for me from a clean kitchen, and being freshly showered when I come over. Turns out sex with someone who brushes their teeth and washes their behind is pretty hot too. If that’s important to you it’s important to ask for it, in a kind and respectful way.

d-day in August of 2014, when I was SAHM 34 weeks pregnant with kid #3
A year of incontinent alcoholic cheater word salad and shitweasely blameshifting during R/S
I got a job and busted a move with three kids to a 1BR apt
D final 4/27/17.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Oct. 15th, 2014
id 8734453
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:44 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

thanks crazy and halftime. I am not even sure how to begin that conversation. Trust me, I have tried. though the break up conversation will not be any easier i suppose

Tell her, "We need to talk", in a serious voice. That's enough to evoke dread in anyone who's been through a big break-up in the past. That will give you her undivided, sober attention. Then be candid, but not cruel, about what's bothering you. Make it clear that hygiene, etc., whatever specifically the issue is, is a dealbreaker for you. Then also make it clear that you'd like to see her turn the situation around so that you can stay together.

Of course, if this isn't the case & you're already really turned off and ready to leave, then you shouldn't say the above and should just break up with her instead. Make sure you know if you really want to continue with her before giving her the chance to change- don't lead her on.

Then, if you give her a chance, sit back and watch. See if she acknowledges her faults and works to improve them, or if she tries to turn the table on you and fault-finds with you, refuses to acknowledge she has a problem and/or fails to follow through with correcting it.

This could actually turn out to be an excellent chance to learn about her real character, in the context of a relatively innocuous issue.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734467
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 sootired (original poster member #22952) posted at 2:51 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

thanks all. I believe that I have made up my mind, If it was just one or 2 things maybe, but it would be like peeling an onion. A laundry list at this point (pun intended).

I have anxiety issues and it is at full force right now and I have trouble getting my thoughts to slow down when this happens.

As a person she is kind and treats me well, which after 25+ years with my ex is very different for me, but my heart is telling me I need to move on.

Me 55 Divorced
Her 43 WW-24 month EA with some PA followed by ONS with another
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 False R
2016 EA, probably PA
Divorced 2/2020

posts: 518   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2009
id 8734517
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:15 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

As a person she is kind and treats me well, which after 25+ years with my ex is very different for me, but my heart is telling me I need to move on.

As someone with different cleanliness standards as my wife, this is likely a deal breaker. It sounds like you are on opposite sides of the spectrum and after 55 years neither of you are going to be able to shift enough long term to make this relationship work. I'm assuming this is bothering you and you are not even sharing space right now. It'll only get worse when that happens.

posts: 1138   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8734519
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TheWorldYouWant ( member #78447) posted at 7:31 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

I wonder if she may have something like ADHD, undiagnosed, which has gotten worse with age and peri/menopause. If that's a possibility, asking her to see a doctor for a diagnosis and evaluation for medication could be helpful to her and possibly save the relationship (if you want that). Personal and home hygiene suffer tremendously with undiagnosed ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions.

But you can also just break up! Make the best decision for yourself.

Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.

1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8734551
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:04 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

The "tell" is that the more comfortable she gets, the worse the situation gets.

She’s not going to change. Or if she does it won’t last.

Just my opinion.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11901   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734594
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 sootired (original poster member #22952) posted at 12:33 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Thanks all just needed a little kick in the a$$. I went and told the truth. My feelings never went deeper than friendship and I needed to move on. Which is true minus hurtful stuff

Me 55 Divorced
Her 43 WW-24 month EA with some PA followed by ONS with another
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 False R
2016 EA, probably PA
Divorced 2/2020

posts: 518   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2009
id 8734605
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 3:23 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I went and told the truth. My feelings never went deeper than friendship and I needed to move on.

Good for you for telling her the truth and setting her free. Too many men would keep having a physical relationship with her, leading her on to hope for a future commitment, despite knowing that it would never happen.

I have a feeling your concerns about her hygiene are due to your lack of love for her, and not vice versa. Of course, I don't know how severe the issue is. But I think most of us BS's have experienced being devalued by our WW's during their affairs, during which time the WW criticized us for all kinds of petty things.

You're not a WW & not a cake eater, just making a connection from this situation to what I've experienced, as your situation highlighted one way that a moral person deals with relationship dissatisfaction: by gently moving on.

[This message edited by morningglory at 3:27 AM, Wednesday, May 11th]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734630
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 sootired (original poster member #22952) posted at 3:26 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

thank you Morningglory, the issue was very severe, like frat boy at the party house severe and then some.
We had only been together 8 months and I avoided anything physical for the past 2 or so, knowing my feelings were wavering. She claimed I blindsided her, but I think she was blind to the signals I was giving.

Me 55 Divorced
Her 43 WW-24 month EA with some PA followed by ONS with another
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 False R
2016 EA, probably PA
Divorced 2/2020

posts: 518   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2009
id 8734680
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 6:46 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

She claimed I blindsided her, but I think she was blind to the signals I was giving.

Everyone sees what they want to see not reality. You worked for her. She didn't for you. You did the right thing.

posts: 1138   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8734721
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Solarchick ( new member #80222) posted at 1:29 AM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

She claimed I blindsided her, but I think she was blind to the signals I was giving.

You know what, sootired? You were just extremely helpful to me. I started to get signals the last time I saw the (now) ex-beau, and I didn't waste one single moment ignoring them. I just ended it. Today. And I haven't heard boo from him since I did so. I guess I got it right, because he was already on his way out the door. Tomorrow, he's on his way to Texas. Good for him. I hope he stays there. laugh

posts: 11   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8735789
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:21 PM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

We had only been together 8 months and I avoided anything physical for the past 2 or so, knowing my feelings were wavering. She claimed I blindsided her, but I think she was blind to the signals I was giving.

She was probably more invested with her feelings, but everyone has the right to end a relationship if it's not working for them.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8217   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8735880
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qwert ( new member #57498) posted at 9:27 AM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

One of the issues I had with my wife and with others is that I wouldn’t let her or others know when they did something that bothered me. I would tell my therapist about it. I would tell my 12th step sponsor about it. They would both ask me when was I going to talk to my wife or others about it. I had this issue all my life. I would internalize the feelings that I had when others behaved in a manner that bothered me. I was the welcome mat. At work, this caused tremendous emotional stress. I took time off of work to deal with it.

Over the years, in therapy, and in recovery I learned to communicate more assertively. After my wife’s affair, we both needed to communicate more honestly and openly about where we were.

I learned and continue to practice, say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean. I’ve also learned to be patient and kind to myself as I learn and practice this and other new communication tools.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Los Angeles
id 8736326
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truthsetmefree ( member #7168) posted at 5:36 PM on Sunday, May 22nd, 2022

My criteria for any relationship is simple: I’m not asking another person to change.

I can either adjust and accommodate you as you are…or I can’t. I may tell you how your behavior or choices are affecting me (particularly with smaller, less foundational issues)…but I have zero expectation that you will change that.

The last thing I want is for another person to have to make substantial changes that go against who they foundational are - and especially not to keep the relationship. It’s unlikely that they are sustainable in the long run (ie, it will always be an issue) and it’s where later resentments will form on both sides.

FWIW, sootired - that would have been a deal killer for me in an intimate relationship. There’s enough day-to-day challenges in a truly compatible relationship. Why in the world world would I want to move forward in an early relationship that’s already showing some clearly incompatible basic priorities? I think you made a good call. And thank goodness if you hadn’t "fallen in love" to only further complicate it. I’m genuinely hopeful that if I ever do fall in love again, it will be BECAUSE of all the compatibility.

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8814   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8736441
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