SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH is with his AP as we speak. Motherf’er.

We’re separated and he came over last night so we could do our taxes. We were working toward reconciliation until I found out he was still in communication with his AP. I kicked him out a week ago and told him he has to cut all contact with her before he could be with me.

He’s been telling me that he’s distancing himself. He swore last night that he would be home all weekend and not with her. He told me how much he loves me and wants to be with me etc. etc. He sent me a picture of himself in bed and said "time for sleep."

Well, I texted him this morning, and things were not adding up. I checked some other stuff, and he definitely did not go to sleep when he said he did. Asshole. He wasn’t replying to texts so I called him and he texted that he didn’t want to talk right now. He eventually admitted that he’s with her. Asshole.

I’m such a fool for believing him. He was acting remorseful and crying with me and holding me. I caved. I’m hurt and embarrassed and angry, and resolute.

I’m really going to have to do it. I am going to have to file for divorce on Monday. Good thing we’re getting a tax refund. That will help pay for it. F**k!

*Edited to add a word.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 4:53 PM, Saturday, April 16th]

You are NOT a fool. I went through the same cycle more than once. Slow learner here.
But each time it strengthened my resolve and removed a little more of those little bits of hopium.
My therapist kept telling me I’d be done when I was done. And one day, I was just done. It sounds like you are there now. You just needed to do all that you did in order to get to that place, and that doesn’t make you a fool at all.

I am so sorry he did not step up to become the husband you deserve, or even a decent human being.
But now you know. You won’t spend another year fighting an unfair battle where he was not fighting by your side.
You can start to heal now.

Big hugs and strength to you— but you don’t need it as you are obviously a badass!

Hang in there, and use your anger and disappointment to keep propelling you forward. You deserve better.

(Weird flashback for me— five years ago we did our taxes together and I was finishing up he went to the other room, packed a bag, and then left me for his AP. 5 days before my 50th birthday. And I had to mail the $#*$#( taxes, too. I hate doing taxes even more now, but this year it didn’t even occur to me. Wonder why that brings out the worst in some people.)

Thank you BearlyBreathing. I’m trying to be a badass, but inside I just feel awful. Tomorrow is Easter, and I need to be around my whole family, and he’s not going to be there, and I don’t know if I can do it.

It astounds me how well he can lie to my face. He’s a really good liar. How immoral do you have to be to hurt someone you "love" over and over again like this?

How are you doing these days BearlyBreathing?

What BearlyBreathing said . You are a KIND...COMPASSIONATE...NICE person...so you WOULD think this way about your WH from what he was telling you last night. BUT your GUT knew something was OFF. You didn't give in to the blind trust...you searched...and found what you KNEW. Knowledge is POWER Dear Lady...and YOU are POWERFUL .

It SUCKS to find out like this . But you KNOW now how he will use his crocodile tears to HIS advantage...and you can combat that. ACTIONS over WORDS...always.

You WILL get through this...and things WILL get better . I can't promise you that your M will survive this horrible place that your WH has put y'all in...but I can promise that YOU will !!!

Thank you Want2BHappyAgain. Can we skip this part and just go to the part where I feel better?

Why does he try to hide it? If he wants to be with her so bad, why not just end it with me? Cake? I didn’t realize he was so…typical. I’m re-reading "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life," and it’s so spot on.

I really appreciate all this support.

If being with your family tomorrow feels torturous, don't go. Take time for you. Do something that you enjoy, that makes you feel nurtured and soothed. Bubble bath, little project, art, journaling, a walk...whatever helps. Only go tomorrow if you feel it would be good for you.

I'm sorry he's so selfish. He is really loving the way it feels to have two women wanting him. A huge ego boost--the world is his oyster! Yuck. Close the bakery. Do the 180 hard. Talk is cheap.

OwningItNow - you’re so right. I need to do the 180 and stop obsessing about the fact that he’s with her right now. It just hurts to be so…unimportant to my husband.

It just hurts to be so…unimportant to my husband.

I think he more than deserves to know what this feels like, as well. He has repeatedly taken you and your love for him for granted. He needs to feel what it's like to lose you and watch you emotionally move on in life...away from his empty promises and abuse.

Get angry if possible. Ask yourself, "Who TF does he think he is?! I am an awesome person and wife, and he will regret this decision forever! He's a fool!" And then go off and make that happen. Fake it til you make it while you do the 180.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:24 PM, Saturday, April 16th]

Unfortunately, sometimes it takes us getting kicked down over and over before we realize that how they're treating us is not what we want and something we don't have to tolerate or live with.

Well, I texted him this morning, and things were not adding up. I checked some other stuff, and he definitely did not go to sleep when he said he did. Asshole. He wasn’t replying to texts so I called him and he texted that he didn’t want to talk right now. He eventually admitted that he’s with her. Asshole.

This is where I stress that low to no contact is crucial. No contact = no new hurts. Try not to contact him again unless it involves the separation/divorce.

I’m hurt and embarrassed and angry, and resolute.

Use that anger to your advantage. Strike while the iron's hot.

It just hurts to be so…unimportant to my husband.

I feel you. The only one he deems important is himself. Time for you to do the same. You deserve better than this asshat.

I’ve blocked his number and gone no contact. This is so hard. Everywhere I go reminds me of him. Then I think about him with AP today, and me with nobody and it’s so painful. I know I’m doing the right thing, but it’s excruciating. Why did he have to do this??

I checked the bank account and there is a charge in there for 2 movie tickets. I’m crushed…

If those are marital funds, best to talk to the attorney about that too. He’s literally committing financial infidelity now as well. Start a paper trail and keep records of where that money is going.

It’s hard. We’ve been there. But the more you have distance from him, the more you gain clarity.

Keep up with no contact. Feel free to vent to us here.

Why did he have to do this??

Don’t try to make sense of the nonsensical. He chose the coward’s way out. He’s thinking of no one but himself

[This message edited by Forks027 at 11:26 PM, Saturday, April 16th]

Thank you for the advice. I assume he’s going to the movie with her, but I don’t have a way to confirm that. This is so painful. I hope that clarity comes soon. This is mentally exhausting. Talking definitely helps.

I need to talk to people here so I resist the urge to unblock his number.

You can type out here what you'd like to say to him, or vent away. It's so difficult in the beginning to go NC, but it really does get better.

Sucks! But it seems very common for the unfaithful to go back to the AP. Even if they want to R, they just can’t do it. There’s an addictive quality to the affair. Sorry you are dealing with this. It’s hard and not fair.
You are not a fool. You have a compassionate heart. You are a good person who was willing to do the hard work of forgiving and restoring. He doesn’t have the capacity to appreciate the gift you offered.
Think of it this way, it’s better that you found out about his relapse now than months or years from now. You would have wasted so much time.
Good luck with the divorce. I hope everything goes smoothly and you can find joy and love in your life again.

Thank you for the support everyone. I really miss him tonight, and it’s so hard not to reach out. I want so badly to text him and say "come home." I know that’s the wrong thing to do, and I have to stay strong. It’s not like he’s trying to reach out to me.

Sorry. I hate this and relate to you so much. I never expected to be here but here I am and I just feel there are so many of us hurt that don’t deserve this crappy treatment. I’m so mad hearing these stories. Why are spouses so cold and unfair? So frustrating that others feel this betrayal and stuff. I like having support but it bums me out how common my problem is with many others.

I don’t understand it either. I could never do this to my spouse. Never. I know how badly it would hurt him, and I have no desire to be with anyone else.

That’s the difference between you guys and them. You have empathy, you can perceive how much it would hurt and do whatever it takes to fix it.

But them? Empathy for them is low to nonexistent. They don’t want to face the shame or the emotional damage they caused, so they run.