SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have posted that my son was arrested in November for stealing a car. He is currently in our county jail.

He is also awaiting federal bank robbery charges...grand jury supposedly meeting within the next 2-4 weeks.

I need help. So much help.

Right now, his lawyer regarding the car theft, keeps bumping the court date out while they wait on the grand jury. He tells me that is so that while in federal prison, he would be able (probably) to serve the sentences concurrently. But if the car theft comes first, they would probably have to be served consecutively.

I asked his lawyer...a person I trust, if I should get a private attorney, or just have the court appointed attorney. He is not a federal attorney, but he said that on the federal level, things are implemented so tightly, that on a pretty cut and dry case, the court appointed attorney would probably do the same job as a private attorney. He also mentioned that federal attorneys are SOOOO expensive. I know my son will be going to prison, but if putting some money in a private lawyer could take considerable time off his sentences, it would be worth it. But would it make a difference? How can I know? Who do I ask?

Should I be making a decision about court appointed vs private lawyer NOW, or wait till the grand jury meets/decides? Or is this something my son has to do himself?

He says if they offer him a deal, he would rather accept that for less time than risk a longer sentence. Is that smart?

Also, who determines the length of the sentence? DA? Judge?

And are there any extenuating circumstances that the court / DA will consider when determining sentencing?

My son is biracial, which worries me enough with regard to sentencing.

His issues have included adoption, being born addicted to crack, a concussion at age 5 that permanently changed his affect, drug addiction, and documented behavioral/psychological issues (seeing a neuropsychologist every 2 years from age 4 - 16).

Do DAs give a shit about any of that, as in...would it be a consideration regarding sentencing?

My son told me recently that he has talked to people (fellow inmates) and thinks that for a non violent first federal offense, with a total of $200 money taken, that he expects a 3-5 year sentence.

I called a police officer friend to see if he could go visit my son before they came to get him after grand jury, and he said he thought the sentence would be much longer.

So, I am freaking out. I have been pretty sick for a couple of weeks. Im not sure if it’s some strain of COVID,or just a upper respiratory infection. My H has nothing to say/share about the whole situation with my son.....I mean NOT A WORD.

Yesterday, after my friend told me to prepare myself for a longer sentence, and feeling so horrible already, I have just been crying non stop.

If he gets 10 years or something, I know that my H won’t live that long. And I know how that will simply kill my son if he loses one of us while he is inside. I’m trying to think of all the reasons why I need to live, But they are all for someone else...take care of my H, etc.

Don’t get me wrong...I am NOT suicidal. I have strong feelings regarding taking my own life and that is simply not an option for me. But I sure do wish sometimes that I could just not wake up one morning.

Anyway...can someone unofficially help me understand how all this works, and what I need to be doing?

Please.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 6:01 PM, Tuesday, February 15th]

If I'm not mistaken, this is not his first brush with the law and at least one of these offenses for which he is awaiting trial was committed while he was on parole (and if I am wrong, I am truly sorry--names and circumstances tend to run together here).

You trust his attorney, and the attorney seems to be not only looking out for your son's interests, but yours as well. I would heed his advice. Given the priors and a parole violation, I'm not sure a private attorney would make that much of a difference.

Your son would be wise to accept a plea deal if offered. His attorney seems competent to advise both of you on what is and what is not a reasonable plea compromise. It's generally the DA that offers the plea deal, but the judge has to agree, as does the defendant.

Since he (I think) does have priors, I don't think his childhood is going to weigh heavily. And I cannot help but wonder if he and others excused himself for a very long time based on his compromised circumstances as a child and a youth. If that is the case, now is the time to help him understand that he and he alone controls his future. These are his choices. When he chose the action, he also chose the potential circumstances.

If this were my situation, I would work within myself to accept it, as well as work with my child to help him see that there are opportunities for continuing education and such while in prison and he would do well to avail himself of them. He may have been born with many disadvantages, but he doesn't have to stay disadvantaged. Perhaps part of the plea bargain could be time served where he could avail himself of training. Does he have talent? Is he good with his hands, perhaps? Things like this could help him prepare for a better life after time served. However, he's got to hold up his end of the bargain, and he needs to understand that. I would work with all resources I could to ensure he is prepared to serve his time and to make his time served count.

This is one of those cases where it makes sense for you to put on your oxygen mask first. While you can help and advise, the doing is all on his end.

Cat

I am utterly useless in this situation on many levels: Canadian and completely unfamiliar with anything legal. I don't have advice but wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to your family and I wish I could drop you off a batch of casseroles or just do something to support you.

I am thinking of you and your family, hang in there.

(Nearly signed my real name! )

Thank y’all for the kind words. You are very kind.

Yes, you are remembering him correctly.

Actually, he was never "excused" from bad behavior. In elementary school, I would have meetings with his teachers, and while we would set up the plans his neuropsychologist recommended, I never asked a teacher to excuse bad behavior. Just asked for a plan to help him have a better chance for success. I even removed him from athletic teams or social functions as a result of behaviors.

And I don’t believe he has ever shared with anyone in the court system about any of his difficulties to this point.

When I talk with him, he says that he is ok and that this is his fault, and that he accepts his punishment. Naturally, he hopes that it will be as short a period of time as possible.I don’t think he should not suffer consequences for his actions. But if the truth about some of his challenges would make it shorter, I want to try.

I just don’t know when, or how to do it...or with whom..

Whatsright, I am sorry.

I agree with Cat. You seem to trust his attorney so don't spend extra funds to hire another attorney for the federal level. Court appointed attorneys, in my opinion, work very hard for their clients for the most part. Save your funds to help your grandson have as much of a good life as possible while his dad is away. I really don't feel, for a federal charge (of $200 as the violation) would merit a long prison sentence. If the car thief charges and bank charges can blend together, if would be better for him. Like Cat, I don't know the severity of his former convictions and that may have a bearing on the sentencing amount. In my opinion his attorney is doing the right thing by bumping the state case to delay as that creates a very good chance of combining the sentencing.

Take care of YOU, please. He is young and strong and will get through this. Please talk to him about taking advantage of all things offered to him while incarcerated such as educational opportunities, counselling, etc. Also seek out the wonderful groups that offer help to children of incarcerated parents. I know this is very difficult for you but by moving forward and thinking positive about how this has the chance to really change him, that will help.

Talk to the attorney. I would focus on getting him the best possible situation in prison as possible. If there is a place that works to give these people career skills, I would focus on that. Getting him into a situation where he could make the most of time served probably is better for him than concentrating on his past. Check with the attorney, but I cannot help but think providing a plan for a way forward where he can become a law-abiding and contributing member of society would be better than concentrating on his past.

Does he have or wish to acquire any life and job skills? I know there are several industries out there with serious shortages of skilled machine operators. What does he see himself doing with his life?

I would be prepared to have him work to avail himself of all possible help while incarcerated--everything from training to religion. It sounds like he needs structure and a path.

Cat

We were posting at the same time.

Prepare a written document for his attorney to submit, outlining ALL the birth and childhood difficulties he had. If you have any documents from schools or doctors, include that in your document to his attorney. His attorney will be obligated to share your document with prosecution and the judge so all would see it.

I think I probably am thinking of myself.

I certainly do pray that he uses his time and opportunities to make changes. That is my strongest wish. Has been for YEARS.

But I think I am thinking of myself...becoming so despondent...because I won’t live to see the changes. I’ll be 69 in a few months. Caring for my H is sucking the life right out of me.

If my son is in jail for years and years, I fear I will never have the joy to see any changes if they do occur.

My mother, near the end of her life, asked me if he was getting his act together. I said "No".

Then she asked if I thought he would get his act together during her lifetime. I was honest and said, "No".

Then she asked if I thought he would EVER be the man he could be. I answered truthfully again, and said "Yes".

I think the pain that is putting me over the edge with all of this is that I don’t know if that is true any more. And even if he does, I’m beginning to face up to the fact that it probably won’t be in my lifetime...if at all.

I don’t know how to live with that.

That’s what I was thinking...to offer whatever documentation I have, and if it helps...then good.

But the other side of that is...what if it is interpreted as more evidence that he is a repeat offender, or that he hasn’t changed in all these years... and it ends up working against him?

I think this is going to be the end of me. I just can’t stop sobbing. 😢😢😢

Maybe it's time to put your own mask on first. I think you need some serious self-care right now.

Cat

Whatsright, Don't mention past offenses in your document. Just write about his difficult birth, the adoption, the concussion - and the mental and health issues. Write about your husband's condition and your need to have your grown children help with his care and being your age, you have your own health issues. .

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 6:31 PM, Wednesday, February 16th]

(((WR)))

My mom didn't think she would live to see 70. For her parents and their generation, that was an aspirational age; most of them didn't make it. Her dad died in his 50s.

She's now north of 80 and just hitting cruising speed. Due to some of the newer drugs she's taking, she's actually much healthier at 82 than she was at 72.

Don't count yourself out. I believe you'll see your son on this side of the wall again.

How are you doing, WR? Any updates?

I agree with Cat... focus on what you CAN do for your son and for yourself. No one truly knows what the future holds. He will be in jail for X time. Help your son get the best experience possible to make the most of his time. So that he can come out as the man you've raised him to be. Whether you are here or not to see it... isn't that the end goal?? Of course, we hope you can witness with your own eyes, and I think you'll see it as he grows and re-frames his mindset in jail.

I wouldn't put much weight on the birth and childhood issues at this point. It almost looks as though that's an excuse to why he has made poor choices. But I don't think sending the medical information would hurt. Talk with his lawyer to see what he thinks about it all.

What about your other 2 sons? How are they holding up?

♥ little turtle

Whatsright, never underestimate the power of a MOM - to persuade a judge (or even a prosecutor) when dealing with situations like your son has. A heart-felt letter, outlining childhood and teen issues becomes part of the person's case. It's not an 'excuse' but rather it gives insight to his circumstances.

DAs are all individuals so they will all be different. I would ask his attorney that you trust about that particular DA. While they all work within the law, they can be a little more laid back or a little more strict.

The sentence comes from the Judge. DA gives recommendations based on guidelines.

Background is important. Having family who cares is important. Having something to get on the right path for is important.

Private vs court appointed lawyers aren’t always better. I know some private attorneys who also take court appointments. Ask the attorney you have now who he would use, and would it make a difference in the sentence

If you look at the attorney’s record (the court appointed one) and they have a lot of "wins" ie, news articles etc about getting someone off or less time in prison, that can be an indication that they are a good attorney, or at least can get you results that you want to see.

You can absolutely ask around and find out how respected an attorney is. You can see if they have Bar complaints I think??? They will come up in google with reviews, etc.

Thanks for all your kind and supportive words.

The grand jury should have met already by this time on my sons case. but we have heard nothing. His lawyer for a local matter tells us he will let us know if the grand jury decides to indict. If so, he will be moved to a place in a nearby city where he will be held pending plea/trial. Then he will be moved to a temporary facility while awaiting being sent to the facility where he will spend his time.

With every new sadness/challenge in our lives, my H checks out more and more. Because we have been quarantined due to his and my sons Covid, he has been in the bed mostly so that I don’t take any more risk of infecting him, or becoming infected...and I fear he has lost all of what he recently gained in physical therapy.

I feel like I am having to deal with all of these challenges/sadnesses on my own.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 10:57 PM, Wednesday, March 9th]

(((WR))) you do have so much on your plate. Are there any resources you can use to help lighten the load? I wish I could help.

Thanks BearlyBreathing...

...and you DO help. You all do.

Without this place I would come close to feeling totally alone.

Thinking of you.