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Last Friday was my 3rd (4th?) DDay, and D is, at this point, the only realistic option.

My question is this though - should I wait until the emotions and such settle down a bit before jumping into divorce proceedings?

I mean, I know it's the only real answer here, but I'm wondering if I should hold off until my emotions are more in check and I can think/process things a bit better. We aren't having problems living together other than the obvious emotions showing, so there's no real need to rush other than to get it over with.

[This message edited by wantnomore at 9:11 PM, Thursday, February 17th]

I think you have answered your own question in a way. It really depends on what you want. Is being in her presence causing immense pain? Do you have children or financial aspects to consider in your timing? Do you see any advantage long term in acting quickly? Look you have been hurt enough in this relationship. Normally the D process takes time, so even if you have her served promptly, the D process will be months or longer in many places. If you want to wait until your emotions calm, so be it.

Yeah, that makes sense. It's still too new to be sure of how we would fare staying together for a bit, but it won't hurt to hold off until I'm feeling calmer.

Last Friday was my 3rd (4th?) DDay, and D is, at this point, the only realistic option.

D is a business decision. As long as you and your lawyer can keep your emotions in check there is no point in delaying the inevitable. If anything every day you spend together is subsidizing each others lives. IMO, get it done sooner rather than later to allow you to start your recovery (mental, emotional, and financial) sooner.

D is a business decision. As long as you and your lawyer can keep your emotions in check there is no point in delaying the inevitable. If anything every day you spend together is subsidizing each others lives. IMO, get it done sooner rather than later to allow you to start your recovery (mental, emotional, and financial) sooner.

Not worried about the lawyer, but in all honesty that's not my strongest ability.
That said, I hear you about the recovery, that's what I'm looking at.

I believe it really depends on the person. If you are able to keep your focus on putting one foot in front of the other until you're out of infidelity, waiting is a personal choice. But this is your 3rd/4th DDay. Did you procrastinate before? Did you tell yourself that you needed to do X, Y, and Z before pulling the plug after DDays #2 & #3? If so, you're falling back into what is comfortable and giving yourself excuses to stay in an untenable situation hoping things will just improve so that you don't have to do anything difficult or change too much.

Really examine why you need to be calm in order to move forward. Remember - anger is often derived from a deep feeling of something needing to change. If it goes away, will you still want to make that change or will you accept complacency again? Does some part of you hope that your WW will drop OM and pay some lip service to you again? If so, waiting may not be such a great idea.

If this was your first I would say wait. But it’s your 4th. Things are not going to change. Do you want to stay? If so then wait. I can’t even keep track of the d-days I have had. I knew after d-day 4 that I was done, this took a span of 17 years. We are in the process of finalizing our separation agreement now and the d-days keep coming with multiple women.
Why stay with a serial cheater? They are not going to change.

Not worried about the lawyer, but in all honesty that's not my strongest ability.

I didn't include the lawyer because he was going to get emotional, but that working as a team he can keep your emotions out of it. If you can work with your attorney to keep your emotions out of the proceeding, file now. Get it done. Get yourself free of her.

That said, I hear you about the recovery, that's what I'm looking at.

I think once you start down the road to D, your emotions will settle and you can truly go NC and heal. That's the end game and the sooner you get there the better. I've said this before, I signed over money to the ex she didn't deserve. I have no regrets as it got myself free of her faster. It was worth it.

[This message edited by grubs at 11:16 PM, Thursday, February 17th]

Whats the benefit in delaying?
Whats the drawback in filing now?

Honestly I don't know how you can stand going through it 4 times. 1 was enough for me and if it ever happened again I guarantee you my first call would be to the attorney.

This is the FOURTH time she has deliberately put you through this. She knew what it would do to you and she knew the potential consequences and she did it anyway. She is probably banking on you caving so I would highly suggest you move forward swiftly.

There is nothing that says you can't stop the process or have her in your life later if you wanted. But her actions while you move forward with d will tell you A LOT about your potential future with her. And you can learn this without having d day number 5.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 2:33 AM, Friday, February 18th]

I don't see any kind of future with her, truth be told.
I actually am going lawyer shopping next week, I've got two appointments set up already. There's some things with the kids to consider as well.

D was never a serious consideration by me in the past, I wasn't ready (yeah, I know how pathetic that sounds).
Instead we swept it under the rug and forgot about it until next time. Too much has happened this time around,
I'm not going to sign on for another round of this.

Wantnomore, you're not pathetic. It just takes some time for our heart to catch up with our brains. It took me 18 months after the A to realize that XH wasn't going to do the work. He confessed his next incident, and I knew it was time to go.

Although it is tough in the beginning, it does get better. You'll get to a point where you realize how much work you were doing to keep the M going. Take time to heal - get stronger.

There's a thread in the forum about staying NC with your STBXW, so please feel free to post there when you really want to text or call your WS.

ETA: When you need a chuckle, be sure to check out Stupid Picture Friday (SPF) in the Fun & Games forum.

[This message edited by leafields at 3:23 PM, Friday, February 18th]

D was never a serious consideration by me in the past, I wasn't ready (yeah, I know how pathetic that sounds).

Give yourself grace. This path wasn't what you would have chosen. You now have a certainty that your stbx wasn't able to walk with you on your chosen path. I stuck around fighting for six months. Being the better spouse. Those six months reassured me that my flaws had no part in her destruction of our marriage. Use that certainty to keep your eye on the prize of getting out of infidelity swiftly and with finality.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:29 PM, Friday, February 18th]

I am so sorry that you had to go through this so many times.. The pain is so rough and to have to endure this four times makes my heart hurt for you. I cannot really answer this question for you, but it is best not to go into anything hot headed or irrational. I hope that whatever you choose life gets easier and happier for you. God Bless.

I’m 52 and in Texas FWIW.

I would recommend filing as soon as possible. I filed for divorce in early August of last year and I’m shocked at how long this process takes. It’s surprisingly expensive too. I hope to reach some sort of agreement soon but my STBXWW keeps dragging things out. She delays the process at every opportunity.

Covid has delayed some aspects of the process too.

You should have left a long time ago, but now you don't have to make a hasty decision.

Talk to your wife, ask if she wants to leave! give your opinion. just listen to what she has to offer.Staying with her for a few more months is necessary for you to prepare for post-marriage and how you will feel when you are alone.

your wife doesn't love you, more precisely, you don't have the part she is looking for outside!, marriage provides your wife with image and comfort in relations.

Your wife wants love,You have suffered from ea/pa for years. You are experiencing problems of insecurity, anger, triggering etc., you cannot reach the intensity (desire, excitement, sex, performance) that your wife wants emotionally and physically.

(comment)

In fact, I think that before and after dday 1 you are constantly cheating, but you trust your wife .your long business trips in the past may have caused her to search for ea/pa! Tired of loneliness, she sought attention. Then it turned into a habit.Your wife will continue to seek attention outside.

you got older and due to the pandemic your trips decreased, your time at home increased and you started tracking your wife's movements and you caught your wife more (it was impossible to catch her on her adventure in the church parking lot.)

Your wife must be pissed off now that she's been comfortable living their relationship for years. Because you tell the ea/pa's to families and your wife's image is damaged.

The comfort in the marriage is gone and she may no longer want to stay.

(I wonder about the reaction of the female co-worker to your wife. Will there be any layoffs?)

Seaandsun, why are you putting this on him? His wife is a serial cheater. I don't recall seeing anywhere that wantnomore was "constantly cheating". What are you talking about?

Wantnomore, there's no reason to wait. I don't see the point. You'll heal faster if you get out of this marriage quickly.

I think (hope) he meant constantly cheated on. But no, I never did any business travel. I'm a teacher, not much travel called for in that job. With the kids at home, there wasn't much opportunity for her to get out and cheat.

That said, I would be shocked to find out about other affairs I had no idea of.

I do appreciate everyone's words of wisdom. I will move at my pace, as I feel ready. But I will not drag it out for too long.

My healing really sped up after the D was done. Its a major headache and monkey off your back.

The thing about a contested Divorce with children and financials involved, meaning CS and Alimony, there is uncertainty. You and your attorney can run the numbers through the software system and have a rough idea, but you can't predict what the WW is going to do, her attorney, or even the Judge. Those are variables that you cannot control, and the uncertainty of it all keeps you from living in true PEACE.

Since you are set on D, I say don't wait. Get it done man. Unless you have a specific reason for it, like kids turning 18 or leaving the house in a few months, or some other reason. Get it done, get the decree signed and start on the road to your new life. Having shit like a D hang over your head can really steal time and peace, and lets be honest, after having dealt with this shit, all we want is to move on and live in peace. Your emotions will heal with time and the D behind you.

In my experience, swift and decisive action by the BH leads to the best outcome in nearly all situations.

Rip off the bandaid.