Want to try but scared… please help

It’s been 7 weeks since my (25F) boyfriend (30M) of 3.5 years cheated.

He had a few friends over and they all drank and did drugs (mdma). The AP was a recent friend who I was actually supposed to meet the night before but I cancelled plans and we stayed home. He kissed her and brought her into his bedroom. When he first told me, all he said is I’ve cheated on you and I immediately assumed they had sex. He quickly corrected me and told me he was in a position to, but didn’t go through with it. After asking him more questions later he told me that he got up to search for condoms (they’re hard to find as we hardly use them), had a moment of clarity and shut it down.

I seriously question every day whether or not this is something I can ever get over. I really want to. He has always been an honest person and we have had a very happy relationship up until this point. I believe that the way he has handled this situation after the fact shows that he truly is a decent person and that he does care about me. He’s devastated. Unfortunately this doesn’t erase anything and I still feel like my emotions are being determined by some sick person’s roll of the dice every hour.

He has taken full responsibility and came over to tell me the morning after it happened. He has voluntarily enrolled himself in therapy (2 sessions so far), he messaged the AP before coming to tell me that he cheated on someone he loved and he’s sorry to involve her (she knew about me, I did read all their conversations from the moment they met and they really were not flirty or inappropriate) and she’s now blocked, he’s decided no more drugs or partying. He’s offered me his location and full access to all devices. He has also never made me feel like this was my fault and has been incredibly patient with me lashing out at him. He has finished my school assignment for me at 4am while I lay on the floor crying. He’s offered to pay for my therapy for the next year whether or not I decide to stay with him.

The biggest thing that is making me skeptical is that I’m terrified that deep down a part of him doesn’t want to be with me and this is some type of self-sabotage. He’s trying to reassure me that if he didn’t want to be with me, he would not as it would be easier for him to leave. We are not stuck together by any means, we live separately and have no kids. Being with me for him was already not the easiest choice as he is from another country and it requires him to stand up to his family. He’s saying that if he’s still here it’s only because he truly wants to be and he loves me.

I’m having a really hard time reconciling that someone could love and care about you and still do this. To me it seems impossible and I’m so scared to try and find out.

Anybody else further out from DDay and having more clarity? Do you truly believe in reconciliation? Is there anything you or your partner did that helped?

Thank you for reading if you made it to the end. I’m sorry if you’re here because you went through something similar, it’s the worst

41 comments posted: Monday, April 4th, 2022