SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have always had separate checking accounts. This began as a way that I could ensure that my income would not be used for frivolous purchases but instead, used to take care of the family. We would split the bills in the beginning and I had little problem with that mostly. I have always had a higher degree than him and a higher salary but now that I do make double what he does he does not contribute at all. While I make a good income, after taxes and bills and groceries there is little money left. Now I do not pay his car payment or his car insurance but the rest of his money is spent on his toys. He does not help with groceries, vacations, and never treats me to a dinner. I have really buried this under a rug for a long time but yesterday we found out we owe a lot of taxes because we can no longer claim our two oldest children. And coming up with this money is going to be my responsibility and it is also my fault. And I know one day that if we divorce I will be wiped clean. Years ago when I made what he made now (half of what I make now) I was raising four children and trying to get one ready for college without his financial help. I think this is wrong but when I bring it up he just feels justified in everything because I make so much more.

No this is not right.

I've always prorated things according to income percentage. If I make twice as much I contribute two thirds of expenses.

What's right is what works for you and your marriage. If you are not happy (understandably so) with this arrangement, you need to have a discussion and come up with a plan that works for both of you.

If it is not okay by BOTH OF YOU then it is not okay. Long overdue for a talk on this. You need to run your home like a business and have a plan for every dollar. (Some can be for toys, but household, insurance, retirements, rainy day… all have to come first).

Are they his kids too? Why is he okay with not contributing?

make double what he does he does not contribute at all.

While I make a good income, after taxes and bills and groceries there is little money left. Now I do not pay his car payment or his car insurance but the rest of his money is spent on his toys.

Yeah. That's not right. He's been having a free ride all this time. We have separate accounts. I can tell my wife makes 33.78% of our combined income. I know that as we added up the Mortgage, Auto Insurance, Garage, Water, Internet/Cable, Groceries, Church, Dining Out, Auto-Gas, Electric/gas, Cell phones, Home insurance average monthly bills and she gives me 34% of that number every month with which I combine with my money to pay the bills. In reality I may be paying more now as we haven't re-budgeted since 2018 and most bills have since gone up. We have a couple of joint cards and ones of our own that we use to isolate the personal spending. We are responsible for our own cars. We came to this agreement because my wife and I have very different spending models. I save up before buying. She spends and pays off. It works well for us.
I'd sit him down and propose something similar including him paying his percentage of the taxes. I'm assuming that you file jointly so it is a shared bill.

Notice that when/if you divorce you don’t get 68% of the home equity, 34% of the Ford and 22% of the Toyota and are left with 36% of the credit-card debt… all calculated in accordance with income and earning power over the years… You get half, or what the court considers "fair".
In marriage – according to the law – it’s not so much mine and his as it is ours. Theoretically your husband could go sign for a bass boat and if he doesn’t pay the collection agents won’t settle for half the dining room table and only four of the eight chairs.

There is an imbalance in finances, that’s clear. It’s not fair that one spouse gets to buy new fishing rods or shoes while the other struggles to pay groceries and utilities. It’s not fair that one can afford to go to Disney while the other is saving for new tires on the family car. But to me the issue isn’t that one makes more or that one pays all the bills. The issue is that the couple are not aligned in finances.

This does not automatically mean a joint account, but it does mean combined finances.

After all – let’s say you do divorce and over the years you have managed to save 100k… the court will give him the value of half of that in some form or another.

Financial issues kill more marriages than the topic this site deals with. I think it’s important that you get your husband on a financial leash and make sure he assumes his financial responsibility. If you owe taxes, it’s not only YOUR wages that might be garnished, YOUR car that might be repoed or YOUR part of the house foreclosed on or whatever. You filed as a couple and are accountable as a couple.

Thanks guys. I did not think this situation is fair. Yes, our children are his. And we do file taxes jointly. He would never see the unfairness of the situation if I brought it up. Once when we spoke of divorce and if it ever ended unfairly for me he said that it would, in the end, be fair because I would still be left with a nice salary. It is almost like I am being punished for making a good living. I am just trying to squirrel away as much money as I can.

I am just trying to squirrel away as much money as I can.

Please… Part of divorce is the expectation of clearly showing all accounts and funds. Basically if you hide funds you risk contempt of court. So all that money you are squirreling away… there is a big chance he’s entitled to half of it (or half of the value factors to his advantage.

Not if the money is hid or held for me by someone else. Lol.

HDENUFF75
It’s tough for me to reply because this is the Off Topic forum and shouldn’t be used for relationship issues. I’m probably at the very least treading on some boundary with this reply, so I guess I have to report myself to the mods on this post…

Yes, you can possibly squirrel away some funds and maybe have a stack of bills hidden in a shoe-box somewhere. But when you file your husband has the right to question expenses and where money has been going. It just depends how bit an ahole he wants to be, but by default you hand over income statements and bank accounts. He can easily subpoena detailed accounts and question expenses and withdrawals. Granted you can do the same, and probably show a pattern of him spending for himself. But all he has to do is convince the judge that you are hiding assets from the court… All you can do is show a pattern of him spending stupidly. The later is stupidity, the former contempt of court.

I want to make one suggestion (and this is where I reach that border):
I have noticed that people often latch on to a concept that might be less bad than what they are afraid of. The classic on this site is when a BS says they won’t recover from the affair but will only remain married until the kids leave home. Basically they have an excuse for neither reconciling nor divorcing.
I think your saving money might be such an excuse…

I think we do this because of fear. The main cause of fear is uncertainty. The best way to deal with fear is through knowledge. Might not make things easier and definitely won’t remove all the fears or uncertainty, but at least it leaves you with real fears rather than imagined.
My suggestion is this: Read about divorce in your state. Talk to those that have divorced. Consult an attorney. Take your fears and make them reality. Some will disappear, some won’t, but instead of being imagined fears (he will get all my pension becomes he might get the total of my pension and his pension divided by two). Be aware and be realistic about what you are dealing with.
If it turns out you don’t want to D… well then try to find out how to deal about the financial infidelity.

^^^^^^^ What Bigger said. ^^^^^^^^^^^

If you are done, just end it now. What exactly does he bring to the marriage? Do you really see this lasting long term? Personally I'd recommend you to cut your loses now. Every day you delay just increases his part of the family equity that only you have been funding. eg in most states he gains 50% of the principal portion every time you pay the mortgage. It sucks that he'll get that 50%, but you would rather it be the 50% of today not 50% of what you'll have down the road.

Playing games and trying to hide money is fraud. Judges, who in the end have to approve any settlement, tend to take a dim view of this if you are caught. You can be charged for it.