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Divorce/Separation :
Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 12:35 AM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

Without going too much into detail, I’m about 4 months out from the latest d day. We separated when I found out. He’s been moved out for about 3 months now. He picks up our kids and has them over weekends.

I still cry myself to sleep. I don’t want R. I know that that’s not possible, we’d just end up in the same position. And I know I can’t look past everything he’s done. There’s been so much and I’m still finding out new things even now. I’m just so hurt and betrayed and I feel so much anger and rage. And I’m exhausted by it. I just want it to stop. I want to be done with the pain.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I guess to know that I’m not the only one who’s felt this way? Maybe looking for hope that someday I won’t be feeling like this. I keep going for my boys, but it’s so hard. How long will I be this broken?

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 84   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8727853
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 2:09 AM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

Yes, it does. You are in the thick of it right now, but it absolutely does get better with time.

I am so so sorry that your husband tricked you into a life he could never provide. He made you believe he was capable of being dependable and loving and trustworthy and he knew all along he wasn't those things. It isn't your fault but you already know that. You will hurt for a long time BUT you will also heal and be a wonderful example of strength for your children.

I hope he continues to be a great dad but they will learn more about the real him as they get older and they will also get to know more about the real you. They will be proud of you for taking care of yourself and taking care of them. A man who manipulates his wife the way he is cannot keep the mask on forever. They will see that in him eventually. And, more importantly, he has to live with being a coward and a slimeball who would do this to his kids. That is much worse and he will never be able to escape it. It will follow him through life and through all of his relationships forever.

On the other hand you will heal and feel better and stronger with time. You really will! Keep taking it day by day and do not give in to his manipulations. You are worth it.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8727860
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LonelyHolidays ( member #79775) posted at 3:54 AM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

I’m very sorry to hear your story. I’m still struggling as well processing my twenty year marriage ending. I am unfortunately not on the other side of it yet but I can say there are very nice people here who have also been hurt and it helps to know people here care and relate. I know it feels awful. Good luck.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8727870
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 2:43 PM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

It takes time, but it does get better. It didn't take being on my own for long to realize how much energy I was putting into the relationship and how lopsided that was. It was 10 months of being on my own when I realized how much happier I was and content. The feeling of peace has been priceless.

Hang in there, it does get better.

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1080   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8727931
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:13 PM on Tuesday, April 5th, 2022

There is light and you won't always feel broken. Pretty soon you may begin to feel stronger, empowered and happier. It's a process but one day the good days will start to outnumber the bad. I can echo word for word leafields post, the peace of mind has been priceless.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 9:14 PM, Tuesday, April 5th]

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8211   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8728213
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HomieAintRight ( new member #79903) posted at 6:10 AM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2022

I’m sorry you are here. I have felt the exact same way and ask the same question. It is good that you know that you do not want R. I wanted R from a long time deceiver with no remorse, which only prolonged my suffering.

I still ache for my children and our life as a family. But, I no longer wake up, remember, and get the pit in my stomach. I was actually waking up to a nightmare each day.

The turn for me was finally realizing that what I was striving for in my marriage & family was never going to happen with him - he is not capable of it. The only way that I have a chance at the kind of marriage and family dynamic I want is with someone else who values marriage & family.

I am only a bit over 6 months from my DDay. I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me. Each day is a step toward freedom from the brokenness. You can do this. We will do this, one day at a time. Try to plan things to do with those who truly care about you & support you. That has helped me so much.

[This message edited by HomieAintRight at 6:14 AM, Wednesday, April 6th]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8728269
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 3:24 PM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2022

I am about 8 months out and it still hurts like hell but I know I am getting better.
The question I ask myself is, am I better than I was a month ago? I have fewer breakdowns so yes, I am better.
I was a total mess at the 4month mark. I cried every single day. It sucks to be betrayed. As your name says, our future was stolen! What the hell, right?
We didn’t ask for it. We didn’t deserve it. But we are stuck with it. And we will get through it. Hang in there. One day at a time. Sometimes, it’s one hour at a time.

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8728306
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 5:02 PM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2022

Thank you so much to everyone who responded to this. Sometimes its the most comforting thing, hearing from other people who went through the same situation and especially people who are further along and getting through it.

I do see that I am getting stronger everyday. Definitely more than I was a month ago, like DailyGratitude said. I'm stronger in standing up to him, and the way that I talk to him. Which unfortunately fuels him to try to find new ways to hurt me, but I am expecting that and am getting better about letting it bounce off me. Mostly I am sad at how far we have fallen. This man who made so many promises to me, to love me forever, to always take care of me. He genuinely loved me so much. And now he is this some other monster type creature who hurts me. It doesn't make sense. I feel stronger, but then I also think that I'm just getting better at handling it. I still feel the same amount of pain, sorrow, rage. On days when he has the boys I still find myself walking around in a numb daze with tears falling down my face. I still cry myself to sleep all the time. Over a man who treated me so horribly! He doesn't deserve my tears but I cry them anyway.

We have a bit of a strange arrangement right now. I've consulted with a few lawyers (so please don't judge), and am confident I'm ok, but at this moment we are not officially divorcing. I am a stay at home mom and he has agreed to continue to support me and the kids so I can continue to do that, at least until the youngest is in school (in about 3 years). I know, I know, be skeptical!! But to be honest, the longer we are married on paper can only benefit me due to his (amazing) retirement fund and equity in our house continuing to grow. Lawyers have advised me to keep this arrangement as long as possible. The downside is that he feels entitled, like he owns everything and is allowing me to stay in the house (he's moved out). I have to dance on the line of letting him think that so that we can keep this arrangement going, and standing up for myself when it goes too far. I have put things in place and plans in motion so that if and when we do divorce and if he only gives me the required child support, I will be ok. I know that he can do this at any time and so I am preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. It does take a toll on me mentally, but I am getting stronger, and at least right now it's worth it.

He got mad at me again today though. I have a rocky relationship with my family. Long story short, they didn't like him and were very disrespectful to the both of us when we were getting married. I haven't talked to my parents or siblings for about 5 years. Recently though, I've been praying a lot, and decided to try to make amends with them. I don't want to blame it all on him because I'm an adult and I made the decision to cut them out of my life for very legitimate reasons. That being said, cutting people out of my life is not my style of dealing with conflict. He is more aggressive in things like that, sees things very black and white. I felt pressured to be tough on my family in order to show my loyalty to him. So anyway, I've been trying to repair things with my family, and it feels really good. I want them to eventually meet my kids. I gave him a heads up (because they are his kids too) and he basically called me every name in the book. Said I'm lonely and weak, crawling back to them forgetting everything they've done to me. Forbade me from letting them see the kids, things like that. I was expecting that reaction so I'm mostly ok because I know he's wrong. It takes way more strength to forgive and give people another chance than it does to cut them out and be done. But I find myself still a little shaken up by the things he said to me, and just knowing how mad he is at me right now, and that he thinks that I'm a weak, terrible person. I know it shouldn't matter what he thinks anymore. I think it's at least starting to matter less. But it still hurts.

Thank you for letting me vent here. So cathartic! I wish you all love and healing and that we all get through this together.

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 84   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8728324
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 3:27 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

He is more aggressive in things like that, sees things very black and white. I felt pressured to be tough on my family in order to show my loyalty to him. So anyway, I've been trying to repair things with my family, and it feels really good. I want them to eventually meet my kids. I gave him a heads up (because they are his kids too) and he basically called me every name in the book. Said I'm lonely and weak, crawling back to them forgetting everything they've done to me.

Wow! I am totally floored. To "show your loyalty to him"? And exactly what has that gotten you? If everything is so black and white and you dealt with your husband the way you have dealt with your family, he would be completely cut out. The lack of self-awareness is surprising, yet not. I hate that this fuck-face gets any kind of opinion about how you are dealing with the people in your life.

I would gray rock his ass. Next time he offers his opinion on what you are doing with your other relationships, respond like a customer service agent "I am sorry you feel that way" or when I feel bitchy I say "thank you for your opinion" flatly.

You owe this dude JACK SHIT in terms of explanations of anything. I absolutely hate your living scenario for you. Believe me, I totally get doing what you gotta do for your kids and to survive, but my god, it sounds like some miserable bullshit. You are going to have to come up with some ground rules and then be taking some serious action steps to get out of this and step into the sunshine.

You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep everyone warm, Future. You matter too.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 207   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8728481
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cbgrace1980 ( member #64109) posted at 7:53 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not easy. I have been in your shoes before and it absolutely stinks. It has gotten better, though, just takes some time. I was still finding out new things a year later. Have you found a way to express your anger in a healthy way? (Like, counseling, talking with a friend) We are here for you anytime you need to vent!!!!! Hugs to you. You are not alone.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8728819
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TheWorldYouWant ( member #78447) posted at 11:14 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

I considered that it would be more financially advantageous and easier to not divorce my husband yet. But the truth is that at this point I'd rather be homeless than have to keep living with him or have any entanglement with him. My peace of mind is just far too precious to me anymore, and every interaction with him is just another moment he gets to drain my life force. He deserves no more of my time and energy, nor has he earned any attention from me.

I get it, though. I just personally decided that I'm ready to chew my own foot off rather than continue dealing with him. Sympathy for you in your situation!

(I will note that I am 100% the type of person who will brutally, coldly cut someone off when I'm done with them. However, a person has to take it extremely far to warrant that if they are someone I love. Just happens that my STBXWH has managed to take it that far, and now I'm yeeting him into the sun!)

Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.

1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8728841
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 8:24 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep everyone warm, Future. You matter too.

BigMamma - I read this the other day and started sobbing. Because that's what I've been doing. I've been so convinced that the best thing for my boy is that I'm a stay at home mom, and so I will do anything to make that happen, even subject myself to his emotional abuse. But that's not the only option. Maybe they go to daycare two days a week and I can make that work (with child support). And honestly, I think they would actually enjoy daycare. They love to play with other kids, do activities. It might be good for them, and for me too. I cannot put up with being verbally attacked anymore. I don't want my boys to be exposed to that either.

My peace of mind is just far too precious to me anymore, and every interaction with him is just another moment he gets to drain my life force. He deserves no more of my time and energy, nor has he earned any attention from me.

WorldYouWant - this spoke to me too. I don't know the details of your story, but your response makes me think it's somewhat close to mine. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Not my energy, attention, nothing.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying over the weekend. I'm going to file for divorce. At first my plan was to talk to a lawyer this week and get their opinion on timing - whether I should try to work a little longer and build up some savings first, to make it easier to put the house and my van in my name, or if I should go ahead and do it right now. But then I talked to his mom, who I have a super close relationship to. She is scared for her son. She doesn't recognize him either, and said that over the weekend he became unhinged with her too when talking about me talking to my family again. She herself recommended to me that I shouldn't waste anytime, in case he tries to do something crazy. How sad is it that his own mom thinks that I need to protect myself and my kids from him? So I think that I shouldn't waste time. I should file now before he moves OW and her two kids in with him. So far my boys haven't met her. In Michigan, once I file, I can also file something that says neither of us can introduce the kids to any new love interests for six months. I can't protect them forever, but I can give them six months before they have to see their dad giving another woman attention. They're so young (5, 4, 2). They're going to be so confused. My heart breaks for that. And that I know he will bad-mouth me to them. They don't deserve that.

Honestly, I know that it is the right decision to divorce. But I'm scared. I'm scared of his reaction. Part of me thinks I should give him a heads up (after I file, before he gets served). Because I don't want him to be served when he has the boys and flip out and get angry in front of them. And because after all of this we're still going to have to find a way to co-parent together, so I don't want to be overly aggressive. Even though he doesn't care about my feelings.

I also don't know what to do about Easter. Right now the arrangement is that I have the boys during the week (he is gone all week at work), and he has them for the weekend. Previously we said that he would bring the boys to my house Easter morning so we could do Easter baskets all together. We said from the very beginning that we wanted to be able to put the kids first and co-parent well. (Funny now that he's the one making this impossible.) So do I suck it up for the kids and try to make that work? After the baskets we'll be heading to his parent's house for lunch and egg hunt. I don't even want to be in the same room with him. And that is 100% on him. I have only been civil this entire time, when I'm the one who didn't do anything wrong! He's done enough with the affairs, and other girls besides that. Yet he continues to hurt me even now. It's so messed up! I think back to when he loved me. Our wedding. When our kids were born. Things like that. And my heart breaks because nothing about that man is the man he is now. I don't understand what changed, how he could have come so far from that.

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 84   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8729048
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 10:45 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

FuturewasStolen

I am sorry it has come down to D. But from what you’ve written I think you are doing the right thing. He sounds like a vindictive man and unfortunately you cannot control what he does or says. Be strong and be the sane and stable mom your kids need. Nothing and no one can take away your relationship with your kids. Your wh can bad mouth you all he wants but your kids will feel and see the love you pour out on them. You sound like a person of faith so I will say this: no weapon formed against you shall prevail. Remember that.

Your prayers are heard and God has dispatched his angels with the answers. They are on their way. Be patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. God’s got your back.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 10:51 PM, Sunday, April 10th]

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8729072
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 3:12 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

A couple of setbacks for me... I got a surprise refund check in the mail from our insurance company. I was excited, was going to put that money towards a lawyer! But then the credit union let me know that since it is written out to the both of us, that we both need to sign the check in order to deposit it. So there goes half of that. And moreso, it just really pissed me off. He was able to live an entire double life for YEARS without me knowing it. WHO KNOWS how much money he spend on women. And I can't even cash one check by myself. It was sort of the last straw and I called my best friend and had a bit of a meltdown.

Next bad news.... I'm trying to get my ducks in a row. So I reached out to the mortgage guy who helped us refinance our home last year. I wanted to get his informal opinion on my financial standing and if I'd qualify for a mortgage by myself so I can keep the house. Basically, he said that because I only work part-time, and it's been less than a year, he doesn't see it as very likely at all. WONDERFUL!

Add to that that ever since I made the decision that I'm going to officially file for divorce, I have been soooooo much more emotional. I didn't expect that. Feeling more pain, anger, depression, all of it. I feel like its the early days all over again and that I'm on the verge of breaking down every second of everyday.

I hate this. I hate all of this. I never wanted any part of it. And now I have to figure out his mess of divorce and how to be on my own and I just want it all to be behind me.

And I cannot remember the last time we kissed. It must have been the last D Day. It was probably some casual kiss, the kind you give when you know there will be more in the future. But there weren't and aren't and now I can't even remember that.

In this moment I want to give up. It all feels like too much. But I have three little boys depending on me so instead I'm going to get out of bed tomorrow morning and figure out how to make it through just one more day at a time.

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 84   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8729494
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:39 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

And I cannot remember the last time we kissed. It must have been the last D Day. It was probably some casual kiss, the kind you give when you know there will be more in the future. But there weren't and aren't and now I can't even remember that.

This is the sort of thing you can start challenging when it pops into your head. You followed up that bit of sentiment in the quote box with this:

I have three little boys depending on me so instead I'm going to get out of bed tomorrow morning and figure out how to make it through just one more day at a time.

That asshat didn't do this to just you, he BROKE the family dynamic of your little boys. He yanked the rug out from under them in terms of both financial and emotional security. Why on earth would you want a creep who's capable of that to kiss you? Right now, you're trying to figure out a way to stay home with them for as long as you can, but the bottom line is that even if you can somehow manage to find a way for a year or two, it's just a matter of time until you'll have to support your household on your own and with whatever you can get court-ordered from your STBX. No doubt, he'll replace the broken family dynamic with a new one at some point, and then you'll get even LESS cooperation from him. He's put you in an untenable situation and he's done it because he's a selfish louse.

Get mad. It's okay to be angry. Anger can be a motivator. It can pick you up, dust you off, and MAKE you stand up for yourself. I'm NOT saying you shouldn't allow yourself to feel sad feelings. You'll feel those too and there will be time for that. But sad don't feed the bulldog, you know? You can't harness sad and make it work for you. Sad pulls you in closer to the object of douchbaggery, whereas mad will help you get some distance. Write a list of everything you hate about that guy. Drag it out and add to it anytime you feel the least bit of nostalgia, and save youy lips for the next guy, because no matter who he is... he's already more deserving.

((big hugs)) You're going to be okay. Know it.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:41 AM, Wednesday, April 13th]

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5429   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8729497
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:44 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

And I cannot remember the last time we kissed. It must have been the last D Day. It was probably some casual kiss, the kind you give when you know there will be more in the future. But there weren't and aren't and now I can't even remember that.


This is the sort of thing you can start challenging when it pops into your head. You followed up that bit of sentiment in the quote box with this:

I have three little boys depending on me so instead I'm going to get out of bed tomorrow morning and figure out how to make it through just one more day at a time.

That asshat didn't do this to just you, he BROKE the family dynamic of your little boys. He yanked the rug out from under them in terms of both financial and emotional security. Why on earth would you want a creep who's capable of that to kiss you? Right now, you're trying to figure out a way to stay home with them for as long as you can, but the bottom line is that even if you can somehow manage to find a way for a year or two, it's just a matter of time until you'll have to support your household on your own and with whatever you can get court-ordered from your STBX. No doubt, he'll replace the broken family dynamic with a new one at some point, and then you'll get even LESS cooperation from him. He's put you in an untenable situation and he's done it because he's a selfish louse.

Get mad. It's okay to be angry. Anger can be a motivator. It can pick you up, dust you off, and MAKE you stand up for yourself. I'm NOT saying you shouldn't allow yourself to feel sad feelings. You'll feel those too and there will be time for that. But sad don't feed the bulldog, you know? You can't harness sad and make it work for you. Sad pulls you in closer to the object of douchbaggery, whereas mad will help you get some distance. Write a list of everything you hate about that guy. Drag it out and add to it anytime you feel the least bit of nostalgia, and save your lips for the next guy, because no matter who he is... he's already more deserving.

((big hugs)) You're going to be okay. Know it.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5429   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8729498
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 3:20 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Another post. I feel really overwhelmed lately and have all these thoughts in my head that I have to get out.

What would happen if I gave up the house? I love this house. I love it so much. Ever since the day we moved in, I've always loved it. It has the most perfect layout. I love the master bedroom. I love the living room/kitchen layout. I love that the boys rooms are on the other side of the house. It's not huge, around 1500 sq ft. But it's a farmhouse and I love it. It has 3 acres and I love that too. I want the boys to have that. To be able to roam and explore in their own backyard. To ride their 4-wheelers. To explore our little patch of woods. We are surrounded by farmers so we feel like we're out in the country, but only 10 minutes from town. It is perfect. I'm having a hard time imagining leaving it.

But it is also a lot of work. There are so many projects inside and outside. Just the basic maintenance of the outside is a lot. And expensive. I am thinking about having to get the tractor out of the shed, and everything that it needs to get back up and running. I look around and all I see is work. It's overwhelming to think that that's all on me now. Even though it always was I guess. He never really helped all that much. Which is why it looks like crap right now. I really want it to look nice, but it's so much work.

If I gave up the house either 1) he would take it. He would move back in and that would be really really hard to watch. That it would be his house and not mine. Then he would move someone else in and replace me. They would all be happy in the house that was supposed to be ours. They would be sleeping in the bedroom that was mine. That would be a really hard pill to swallow. It would be like he got his cake and gets to eat it too. He wins. Or 2) we would put it up for sale. And the boys would loose that property and that country life that I want so badly for them. It would be a small backyard and that's it. No four-wheeler, no privacy. That's hard too.

I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. I don't know what to do and I feel like I have to make the decision really fast because I want to file. And I have to know what I want to do that.

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 84   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8729547
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jadedangel ( member #26979) posted at 8:53 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

What would happen if I gave up the house? I love this house. I love it so much. Ever since the day we moved in, I've always loved it. It has the most perfect layout. I love the master bedroom. I love the living room/kitchen layout. I love that the boys rooms are on the other side of the house. It's not huge, around 1500 sq ft. But it's a farmhouse and I love it. It has 3 acres and I love that too. I want the boys to have that. To be able to roam and explore in their own backyard. To ride their 4-wheelers. To explore our little patch of woods. We are surrounded by farmers so we feel like we're out in the country, but only 10 minutes from town. It is perfect. I'm having a hard time imagining leaving it.

I think this is one of the hardest things to face in the reality of divorce. The dreams of what our futures were supposed to be.

We as the BS, get the shit sandwich. We have to make choices that we did not sign up for when we said our vows. So we mourn what we will be losing or what we have lost.

But we can make new dreams. Sure, it may not be what we wanted at first but we be happy.

Take some time and grieve. Nothing wrong with it. But make plans. For me, idk if I could keep a house with his memories in it.

And the he wins comment...what did he really win? Keeping a house? Who said that he will be happy? He may be the type that will change women out every so many years because there is something in him that is lacking.

Keep making your plans and moving forward. You will come out better.

Divorced 2007.
EXWH died 2011
Remarried 2018!

posts: 668   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Central City
id 8729632
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 11:15 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

I think my WH is having a nervous breakdown.

He picked up our boys Thursday evening, and was supposed to have them over the weekend. He tried to pick a fight with me when he picked them up and I ended up walking out the front door to get away from him because he wouldn't stop talking. I waited until after he left to cry.

Yesterday I went over to his place so we could all dye Easter eggs together. I texted him beforehand asking that we just focus on the boys and not talk about anything to do with us (i.e. don't yell at me in front of the boys). He texted back something mean, but I ignored it. I showed up to his place and was only there for about half an hour and it went fine. We were both civil.

Last night I got a call from him mom that he had dropped the boys off at her house for the night. He told her that he wasn't doing anything, they were just asking for a sleepover. She called me because she was concerned he was going to show up at my house to try to talk (he didn't). My hear absolutely broke for my boys. He hardly gets to see them and now that he finally gets some time he just drops them with his mom. They're so young that they're not really picking up on it, but I know it won't be long until they do. His mom is genuinely concerned about his mental state. He's so checked out and falls asleep as soon as he sits down anywhere. So she has no problem watching the boys instead of him having them. He picked the boys up this morning from her.

Today I was doing so-so, then in the afternoon I was sitting in my house all alone and feeling really sad. So I drove to his parent's house just to hang out with them a little (this is normal, we are very close). Well WH calls me at about 4, and tells me that he's not feeling good, and he thinks I should come get the boys. I am so disappointed. He quickly picks a fight with me when he finds out where I am. He thinks that I'm weak for being so lonely and that it's sad that I can't handle being alone (coming form the guy who can't stand being alone so much that he has to constantly sleep around). Well long story short, I went over to pick up the boys and he is a complete mess. He is lost in a cloud of self-pity. He lives in a shit hole, he's a bad person, a bad dad, he has nothing, he's worked so hard and given up so much all for nothing. Just having the worst pity party ever. I got the boys out into my van. I told him that I'm concerned about him. I told him that the boys deserve better, and that he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself. Then I left while he tried to say something back. I have no idea if he's coming over tomorrow morning to do Easter baskets with the boys or not. The part of me that still loves him is genuinely concerned for him. But I am also pissed at him. THIS IS ALL HIS DOING! NO ONE FORCED HIM TO HAVE MULTIPLE AFFAIRS AND RUIN OUR HOME! And our boys deserve so much more from him.

I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday and I'm getting the divorce process started. He thinks that's going to solve everything. I don't know about that but I know that it's the right thing to do.

This is all hard on me too, but I'm holding it together and putting our boys first. He's too selfish to even do that.

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 84   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8730143
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 11:47 PM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

That sounds like a horrible few days! You handled the situation well considering. I would have been PO'd about the grandma sleepover! If your MIL didn't call would you know about the sudden departure from the agreed upon plan? Please DOCUMENT all the no shows, hang onto the texts from MIL etc. etc. Discuss with the lawyer concerns about his capability to supervise your kids. Yes, he's their Dad and you want him in their lives, but not this way. If I understand correctly he was supposed to have the kids for 3 nights but could only manage one night? Hate to say it, but have you considered he could be abusing drugs or alcohol? Or, current AP was pressuring him to spend holiday time with her family? Either way, his problems are not your problem. You and your kids are the priority. If his f'd up approach to coping with life may harm your kids AT ALL please don't hesitate to use the law to help you keep them safe.

Going forward, maybe it's time to institute some new boundaries? How about gray rocking him on personal stuff and ONLY discuss kids and finances at your convenience via text/family planning app? To protect yourself. Minimal contact = minimal new hurts. Fewer disappointments. Having boundaries also helps protect your kids. Responsible people (like you) may consider maintaining a "friendship" with their betrayer "for the sake of the children" so make themselves into convenient doormats because "staying friends" is the "decent" way to behave. Like him spending time at your place with the kids as a family, or you going over to his place for family activities, for example. Staying "friends" also lets him control the narrative "yeah, it's hard but we're still friends." If you remain friends what he did can't be that bad, right? He's NOT your friend. You don't need to be friends with him to successfully parallel parent! Gray rock with minimal contact doesn't mean you're being harsh, or rude - you're being neutral. Gray rock/minimal contact protects you from his button pushing. And helps you gain distance, healing and clarity regarding your new life without him in it. Maintaining contact only prolongs the pain.

He is lost in a cloud of self-pity. He lives in a shit hole, he's a bad person, a bad dad, he has nothing, he's worked so hard and given up so much all for nothing. Just having the worst pity party ever.

Wow, sounds like he's heavily tuned to the SELF PITY channel. FuturewasStolen, manipulative people typically use the same three channels to manipulate those they hope to manage:

Rage/Anger, Self Pity, and Charm (being nice.)

He may surf through these channels randomly to hit on the most efficient method to manage you in any given moment. It's maddening! The self pity channel could be a ploy to:

-Keep you feeling sorry for him so he can manage you into securing a favorable $$/childcare settlement during D, or so you will excuse the no-shows with kids supervision, and during holidays because he's having such a hard time (poor him boo hoo). You may even feel sorry for him! If he manages to get you to make excuses for him with friends and family - bonus! - employing the pity channel then serves his image management. Decent people (like you) with a normal stockpile of empathy are usually easy to manage with the self pity channel. Glad you didn't buy into his pity party.

FuturewasStolen, you have the good judgement to retain a lawyer and will file for divorce. His (abusive)control over the situation (you) is slipping. So now he's flipping through the standard manipulation channels to manage you. To see if he can get you to back down by pushing your guilt buttons maybe? You are a functional human being with intact emotional wiring, so pushing your emotional buttons to get a desired reaction from you may be standard operating procedure for him. Google terms like DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), false equivalencies, minimization, etc. etc. and read up. "30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics" by Adelyn Birch is a quick, concise 61 page read that covers most of the ways manipulators take control in personal relationships. Learning the game so he can't play it with you is key for you to keep your sanity during the divorce. You may find that some of the emotional manipulation tactics outlined were always in play during your marriage. I know I did. I just didn't have the tools to identify these behaviors or the motivation to name them pre D-day. "Leave a Cheater Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn is another good read to decipher what's going down.

Good luck with the lawyer tomorrow! Stay strong.

ETA:
Please discuss recouping family $$ for the $$ he spent maintaining his double life - look at $$ spent on ALL AP's and their families if you can. 1/2 that money is yours!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 3:21 AM, Monday, April 18th]

Married 32 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 63
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 110   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8730267
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