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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Want to try but scared… please help

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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:39 PM on Tuesday, April 5th, 2022

"What makes love last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal" by Gottman really covers the multifaceted nature of trust.

This is not my go to for newly betrayed, usually I go with "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. But I don't really think his issues are boundary setting, but more pointed toward a decision making process that doesn't quite reflect devotion or putting your relationship first.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8728194
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NotInMyLife ( member #67728) posted at 1:20 AM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2022

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John and Julie Gottman is another good book. It's essentially a series of structured exercises to work on the issues discussed in What Makes Love Last? The eight suggested dates would be a good way to re-orient the relationship.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018
id 8728249
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:43 AM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2022

The AP wouldn’t have told me either, she replied back to his message of "sorry I involved you in this" with "oh I remembered you had a girlfriend and didn’t stop you whoops, hope we can still be friends". To which he never replied and subsequently blocked her. I messaged her to get her side of the story and she didn’t reply.

Sounds like it went very far, how far ? likely PIV sex, but anyway, based on what you posted he also has a problem with drugs and alcohol, and now he has already cheated on you and could have exposed you to serious STDs/STIs (some could be transmitted via saliva), so I honestly don't think he's an ideal partner for you, far from it, besides he's just a boyfriend, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater with drugs/alcohol problems, so I honestly suggest you cut your losses and run.

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8728263
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 3:56 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Unhappy update for you all

Today I woke up feeling like something was wrong. I had a strong feeling that WBF hadn’t told me the full truth. I went to visit after work and when I told him I’m still feeling like I’m missing the whole truth (I’ve asked him several times to describe what happened), he immediately looked like he was going to cry.

Now I have the full truth and it’s so shitty. He did sleep with her. Without a condom. And was perfectly fine to do the same with me without informing me.

He watched me cry myself to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night for 2 months while holding me and lying straight to my face. He was perfectly happy to let me continue to try and forgive him while not telling me all the information. I’m so confused as to why he’d come to tell me at all the day after if he was just going to lie about it anyway.

I packed up and left. Utterly devastated but also for the first time I feel like I can breathe. I finally know.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8729314
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:38 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

I'm really sorry.

Knowing and being able to breathe form a pretty good basis for restarting your life.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8729370
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:57 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Ugh... I'm so sorry. I was really hoping you had a unicorn on your hands and that he was telling you the truth.

I’m so confused as to why he’d come to tell me at all the day after if he was just going to lie about it anyway.


I suspect that he was afraid something would get back to you through his other friends and decided to go with something close enough to the truth that maybe it would pass. You'll want to see your doctor for STD testing. I know that sounds really embarrassing, especially when you're young. But most doctors are really professional and compassionate about it, and they see it all the time, so you're not going to be shocking anyone.

I'm glad you've decided to take some space. That can really help bring clarity to the mind. Whatever you decide to do next, we're here.

((big hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8729505
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 6:21 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

I’m so confused as to why he’d come to tell me at all the day after if he was just going to lie about it anyway.

The virtuous, dramatic, next-day, voluntary confession of how he "couldn’t go through with" having sex with this person was nothing more than a deception disguised as as a virtuous, dramatic, next-day, voluntary confession to cover up the fact that he "did go through with" having sex with this person.

He counted on you trusting his phony demonstration of a conscience so that you wouldn’t question it further.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1205   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8729512
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 1:43 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

ChamomileTea:

I really thought so too! So disappointed

He told me it was always his intention to tell me from the first day but he got scared and chickened out. No way the others would have told me. The one friend who would be the most likely to say something knew he was lying to me about what happened and said nothing.

The worst part is understanding why he lied to me later times I asked. It’s cowardly and unacceptable, but I do understand.

He’s been genuinely very scared for me. A few weeks after I became suddenly extremely sick and almost died - unrelated reasons but I’m sure stress wasn’t helpful. I’ve also had a lot of physical symptoms after finding this out (have hardly eaten in months and started having panic attacks) to the point where he’s wanted to take me to the hospital or call my mom for help on several occasions. To him I was fragile and in his head he thought he was protecting me from further harm, even though we all know that wasn’t true.

Already got the std test before finding out so we’re good there, thanks for the reminder.

My only feelings really are overwhelming sadness. Sad that he wasn’t brave enough to tell me at the start, I likely would have forgiven him anyway. Most of my anxiety vanished the second he told me. I was previously keeping this a bit private, but I’ve now told all of my friends and my mom which has been really helpful. She’s shocked more than I was I think. They had a really good relationship and she’s asked me if it’s ok if she writes him a letter. She’s also gently recommending I hear him out once I feel I’ve had enough space (once I found out we didn’t talk at all I just left)

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8729532
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:49 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

He told me it was always his intention to tell me from the first day but he got scared and chickened out. No way the others would have told me.

Waywards seldom come fully clean easily. At least the ones still focused on keeping the relationship with their betrayed at all costs. They try to calibrate their confessions to be just close enough to the truth but to not include anything that might be the last straw. That's one of the reasons that one of our maxims is the only way to save a relationship tainted by infidelity is for both the BS and WS is to do what needs to be done regardless the outcome. The BS has to be willing to hold the WS feet to the fire even if that causes the WS to leave. The WS has to tell the true story regardless of whether or not the BS can forgive that. I'm sorry he failed you again.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8729541
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:41 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Sorry to hear this update.

I guess we can all get caught up in a little bit of wishful thinking.

I retract all previous advice that this is maybe an "under the influence" one off that he immediately confronted with honesty. He trickle truthed you, which completely reframes not just the event but casts a huge shadow on his capability for honesty.

Kicks me back to the default advice that you should walk since you don't have any significant practical entanglements.

So sorry this happened to you.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8730620
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 1:57 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Are you a counselor?

posts: 271   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8732973
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 Lifesruff (original poster new member #80183) posted at 5:59 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Me? Not a counsellor… Why?

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8733237
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:38 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

If your mom wants to talk to him fine. You can let them have their closure. I'd just move on now. I'm glad you're away. Drugs, lies, who needs it? A lifetime of worry. I loved my person dearly but he didn't trust me enough to be honest. Cheaters say anything. Nothing we can do about that. Keep your standards up.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8734631
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Txquail ( member #62946) posted at 8:00 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

@Lifesruff

I want you to think of it this way since you two are not married.

You dated this person as a potential husband, it was a test. It is very apparent to you and everyone here that he failed that test. He's no longer husband material and it's time to move on to find someone who is marriage material.

Does this make sense?

posts: 289   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8734735
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