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Newest Member: Hopeful318

Just Found Out :
Want to try but scared… please help

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 8:47 PM on Friday, April 1st, 2022

It’s been 7 weeks since my (25F) boyfriend (30M) of 3.5 years cheated.

He had a few friends over and they all drank and did drugs (mdma). The AP was a recent friend who I was actually supposed to meet the night before but I cancelled plans and we stayed home. He kissed her and brought her into his bedroom. When he first told me, all he said is I’ve cheated on you and I immediately assumed they had sex. He quickly corrected me and told me he was in a position to, but didn’t go through with it. After asking him more questions later he told me that he got up to search for condoms (they’re hard to find as we hardly use them), had a moment of clarity and shut it down.

I seriously question every day whether or not this is something I can ever get over. I really want to. He has always been an honest person and we have had a very happy relationship up until this point. I believe that the way he has handled this situation after the fact shows that he truly is a decent person and that he does care about me. He’s devastated. Unfortunately this doesn’t erase anything and I still feel like my emotions are being determined by some sick person’s roll of the dice every hour.

He has taken full responsibility and came over to tell me the morning after it happened. He has voluntarily enrolled himself in therapy (2 sessions so far), he messaged the AP before coming to tell me that he cheated on someone he loved and he’s sorry to involve her (she knew about me, I did read all their conversations from the moment they met and they really were not flirty or inappropriate) and she’s now blocked, he’s decided no more drugs or partying. He’s offered me his location and full access to all devices. He has also never made me feel like this was my fault and has been incredibly patient with me lashing out at him. He has finished my school assignment for me at 4am while I lay on the floor crying. He’s offered to pay for my therapy for the next year whether or not I decide to stay with him.

The biggest thing that is making me skeptical is that I’m terrified that deep down a part of him doesn’t want to be with me and this is some type of self-sabotage. He’s trying to reassure me that if he didn’t want to be with me, he would not as it would be easier for him to leave. We are not stuck together by any means, we live separately and have no kids. Being with me for him was already not the easiest choice as he is from another country and it requires him to stand up to his family. He’s saying that if he’s still here it’s only because he truly wants to be and he loves me.

I’m having a really hard time reconciling that someone could love and care about you and still do this. To me it seems impossible and I’m so scared to try and find out.

Anybody else further out from DDay and having more clarity? Do you truly believe in reconciliation? Is there anything you or your partner did that helped?

Thank you for reading if you made it to the end. I’m sorry if you’re here because you went through something similar, it’s the worst

[This message edited by Lifesruff at 10:00 PM, Friday, April 1st]

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8727464
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:04 PM on Friday, April 1st, 2022

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Reconciliation is always possible with a remorseful spouse/partner.

Unfortunately, your boyfriend failed you while you were dating, will he be a safe partner for you in the future? I don't know, but honestly if you were my daughter, I would advise you to walk away.

How can you be sure nothing happened? Is he willing to take a polygraph? Too many of us here, myself included, were told they only kissed. rolleyes Understand cheaters minimize to protect themselves. Did someone see them? Was the AP threatening to inform you? Keep in mind he was attracted to this recent friend in order to do what he did.

It takes 2-5 years to get over infidelity, are you willing to take all that time to figure out if you want a future with your boyfriend.

I don't know if you've discussed marriage, but it should be off the table.

So sorry he's hurt you, all of us understand how traumatic cheating is, just soul-crushing.

Have you told your parents/siblings/trusted friend? What would you advise if a good friend of yours was in the same situation?

[This message edited by annb at 9:04 PM, Friday, April 1st]

posts: 11671   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8727468
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:18 PM on Friday, April 1st, 2022

First off, sorry you’ve found yourself here in this situation.

You’re about to wade into a pool of Betrayed Spouses (BS) and some very insightful Wayward Spouses (WS) from all over the world. You’re going to receive a lot of responses based on the poster’s own experiences and biases and you’re also going to see some commonalities in the responses that have become, over the years, tried-and-true crowd sourced tenets and canon of the community of surviving infidelity at large.

WARNING: You’re going to hear a wide array of commentary from frank, hard hitting, gonna tell it to you straight, cynical, tough loving posters on one end of the extreme, and you’re going to hear from wise ole softies on the other end of the spectrum. Please, listen to ALL of it with an open mind. Process all of it and then take what works for you and discard the rest. Every contributor has your best interests at heart. Every contributor comes from a different experience and you will see variations in POV, but we all intimately know how much infidelity hurts and we can empathize with you like few others.

posts: 992   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8727470
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:46 PM on Friday, April 1st, 2022

Now, usually, USUALLY, with few exceptions, we advise people experiencing infidelity in the courting, exclusive dating, engagement or honeymoon phase of a relationship to cut and run.

This phase of the relationship is considered the trial phase. It’s also the Limerent phase of a budding relationship which typically includes obsessive exclusive thoughts and intense desire. Limerence either crystalizes into marital long term devotion or it goes into decay and peters out.

So, when someone cheats during the most intense phase of a relationship, and also the trial phase, and also the least challenging point in your lives and relationship, this does not bode well for the prospects of lifelong, thick-and-thin, better and worse, sickness and in health marriage material when life begins to seriously stress test your relationship with children, debt, aging parents, career and life stressors, life changes, midlife crisis, constant temptation, chronic illness and debilitation and the ravages of time.

However, your partner was under the influence of MDMA, he didn’t follow through with the sexual act, he voluntarily confessed, he has no prior history of boundary violations(?) and he appears to be proactive and taking the lead with reconciliatory actions.

So IMO, all is not necessarily lost. They’re maybe some hope here.

Other posters will be along to tell you what to look out for, what to further investigate, what to expect, what actions to take, and what their personal views are on your disposition and chances of success.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:03 PM, Friday, April 1st]

posts: 992   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8727478
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 10:10 PM on Friday, April 1st, 2022

He quickly corrected me and told me he was in a position to, but didn’t go through with it.

If you read enough here, you will see that this common claim is 99% of the time a complete lie.

The "no more drugs or partying" almost always never holds true as well.

we live separately and have no kids.

I can tell you from my perspective.

If I was back in the dating stage, with no kids, with my ex-wife - I would very quickly end the relationship and relegate her to just being someone I used to know.

The propensity to recommit infidelity is on the high side.

I can tell you also from my experience - when married and children are involved, the pain and trauma is 1000X worse than what you are feeling now.

Not just to you, but even worse to the children, as they get to watch their family, security, and foundation being destroyed from within.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 10:11 PM, Friday, April 1st]

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1225   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8727482
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 10:34 PM on Friday, April 1st, 2022

He needs to understand that doing MDMA and chumming up with girls at the same time, is not something a grown up in a serious relationship lets themselves do anymore.

Depending on your world view, if you allow it, it’s something which happens in late teens / early 20’s then becomes flat out sad. Not trying to be a grinch, other things come along which are fun in new ways and compensate.

Also, these friends of his. Are they also friends of yours? I get they were also high, but did no one notice and think to say something. Has he expressed his remorse to them.

[This message edited by straightup at 10:38 PM, Friday, April 1st]

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 173   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8727488
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 1:10 AM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

If my exclusive girlfriend and future fiancé willfully and knowingly took a well known psycho-sexually active illegal substance without my knowledge, when in the lone company of other men-not myself, putting herself and the most important thing in our lives-our relationship, at great and unnecessary risk…

I would be beyond pissed and concerned.

Your boyfriend went down the slippery slope of cheating like all other cheaters, he did it willfully, thoughtfully. He knew when he washed down those pills he was putting himself into an extremely compromising situation that will probably result in a violation of boundaries, and he did it anyway. He made that decision to swallow those pills before he was under the influence (assuming he wasn’t under the influence already) and put himself in that situation.

This shows a lack of regard for you and your relationship.

I would investigate this further. He’s got a lot to answer for. What would have happened if condoms were readily available? If they didn’t have intercourse, what other forms of sex did they resort to? Why did they exchange phone numbers? What happened with the rest of the evening? What time did he come home? How did he get home?

I would never do anything like this to my partner or without my partner.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:25 AM, Saturday, April 2nd]

posts: 992   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8727513
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:00 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

So MDMA is a "love drug". It subdues the amygdala and with that removes fear, leaving one open to feelings of love and peace. That’s why it’s so popular at raves. Under that influence (and I have experienced it), I find it questionable that he did not follow through with sex. And even if they did not have intercourse, this may a case of "everything but". And I don’t think it had anything really to do with you — it really had to do with she was available and there and they were under the influence… he had the opportunity and took it. Simple as that.

These friends— do they do drugs and drink a lot? Will he really be able to abstain and be with this crowd? I have friends where that’s kind of our thing — that’s what we do together. It would be difficult for me to hang with them and not participate, frankly. If not, will he have to leave these friends in order to stay clean per his promise to you? I mean, will you feel safe if he’s with them and you are not there?

He offered IC — take him up on it. Get yourself in there to work through the trauma he imposed on you. You don’t have to decide if this is a deal breaker today. See if his actions align with his words. Don’t commit or get deeper entangled with him until you know what is BEST FOR YOU. And double up on birth control- the last thing you need right now is the complication of pregnancy. (And be aware of love bombing… it can be intoxicating, but again make sure actions and words align. Words are cheap and easy.)

Also, get STD tested and insist he does as well. Just in case. If he did not have sex, he’ll be happy to do it to support you. And in case he did have sex, you need to protect yourself. This stinks, but doctors have seen/heard it all so don’t be embarrassed.

You are young. Take the time you need to decide what is BEST FOR YOU. Dating is in fact a try-out for marriage. He failed majorly here. Even if he does everything right from here on out, you don’t owe him a second chance. You do owe yourself the chance to heal and do what’s best for you.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5110   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8727618
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:01 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Being under the influence is a big issue here.

He may have never behaved this way had he not taken the drug and drank.

I’d say it appears he may have not behaved this way had he not been inebriated and high.

If he doesn’t do drugs again or get intoxicated like that he may never cheat again. It is possible he learned a very valuable Lesson here.

Time will tell.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:26 PM, Sunday, April 3rd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12802   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8727627
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:04 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Assuming your WBF told you the truth and he stopped when he said he did, I think it's a good sign that he volunteered the information to you. And yes... reconciliation and recovery are possible, but he's got to address whatever it was inside him that allowed for poor character and bad judgment. He needs to be on the same page with his core values. A person who really honors the concept of Fidelity won't cheat. So what does he REALLY think of that? Is faithfulness important to his internal view of who he is, or is it just for other people?

Two things... First, I think if you're going to continue in this relationship, I would insist on counseling in order to firm up values and judgment. And second, no more drugs. Period. I know, in youth it seems like just a social thing, but you don't want to end up with someone who can never be sober, and you don't find that out until they ARE sober. Remember that dating is for testing a relationship out. Right now, this guy has some red flags, so keep your eyes open.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6176   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8727628
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 10:58 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Thank you so much to everyone for your comments, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Also I’m not sure if there’s a reply to specific comments button (I’m on mobile), but if there is please let me know because this is super long!

@Annb

There were two of his guy friends also there that night, I know them both, but believe they would never tattle on him. They saw him kiss her and take her into the bedroom. One was very upset in the morning that he was too high to react to the situation and encouraged my bf to tell me immediately.

The AP wouldn’t have told me either, she replied back to his message of "sorry I involved you in this" with "oh I remembered you had a girlfriend and didn’t stop you whoops, hope we can still be friends". To which he never replied and subsequently blocked her. I messaged her to get her side of the story and she didn’t reply.

A polygraph is something I hadn’t considered! Definitely going to look into that.

I have told a few friends and my brother. All have recommended I give him a chance but be wary of what happened.

@straightup

I 100% agree with you. I myself don’t partake in the party scene because I don’t find it at all interesting or fun. Something that doesn’t make it ok but I understand is that he lived in a very conservative country until 25 so this is something that he was not able to do in his late teens/early 20s.

There were two other guy friends (his) there that night. One I’ve known since before I met my bf and I would consider him my friend as well. He was extremely upset with my bf and encouraged him to tell me immediately. Bf texted both friends in the morning telling them he was not a good host or partner that night and that he’s sorry he put them in that situation. Told them both that he has told me everything.

@realityblows

I also agree with you that the behaviour leading up to the cheating was wrong and had better decisions been made, this likely would not have happened. While I didn’t know that mdma was going to be apart of this specific night (neither did he apparently, the girl brought it), I’ve never had a problem with him doing it in the past. I knew everyone who was over and was not uncomfortable with it. He’s always been responsible (as far as I know) and also has only ever done molly at concerts. He told me that he was unaware of how it would affect him doing it at home as he’s usually too distracted with being out and listening to music to be concerned with hooking up with people.

I asked him what would have happened if he had condoms next to the bed and he said they would’ve had sex. He described it to me as the act of having to get up and search for them (they’re not near the bed, they’re in a cabinet, and then in a zippered bag) gave him a moment to process what was happening (he says brain was off) and realize it’s not what he wanted. AP told him to come back to bed it’s fine they don’t need one and he told her no he doesn’t want to do this. Obviously other sexual things happened before this point, I’ve sat him down and asked him to describe all details.

He has known her for around 6 months and she’s a friend of a friend he occasionally sees in group settings which is why he has her number. Her existence has never been hidden from me and she knew about me. I’ve scrolled through all their conversations and they are truly not flirty or inappropriate. I’ve actually seen their conversations before this happened as well (texted her back while he was driving and his phone has always been open to me). This plan to hang out and have drinks was actually supposed to happen the night before (with me there) but I chose to cancel.

He was at home when this happened. They took the molly around 2am, he came to my place around 2pm.

@bearlybreathing

Thanks for the friends consideration. They are friends that he both parties with and does normal activities as well. I have no issue with him remaining friends with them but he has offered to cut them off. He has told all his friends that he will no longer be going out to concerts without me there and will not be partaking in drugs period. Since then he’s met up with them for a few dinners and to play soccer.

Re: STD test, I took one last week but the lab was unable to process the sample. Have to go back this week and redo it. I haven’t asked him to, but I think that’s a good idea. I was extremely doubtful of his "we kissed but didn’t have sex because I stopped it" answer so I got tested. After asking more details I’m much more inclined to believe I have the full story but will definitely still be going back to complete the test.

@chamomiletea

I am definitely insisting on therapy. He’s had two sessions so far and is working on figuring out his shit. I have an appointment booked for next week for myself. May also do couples counselling but want to wait for a few more individual sessions first.

Giving up drugs and going out to parties without me there are non negotiable. I have also never asked him to give up the drugs he volunteered. He told me he’s not making choices that are in line with who he wants to be as a person and drugs are part of that problem.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8727666
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:28 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

That sounds like a pretty good plan. The only thing I would add would be to not make any commitments for at least a year. You're only 25, so you'll want to observe him very clearly over a good length of time to make sure he's authentic. Nothing can protect you 100% from being the victim of intimate betrayal. No matter how well we think we know someone, we can't really see into their mind. That, and people can change over the course of a long life, sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. What we can do though is keep our eyes open and not be afraid to let a toxic person go if that becomes a development.

You sound smart. I think you're going to be okay. smile

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:28 AM, Sunday, April 3rd]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6176   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8727684
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:52 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

Agree with CT ^^

posts: 992   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8727717
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:35 PM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

What to look for. My experience.

I dated an alcoholic from 18-21. Yes he had a drinking problem at 18. It was never one beer it was always "drink until plastered".

We break up for that reason and his verbally abusive nature even when sober.

He wants to get back together. Swore up and down he’s changed. So we get back together. All is going well.

One Sunday morning my brother says "hey I saw your BF last night". Where? In the bar at 2 am. Our date ended at midnight.

He made every promise he needed to but didn’t follow through.

The FIRST time there is a slip up or your BF does something he promised not to do(like drugs) — RUN!! Because his actions tell you everything you need to know.

I hope this works out for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12802   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8727746
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 6:14 PM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

@chamomiletea

Thanks for the added advice! I think not making any commitments for a year is a really good idea. A few days after this happened he called his mom and told her that he wants to marry me (a big deal for him as she knew about me but not the extent of our relationship). She now keeps asking about me and when he’s planning to propose. He’s also been asking if I’ll go to his country with him in the summer to meet his whole family. I’ve said no to the trip and told him it feels like pressure to stay.

@the1stwife

Thank you for the great advice, I will keep my eyes open! I hope nothing happens, but if it does I will try my best to be prepared to walk away

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8727966
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 8:41 PM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

Has anyone yet recommended the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair"? Assuming what WBF has told you is the truth, he is already doing a very good job of being a "re-builder." And if YOU read the book before giving it to him it will give you an excellent road-map as to what he should be doing to help you. I marked it up in the margins before giving it to my WH with a mandate to read it in 48 hours and come talk to me about it, which marked the turning point in where we were headed after DDay.

Scheduling a polygraph also is a good idea - they can only ask about three questions but the examiners usually are pretty good about about crafting good ones. One might be: "have you been completely truthful about the AP incident with your BGF?" which covers a lot of ground.

Also have him write out a timeline of everything he can remember about that night, including all the sexual details. You may not want to read it right away - or at all - but knowing that he will do it at your request is important for assessing his commitment.

If you do these things you will feel so much better - and regain control of your own life and direction.

Best of luck
Odonna

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8728008
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

I like the idea of having him write out a timeline. I’ve written him several questions so far (easier to be clear in writing sometimes) and he has written out answers to read to me. Having him write out the night sounds like a great way to have him realize just how many poor choices he made and how he could have prevented this.

I haven’t heard of the book yet, I will have him order it!

As far as polygraphs go, do you think there’s any benefit to actually doing one vs just getting him to message the girl and confirm what happened? It seems a little extreme to me. Regardless I’m going to ask if he’ll agree to one and find out if he’s willing to pay for it just to see where he’s at.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8728027
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:01 PM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

do you think there’s any benefit to actually doing one vs just getting him to message the girl and confirm what happened?

If he's lying, he's already spoken to her,so they can get their stories straight.

She's a woman who admitted she knew all about you,and she didn't care. There's zero reason to trust a word she says.

posts: 4859   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8728031
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 3:50 AM on Tuesday, April 5th, 2022

I'd normally say no house, no kids, no shared business: just walk. This strikes me as a bit different. You are the one on the scene here.

1) under the influence. Yes this matters but he also put himself in the position.

2) no pattern with the girl prior.

3) told you immediately or the next day. Shows he knew it was a lapse in decision making and you deserved the truth.

4) is enrolling in therapy, ditching the drugs.

I'm maybe a little hippy dippy here on drugs compared to others on the board. Enjoyed safely in the company of friends I think is fine.

I'd look for any other pattern of him being a little fast and loose with rules. When you assess his pattern of behavior and trustworthiness how does this night fit in? Highly unusual, or just slightly off normal?

Feel free to check my post history. I'm not an apologist or a reconcile at all costs type.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:51 AM, Tuesday, April 5th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2174   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8728092
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 4:45 AM on Tuesday, April 5th, 2022

This0is0fine: thanks for the comment!

I have really been time travelling around our relationship history trying to find other instances where this or similar behaviour might have happened, but haven’t come up with anything.

Honestly the behaviour was highly unusual. There was nothing weird going on between the two of us at the time. We spent the day together and I was talking to him up until 1am when I went to sleep. One of his friends who was there said he really wasn’t acting like himself all night and that the drugs were shitty. Not excuses, but it was very out of character and he’s been beating himself up more than I have.

I will say he does tend to go a little too far occasionally with alcohol and drugs, (and has admitted this is a problem) but to the extent where he has to cancel plans the next day from being sick not because he goes missing or does inappropriate things.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8728099
Topic is Sleeping.
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