Thank you so much to everyone for your comments, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Also I’m not sure if there’s a reply to specific comments button (I’m on mobile), but if there is please let me know because this is super long!
There were two of his guy friends also there that night, I know them both, but believe they would never tattle on him. They saw him kiss her and take her into the bedroom. One was very upset in the morning that he was too high to react to the situation and encouraged my bf to tell me immediately.
The AP wouldn’t have told me either, she replied back to his message of "sorry I involved you in this" with "oh I remembered you had a girlfriend and didn’t stop you whoops, hope we can still be friends". To which he never replied and subsequently blocked her. I messaged her to get her side of the story and she didn’t reply.
A polygraph is something I hadn’t considered! Definitely going to look into that.
I have told a few friends and my brother. All have recommended I give him a chance but be wary of what happened.
I 100% agree with you. I myself don’t partake in the party scene because I don’t find it at all interesting or fun. Something that doesn’t make it ok but I understand is that he lived in a very conservative country until 25 so this is something that he was not able to do in his late teens/early 20s.
There were two other guy friends (his) there that night. One I’ve known since before I met my bf and I would consider him my friend as well. He was extremely upset with my bf and encouraged him to tell me immediately. Bf texted both friends in the morning telling them he was not a good host or partner that night and that he’s sorry he put them in that situation. Told them both that he has told me everything.
I also agree with you that the behaviour leading up to the cheating was wrong and had better decisions been made, this likely would not have happened. While I didn’t know that mdma was going to be apart of this specific night (neither did he apparently, the girl brought it), I’ve never had a problem with him doing it in the past. I knew everyone who was over and was not uncomfortable with it. He’s always been responsible (as far as I know) and also has only ever done molly at concerts. He told me that he was unaware of how it would affect him doing it at home as he’s usually too distracted with being out and listening to music to be concerned with hooking up with people.
I asked him what would have happened if he had condoms next to the bed and he said they would’ve had sex. He described it to me as the act of having to get up and search for them (they’re not near the bed, they’re in a cabinet, and then in a zippered bag) gave him a moment to process what was happening (he says brain was off) and realize it’s not what he wanted. AP told him to come back to bed it’s fine they don’t need one and he told her no he doesn’t want to do this. Obviously other sexual things happened before this point, I’ve sat him down and asked him to describe all details.
He has known her for around 6 months and she’s a friend of a friend he occasionally sees in group settings which is why he has her number. Her existence has never been hidden from me and she knew about me. I’ve scrolled through all their conversations and they are truly not flirty or inappropriate. I’ve actually seen their conversations before this happened as well (texted her back while he was driving and his phone has always been open to me). This plan to hang out and have drinks was actually supposed to happen the night before (with me there) but I chose to cancel.
He was at home when this happened. They took the molly around 2am, he came to my place around 2pm.
Thanks for the friends consideration. They are friends that he both parties with and does normal activities as well. I have no issue with him remaining friends with them but he has offered to cut them off. He has told all his friends that he will no longer be going out to concerts without me there and will not be partaking in drugs period. Since then he’s met up with them for a few dinners and to play soccer.
Re: STD test, I took one last week but the lab was unable to process the sample. Have to go back this week and redo it. I haven’t asked him to, but I think that’s a good idea. I was extremely doubtful of his "we kissed but didn’t have sex because I stopped it" answer so I got tested. After asking more details I’m much more inclined to believe I have the full story but will definitely still be going back to complete the test.
I am definitely insisting on therapy. He’s had two sessions so far and is working on figuring out his shit. I have an appointment booked for next week for myself. May also do couples counselling but want to wait for a few more individual sessions first.
Giving up drugs and going out to parties without me there are non negotiable. I have also never asked him to give up the drugs he volunteered. He told me he’s not making choices that are in line with who he wants to be as a person and drugs are part of that problem.