SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No stop sign as I am a big girl and want to hear all perspectives.

I have been married for nearly 20 years, I am 45 and have 3 daughters with my husband.

In 2019 I caught my husband via his phone up to all sorts. Not cheating physically as far as I could see, but porn, looking up girls he had seen when out, looking up a friend of mine, looking at escorts pages, the list goes on. He lied, denied, said it was wank material etc. It broke me. For a year. A whole year of agony, shock, utter hell. Felt like I didnt even know this man!! It was torture. I wanted to leave but absolutely couldn't. Way way too many complications, house, business, disability in the family, not to mention my poor kids who would be heartbroken. So, I stayed. I decided to stay but on my terms. All respect and all trust was gone though and I truly hated hubby. I never got to the truth of it. Staying brought it's own challenges. Resentment mainly. I did everything for him and his betrayal ruined everything.

And so it began. I joined a well known married dating site. For the past 2 years, I have been cheating on hubby. 5 guys.
Guy 1. Just a ONS.
Guy 2. Met twice, then I called it off as no passion from my end
Guy 3. SHIT. This is where the trouble started. I fell for him. He was married too, 10 years. 2 kids and his wife was pregnant with their third when we met online. He didnt tell me, I found out when listening to his bloody podcast. Confronted him and he wore me down and we continued. Pure limerance. We would text, skype, and meet when we could. I still pine for him to this day despite ending it with him because he was (surprise!) Rarely available. If he messaged me now though, I'd respond, despite knowing how awful he is. Very spiteful about his wife and would text me mocking her "snoring beside him" when in bed when 7 months pregnant. Out of them all he was the nastiest and yet, I cant get him out of my system.
Guy 4. He ghosted me after sex and it took a lot of strength to deal with that without telling a soul.
Guy 5. Present day. We've met 5 times, sex lots of times. He is very into me. Me, not so much into him and I can already feel the pull of trying to find someone new. It's too easy for women, the men literally queue up. I've spoken to 100s - same shit every time. Destroyed my belief in marriage altogether.

However. For the first time, I am starting to feel guilt. Never did before, kind of felt like hubby deserved it. Now though he tries so hard with me, is so loving and affectionate and I am starting to forget the pain he caused me and instead, feel guilty for what I'm doing when in reality, my affairs saved me.saved him from the alternative which was me leaving. Saved my marriage and my sanity.

How do I stop? I cant seem to put the brakes on and I know this will end in tears if I carry on. I will get caught eventually.

Cancelled my date with guy 5 which was for tonight. But how can I stop this for good? I'd be bored and I fear the resentment for hubby will kick back in without these distractions.

I cant divorce and I dont really want to. I still love hubby but he opened a pandoras box that I just cant seem to close now.

What should I do. I see no clear way forward.

First off, coming here is a good first step.

I was a smoker for many many years. Like most addicted to that disgusting habit, I wanted to quit but never could. I would start off strong but that would only last a short while and then I was right back to it.

Like affairs, all addictive behavior is difficult to stop. We make all sorts of excuses and reasons why we can't do it. Stressors, a death on the family, it makes me happy etc. At the end of the day, they're all justifications to continue the bad behavior.

After a particular bad coughing fit, I threw the cigarettes away and haven't had another in over 15 years. How? By making up my mind that I was going to do it and I stuck to it. The same holds true with my A.I told myself all of the same lies we wayward tell ourselves in order to justify it in my own head. In essence, that's what you're doing.

Much of what I read sounds like justifications for having a continuing your A. You say you can't divorce? Of course you can if you really wanted to.But it would be hard, it would break up your family and cause major disruption in your life and cast you in a bad light.

You don't really want to stop because you'd be bored? Really? You love your husband? Really?

Stopping shitty behavior is hard. We wayward's are a lazy bunch. Instead of dealing with our problems, we chose the easy way and avoided them. Yes what your husband did was wrong and he doesn't get a pass for that. But neither do you. You cannot justify your behavior because of his bad choices. You have to ask yourself, why were you so willing to throw away your integrity and your family because of what your husband did?

If you really want to stop, then do it. There is no middle road here. Either you commit yourself to change or you don't but it has to come from within. As the saying goes, There is no try, only do. Get into IC. Find better ways to "fill your cup" and learn to take complete ownership of your choices.

Good luck to you.

in reality, my affairs saved me.saved him from the alternative which was me leaving. Saved my marriage and my sanity.

Your affairs have saved non of those things. In fact, in reality they are destroying them all.

In reality, your marriage is in shambles. Your sanity is a facade. You need to stop your destructive behavior and take a deep honest look at who you are, who you have become.

You blame your husband, but you are the one responsible for your own actions. If you want to make changes, you have to look within yourself first.

The first step to healing is honesty. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your husband. Lay it all out on the table.

Right now you are putting both you and your husband at risk. He has been stripped of his agency.

Stop what you are doing and come clean. The lid on Pandora’s box will slam shut pretty fast when you shine some light on it.

Hi NTIW:

I'm sorry you're here. This is a club no one wants to join. This forum is one of the few that actually supports WS's who genuinely desire recovery and growth. It's good you're here. In terms of your situation, you're what we call a madhatter (MH). I'm one too- my husbands EA was with a close friend of mine. This means you have the added joy of dealing with your BH's betrayals in addition to your own. Some days you'll be the WW, other days the BW. FUN FUN FUN. There's a thread in I Can Relate for MH's.

He lied, denied, said it was wank material etc

WTF, why do men think this makes it ok? It's betrayal- having sex in your mind with other people. And looking at escort pages... I would wonder all the time- did he hire one for a business trip? Was that guys night out REALLY a guys night out? This by the way is a form of emotional affair (EA). Most people out there dismiss this as "really? Porn? EVERYONE does porn." Bullshit. Responsible and mature men whose wives have communicated their hurt with porn use stop using it for the sake of their wife. Porn is also like a gateway drug for many- once you depersonalize sex, it's much easier to justify casual sex outside marriage. I think this is the Pandora's box you alluded to- casual, depersonalized sex.

I'd be bored and I fear the resentment for hubby will kick back in without these distractions.

Your boredom is yours to own- I tell my kids when they come to me bored- "I'm sorry to hear that. Still, you can't go on screens and I am not responsible for your entertainment." Screens are their addiction like affairs are yours- a distraction from something deeper. Your resentment doesn't "go away." It's ALWAYS there, lurking in the background. It has colored everything you did in your A's and in your marriage.

Marriage is boring- same person, same shit, everyday. There's an art keeping it new. It's not a perpetual motion machine that can keep chugging without input. It takes energy and effort to work. The affairs were a way of avoiding that. I was cowardly by nature and avoided the conflict in our marriage. It was easier to use the problems in our marriage to justify my cheating than to actually put the effort into fixing myself and fixing the marriage. That's a big why for my cheating. WORK to find yours. The marriage problems contributed to your pain, hurt and stress. The WHY (deeper why) is asking yourself, "what within me allowed me to cheat?"

Moving forward, the basic advice for newly joined WS's is:
-NC- NO CONTACT. COLD TURKEY. STOP. SEND LETTER: "I have decided to work on my marriage. I cannot talk to you anymore. I am blocking you on phone, text, social media, etc." THEN DO IT. Block them.
-DISCLOSURE- be open and honest- who, what, where and when. Don't offer graphic details at first- just whether there was sex, sexting and meetups. The info will be overwhelming as it is and graphic detail of encounters would likely be too much for initial disclosure.
-CONTINUED DISCLOSURE- as BH processes the news, he will have many questions. ANSWER THEM.
-DON'T DEFEND, JUSTIFY or BLAMESHIFT. Own your shit. YOU chose this. YOU chose to cheat. HE did NOT make you cheat. There was no gun to your head when you were sleeping with OM.

But he opened a pandoras box that I just cant seem to close now

BLAMESHIFT.
-GET AN IC: this is going to be the hardest fight of your life- you need someone in your corner who can guide you through the changes you need to make, be a sounding board for your hurt and giving you strategies for coping with the stress.

This advice is the basic boilerplate for a reason- ever WS who has come here has had struggles with these things.

Also, reading, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair" is VERY helpful. Before you disclose, I would grab a copy and read it. It will help you know what to expect in the time ahead.

I'm glad you found this site. We're here to help, vent to and redirect. Also, if you are feeling in need of contacting OM 3, there's a thread here about keeping NC.

Hang in there, post often. I write novels and somehow people still stick with me through them.

Thank you. Novels are so welcome as I cant discuss this with anyone in real life.
OM5 messaged me today to rearrange the meet I cancelled. I haven't replied and I have cancelled my ashley Madison account, illicit encounters account, and kik and telegram which I use to chat to guys. Still, OM3 and 5 have my mobile number and I'm not sure I can block. It seems so final and I'm left back where I started. Lonely and unfulfilled despite on paper, being married to mr perfect who is smart, very successful, wealthy, handsome, hugely affectionate and family focused. Doesnt drink, smoke, watch footy, gamble, go out. It's just work and family for him. Most women would love this but I'm so bored of it. How childish of me. I think I womt learn until I lose it all

I also cant even imagine telling him!

He has NO idea. Thinks everything is absolutely great, always saying to me that I am the love of his life. Every day.

I want to stop cheating but my plan is to do that and not tell hubby anything. I cant see why he needs to know. He would divorce me. Instantly.

NTIWDT,

Please please please block your AP's. They are not healthy for you.

Think of it this way: if you found out your friend wss repeatedly lying to their doctors about pain so they could get their opiod fix, and perfectly comfortable with doing it, would that be a good person to be around? Would you want to be around someone who is capable of lying to important people in their life and saying nasty things about them behind their back? You AP's are doing just that. You deserve to have honest and kind people in your life. These men are neither.

If your AP's are lying to be with you, they are more than capable of lying to you. They are perfectly capable of being just as cruel to you as they are to their wives. You deserve better than to be allowing these toxic liars and cruel gossipers in your life.

If you don't believe this, why?

Also, you have had 5 AP's and many of them were married. These OM have BS's who will catch them. Its only a matter of statistics and time before they know of the past affairs and come knocking on your door. My BH called my AP's BW within the week he found out.

You are only in control of the discovery if you are the one to disclose. You only have one shot at keeping even a scrap of your husband's trust. TELL HIM YOURSELF. I didn't tell mine- he read texts and found out that way. I wish to God I could have been the one to tell him.

R can only happen if both parties are honest with each other. A M can only be real if both are real with each other.

Besides, if you do D, what is there really to save? The M has been a sham since his affair. This is your chance put out the fire that has burnt your house to ashes and dig a foundation for a new marriage you can both call home.

You can't build a new house on a crumbling foundation.

You know the devastation of infidelity, yet you joined a married dating site,knowing you were going to hand that devastation to other women.

How did you justify that?

Tell your husband,and face the consequences. That's how you stop.

He deserves to know the truth.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:43 PM, Friday, January 28th]

I didn't justify the hurt caused to the wives, no. I didnt think of them at all, or ask questions. To me, they didn't exist as the loyalty they are owed comes from their husbands, not me. The only one I looked up was OM3s wife. I still do. Initially out of curiosity but now when I look at the latest happy family pic she puts on insta, I am baffled that she doesnt know what her husband is truly like. How he truly feels and the things he says and does. They seem so happy, and that's great, but the depth of his deception astound me.

Did he betray you? Yes, he did. But, now you've betrayed him even more severely. Exponentially more. He has no idea he's living a false life. He has no agency. He's at risk of STD's and you seem a bit proud that he has no idea that he is sharing his wife without his knowledge. My heart breaks for him. Going through his life feeling like he has made amends and is, by your own words, a great guy that seems to be very much in love with the person he thinks you are. But, it's a lie. He's living a lie. Any why? Because you think he deserves it and because you are bored? The shallowness! The pettiness! The complete lack of self awareness and empathy is stunning. Is this the person you are? Why the guilt now after betraying him with 5 men?

Curious, when you discovered his betrayal, would you have preferred to continue to live in the dark, unaware of his deeds? I suspect not. Yet, it's somehow ok for you to do it to him?

He needs to know and it needs to come from you. He very well might divorce you and would be justified in doing so, but your marriage as you know it and as he perceives it is over.

Stop living your lie and stop letting him live a lie. It's nothing short of evil.

I am baffled that she doesnt know what her husband is truly like. How he truly feels and the things he says and does. They seem so happy, and that's great, but the depth of his deception astound me.

Why baffled? I mean, your husband doesn't know what you're truly like, and you don't find that baffling. You are not astounded at the depths of your deceptions, why are you astounded at his?

The point here being, everything you feel contemplating his situation and his role and responsibility in it, applies -- in every last jot and tittle -- to you. And to your situation.

As you see him -- so you.

I have deleted my text. Better to let others comment who can give constructive advice. I have none.

[This message edited by src9043 at 8:41 PM, Friday, January 28th]

Neverthoughtiwould

Welcome to SI. This is going to be a rough journey for you. There is a lot going on here, and the affair(s) are really just a symptom of something more going on. Not to sugarcoat it, you are completely out of control at the moment. The number of websites you are on, the number of people you are talking to and sleeping with, and I'm sure what you've described here are just the highlights. I'm certain you must have gotten tons of replies from other men, and how many of those men were able to see racy photos of you, or talk to you, or talk about your marriage problems with you? There just seem to be no existing boundaries right now, and you seem desperate for attention, and perhaps revenge.

I would strongly suggest seeing an IC if you aren't already, and please be honest with him about what's going on with you. This isn't about your marriage anymore. In order to get this out of control, there has to be a lack of dignity, of self-respect, of morality, of empathy, of pride, of decency... you lack these things for yourself, and for those around you. I don't say that in order to put you down or shame you, not at all. Rather, I want you to observe yourself and your responses/behaviors and recognize in yourself what is missing.

Did you dream of one day growing up, getting married and being a cheater?

When you think about the things you've done, does it fill you with a sense of pride and worth?

If you have kids, would you hope they observe you and act the same way when they get married?

Would you encourage your married friends to do the same things you've done so they can be as happy as you are right now?

Do you go to bed every night knowing you've been the best person you can be, and having done the best you can every day?

If the answers to those questions are "no", then it's time to start digging deep and figuring out who you really are and what you really want to be in life. Because living our lives inauthentically, well... it sucks. It doesn't feel good to be a liar and betrayer. It doesn't feel good to look at your intimate partners and realize that you just an easy mark for them.

There is something more here that you need to find and explore in therapy. In my experience, most people who discover that their spouses are looking at porn don't typically respond by joining multiple cheating sites and engaging in multiple, physical and emotional affairs. That kind of reaction seems to indicate that a "trigger" took place in you, something that reminded you of previous trauma. Were you ever cheated on in prior relationships, or grown up in a family where the adults were cheaters? Were you ever sexually molested or attacked? Were you ever abandoned or neglected? Whatever it was, something has thrown you far off the deep end. You should figure out what that is, so you can get back on track.

It is good that you quit those sites and turned down your dates. As mentioned before, please stop saying things such as, "I'm not sure how to block them". You do. And if you really don't, Google can tell you how in a matter of seconds. Block them, on your phone, on your social media, disable (and save to show your BS) any fake email or social media accounts you use, DO NOT stop to say goodbye to anyone first, and do it now.

Here's part 2, and you aren't going to like it. You simply MUST tell your spouse what has been going on. Understand that you have been stealing his agency, his choice in the matter, to stay with you, the cheating spouse. You could have exposed him to STI's. You could have exposed him to Covid. One of the other men could go "Fatal Attraction" on him and attack him. If nothing else, he is walking around telling you how much he loves you while you are busy stabbing him in the back! You keep making decisions for him, deceiving and lying to him in order to achieve the outcome that you want, which seems to be that you want him to stay and take care of you, love you, be your rock while you offer none of that in return. Doesn't he deserve to be married to someone who loves and respects and appreciates him enough to be honest and open with him? Someone not being cruel to him? Don't you deserve the same in your life?

Again, I am not saying these things to injure you or insult you. I'm a wayward too, I've betrayed and lied and manipulated and destroyed my marriage just like you have, and I have gone through the painful process of living with, and working to repair, that mess that I created. I've been in therapy forever, and have had to dig really deep into my past and deal with some tough issues in order to understand how I got so out of control. But it was worth it. My marriage is better today for it, so is my life, and my sanity and peace. You will never be happy in your marriage until you are happy with yourself. So you have to start there. You have to stop being out of control, and look at those questions I asked above, and figure out how to change your life so that it will match the answers you want it to.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 9:41 PM, Friday, January 28th]

Why can’t you divorce?

I want to stop cheating but my plan is to do that and not tell hubby anything. I cant see why he needs to know. He would divorce me. Instantly.

I thought the same thing about my husband, yet here I am still married almost 12 years later. The only reason that is the case isn’t because I didn’t tell him but because he knows everything and we worked really hard together to build a better marriage.

I guarantee that if you talk to your husband about this, you will not be bored any longer.

Not a lot of introspection here.

I'm still here listening and grateful for your thoughts. Feeling heavy guilt tonight. Childhood...hmm. reluctant to blame it but for facts... mum and dad both drank a lot but we were brought up normally. There were some fights at times between them. They would leave us alone to go to the pub at weekends and I remember hating it, being scared... I was about 8 and my sibling maybe 4. Dad had an affair and it caused mayhem. I was about 9 then. Mum stayed with him. That's all the possibly relevant bits.

To the poster who asked about my extreme reaction to hubby's betrayal. It WAS extreme, I agree! I couldn't believe how it floored me. I was so ill I lost a stone in weight, was miserable as sin for a year. It was more than just porn but I still accept my reaction was ridiculous. It's just, up to that point when I discovered it all, I just had no clue he would do that kind of thing. It seemed SO unlike the man I'd known 17 years at that point. My brain was fried. I couldn't reconcile his internet history with the man I knew! Madness. I shudder now at how low i was, and how it affected my mental health so badly. It ruined everything! It taught me things too though. Until then, my feelings for hubby were intense, the thought of him with someone else made my stomach turn! I thought if he betrayed or left me, I'd never cope, I'd fall apart. Well, I didnt. Despite finding things that actually made my knees weak and my legs so wobbly, my heart beat so hard I could feel it on the outside, laying awake at night staring at the back of his head, crying, and so so deeply hurt for so long, despite that, I survived and I'm fine. I'll never allow that level of emotional dependency ever again. So I'm stronger for it. If hubby left me for a different reason other than discovering my affairs, then I'd be ok in time. If he found out about the affairs and left me because of that, I'd find that much harder to deal with.

Its such a mess. I hate this and I DO blame him for starting us on this path. He did that. I took it too far though.

BS here - you said you wanted some perspective. Here is mine.

Your husband is not responsible for your decision to cheat. Just like nothing you did, made his actions your fault. You are both to blame for your own actions. We don't accept "he did it first" when 5 year olds push each other on the playground because we know that hitting is wrong, period. You are lying to yourself.

His A was wrong and it clearly caused resentment (which, I totally get), but you used that resentment and twisted it to do something equally wrong, equally destructive, at least 5 times (though you mention that you spoke with hundreds of OM). You also specifically chose OM with spouses and in doing so, inflicted the pain and devastation you felt at your H's actions on numerous other families - I say families because A's effect more than just the BS. The fallout can hurt children too - they can cause generational trauma (ask me how I know). How would your daughters feel if they knew what you have been doing? How would their lives be effected? Would it change the way they see you? Would it change the way they see themselves?

I think coming here, deleting the apps, and cancelling your dates were all good first steps. Posting was brave. There are plenty more steps. The people here will help you find a clear way forward. Daddydom's post is a great starting point for your next moves. Start thinking about the questions that he's asked you and then get into therapy so you can bounce your ideas off someone else. I think if you're able to be honest with yourself, you will come to the conclusion that telling your husband is the only way to have the type of marriage that you want for yourself and that you deserve.

I can already feel the pull of trying to find someone new.

Ask yourself, what is it about these conversations, these encounters that appeal to you? Is it the thrill? Does it make you feel attractive and powerful? Why do you need someone else to make you feel that way?

I hope you stick around because I think you desperately need the wisdom and guidance of this community (both as a BS and as a WS). I will tell you though, your post is probably triggery as hell for a lot of BS and without a stop sign, there may be a deluge of posters who cannot help but comment in ways that you will find hard to read. You are obviously entitled to make whatever choice you wish, but there is no shame in a stop sign - especially when you're new.

I'm fine.

This is a lie you are telling yourself.

One doesn't set out on a path of self destruction,such as yours, if you are fine.

And a person who is fine doesn't callously disregard the wives..and children..you are hurting,if you are fine. Yes, the spouse owes the loyalty. However, you and your other men are basically walking through their family home,beating everyone with ball bats.

He(each OM) is 100% responsible for his behaviour. And you are 100% responsible for yours.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:06 AM, Saturday, January 29th]

I'm responding to you as someone who went and slept with a stranger within hours of finding out that my XWH had cheated repeatedly on me. So I do have empathy for the "fuck him, he deserved it" feelings. But I did tell my XWH within 2 weeks about it because keeping the secret was hurting me. I had a hard time giving a shit about his feelings at that point, but I wasn't real if I was living a lie. Even if you stopped now, those secrets live within you eating away at you like a cancer. Being authentic is the first step to fixing what is in you that led you to respond this way. No, you likely wouldn't have done it if he hadn't gone there first and I'm about 100% positive that I wouldn't have, but there is something within us that had us reacting that way. When someone cheats, they break a powerful bond. Some people can recover a bond close to what they lost, some can't. You didn't heal from his infidelity. You didn't try to rebuild the marriage. You self-medicated with revenge. Hey, I get it, clearly that is how I reacted too. That doesn't make our reactions right. It fixed nothing for either of us. If anything, it has delayed your healing and given you even more to heal from.

The first thing you need to do is let go of this idea that you have the right to him as a spouse when he doesn't know the truth. You don't. You resent him, you use that resentment to excuse your own cheating. Your affairs didn't save your marriage. You haven't saved anything. You just didn't leave. You just added more lies and infidelity to a marriage and broke it further. What is the value of a marriage based on lies? I'd argue that if you had the choice of cheating or leaving, leaving is by far the better option. Leaving is honest. It's real. It's authentic. Cheating back is looking at a shitty partner and determining to become as shitty so that you don't feel you deserve better. It keeps you there physically, but it doesn't heal a marriage. That isn't the road to happiness. That's degrading yourself.

He broke the emotional bond. There was never a guarantee that it would come back. Reconciling is always a crap shoot even with two people really trying. You haven't been really trying. If he never told you the full truth, neither has he. So you've made the choice to not inconvenience yourself by leaving but instead to stay and inflict damage not only on him but on every partner of every man you're talking to or sleeping with. How do you see this as a valid life choice? Yeah, divorce is hard. It's expensive, heartbreaking, exhausting. And hey, probably inevitable when he does catch you. You maybe have a chance if you confess. If you just stop and don't tell him, you'll still be living in the lie. You won't recapture a bond with him. Boredom is not a reason to do anything. You don't get bored and go set fire to your neighbor's house. You don't get bored and rob a convenience store. We all get bored. It's merely an excuse to cover the actual reasons you're doing this. You aren't that shallow to actually use boredom as a reason. You're better than that.

I bet that you've noticed like I did that cheating back erases 0% of the pain he caused you by cheating first.

And I'm not downplaying your pain, truly, because when a man is looking at escort sites it's not a far leap to assume he used them, but what you know is that his internet history and wank material was suspect. You can't use physical cheating as any kind of reasonable revenge idea. It's like shooting someone for stepping on your foot.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 12:33 AM, Saturday, January 29th]