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This may sound crazy but my husbands sadness, fear, shame and self loathing infact him being physically Ill on dd and for a cpl weeks after kept me feeling safe like comforting him being his heroine would make him greatful forever. Now he’s doing better is seeking help and I feel horrible. Him feeling okay scares me, makes me feel like he could forget all the pain he felt and caused.

Its taken my wife 12 months to really understand the pain she caused and its still going.

It will be up and down as realisation sets in just don't let it be forgotten your in pain but dint make it a 24/7 discussion.

He knows...

There can be some real emotional see-sawing on this.

The cycle is like this:

WS feeling bad makes you feel good. They are showing remorse!
You start feeling better. WS sees you are doing better, they start to do better.
You start worrying WS doesn't get it, they can't see you are still suffering. You start to feel worse.
You finally start feeling really bad and let WS know. WS goes back to feeling bad.

Repeat.

Sustaining both of you feeling good will only work when you heal. You can't force your way there. There is something to be said about learning to be somewhere between bad and ok. It's not an easy place to be. And you have to be able to see progress from where you were before. Maybe not immediate, but from 10,000 feet, it should be ups and downs with an upward trend. Not just endless cycles around zero.

WS feeling bad makes you feel good. They are showing remorse!
You start feeling better. WS sees you are doing better, they start to do better.
You start worrying WS doesn't get it, they can't see you are still suffering. You start to feel worse.
You finally start feeling really bad and let WS know. WS goes back to feeling bad.

This is very accurate. And then again, and again, and again until you both start healing.

Ty everyone I don’t want to be an awful person that wants to see my loved one unhappy but basically other than him apologizing and me getting upset like once I’ve had to comfort him through his stress and worries. He gets triggered easy and does not do well with me saying okay I can let it go then rehashing it. I honestly just don’t want to feel anything about it at all.

What you all said with the seesaw makes sense , he just does not do well with me rehashing.

Him feeling okay scares me, makes me feel like he could forget all the pain he felt and caused.

I think we all felt that way. Still do sometimes years later. Thing to remember is you survived it. And from what i get from my wife is she never forgets it. She just wants to not dwell on it. I think for them it’s like when you were a kid and you got caught doing something really bad and embarrassing. Do you want to think of it? Don’t you want to forget about it. Don’t you wish everybody else would too? I know you get caught in the loop that they must recognize my suffering and they must never forget my pain. But after awhile it isn’t going to do either of you any good. In your own way you will find your new normal. Things will get better. But this only happens if you have a truly remorseful spouse.

He gets triggered easy and does not do well with me saying okay I can let it go then rehashing it.

That's trauma brain. We pretty much all go through it and if he wants R, he needs to understand that you can't help needing to rehash it. Your brain is kind of like an organic computer, and he just blew apart everything you thought you knew. Now, your data is corrupt and your story needs to be rewritten. You're going to feel the need to verify and reverify and reverify for as many times as it takes for the NEW data to be accepted. You'll need to talk about it and will sometime ask the same questions, over and over again until your brain accepts the data. This is on your mind and it's NORMAL to ruminate on it for a long while. At a certain point, you'll need to get a handle on that, but not until your brain is satisfied that "the story" is correct.

You might have him read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It's really short and you might even find a copy online to download for free. There are Christian overtones, but nothing that interferes with the messaging. In it, he'll get a pretty good idea of what he's put you through, and for your part, you can compare his actions with those that the author ascribes to good "rebuilders".

Talking is healing. WS's often initially feel like we're rubbing their noses in it, but that's not what's happening. If you don't talk, you won't heal right. So, he's going to need to deal with his discomfort, suck it up, and get on board with talking about what happened. He needs to understand that whatever doesn't come out is getting bottled up in your head, and that will become a poison which turns against him.

WS feeling bad makes you feel good. They are showing remorse!
You start feeling better. WS sees you are doing better, they start to do better.
You start worrying WS doesn't get it, they can't see you are still suffering. You start to feel worse.
You finally start feeling really bad and let WS know. WS goes back to feeling bad.

^^^ This!!! It is a delicate dance. And an exhausting one.

Eventually - the swing of this particular pendulum became less and less intense. I recently came to the conclusion that had everything to do with my own internal healing than it did with WH's or the marriage's.

Him feeling okay scares me, makes me feel like he could forget all the pain he felt and caused.

ThisIsSoFine nailed it.

This is about your trauma and what I call the lizard brain (really a bunch of parts of our neuro system) will fight really hard to have you on 'high alert'. You lizard brain is doing all it can to make sure you don't forget that pain (think about it - we're talking the same parts of our nervous system that kept the cavemen alive... if their buddy gets eaten by a tiger, they need to be damn wary next time they see a tiger, or there is no human race).

If you are interested, in addition to How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (which I'm told you can find online for free -and am curious if you read it after your 1st dday), I'd check out the 2-part interview of Marnie Breecker on Duane Osterlind's "the addicted mind" podcast. There is a thread about it on SI that I think I can bump, but you should be able to find it online. It's about 60-90 minutes total. It basically talks about the ways in which a BS is traumatized by relational betrayal trauma. It helped me to understand that my inability to "snap out of it" wasn't me being crazy, but was a trauma response. Breecker & Osterlind went on to create the Helping Couples Heal podcast, which helped me tons.

To understand trauma, the "bible" on that front is "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bassel Van der Kolk. It's a LONG book, with history, the politics of the DSM, etc. AND it presents a lot of research and understanding on trauma, how it impacts us, various modalities for treatment, etc. I found it fascinating as a regular "person" and as a BS, but it may not be for everyone. It has nothing to do with infidelity.

As to this next one, I want to start by saying that while it's not in the cards for me personally, I still ABSOLUTELY believe that R is possible, that BS and WS can heal and grow and forge a new M via R (even after a 2nd dday). Anyhow, there is a book ("Cheating in a Nutshell") that does connect the dots of trauma/PTSD and infidelity. HOWEVER, I believe (as do many others) it has a decidedly anti-R bent, even tho I also think the info is accurate. It basically presents a bunch of studies about trauma against the backdrop of infidelity. If you have any interest, I would start with the thread about this particular book in "the Book Club" forum on SI. Despite my disclaimers, I found the book to be a good synthesis of what's happening in a BS' BRAIN in the aftermath of infidelity/dday. That perspective is helpful for my particular personality, but maybe not so much for others. I honestly think that it should be required reading for WS.

Along the lines of shame - reading that your pain is making your WS physically ill is, IMO, a HIM problem. IOW, he is making YOUR pain, that HE caused, about HIMSELF. That is not empathetic. It's not remorse. It's HIS shame taking over. (and at dday2, it's disconcerting to me). You may want to explore the dynamic of you feeling better by comforting him. NOT saying there is something "wrong" with it ... I AM saying that your energies may be better focused on comforting yourself, self soothing, etc.

Finally, given this is your 2nd dday - what did you/WH do to R after the last rodeo? Did he do IC? What factors or changes led you to commit to R last time?

I think you use caring for your H to distract yourself from your pain. That will not work for the long term.

Your pain is in you. You're the only one who can resolve it. You heal you.

Your H's pain is in him. He's the only one who can resolve it. He heals him.

IMO and IME, opening yourself up to your pain and letting it flow through your body is the quickest way to resolve it. That's hard work, and you might want to get the help of a good IC while you do it. Whatever you do, healing requires processing the anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body. Distracting yourself just keeps the pain around longer than necessary.

The same words apply to your H. His processing his pain out of his body is the best guarantee that he won't betray you again. That doesn't mean you'll R. It just means he won't betray you again if he deals with his own pain.

I know this is much easier said than done. I know the pain is overwhelming now. We all go through it. The good part is that you can do the hard work of healing yourself. You're way stronger than you think.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:01 PM, Thursday, January 13th]

It is so hard! I feel it and have been there. You want to be healed but you want to know that he will never ever forget this pain that you are in. You do not want your pain to be erased from his memory so that he will always remember and be grateful for you. It takes time. You will get there, two steps forward and three steps back. I hope tomorrow has you feeling better. God Bless.

There can be some real emotional see-sawing on this.

The cycle is like this:

WS feeling bad makes you feel good. They are showing remorse!
You start feeling better. WS sees you are doing better, they start to do better.
You start worrying WS doesn't get it, they can't see you are still suffering. You start to feel worse.
You finally start feeling really bad and let WS know. WS goes back to feeling bad.

Repeat.

THIS^^

Stimulus response feedback seesaw loop.

Like the Washboarding effect on a dirt road.

Totally ok and will eventually stabilize.

Just watch out for:

-Toxic Wayward Guilt: Where the WS's guilt gets in the way of your healing and their healing and getting YOUR needs met.

-Redirection: When the WS tactically redirects sympathy back unto themselves, victimizes themselves.