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Newest Member: Hopeful318

Just Found Out :
Want to try but scared… please help

Topic is Sleeping.
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:39 PM on Tuesday, April 5th, 2022

"What makes love last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal" by Gottman really covers the multifaceted nature of trust.

This is not my go to for newly betrayed, usually I go with "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. But I don't really think his issues are boundary setting, but more pointed toward a decision making process that doesn't quite reflect devotion or putting your relationship first.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2174   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8728194
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NotInMyLife ( member #67728) posted at 1:20 AM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2022

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John and Julie Gottman is another good book. It's essentially a series of structured exercises to work on the issues discussed in What Makes Love Last? The eight suggested dates would be a good way to re-orient the relationship.

posts: 169   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018
id 8728249
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:43 AM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2022

The AP wouldn’t have told me either, she replied back to his message of "sorry I involved you in this" with "oh I remembered you had a girlfriend and didn’t stop you whoops, hope we can still be friends". To which he never replied and subsequently blocked her. I messaged her to get her side of the story and she didn’t reply.

Sounds like it went very far, how far ? likely PIV sex, but anyway, based on what you posted he also has a problem with drugs and alcohol, and now he has already cheated on you and could have exposed you to serious STDs/STIs (some could be transmitted via saliva), so I honestly don't think he's an ideal partner for you, far from it, besides he's just a boyfriend, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater with drugs/alcohol problems, so I honestly suggest you cut your losses and run.

posts: 2694   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8728263
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 3:56 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Unhappy update for you all

Today I woke up feeling like something was wrong. I had a strong feeling that WBF hadn’t told me the full truth. I went to visit after work and when I told him I’m still feeling like I’m missing the whole truth (I’ve asked him several times to describe what happened), he immediately looked like he was going to cry.

Now I have the full truth and it’s so shitty. He did sleep with her. Without a condom. And was perfectly fine to do the same with me without informing me.

He watched me cry myself to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night for 2 months while holding me and lying straight to my face. He was perfectly happy to let me continue to try and forgive him while not telling me all the information. I’m so confused as to why he’d come to tell me at all the day after if he was just going to lie about it anyway.

I packed up and left. Utterly devastated but also for the first time I feel like I can breathe. I finally know.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8729314
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:38 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

I'm really sorry.

Knowing and being able to breathe form a pretty good basis for restarting your life.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8729370
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:57 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Ugh... I'm so sorry. I was really hoping you had a unicorn on your hands and that he was telling you the truth.

I’m so confused as to why he’d come to tell me at all the day after if he was just going to lie about it anyway.


I suspect that he was afraid something would get back to you through his other friends and decided to go with something close enough to the truth that maybe it would pass. You'll want to see your doctor for STD testing. I know that sounds really embarrassing, especially when you're young. But most doctors are really professional and compassionate about it, and they see it all the time, so you're not going to be shocking anyone.

I'm glad you've decided to take some space. That can really help bring clarity to the mind. Whatever you decide to do next, we're here.

((big hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6176   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8729505
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 6:21 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

I’m so confused as to why he’d come to tell me at all the day after if he was just going to lie about it anyway.

The virtuous, dramatic, next-day, voluntary confession of how he "couldn’t go through with" having sex with this person was nothing more than a deception disguised as as a virtuous, dramatic, next-day, voluntary confession to cover up the fact that he "did go through with" having sex with this person.

He counted on you trusting his phony demonstration of a conscience so that you wouldn’t question it further.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1225   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8729512
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 1:43 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

ChamomileTea:

I really thought so too! So disappointed

He told me it was always his intention to tell me from the first day but he got scared and chickened out. No way the others would have told me. The one friend who would be the most likely to say something knew he was lying to me about what happened and said nothing.

The worst part is understanding why he lied to me later times I asked. It’s cowardly and unacceptable, but I do understand.

He’s been genuinely very scared for me. A few weeks after I became suddenly extremely sick and almost died - unrelated reasons but I’m sure stress wasn’t helpful. I’ve also had a lot of physical symptoms after finding this out (have hardly eaten in months and started having panic attacks) to the point where he’s wanted to take me to the hospital or call my mom for help on several occasions. To him I was fragile and in his head he thought he was protecting me from further harm, even though we all know that wasn’t true.

Already got the std test before finding out so we’re good there, thanks for the reminder.

My only feelings really are overwhelming sadness. Sad that he wasn’t brave enough to tell me at the start, I likely would have forgiven him anyway. Most of my anxiety vanished the second he told me. I was previously keeping this a bit private, but I’ve now told all of my friends and my mom which has been really helpful. She’s shocked more than I was I think. They had a really good relationship and she’s asked me if it’s ok if she writes him a letter. She’s also gently recommending I hear him out once I feel I’ve had enough space (once I found out we didn’t talk at all I just left)

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8729532
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:49 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

He told me it was always his intention to tell me from the first day but he got scared and chickened out. No way the others would have told me.

Waywards seldom come fully clean easily. At least the ones still focused on keeping the relationship with their betrayed at all costs. They try to calibrate their confessions to be just close enough to the truth but to not include anything that might be the last straw. That's one of the reasons that one of our maxims is the only way to save a relationship tainted by infidelity is for both the BS and WS is to do what needs to be done regardless the outcome. The BS has to be willing to hold the WS feet to the fire even if that causes the WS to leave. The WS has to tell the true story regardless of whether or not the BS can forgive that. I'm sorry he failed you again.

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8729541
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:41 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Sorry to hear this update.

I guess we can all get caught up in a little bit of wishful thinking.

I retract all previous advice that this is maybe an "under the influence" one off that he immediately confronted with honesty. He trickle truthed you, which completely reframes not just the event but casts a huge shadow on his capability for honesty.

Kicks me back to the default advice that you should walk since you don't have any significant practical entanglements.

So sorry this happened to you.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2174   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8730620
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 1:57 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Are you a counselor?

posts: 299   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8732973
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 5:59 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Me? Not a counsellor… Why?

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8733237
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:38 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

If your mom wants to talk to him fine. You can let them have their closure. I'd just move on now. I'm glad you're away. Drugs, lies, who needs it? A lifetime of worry. I loved my person dearly but he didn't trust me enough to be honest. Cheaters say anything. Nothing we can do about that. Keep your standards up.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2517   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8734631
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Txquail ( member #62946) posted at 8:00 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

@Lifesruff

I want you to think of it this way since you two are not married.

You dated this person as a potential husband, it was a test. It is very apparent to you and everyone here that he failed that test. He's no longer husband material and it's time to move on to find someone who is marriage material.

Does this make sense?

posts: 292   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8734735
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:37 AM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Hey Lifesruff

How are things going?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11144   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8739932
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 5:54 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022

Update for you all:

About a month ago WP and I went on weeklong trip out of the country. I had planned the trip and paid for the plane tickets as a 30th birthday gift. I told him about the tickets the night before he cheated. I don’t know why I went with him. He offered to pay the change fees for me to take someone else and offered to pay me back for both of our tickets. In my head I would be miserable going with someone else when I was meant to go with him. I originally bought the tickets so that I would be there for one week and he would go for two. I asked that he change his flight to come back after one week. The cost of changing his flight to come back with me was more than I had paid for both tickets, but he did it with no complaints.

The trip was so hard. We were in an extremely beautiful place and everywhere I looked I saw how we could’ve been having an amazing time but we weren’t because he wanted to have sex with some random girl. I was a complete disaster. I cried every single day, multiple times a day. I had several panic attacks. I was in so much physical pain from shaking and being so tense. We went on an amazing boat tour and I spent the entire time curled up in a corner crying. I was so anxious I had real trouble leaving the hotel room. I have always been a slightly anxious person, but nothing remotely close to how I felt on this trip. WP held the vacation together the best he could. He made sure we had tickets to all the places I wanted to go, figured out food, driving, and all the other logistics. He sat with me while I cried, woke up in the middle of the night with me, and missed doing things he really wanted to do because I couldn’t get out of bed.

When we got back, I went to the doctor and was prescribed lexapro. I was really scared to go on medication and I was angry at myself for being weak enough that I needed to go on medication over a boy of all things. It turned out to be the best decision I could have made. For the first time in 4 months I felt like myself. I felt like I could have other thoughts besides obsessing over the cheating. I went from being scared to leave my house and doing nothing all day to being able to do things that I like again. It has been seriously life changing. Cannot say enough good things about it.

When we landed, WP said he needed some space. For two days we didn’t talk, and when we did, he said he wants to end things. He said there’s too much pain and he doesn’t see how we’ll ever be happy again. After about a week or so we agreed to two weeks no contact and then to reassess. During that time he shut down hard. He didn’t leave his house, his family and friends were worried about him and he basically just binge watched a ton of Netflix. During those two weeks I realized that my entire life had become about cheating - no wonder I wasn’t happy. I spent all my free time reading about infidelity or crying about it for months. I stopped reading, stopped thinking, and slowly started reliving life.

Now we’re at a spot where we’re talking again. We’ve got a mix of serious talks and trying to spend time together where we are actually enjoying each other instead of crying. WP has a lot of valid concerns about being together as do I. I still have no idea what’s going to happen or even what’s going on right now. Therapy has been extremely helpful. She has helped me realize that while WP did cheat, he has also been there for me every single time I have needed him for months now. And I mean really been there. There was a period of time where I was having trouble leaving work because I was anxious going outside so I would sit there for hours. More than once he rented a car, picked me up from work and drove me home (I live about half an hour away from work). She has also helped me realize that just because he cheated doesn’t mean that he owes me these things. He doesn’t even owe it to me to stick around and discuss his relationship concerns. She was surprised that he hasn’t straight up disappeared by now.

That’s it from me for now. Thanks for reading and I’ll update you all again soon

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8743166
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 7:48 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022

Since he's just your boyfriend and has cheated, you should leave him and find someone faithful. He's likely to cheat again in the future, and you have so little invested with him that it makes sense to move on. Find someone who doesn't use drugs, and who values fidelity.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8743172
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:58 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022

It’s great your therapist is pointing out positives about your BF.

But………at his age — he should be past this drugs & sex lifestyle or mentality.

While the drugs made him in an altered state, think about your future with a person who chooses this lifestyle. Are you always going to be wondering "is he out with his friends doing drugs and picking up random women?" Or more importantly, is he doing drugs (if you are against it and he knows you don’t approve)?

Now if you are ok with that - I will retract my position and respect your choice.

You are young and cannot see what some of us older more experienced posters have seen in our lifetime. Keep your eyes open for the fact that most party boy/girl lifestyles don’t hold up well when kids are involved. One person takes on the responsibility and the other parent just doesn’t. And the one that does resents the one that doesn’t.

I dated a guy like your BF but in my early 20s. Drinking and Weed. Sports. Total party guy. We broke up. He married. He cut down in the drinking & weed to some extent. But his wife did everything (something he admitted). I could have taken that bet and won - totally predictable.

I’ve seen too many relationships and marriages implode for this exact situation. Just be aware. Be prepared. Keep your eyes open.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:57 AM, Sunday, July 3rd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12804   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8743173
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:01 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022

Google - party pooper moms. Page Six of The Post. June 30 story.

Recent viral post that has been reported in US and Europe etc.

It’s an embarrassment. Thankfully the name of the town is not posted.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:03 PM, Saturday, July 2nd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12804   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8743174
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 7:27 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

OP, you were what 21/22 when you got together? Very young. And he was 26/27? And you are having difficulty letting go, that’s understandable given how young you were when you first got together, the length of your relationship, and it was probably your first serious relationship, and he is notably older. It’s nice that your therapist can point out good things about your bf, but almost everyone have good qualities. He’s also probably the person who’s hurt you the most in the world. Sometimes it’s just easier to let go. Let him go. Move on and work on yourself and don’t ever settle for less. There are men who will do all the nice things he has done for you and ALSO NOT cheat, NOT lie, and NOT watch you go through hell while continuing to lie. This can’t be said enough: when someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM. Move on right now while it’s infinitely easier as you’re single, younger with no major entanglements handcuffing you to him and your dating prospects are greater. Relationships aren’t supposed to be this hard and cause you this much pain, they just aren’t.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8743255
Topic is Sleeping.
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