A couple of things to remember:
1) Your W initiated and maintains NC. I'd honor that, but I recommend breaking NC to tell her you're open to R, unless you've already done so. If she blows you off again, that's about her, not you.
2) 'Getting your W back' puts you at risk of this happening again. That's not the worst thing in the world, but if your W wants to come back (she might) and you're willing to give it a chance, your W needs to take responsibility for her actions, and she needs to be willing to do the work necessary to change from cheater to good partner. Sheepish, 'Gee, I made some mistakes. I love you and won't make these mistakes again' is simply not enough even to start R.
3) I joined SI only after I had done some reading in 'net forums and concluded that the gender of my W's ap had about the same impact on that straight As had on other BSes. I actually thought that my W's choice of ap confirmed my manliness - after all, she chose a woman, so it wasn't lack of manliness that was my problem.
4) Her choice of ap does open the question of her sexuality. If she's gay, I see no point in R - but that's because I want a partner who wants to have sex with me. If she's bi, R is within the realm of possibility - if she changes from cheater to good partner and if you can agree on what your M will be - it probably will and should include monogamy (it did for me), but that's up to the 2 of you. My understanding is that true homosexuals are disgusted by straight sex, so if your W has enjoyed sex with you, she's probably bi.
5) Be very protective of your heart. It makes sense to contemplate R to see if it's attractive to you. But my reco is to go for R only if you know it's what you really want. Figure out your requirements and see if your W will sign up to meet them. She may have requirements, too. R takes 2. It's a process of building a new M that serves both of you.
6) My d-day came within hours of my W realizing she had fucked up beyond royally and deciding she would get honest. But her IC, who became our MC, said that she might have chosen ow if I had confronted, say, a couple of months earlier. (For various reasons, I misinterpreted many signs during W's A.) So I don't have a clue about what your W will do, but it's possible she will realize she's hurting herself and that she's way, way better off with you.
So my reco is to prepare yourself both for her return and for D. And just D if that's what you find you really want.
7) I felt totally adrift on d-day. Nothing had prepared me for that, and I did not know what to do. At the same time, I was inundated again and again with tidal waves of grief, anger, fear, and shame. I wanted help processing both the feelings and the 'what do I do now?' A good IC helped. A good MC helped. SI is peer-counseling, and we can do things that IC/MC/group therapy can't. But a good pro can do things we can't. Don't hesitate to look for good professional help.
8) One thing that stood me in good stead was that one of my first reactions was, 'I'm not going to let this ruin my life - change, for sure, ruin, for sure not!'
9) Fuck pride. Fuck image. Go for what you want. You have to build a new life, whether you D or R. It will be easier to deal with the difficulties if you choose to do what you do. If your W won't R, commit yourself to D.
Also, more important, R requires honesty. Don't try to manipulate your W. Think straight. Talk straight. Act straight - that's 'straight' as in 'honest'. Be yourself. It's a lot easier that way. A lot.
Your W has done and is doing things that wound your pride. But pride is about image. You have to lead real life, so I emphasize reality, not image. See yourself as you are - a human being with wants and needs, don't wants, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes.... The universe sometimes gives you stuff you don't want, but you control only yourself. It's OK to arrange your life to maximize getting what you want and to minimize getting what you don't want. Go for what's real to you. Don't distract yourself with mirages.
10) Have faith in yourself to heal, whether you D or R or need time for your M to get worked out. As awful as you feel now, you can survive and thrive, with or without your W.
Apparently I'm defining 'couple' very broadly.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:15 PM, Thursday, January 6th]