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Reconciliation :
Infidelity and your bodies response


 StrugglingCJ (original poster member #72778) posted at 7:51 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I know there are plenty of studies regarding the impact of negative emotions on your bodies general wellbeing, but after today I thought I would share what has happened to me since my WW's first DDay.

DDay 1 may 2017, she refused NC even developed a serious "friendship" with the guy in front of me, by jan-18 I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, which following several studies and my own personal experience is aggravated by stress.

DDay 2 mar-19, I had a big flare up of my UC requiring heavy dose steroids, probably didn't help us as it made me fairly belligerent and aggressive for a few weeks.

jun-19 we went on our previously arranged holiday TO near where the AP lived, when I came back I was given the news I had possible advanced prostate cancer. Luckily after alot of tests it was ONLY prostatitis, but still threw me for a loop.

Mar-20 lockdown commences, watching her chat so so much with the AP triggered another flare up.. At which point I was told I would have to go on immuno suppressive drugs to combat my UC. I have avoided these by making a radical change to my diet and exercise and have maintained my UC since then.

Then this morning, after a fairly stressful Xmas and new year, dealing with a recalcitrant WS I had chest pains and numbness and am now spending the weekend in hospital getting tested left right and centre for a suspected heart attack.. I am not overweight, exercise very regularly, eat well, and stress still gets to me..

So if ever you do struggle with life after infidelity.. Please, Please, please look after yourself first and foremost. And try anyway to not let the stress get to you.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8709904

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:26 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I felt really sick for a long time after dday. In fact, I was convinced that my fWH's cheating would end up taking 10 years off my life. Who knows?.. maybe it will. But seven years out and I no longer feel the certitude that I will lose any years at all.

I hope you feel better soon and that all your testing comes back clean.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4888   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8709956

emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 1:25 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope the testing is negative.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 744   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8709965

 StrugglingCJ (original poster member #72778) posted at 1:56 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Thank you both, I hope it does too, I will know in a few days.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8709967

TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 3:02 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Struggling, may there will be nothing serious!

Knowing the consequences of stress during my discovery and disclosure times , I utilized EFT technique, especially to stop panic attacks quickly. Meditation helped me a lot too, I was play guided meditations while working.

Few weeks ago we found out that my fWH had a super high blood pressure after about 9 months after last DDay. The reason was guilt and embarrassment. As soon as I told him the reasons, blood pressure went down to normal in about 10 min. So, infidelity take’s a toll not just on BS’s , but WS’s as well.

Yes, please don’t allow infidelity ruin your physical and mental health. It would be difficult to regain it.

Speedy recovery to you!

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 159   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8709974

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:48 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I am sorry you are facing this. I have a family member with lifelong UC and I know your struggles. Glad to see a diet and exercise lifestyle helps you.

I hope you are not feeling big heart issues.

But you do see how the stress is affecting you. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate whether this marriage is the right path for you. If the holidays showed you anything it’s that you are NOT happy. My guess is neither is she.

Life is too short to live with a marriage that is not satisfying or moving towards a place where you are both content and satisfied and more happy than unhappy.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11162   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8710003

gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 6:48 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

There are studies that relate trauma/PTSD to a host of illness (whether the trauma source is infidelity, something else [often combat vets are study subjects], or all of the above). I recently learned there is correlation between PTSD and dementia & Alzheimer's. Am Journal of Geriatric Psych has an article reviewing the literature, and the conclusion was:

Current evidence suggests that PTSD and dementia have a bidirectional relationship: PTSD increases the risk for late-onset dementia and dementia increases the risk for delayed-onset PTSD in those who experienced a significant trauma earlier in life.

I read the "late onset" piece mean that PTSD may rear it's ugly head when our cognition begins to decline - my unresearched "hunch" is that folks who experience and rugsweep trauma - again, regardless of its source - may end up with both dementia and late onset PTSD, which is horrifying.

I haven't looked into how HEALING those hurts may impact outcomes, prolly bc I can't control whether my healing will or will not help those outcomes - I just have to do it for me, for today, etc.

I had a full blown panic attack a few weeks after my WH turned his LTEA into a PA. Full stress test, workup, some thing that involved injecting dye into my body, etc. In hindsight, I believe my body KNEW something was amiss, or that my heart was broken, I just didn't (yet) know why. If you've not read "the Body Keeps the Score" by Bassel Van der Kolk, I HIGHLY recommend it.

May sound kooky, but a part of me wonders if there's any connection between these health problems manifesting in the digestive track - IOW, as all BS' ultimately learn, we need to "listen to our gut", so I'm wondering what your gut may be saying?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:59 PM, Saturday, January 15th]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3619   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8710046

Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 8:00 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

"The Body Keeps Score; Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma," by Bessel Van Der Kolk, is an excellent book. Though I haven't finished it yet, thus far I've learned quite a lot about just how the body responds to trauma and how to help yourself heal.

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6383   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8710059

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:53 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

There is absolutely a huge mind gut connection. Lots of new data and books on it too. Vagus nerve therapy and management can be hugely helpful.

Personally I know my autoimmune disease is directly linked to the traumas I have had to deal with.

Luckily I know this and have learned to manage stress fairly well and truly do not allow much to throw me anymore. I embrace happiness everyday. I choose it. That helps to keep things under control.

I hope you get good news about your heart. This maybe God or divine intervention or whatever higher power be challenging you to put yourself first and figure out what you need to be truly happy.

Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19103   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8710066

 StrugglingCJ (original poster member #72778) posted at 7:12 PM on Tuesday, January 18th, 2022

Thank you all for your comments, following tests it was confirmed as a heart attack, for which I have had 3 stents fitted.

I have had a fairly lengthy conversation with my WW where I told her that I needed to seriously de stress my life, I wanted to actually see my kiss grow up and if I don't manage my stress there is a significant chance I won't.

I said if she wasn't on board 100% with doing this then to tell me now rather than waste what time I have. She asked did I blame her in any way for my heart attack.. I told her that the stress she has put me in will not have helped.

She said she was on board.. Time will soon show that when I get home.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8710506

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:00 PM on Tuesday, January 18th, 2022

Very sorry to hear your test came back as a heart attack. I definitely think the trauma from infidelity (past or ongoing) affect the body in negative ways. I remember 2 months post False R I broke out in shingles. Then after I physically left the M and home, I discovered my blood pressure was through the roof and my cholesterol skyrocketed. I have since been able to get it under control.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:01 PM, Tuesday, January 18th]

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8099   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8710517

HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:03 PM on Wednesday, January 19th, 2022

Watch one of those youtube videos of people climbing up super tall radio towers, and you'll know for sure that your mind can mess with your body. Whew!

Unless you are a professional tower climber.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8710621

whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 3:52 PM on Wednesday, January 19th, 2022

CJ, I'm very sorry to hear about your heart attack and hope you caught things early and the stints do the trick. It's good you listened to your body and sought help rather than explaining things away as stress related. The stress we endure for such a sustained amount of time takes a huge toll. Thank you for the reminder to take care of ourselves and to seek help when needed.

I was watching this thread with interest because my stress is very gut centered, and IBS flare ups are a guarantee if we have a fight, and if I'm stressed the noises my gut makes can keep me up at night. When I first found out about the A, I have a tough time with nausea and struggled to eat healthy food, but I made up a lot of calories with alcohol. A year and a half later, when I had my worst DDay and found out a huge chunk of the secret life my WH was living, I tried very hard to stay healthy, eat well and exercise to combat the anxiety and stress. However, I started dropping weight like crazy, my IBS went into overdrive and I started to lose weight so steadily and rapidly that I was sure I had cancer. Many tests later, months on the FODMAP diet with no change, no answers other than stress and depression. I went down 4 clothes sizes and achieved my 12 year old weight at 60, and I wish it made me look great, but it made me look old and tired and run down. It was a scary time. I don't have a handle on the stress yet, as we are still on the R struggle bus, but I know that if I can't keep my anxiety and my heart rate down, my body and stomach will make me pay.

I have also developed high BP in the last year, which is new territory for me. Because of my family history, I worry about my heart and the possibility that the stress may manifest elsewhere, so I'm trying very hard to mitigate and care take. But it is hard living with the source of your stress.

I am doing all the reading I can to try to manage my stress, to heal myself from the residual effects of the trauma, but it is a slow train. I'm working on the mindfulness, meditative, zen approach to life, but this is all new territory for my type A self.

May you have a quick recovery, may your stress take a back seat to your wellness and may your wife be worthy of your love.
Take care and best to you as you heal your body and spirit.

BW: 61 WH: 61 Both 57 on Dday. M: 34 years, 2 grown kids, 9 year A with MOW, 7 month False R, years of trickle truth. I got rid of her. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 325   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8710634

RaceTheDream ( new member #41402) posted at 7:07 PM on Friday, January 21st, 2022

I believe mental health causes a lot of our physical health problems unfortunately. It took me years to realize it. I’ve dealt with IBS, had antibodies suddenly appear in my blood work (signs of starting an autoimmune disease), a lot of numbness and dizziness, and I’ve even been diagnosed with arrhythmia. Prior to last month I had only discussed the physical problems with my doctor but never my mental health.

When I went to my doctor about my mental health, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, panic attacks… he admitted to me that these things have more than likely been what’s impacting my physical health and that it’s more important than people realize to take the time to heal properly.

Unfortunately there’s such a negative stigma about treating mental health so we’re a lot quicker to treat the physical problems. It’s kinda scary how our body responds to stress and trauma.

~RaceTheDreamMe(BS). Him(WS). Together Since Jan.04, 2008 (met when we were 16)Got Engaged Aug. 13, 2012D-Day July 2013 (He confessed 3 years later)Married Jan. 04, 2014Now have 3 children (born 2015, 2017, and 2021)

"And s

posts: 27   ·   registered: Nov. 20th, 2013   ·   location: Oklahoma
id 8711197

BrokenChief ( new member #79372) posted at 2:21 PM on Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

I totally get this. I've had 3 failed back surgeries between March 2020 and March 2021. I couldn't work, couldn't do things around the house, and my libido disappeared. I was completely immasculated. I was active duty in the military at the time, and pretty much got tossed in the trash when I became of no use to my command or the military. This all brought on severe mental health issues- MDD, Anxiety, insomnia and PTSD. I took my own feelings of worthlessness and projected it upon those who love me with a poor attitude, negativity, irritability, and so on...

I asked for help too late obviously. I was always one to fix the problems, at work, with my troops, at home, and in our marriage. But I too ignorant to even recognize I was broken.

Day was Jul 2021. I completely shattered. My meds all stopped working, including my sleep meds, and I went almost a whole week on <2 hours of sleep a night. I very nearly almost ended it.

My WW and I also haven't approached addressing the A. She said she told me everything she remembers (which wasn't much) and thinks I should be over it by now. When I tell her I'm struggling she's been super supportive and reassuring, but I still feel like I'm doing most of the work in R, and she's closed me off emotionally because of how I reacted to the things she did tell me. So now, while I feel like we're making progress in R and our relationship in both IC and MC, I still feel like we're missing the connection we once shared. I'm staying hopeful but realistic. I try to be prepared mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared for the M to fail, while simultaneously put everything else into saving our marriage.

I'm 37, WW is 36.
DDAY: Jul '21

EA started in March 21, then she left me Apr 21 and started PA.
OM was best friend and fellow military veteran. He was also the husband of WW's friends.

Currently in R. Some days better than others, but we'r

posts: 8   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: Texas
id 8711308

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:31 PM on Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

I’m sorry anyone is struggling with health issues post dday.

Mental-physical connection is just mind boggling. When you can least afford physical ailments your body just struggles under the mental strain of it all.

I hope things turn around for everyone.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11162   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8711310

WishidleftHer ( new member #78703) posted at 3:36 PM on Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

I so sorry you're hurting.
The stress you're under is going to drive you crazy or worse, kill you.
Why do you continue to let your WW have contact with the AP? If she really cared about you and your health, she'd have gone NC years ago.
Maybe its time to reevaluate your relationship.

I wish you luck and hope it all works out.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8711315

Jimmy1962 ( member #59923) posted at 3:52 PM on Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

I don’t exactly know how to describe it. After finding out about my wife’s affair I was in such mental pain that I felt it physically. It hurt so bad.
Within a few months of finding out, all of the hair on my chest turned silver, so did my beard and sideburns. I am sure stress caused it to happen.

DDay 7-20-17 Found about 10 month physical affair that my wife had back in 97 & 98
I thought that I was going to die!
Trying to reconcile.
Infidelity is to marriage as Roundup is to plants.

posts: 639   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8711316

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:24 PM on Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

This is getting serious. You need therefore to take it seriously. If she won’t join you in that then you have to "seriously" consider moving on without her. Could you envision yourself doing that? Is it a possibility? Even if your life depends upon it?

Ask yourself what you truly need from her. Write it down. And review it with her. Don’t pull punches. "You do this, or I’m gone". Give her credit for what she has done, but tell her it won’t matter if she won’t complete the work. I believe that’s the only way to handle it, stay together, and stay alive.

Question: is she still in contact at all w the AP? I couldn’t find in all your threads where she went silent with him.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:25 PM, Saturday, January 22nd]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3265   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8711318

Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 4:47 PM on Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

Sometimes I’ll slip into a daydream about the A. The other day I was driving and started to daydream that I was waiting for them the next morning outside the hotel.
When I realize what was happening I noticed that my heart was beating like crazy and I was short of breath, it took me several minutes of deep breathing to get under control. I’m sure this can’t be healthy…

posts: 239   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8711320
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