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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Reconciliation :
Are there any truly happy reconciliations?

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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:19 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

I don’t consider us reconciled but we are well on our way in the journey. I believe we can have a great M but it will never be the same. My gut will have to be on alert forever, that’s the hold back, or the deposit I’m holding.

Where I felt 100% secure in my M before, I now have to hold on to an exit strategy. It’s not because I expect her to cheat again, it’s because I now know what she is capable of.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1058   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8708709
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IHatePickingName ( member #70740) posted at 6:15 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

But I do want to say that while doing the work is paramount, it's still no guarantee that it will work, or stick. It's a big, scary, gamble, and people have every right to say,"F it; I'm out."

This is also very true and it is why you each have to do the work for yourself, first and foremost. We each recovered and helped each other recover because it was best for each of us, and would be best for coparenting our kids, regardless of whether the end result was divorce or reconciliation. At the end of the day, healing from trauma and learning to be a better person was worth doing for its own reasons, but it didnt ensure we would end up together afterwards. That was a separate decision we made and keep making

BW/WW Me
WH/BH DoingThingsWrong

I can finally say we are reconciling and it is going well ❤️

posts: 237   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2019
id 8708724
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redfish ( member #71426) posted at 6:41 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Where I felt 100% secure in my M before, I now have to hold on to an exit strategy. It’s not because I expect her to cheat again, it’s because I now know what she is capable of.

This is about where I am in my R. I did not have an exit strategy in past relationships before my M. Was I unprepared back then? I felt safe and trusted my past partners. That trust has not returned with my W. Doesn't mean it won't, but will I always have an exit strategy, yes, in my opinion prepared is a good idea.

I'm sure this holds back our R.

posts: 122   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8708732
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 9:43 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

I'm sure this holds back our R.

It was vital to my recovery. I would never consider R without such a strategy, or at least being physically(financially) and mentally prepared to be on my own. I'll never allow myself to be that vulnerable again. And I think it's much healthier this way.

Decisions based on fear are no bueno.

BW 30-year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month EA/PA
Recovering

posts: 361   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8708759
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:45 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

I'm sure this holds back our R.

No it’s part of the deal we make when entering R.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1058   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8708773
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 8:46 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

That right there is just another reason that you are on my Desert Island Top 5 wishlist of people I hope to one day meet at a SI get together (g2g).

That and the fact that I think you are wicked smart, thoughtful, articulate and analytical. I am absolutely certain that we would get on like gangbusters and have some seriously fucking productive and mutually enjoyable long ass conversations about infidelity without all the constraints and limitations of text getting in the fucking way.

Thanks for the kind words! Hoping 2022 is a better year for everyone.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4528   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8708906
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Evertrying ( member #60644) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

My husband and I are happily reconciled. Dday was 9/1/2017 and it took alot of sweat and tears, but we made it through to the other side. It was really tough for the first two yrs, but then it got easier and now we are healed.
The affair will always be a part of our story, but it does not define us or consume our relationship anymore.
He worked very hard to earn back my trust and prove to me that he is a safe and loving partner.
It's a long, hard road but it CAN be done.

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1216   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8709071
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 8:06 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I have to say again how much I appreciate these successful R stories. When I feel completely defeated, I read these stories and they lift me up. I wonder if any of you would be willing to connect with me via PM. I would like to get more of your stories and find out what worked, what didn’t etc. Thank you
Please PM me if you are willing to share your story with me. I appreciate it so much. Thank you again.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8709109
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 9:35 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

DailyGratitude,
Just a reminder of the guidelines:
PRIVATE MESSAGE FEATURE: Please do not publicly post Private Messages that you've received. Also, do not share your Private Messages with other members unless you've received permission from the original sender. Public PM requests/announcements are not permitted on the forums.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14747   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8709136
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sneaker ( member #49520) posted at 9:44 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Yes. We are happily reconciled.

Me: fBH
Her: fWW (3x brief A's over 20yrs)
3 Kids
In R
You can't heal unless you know what your healing from..

posts: 350   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2015
id 8709142
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 4:51 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I would never say I'm "reconciled". To me, that's closing the door on what happened. (I know not everyone thinks that.) We are happy on our journey right now. I am happy being married to my husband. I'm happy with my life right now.

That's not to say everything is all roses all of the time. That scar exists. I hurt. I cry. I still grieve. But when I lay out what I want in a partner, my husband does a great job at checking off the boxes. Our relationship is different. It's better in almost every way. It's also changed permanently in other ways. But overall, if I left, it would be a crapshoot to find a relationship that would fulfill me in the same way. I choose every day to stay and work on my marriage and myself. So does he.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 994   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8709263
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 8:19 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

TX1995 - I feel very similarly to what you've described about R. I think by a lot of definitions of R here, I am reconciled but for some reason I struggle with using that word myself. I'm happy in my (imperfect) marriage. I'm happy I made the decision to R with my husband. I think our relationship is, in many ways, stronger and better than it was prior to the A. We have had conversations and created a level of intimacy that didn't exist beforehand. Somehow, I'm not ready to say we're reconciled though because it seems like I'm describing the end of something that seems more ongoing.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 744   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8709342
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