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Just Found Out :
She Just Met This Person 3 Months Ago

Topic is Sleeping.

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

A couple of things to remember:

1) Your W initiated and maintains NC. I'd honor that, but I recommend breaking NC to tell her you're open to R, unless you've already done so. If she blows you off again, that's about her, not you.

2) 'Getting your W back' puts you at risk of this happening again. That's not the worst thing in the world, but if your W wants to come back (she might) and you're willing to give it a chance, your W needs to take responsibility for her actions, and she needs to be willing to do the work necessary to change from cheater to good partner. Sheepish, 'Gee, I made some mistakes. I love you and won't make these mistakes again' is simply not enough even to start R.

3) I joined SI only after I had done some reading in 'net forums and concluded that the gender of my W's ap had about the same impact on that straight As had on other BSes. I actually thought that my W's choice of ap confirmed my manliness - after all, she chose a woman, so it wasn't lack of manliness that was my problem.

4) Her choice of ap does open the question of her sexuality. If she's gay, I see no point in R - but that's because I want a partner who wants to have sex with me. If she's bi, R is within the realm of possibility - if she changes from cheater to good partner and if you can agree on what your M will be - it probably will and should include monogamy (it did for me), but that's up to the 2 of you. My understanding is that true homosexuals are disgusted by straight sex, so if your W has enjoyed sex with you, she's probably bi.

5) Be very protective of your heart. It makes sense to contemplate R to see if it's attractive to you. But my reco is to go for R only if you know it's what you really want. Figure out your requirements and see if your W will sign up to meet them. She may have requirements, too. R takes 2. It's a process of building a new M that serves both of you.

6) My d-day came within hours of my W realizing she had fucked up beyond royally and deciding she would get honest. But her IC, who became our MC, said that she might have chosen ow if I had confronted, say, a couple of months earlier. (For various reasons, I misinterpreted many signs during W's A.) So I don't have a clue about what your W will do, but it's possible she will realize she's hurting herself and that she's way, way better off with you.

So my reco is to prepare yourself both for her return and for D. And just D if that's what you find you really want.

7) I felt totally adrift on d-day. Nothing had prepared me for that, and I did not know what to do. At the same time, I was inundated again and again with tidal waves of grief, anger, fear, and shame. I wanted help processing both the feelings and the 'what do I do now?' A good IC helped. A good MC helped. SI is peer-counseling, and we can do things that IC/MC/group therapy can't. But a good pro can do things we can't. Don't hesitate to look for good professional help.

8) One thing that stood me in good stead was that one of my first reactions was, 'I'm not going to let this ruin my life - change, for sure, ruin, for sure not!'

9) Fuck pride. Fuck image. Go for what you want. You have to build a new life, whether you D or R. It will be easier to deal with the difficulties if you choose to do what you do. If your W won't R, commit yourself to D.

Also, more important, R requires honesty. Don't try to manipulate your W. Think straight. Talk straight. Act straight - that's 'straight' as in 'honest'. Be yourself. It's a lot easier that way. A lot.

Your W has done and is doing things that wound your pride. But pride is about image. You have to lead real life, so I emphasize reality, not image. See yourself as you are - a human being with wants and needs, don't wants, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes.... The universe sometimes gives you stuff you don't want, but you control only yourself. It's OK to arrange your life to maximize getting what you want and to minimize getting what you don't want. Go for what's real to you. Don't distract yourself with mirages.

10) Have faith in yourself to heal, whether you D or R or need time for your M to get worked out. As awful as you feel now, you can survive and thrive, with or without your W.

Apparently I'm defining 'couple' very broadly. smile

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:15 PM, Thursday, January 6th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27113   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8707932

 JustJason (original poster new member #79748) posted at 4:16 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Thank you seeking to forgive.

The thing is I have read up on limerance. I have pulled back, etc. I feel like I am taking most of the more practical advice here. Supposed to meet with a lawyer today.

Our finances were always kept separate because we had 2 sets of kids etc., but I live in a community property state so do still need to get a legal financial separation. I'm a paralegal (25 years) so I know a bit more about divorce law than most.

I also feel I'm generally doing ok with No Contact. I've had to contact her for some practical things like our mortgage, plus our home was damaged due to hurricane Ida, we owe money to some vendors, etc. She will not respond back even on these issues.

It's like she pulled a switch and I don't even exist.

I am not having very good luck finding a therapist either.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022   ·   location: New Orleans, LA
id 8707933

 JustJason (original poster new member #79748) posted at 4:21 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022


Your post was particularly helpful. Thank you.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022   ·   location: New Orleans, LA
id 8707936

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

JustJason, if you want to privately message people right away you may be able to do that by donating for an SI membership. It isn't required for you to post, but it may accelerate your access to the private message feature (I'm not sure about this, so the site moderators would be able to tell you one way or another). I myself haven't done that, but I've thought about it.

I am not having very good luck finding a therapist either.

See if you can find a therapist who specifically lists betrayal trauma as a specialty. You can usually find at least one in most major cities. Someone with a background in cognitive behavioral therapy would also be good, as it is based on sound brain science.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:37 PM, Thursday, January 6th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4594   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8707940

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:27 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

At this point you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with, she's not even responding to your messages, she made it clear she wanted to D and left, therefore stop trying to contact her, instead get a lawyer, file for D and expose her with all family and close friends without warning, if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, if so just let the D run its course and get out of infidelity. Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through your difficult situation.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8707961

Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 5:46 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Wow, you must feel a bit like you've been blitzed. Sounds as though you were hit pretty quickly with all of it.

I have to agree with the others that your M appears to be over, your STBXWW has no interest in the M and there is nothing you can do about that.

I hope you can find a good attorney to protect your interests.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with all of this. I hope your friends and family can help support you through this.

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8707963

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 7:08 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

What if anything, can be done here? I feel like this is just some midlife or emotional crisis going on with her.

This way of thinking is going to hold you back. I suggest you go back and read through many of the threads on this site, including from those that are giving you advice on your thread OP.

When you wife ditches you that quickly, she is most likely gone for good. And you know that the other lesbian is also in her head telling her how horrible you are, and they have already made up lies about you. Its hard to come back from. She will literally have to do a 180 and put her tail between her legs and come crawling back, its very very unlikely. On top of that, now she has to explain to you that shes a lesbian!!! It won't be easy and won't be likely either.

You know what she won't be getting from that lesbian though, its a strong man. Maintain your NC, except for the bills like you have. Note down in an email to her when you communicate so that you can get that money back during your divorce. Send her emails only, and file those. Note what you need, (money for mortgage, pipe repair).... get the house fixed up now and get her to pay half, you know it will be sold, so might as well force her to pitch in her share. This info you keep for the divorce.

As far as getting her back, again, I would stop trying to do things to get her back. Do things that would advance YOU OP. Things like getting better rest, exercise, mental health and IC. If she ever decides she wants to come back, you'll be in a better position to consider if you even want her back. Also, don't completely trust the OBS. I know she is sharing things with you, but stay guarded b/c you never know what she may end up telling her wife, and then it gets to your wife.

Get to an attorney and get you rights sorted out and file for D. It may take you a few more weeks/months to get there, but you need to go and read the other threads here. It will provide a blueprint and road map for you. CHeating is universally the same when it happens.

posts: 1312   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8707989

countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 8:15 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

I feel like this is just some midlife or emotional crisis going on with her.

When my XW started on her same sex affair, I thought the same thing. I considered that she was suddenly taking some sort of drugs or having a mental breakdown or something. I even asked a doctor to do a brain scan to look for a tumor or some sort of organic cause for this complete change in behavior and sexual orientation.

Now, with much more time to reflect, I realize that she likely was repressing her sexuality for her entire life. For the over 30 years we were together, it was always sort of "uneasy" in a weird sort of way, even if the marriage was by and large good. It was only after the marriage ended that both of us could take a reasonable look at the many years we were together and see a pattern for what it turned out to be.

We've maintained a good relationship after the divorce (I still have 1 son living with me and I go out of my way to make sure that both of them are reaching out to stay in a relationship) and have talked about how things are better for both of us now. She said, the last time we talked about, that she's gay but was living as bi for our entire marriage (unknowingly). I accept that and it does explain quite a bit.

Keep your chin up JustJason. Do what you need to protect yourself, try to eat, drink lots of water and take time to recover.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 392   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8708005

 JustJason (original poster new member #79748) posted at 4:57 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

To update. She has filed for divorce with allegations of abuse. I'm meeting with an attorney on Monday. I'm just so incredibly devastated here.

I understand what you are all saying, i.e., I need to accept, move on, work on myself. I'm having a really hard time finding a therapist where I live (South Louisiana). They all want to do this remote stuff maybe b/c of Covid, but I don't think it would be too effective that way.

How do you even do this?

I feel so broken and unable to think of anything else at all. I don't have too many friends. My kids (we don't have any together)are grown and have moved out, have their own lives. What am I actually supposed to do with all this dead time with no one to interact with?

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022   ·   location: New Orleans, LA
id 8708328

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:37 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

A lot of therapists are using a secure form of video-conferencing. That way you can see each other's faces. That's not as good as being in the same space at the same time, but it's better than nothing, with a good IC.

I believe therapy will be more successful if you go in with at least one goal that involves a change you want to make in yourself. The goal doesn't have to be profound. Even the simplest goal can work - getting help deciding what to do (although I think you know what you have to do right now), or getting help processing your feelings, or detaching, or dealing with the end of illusions, or spending more or less time at the gym ... any change you desire works. Then monitor your progress - if you're getting to your goal fast enough for you, great - keep going. If you're not, make a change.

There's a Divorce/Separation forum on SI. I stay out of it because I'm superstitious, but I recommend browsing there. In particular, this thread looks useful:

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. I'm especially sorry your W is charging abuse. IMO, it's really important to learn that the A is about your WS's issues and not about issues she has with your or with her M. That concept really helped me live my life, and living my life helped me stay centered and not get blown in new directions as my mind went on its merry way, thrashing about trying to find a way to heal.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27113   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8708367

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:12 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

What am I actually supposed to do with all this dead time with no one to interact with?

Begin, with Baby Steps, to the next chapter of your life. Begin to lay the track towards an optimal outcome by following the advice given and that of your attorney.

You're going to go through the usual stages of grief, grieving the loss of your marriage and way of life (Shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope). Just let that all process through you, but don't let it compromise you!

I can honestly tell you, and it's going to seem hard to believe from your current perspective, that the next chapter can be pretty damned great. Get in the gym and burn off some cortisol, and get your dating bod ready.

Also, and more importantly, protect yourself and your future best outcome by getting that attorney on the job-now. Your WW scares me. Do not do ANYTHING to validate her false narrative of you. Do everything you can to avoid contact and a Restraining Order-which is probably already in the works!

Consider yourself lucky in the fact that you won't be wasting your time in limbo or some false reconciliation hellhole.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:15 PM, Friday, January 7th]

posts: 891   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8708414

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:18 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

What am I actually supposed to do with all this dead time with no one to interact with?

Binge Netflix?

Anyway, more practically, please make sure you have a VAR/security camera set up at your place ASAP. She is already claiming "abuse" and clearly isn't afraid to hit you with a false domestic violence claim. Protect yourself.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1909   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8708434

Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:43 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

ok, she's going the abuse route. Get a pitbull attorney and go after her back. If you can claim abandonment or abuse yourself, do so.

You can't go up against Mike Tyson unless you are willing to hit back, even if you have to cheap shot.

Fight back, because your future depends on it

posts: 3557   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8708445

Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:45 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

ThisO is right. She's willing to go the false DV route, she will go wherever it takes, even to destroy you. VAR and cameras up fast. No contact and be prepared. BTW attorneys do answer back on weekends

posts: 3557   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8708446

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:08 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Honestly – are there any grounds for her claim for abuse?
Medical files? Visits to the ER with bruises from when she walked into a door?
Are there police records or witnesses to you being abusive in any way or form?

Contrary to believe you cant walk into a court and make claims without some evidence to corroborate them. If your abuse was to hog the remote to watch football instead of The Bachelor a judge will just throw that away.

It’s a valid question and I’m hoping you give me a resounding "no".
I’m just wondering why she wants to go the fault path rather than offer a no-contested divorce.
The only reason I can think of is to speed the process. Since you don’t have any minors that are both yours and hers, she could quite easily settle for an uncontested divorce that can go through if you don’t live together for 180 days.

Maybe give your WW some options: If she insists on flagging the abuse thread you will counter file for a divorce on the grounds of adultery. Louisiana still allows an immediate divorce for abuse and adultery. Instead get her to settle for a more reasonable and sensible uncontested divorce.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10604   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8708448

 JustJason (original poster new member #79748) posted at 2:36 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Bigger. She has zero evidence for any abuse. No cops showed up. There were no marks on her because I didn't hit her. I'm assuming she didn't go to any doctor because there just weren't any injuries.

Having spoken to my attorney, he basically says it's all just posturing if she has no proof. That it would actually cost her more to have a trial than it would to just proceed with a no-fault, etc.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022   ·   location: New Orleans, LA
id 8709037

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:05 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022


WS's lie a lot. Many WS lie to AP about having an abusive BS. It could be more of a lie she needs to continue to perpetuate to her AP in order to not seem like the titanic asshole that she is. AP probably encouraged her to file under abuse...

Just a thought.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:30 PM, Tuesday, January 11th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1909   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709069

Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 3:06 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Exactly. WSs don't just lie to their BSs. They lie to everyone, including their APs and themselves. It's very possible that she has been telling this tale to her AP and now that they're found out she's trapped into following it through.

It may also just be a lie that she's come up with the save face with family and friends when the news of her A gets out.

Cameras and VAR. If she comes to your home don't answer the door under any circumstances. Don't interact with her at all except with a lawyer present. If you encounter her outside your home, walk away to the nearest public place. Be prepared to record on your cell phone.

Good luck!

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 3:06 AM, Wednesday, January 12th]

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 382   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8709203

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:17 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Just know she needs to make you the "bad guy" to assuage her guilt for lying and cheating.

Typical cheater move BTW.

I’m sorry for you - she could have acted like a mature adult. But instead she chose to act like a jerk.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11870   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709228
Topic is Sleeping.
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