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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
She Just Met This Person 3 Months Ago

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 JustJason (original poster new member #79748) posted at 7:40 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Here's my emotional vomit:

For the last few weeks my wife has been engaged in suspicious behavior: 1. protective of phone 2. doing errands and not coming home with the items she went to buy 3. shaving her crotch which she hasn't done in a decade and 4. buying new sexy underwear (which she also hasn't done in a decade).

On Xmas Eve I confronted my wife and asked her if she was seeing someone else. She immediately denied it. I then asked to see her phone. She responded by calling me a "controlling Ahole". She then immediately left our home. The next day I got a text from her saying she is filing for divorce and not to contact her.

Fast forward to New Year's day. I get a text from my lesbian friend's wife, that my wife and her's are having an affair. She forwards me the texts she had discovered. They are calling each other baby, swearing they are in love with each other, etc. Eventually, I met with the other spouse in person. I then learned that they have already moved in together. The other spouse then tells me that my wife is saying I hit her on Xmas Eve. This is absurd. I didn't touch her.

All I want is my wife back. After watching a few videos on youtube, I've initiated no contact.

To make things more bizarre, my wife has only known the lesbian friend of mine for about 3 months (I introduced them).

What if anything, can be done here? I feel like this is just some midlife or emotional crisis going on with her.

I am completely devastated, can't eat or sleep, having panic attacks, etc. Up until about 2 weeks ago, we were still laughing, joking, going on dates, posting photos of us on FB, etc.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022   ·   location: New Orleans, LA
id 8707722
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 8:17 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Sorry man, happy holidays huh?

Frankly sounds like she's gone. I think your options are limited, you can't control another person, only yourself. I think your best move is to be decisive and initiate divorce proceedings. Occasionally this will shock the cheating spouse into reality, in any event it gets you out of limbo and moving forward with your life. Serving her with divorce papers doesn't mean you're divorced, that process takes months. Talk to a lawyer immediately to look after yourself here. Your wife sounds vindictive right now, you should protect yourself legally.

Claiming false abuse on you is serious (and obviously a rotten thing to do). I would set the record straight about everything with key members of her family, her parents in particular. Don't let that charge of hers stand unopposed.

Are kids involved here? How long have you been married? Do you both work, and if you divorce what's going to happen to your house?

posts: 405   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8707739
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 JustJason (original poster new member #79748) posted at 8:22 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

This is our 2nd marriage. We have kids but they are all adults and none together. She has no real relationship with her parents.

The house would need to be sold.

You don't think there's any chance here? Even given the sudden onset? We were married 16 years. 90% of it was really good.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022   ·   location: New Orleans, LA
id 8707741
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:29 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

You don't think there's any chance here? Even given the sudden onset? We were married 16 years. 90% of it was really good.

When their first reaction is to flee to their AP, no. Especially when false DV charges are thrown about. Your best path forward is to proceed as if she is gone and move to protect yourself legally, financially, and emotionally. It may be that she'll have a lightbulb moment before things are finalized , but I'd even approach that cautiously. It's very likely that she'll realize the grass wasn't greener. That won't change that you were Plan B until her Plan A fell apart. There's nothing stopping her from seeking a new Plan A and using you in the meantime.

posts: 886   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8707742
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:31 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Wow, very sorry for what happened to you. You must protect yourself. Get a VAR and keep it with you always. Not only is your wife a cheater and a liar, but she seems to have no problem falsely accusing you of hitting her. That is especially low after everything she has been up to. Go see a lawyer immediately and institute divorce proceedings. The process can always be stopped if your wife regains her sanity and decides to work on your marriage if that is truly what you want.

Otherwise, protect your joint financial assets by closing all bank accounts and credit cards now. Split the proceeds 50/50. You mention nothing about children. If there are children, your attorney can guide you on the issue of custody and child support.

You really have no options in this matter. Your wife has left you and has established a new life with this other woman. Don't wait for her to change her mind. Again, everything can be undone if, by some miracle, the marriage can be saved somewhere down the line.

Finally, go seek therapy in order to help you through this terrible time in your life. Rely on friends and family to also help you through this mess.

posts: 500   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8707743
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RangerS ( new member #79516) posted at 8:38 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Given the false DV claim already made, keep a VAR on you and record everything whenever you are physically in the same place as her. Get you ducks in a row and prepare for divorce. Take care of yourself.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8707747
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 JustJason (original poster new member #79748) posted at 8:39 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Thanks for the replies thus far.

I'm getting an attorney, we never really mixed finanances. We have adult children, none together (We are 50).

I guess my thought is. This is just impulsive, not well thought out. She's never even mentioned any homosexual tendencies before and to me it just sounds like a midlife crisis.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022   ·   location: New Orleans, LA
id 8707748
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:06 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Would you really want to stay with someone so vindictive and unscrupulous who would levy a false DV charge against you? One that could get you fired, disgraced, thrown in jail? Come on. She's gone baby gone, and you should be running the opposite direction.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 179   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8707756
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

If her sexual orientation has "changed" or been discovered, I would suggest you move on. My XW did exactly that 5 years ago, except it was just a sexting deal that year. I told her I was filing for divorce and she dropped the partner.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years of an uneasy reconciliation and the partner came back on the scene. By the time I saw what was going it, it had transformed into a physical cheating. I always thought I could have fought for the marriage if it was a hetero affair, but with the complete change in sexual orientation I saw no path forward so I filed for divorce and 5 months later I was legally single. The start of the affair was in our 27th year of marriage and the physical affair started in our 31st year.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 362   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8707762
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:37 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Really sorry you are going through this.

If she is bi, she is bi. I don't think the sex of the AP matters tremendously in that case. If your wife has just always been closeted gay, there is no chance for you.

You are NC, so there isn't really much of an opportunity to talk to her about it. You need to take care of yourself. Try to eat healthy, drink water, and get sleep (and talk to a doctor to get sleep aids if you can).

See a lawyer, and if you can, file first. Many people in affairs don't have their shit together to actually execute something like legal action quickly.

And yes, get the VAR, set up wifi security camera at your house, whatever else you need. Post "area under surveillance" sign if you need to in your area.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:38 PM, Wednesday, January 5th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8707772
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 10:01 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

So very sorry to hear you’re going through this hell too.

Don’t lose your self-worth in the shitstorm she’s caused…you are worthy of a faithful loving spouse…and she has deliberately failed you. Can you live with that?

Sending you strength.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707783
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:51 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Seen this happen before, many times. It's mind blowing. It's shocking and leaves you debilitatingly stunned-to the point of inaction, leaves your mind in a state of disarray questioning, everything.

Like others have said, you can't control her. You only have control over yourself and you need to take some immediate actions to protect yourself and your estate. Protect yourself from slander, false DV charges, manipulation, abuse and, to protect your dignity, peace of mind and your future best outcome.

If, along the way, she comes back, you can reconsider your moves going forward from a position of relative security and strength.

But currently, she's is completely checked out and is high risk to you. Don't try and reason with her while she's in this state. Regardless of whether this "state" is temporary or permanent, she can't be trusted, she can react irrationally, impulsively, unpredictably without mercy. It's like an addict protecting their pipeline fix, comes up swinging on the Medics after the Narcan.

-Do the 180

-Lawyer up and serve

-Distance yourself from her

-Consider Nest cams in the house
and VAR on your person.

-Do not engage

-Communicate with her only through
your attorney.

-If you do speak with her keep it
terse and professional.

-When you explain to others what's
going on, keep it objective,
dignified, factual, and limited to
need-to-know facts. Keep in mind
that you are telling others, not to
mud sling, but to rally support and
protect your narrative.

-Follow the instructions of your
attorney. Make sure your attorney is
aware of the false DV accusations.

-If she comes running back or
questions the divorce service, do
not allow yourself to be manipulated
by grand overtures, proclamations
of love and regret, love bombing,
abundant display of tears and snot.

You're both going to need to re-approach this marriage methodically, objectively, carefully, with clear heads, lots of research, therapy and counseling and true reconciliation. NO SHORTCUTS. You will be emotionally compelled to sweep this under the rug and get back to normal as quickly as possible. Avoid this or you will be reliving this disaster again, I assure you.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:55 PM, Wednesday, January 5th]

posts: 776   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8707801
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 11:18 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

You don't say, and I don't want to assume, but it sounds like you are a man and your WW is now in a lesbian relationship? Just wanted to make sure I understood for clarity, although most of the same advice would apply if you were a woman in a marriage with another woman. Regardless, when a spouse goes rogue, they go rogue.

From the timeline you've provided it looks like the last time she texted you was nearly two weeks ago, telling you she wanted a divorce and not to contact her?

Well, frankly, she's deep in limerence.

Sisoon, a regular poster here, is a betrayed husband whose wife had a same-sex affair, if I'm not mistaken. He may be able to give you his insight.

From my standpoint, I would say she has done a harsher, yet somewhat similar version of what my WW did to me. I did a "soft confront" with phone records in the midst of my WW's affair. In fact, my WW confronted me angrily demanding to know why I had downloaded her phone records. At that point, all I had in my possession were the logs showing the calls and texts, not the actual texts. She accused me of trying to ruin the "one adult male friendship" she'd had because of my overbearing jealousy.

When I responded by shakily and tearily asking for an explanation for all of the constant phone calls and texts between her and another man (a friend of mine) my WW convinced me I had falsely accused her (I felt horribly guilty) and then she invoked an in-home separation that very day. I was devastated and I began researching about my own supposed paranoia, and about divorce.

I researched divorce because I felt with her separation from me that my WW wanted one for what I (thought) I had done.

I also at that time researched something called "the 180" which I began implementing immediately. I did this -- again -- because I thought we were heading for divorce and I needed to detach.

I was on the verge of making an appointment with a divorce attorney when after nearly two weeks of this (around the time of my birthday and Thanksgiving five years ago) my WW suddenly stopped the separation and cozied up to me. This was merely gaslighting at its finest, but I didn't know that at the time.

Anyway, long-winded way of getting around to:

1. In my opinion, you should make an appointment with a good divorce attorney as soon as humanly possible, get a packet and start initiating divorce proceedings.

Don't delay. Don't moon about hoping she will come around.

Ironically, that is actually the only way you might be able to salvage this. Your wife is deep in the limerence fog, she's probably convinced this is the love of her life (and it isn't), and she's not going to listen to reason. A divorce filing will make it real, and it needs to be real.

This isn't a gambit or game on your part. You need to do it for real and prepare yourself for the possibility that it WILL be real.

2. Under the advice of your attorney, begin appropriately separating your finances, redirecting your paycheck to a new bank account and so on. You don't to support her infidelity lifestyle with your money.

3. As others have said, protect yourself from now on with a VAR in your pocket.

This is just impulsive, not well thought out. She's never even mentioned any homosexual tendencies before and to me it just sounds like a midlife crisis.

You are probably correct, and it's very unfortunate and painful. Midlife crises are incredibly destructive. The person having the crisis often experiences severe regret when they wake up with a hangover. Which does nothing to repair the damage they've done, by the way.

I say this as clearly as I can: That CANNOT be your problem any longer. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

If in fact your wife is bi-sexual, that does nothing to ameliorate her decision to cheat on you. The fact of her sexuality doesn't excuse cruelty, disregard, toxic lies and so on. Separate the two so you can clearly see what is going on here.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:20 PM, Wednesday, January 5th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4527   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8707812
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:41 AM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

There are several actresses and I think a comedian or two who were in heterosexual marriages, actually several marriages apiece. When they reached middle-age they finally decided they were gay. I have no idea how your sexual orientation can be that hidden from you but they all say it was. I think you need to do exactly what you've been told to do which is to get yourself to an attorney and start procedures. Women do you leave, women do cheat. I've got friends who've done both.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8707838
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Sordid ( member #50143) posted at 2:15 AM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

I feel so badly for you.

As Thumos pointed out, it seems like she's experiencing limerence, which overlaps with what people call the "affair fog".

In this state, people will do and say things that are completely narcissistic, with a near-total disregard for the feelings of other people. Sadly, just because it's temporary doesn't mean that you're a good candidate for reconciliation.

First, you don't experience limerence at first sight. She needed to intentionally explore how she was feeling to get to the point that she was all-in. She needed to do that without telling you. She told you lies about what she was doing. And yes, some of those things probably happened after she entered the "affair fog", and so you might be willing to forgive them; but some of them occurred before she was in the fog-- they were necessary lies and deliberate actions that eventually led to her being in that state. Don't just write the entire incident off as her being in this extreme emotional state that some people experience; if you choose to, you could read about limerence, and decide you're willing to chalk it up as some sort of psychotic break or temporary insanity. I wouldn't tell you you'd be wrong to do so. However, that still leaves you with the cheating and lying she did before her brain jumped into the deep end.

It's really unclear what's going on with the claim that you hit her. It could have been a one-off lie in the heat of the moment when being confronted by the other betrayed spouse, to justify her actions, in which case it's bad; or it could be a deliberate strategy, and that she's telling other people the same thing, in which case it's way, way beyond merely bad. I urge you to speak to a good lawyer who has experience with domestic abuse cases. An hour of time might cost you $600 or whatever it is for your area, but it is really important. Falling out of love, being betrayed, getting an amicable or acrimonious divorce, etc., are all important; being accused of domestic violence can actually ruin your life. Talk to a lawyer that deals with domestic violence, ASAP-- an hour of your time and some money to protect your future life is one of the best investments you'll ever make.

Drink lots of water-- like, triple the amount you normally do. Don't drink alcohol or smoke weed, at all; or if you must drink, stop before you're buzzed. Get a full night's sleep; if you're not able to, phone your doctor's office and tell them that you need a prescription for sleeping pills, because you're in a very difficult, emotionally painful situation. They should be able to either prescribe without seeing you, or else work to get you in ASAP; any doctor worth their salt knows that even a few days of bad sleep can lead to bad outcomes, and should be able to spare 15 minutes to make sure you're not asking for the medication because you're suicidal. Force yourself to eat regularly; if you're able to eat regularly, try to make sure you're eating something other than empty calories. It can be difficult, but you can force yourself to eat, even when you're not at all hungry; usually something like soup is easiest.

If you do want to reconcile, I don't think there's anything proactive you can say or do that's going to help bring that about right now. She's asked for no-contact, and if you violate that, there's a reasonable chance she'll fire a restraining order (I'd bet her new partner would advise her to, just as I think there's a decent chance her new partner was the one to tell her to claim you hit her-- of course, I'm just playing the probabilities here, I could be completely wrong). But even if no restraining order is in your future, you're simply not going to get through to her in her present state.

Limerence doesn't last forever. If she does "come out of the fog" a month or a year from now, then that's the time you can get through to her. In the meantime, you need to devote your time and energy to looking out for yourself. Even if the divorce goes through, she could still call you out of the blue sometime in the future and give you a tearful apology and say she doesn't know what came over her, and if you want to reconcile, you'd be back together; divorce doesn't preclude dating the person, or living with them, or remarrying them. I'm not advising you to go down that route, I'm just saying, as unbelievably painful and unbearable being in a state of "I don't know what's going to happen" is, you don't have any way to force this to resolve in reconciliation right now; you can, however, avoid burning bridges, if you want to keep the possibility open.

[This message edited by Sordid at 2:17 AM, Thursday, January 6th]

“One of the cruelest things you can do to another person is pretend you care about them more than you really do.” Douglas Coupland

posts: 197   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015
id 8707852
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 7:23 AM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Others have given you good advice. Complete no contact. It helps that there are minimal entanglements. Read up on the 180 in the Learning Library and focus entirely on your own well being. See a counselor who is well versed in betrayal trauma.

Have a VAR on you at all times and if she wants to meet for any reason make sure that it's in a busy public place - ideally with cameras.

Nothing about this is your fault. Your wife has emotional issues that have led her to cheat. She has moral or boundary issues that allowed her to do that. She may be bi or a lesbian but that's no excuse for betraying you.

It's not impossible that your WW is deeply in the fog and could change her mind as reality sinks in. You maintaining NC is part of what will force that reality to sink in. But for your own sanity, set a deadline for how long you'll wait for that to happen. Write it down and stick to it.

In the event that she does come to her senses, make sure you have your conditions for R clearly in mind. She will have a lot of work to do to make amends, figure out why and how she did this, and change so that it will never happen again.

Good luck.

Me: 60, BS
Her: 59, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 199   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8707885
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:31 AM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Yes the mid life crisis affair— I’m an expert having lived through it.

My H was walking away from a 25 year marriage, kids, home, family & friends to be with tattoo girl who was 20 years younger. He knew her 6 months. She was and is a train wreck and a complete drama Queen.

Dday2 and false reconciliation for months gave me the guts and backbone to realize I only had one option - D him.

You are correct that this is not a well thought out plan.

You are right that there isn’t much you can do when someone behaves irrationally and up and leaves a marriage on a whim.

Do what is best for you. Just be prepared for the day she comes crawling back b/c this "relationship" is going to implode. One of them will cheat on the other — once all the excitement and newness wear off.

Unless your spouse is the kind that will never admit she is wrong, then she won’t come crawling back. But my $ is on the fact that this "relationship" won’t last.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8707888
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 12:45 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Consider hearing this story about a woman you don't know well. Say you're sitting in a bar chatting with a dude next to you who tells you this about his wife. That they've been married for a time -- second marriage for each, so they were both mature adults when they decided to get married. Then, out of the blue, she started exhibiting the classic affair symptoms: changed grooming, unexplained absences, phone obsession. The man confronts her directly, she denies, he asks to see her phone (a reasonable request from a spouse), her response is to call him a controlling asshole, tell him she wants a divorce, and leave home. Truly bizarre response. Then, he gets a call from a person telling him that the wife is having an affair with the caller's spouse, has moved in with the AP, and the caller's marriage is breaking up. You learn that the cheating wife has only known the AP for a few months, and yet she is willing to break up two marriages to be with this AP. Take gender out of the story.

What would your conclusion be about the WW? Any third person hearing this story would think: "Man, that's a crazy-ass bitch. If I were you, I'd run screaming and not stop until I was as far away from her as I could get."

We often say on this site: If your WW shows you, via her actions, what kind of person she is, you should believe her.

We also often say that one of the tasks for a newly minted BH is to take the blinders off the eyes and have a good look at your WW for the person she really is, rather than the person you imagine her to be.

I say that because your OP says:

All I want is my wife back.

I actually don't think you mean this. I think what you want back is the make-believe wife you thought you were married to. Because the real-life person is wack.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3808   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8707898
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 JustJason (original poster new member #79748) posted at 2:24 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

I have read each of your replies and I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to respond to this. All of your replies are in fact helping tremendously. There are 2 or 3 of you that I wouldn't mind reaching out to in a direct message or e-mail. Is there a way to do that here?

posts: 13   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022   ·   location: New Orleans, LA
id 8707909
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 3:21 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

There is a private message feature but you need to have 51 posts to access it. This is to prevent people from signing up specifically to SPAM or harass through PMs.

Keep posting. Keep in mind that we've all been there. You don't need to feel embarrassed about anything you're thinking or feeling about this. Also, don't feel browbeaten by people telling you that you need to go a certain way. You know what how you feel and what you want. But this is also advice from hard-earned experience that you're getting, so listen carefully to *all* of it, take what is helpful, and leave the rest.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 3:21 PM, Thursday, January 6th]

Me: 60, BS
Her: 59, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 199   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8707924
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