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Wayward Side :
The be kind to yourself thread

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 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 3:56 PM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022

I am stuck. And I know I am not the only one. Lets share one positive thing about ourselves here. Its my goal this lent to post here every day.

We cant accept from or give love to others, especially our spouses, until we can love ourselves.

Ok. This is awkward, but here goes.

I am resilient and determined. Every time I put myself in the black hole, I evetually determine to pull myself out of it and dont give up.

There. Your turn now.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8719755
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soapt ( member #79960) posted at 5:36 PM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022

Great idea!

Very interesting that you called yourself resilient because before I could finish reading your post, the first thing I thought to myself was "I'm pretty resilient." And it's true, we are! That's all I got for now.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8719768
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 7:09 PM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022

This is a great idea, and yet, it's a tough thing to do. There is so much about myself that I "used to" appreciate. A lot of that has changed since the infidelity, and some of it simply from other emotional health issues related to trauma.

I used to be funny as hell. Now, my sense of humor is muted at best, non-existent at times. I used to be able to say that I felt like a good person, that I was faithful, I was honest, I was supportive, and was empathetic. I can't say those things now. I mean, I try to be those very things every day, and think I do as well as I can at it, but still, I don't think I can make blanket statements anymore.

If I have to choose something, I'd go with "I'm not a quitter when it's most important to not be". Sure, I'm one of those people who tends to get overly excited about stuff and start something great only to never finish it later. That's fair. I do that sometimes. I've got a new faucet sitting in the bathroom that I intended to install weeks ago for example.

But when it comes to "the work" and doing all I can to be an emotionally stable and healthy person, I have put my all into that goal, and it is one of the very few things I feel proud of. I've made a lot of mistakes and had lots of failures, but it's never stopped me, and even I have to respect that in myself.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1269   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8719781
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 7:22 PM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022

I'm starting a new job on Monday. It's the first full time position I've held since leaving the workforce to raise my kids. I feel like a dinosaur, but it's too good an opportunity to let go by, especially with college tuitions stacking up. My negative self-talk can shove it. I got this!

WW/BW

posts: 2645   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8719785
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 8:58 PM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022

No stop sign so I think it's ok for me to post in here....

Great thread idea!


I'm enough. I know this because I am loved. Very blessed with family and friends who show me all of the time that I am important to them, that I have their loyalty and love simply because of who I am. I'm enough.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8719808
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 4:26 AM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Love it.

And congrats BSR- I hope you love it. They sure got an asset in you!

I have found out I am simple. I like that. I like that I appreciate small things, that a cool hike or a special exchange with my husband or kids can make my whole week. I need very little to be happy. My heart is happy because I choose it, every day.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:28 AM, Thursday, March 3rd]

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 6019   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8719874
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 2:07 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

I appreciate the investment I make in myself. For instance, I've been struggling with some things lately.. I haven't been to IC for some time now, and recognize the need to make an appointment. I don't like living in my head any more.

posts: 2580   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8719904
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 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 3:05 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Thanks everyone for participating! BS and WS both.

Mine for today: after another breakdown yesterday, I'm at a supplier having competent technical discussions and representing my company well. I'm able to pick myself up and move on from the breakdown and start again.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8719912
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:28 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Well, this was yesterday, but I will still share.

I had an appointment that I had been putting off for months. I've rescheduled it a handful of times. But, yesterday, I went. I did it. My heart rate was high,and my blood pressure was up (thanks anxiety). But I went.

I cried tears of relief on the way home.

I'm so proud of myself. And that's something I NEVER say.

I did it!!

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8719949
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Copec ( new member #79885) posted at 6:52 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Ahhh! I love this thread. The exact thing that I’ve been struggling with and our MC has been correcting me on. It’s so easy to self deprecate.

I am working on loving myself. It is hard to praise myself when I have done such a horrible thing.

Here it goes:

I am empathetic. I have the ability to feel for others and read emotions and vibes very well. I take care of people very well. I do not take care of myself and respect myself and that is the issue.

What I did was not empathetic behavior, but that doesn’t mean that I am not empathetic. I am lost and broken, but empathy is still part of me and my empathy is what gives me a chance at reconciliation.

DaddyDom, you seem to be all of those good things you listed but have a hard time saying about yourself. I have the same struggle of feeling that I am not those things. Which is not true. Our actions did not convey those traits, but that doesn’t mean they are not there and part of us and can be brought to light and obvious for everyone to see and feel. I don’t know if that makes any sense :)

I hope everyone has a lovely day and continues to fill themselves up with the good thoughts!

WS/mad hatter-8 months post DDay.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2022
id 8719954
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soapt ( member #79960) posted at 9:50 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Today I am proud of myself for being brave.

I don't believe this is my life.

I can face my fears.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8720987
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 8:48 AM on Friday, March 4th, 2022

Hellfire-wonderful! I am

Glad it all turned out well!

BSR- hoping for a follow up

Today, well rather yesterday as it’s the middle of the night, my husband’s mom died. She went peacefully in her sleep.

He and I are together all the time these days but I had stepped out to run errands before lunch. I felt this overwhelming desire to draw him near and I texted him that I loved him so Much and couldn’t wait to get back home. Did he want me to bring him lunch?

It was kind of weird, because we are together 24/7 we rarely text much past logistics. Not weird what I said but weird that I was simply out getting some things done and had that need to do that.

Five minutes later he got the call. He called me but didn’t say much, he wanted to know where I was and when I would get back. At this point I had pulled into our daughters house (we are visiting but he and I are at an Airbnb) and I said I am here with (daughters name) I was going to do x,y,z and then come back did you decide on lunch? He mumbled he would call me back and just hung up.

Then he texts I need you to come back now. So I made up an excuse and left immediately. I had no idea what was up but it wasn’t good.I tried to call him on my way but he was crying and just said he would talk to me when I got there.

We held each other and cried,we drove and drove (his mother lived in a different state) and had deep talks.

I like that today I was fully present. That he can seek me for comfort after everything. That my intuition allowed me to do something small that set the tone that I would be there for him. (I think his mom nudged me). I appreciate I fought for our marriage and am around to grieve beside him a woman I loved dearly.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:08 AM, Friday, March 4th]

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 6019   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8721048
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 11:38 AM on Friday, March 4th, 2022

HO, that's a sad but beautiful story. I'm sorry for your and your H's loss. sad

The job doesn't start until Monday, so I'm knocking out procrastinated tasks at home. I can't finish them all, and some of them are stressful (which, of course, is why I put them off in the first place). But I'm trying to clear the decks as much as possible, because I know those first few weeks will be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

WW/BW

posts: 2645   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8721084
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 11:39 AM on Friday, March 4th, 2022

I'm sorry for your loss Hiking and TTP.

I could absolutely feel the love radiating from your post.

posts: 2580   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8721085
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:35 PM on Friday, March 4th, 2022

I like this. And what a great and positive way to celebrate Lent.

I've been off work for a while due to a minor procedure [routine and nothing major].

BUT today I put on lacy underthings under my PJs. I took a long shower with my scented shower gel and lotion. I deep conditioned my hair. I did my full skincare routine. I made a decadent cup of coffee and took time to slowly savor each sip.

I know - this is "normal" Chaos stuff. But some days it isn't so easy. And the 1 year Antiversary of the Cease and Desist is upon me and I've been having a rough time of it. BUT today I did it anyway.

I also plan to pick up a crochet project I haven't in a while and work on it.

I'm a BASGU and own it.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3452   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8721233
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 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 4:46 PM on Friday, March 4th, 2022

I love all these responses!

HO, I'm sorry for the loss of your MIL. She sounds like she will leave a great legacy in your family and be very dearly missed.

BSR, good luck on starting your new job! You're going to nail it. It takes a bit to get back in the swing of things, so be patient. Maybe you can do what some of Chaos is doing and indulge a bit? :)

Chaos, I'm glad you're treating yourself kindly. All kinds of nightmare memories have to be stirred up in you for that. I'm sorry you drew the short straw and got a bunny boiler AP to clean up after. Talk about a double shit sandwich. Baths are awesome for just chilling out and relaxing.

For myself, I'm glad I was able to take some time and sit in church by myself this morning after dropping the kids off. I haven't taken time for myself like that in a long while. I liked how I'm able to relate so well with my daughter- she's started coming in the morning to my bathroom to brush her hair and chat while I'm getting ready. We also had a breakfast together before I took her to the doctor this morning. It's so good to see the positive, funny and cheerful young woman she is growing up to be. I know she had the raw material already given, no doing on my own, but it's satisfying to be part of her journey and have the privilege of helping to shape her into the delightful person she is.

So that's it for me for now.

Thanks everyone, this is so healing and positive for me, it's so helpful to see the positivity and remember what's good right now.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8721256
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 5:31 PM on Friday, March 4th, 2022

I've been having some family struggles this last week but it led me to some pretty deep revelations about my foo issues and opened my eyes to some pretty fucked up coping mechanisms I have had my whole life. That sounds bad, but stick with me. These revelations have made me look at myself and my behaviors in a way different (and kinder) light and made me realize that it's pretty amazing that despite everything I have dealt with, I am still a person that is capable of empathy and optimism. I am still capable of looking at tough times as opportunities for growth and learning and I am almost always able to find the humor and the silver linings in everything life throws my way. In short, I'm pretty fuckin awesome laugh

I also got some work news that was really affirming and found out I will be getting a huge bonus and a large raise that I wasn't expecting so that was amazing and so humbling in the best way.

I dunno, I feel like I turned a mental corner that I've been trying to turn for years and that my feet are pointing down a whole new and wholly healthier path than they have ever been on before. It's both exhilarating and scary, but in a good way.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8721266
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DrJekyll ( member #43618) posted at 4:16 AM on Saturday, March 5th, 2022

I am worth loving

A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S.Lewis

posts: 1266   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 8721337
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 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 2:12 AM on Monday, March 7th, 2022

So, I'm about a day or so late on posting. Been a doozy of a weekend laugh

Took DD to have her hair cut Saturday. Lady took one look at her hair and said, "UM... you might want to get a look at this!" Turns out she had a bad case of lice. shocked Got recommended to a lice removal place and sent on our way.

Called my SIL since her daughter was over at our house and used DD's hairbrush about a month back. Shortly thereafter we found out all 3 of my nieces had lice! Sooooo... this has likely been brewing a while. Anyhow, SIL felt bad, dropped off the remainders of her at home kit and wished us luck. We needed it! laugh

DD just recently started coming into my bathroom while I'm getting ready and chatting, while using my hairbrush. I love this since it's like we get a little girl time in the morning. Well, she's been using my brush... I've been using my brush... ick.

Called the lice removal company and they had an opening that day at 6:30pm. Told them I'd take it. DD got all the lice removed, my hair got checked (and they found a few shocked ). DD had hers all removed, and the lady there told me mine was minor enough a home kit would do the trick.

During the day Saturday, and today, my laundry machine has been going non-stop. Bought new hairbrushes, vacuumed EVERYTHING, sprayed beds and furniture. Froze all the stuffed animals (thanks to the chest freezer!) and washed all the cushion covers on my couches.

All that to say, I haven't posted here much this weekend as I've been busy blink

2 good things:
1- I managed to not lose my shit (well, I snapped a few times, usually when being asked to do something while I had a bunch of laundry in hand).
2- I GOT SO MUCH DONE!! On top of all the cleaning (kids pitched in too), I got bread baked, chicken cooked and kitchen cleaned:).

So, I'm productive and able to keep my head in unanticipated circumstances.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8721505
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 11:11 AM on Monday, March 7th, 2022

Hang in there, MIgander!

Our school went through several rounds of lice over a period of years, so I'm an old hand at it. Above all, you need a metal lice comb. I actually stopped bothering with all the boiling, freezing, vacuuming, etc, because fortunately, lice aren't bedbugs or fleas. They can't survive long off of a human head and don't leave it voluntarily unless another head is in close proximity. Many of them are immune to the shampoos. So just get the comb and do the full north/south/east/west wet comb one or twice a day, wiping the comb on a paper towel after every stroke, and you'll get all the lice and nits. I like the spray that they say dissolves the nit binding, but I've used light conditioner, and that works, too.

Lice infestation is squicky and embarrassing, and unfortunately that compounds the problem, because the stigma means parents don't alert each other about it, and that helps it to spread. (Ironically, lice prefer a clean head.) It's honestly not a big deal, though if you have a thick head of hair, it's quite time consuming to do a proper comb.

WW/BW

posts: 2645   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8721528
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