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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Reconciliation :
2 Years


 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 7:44 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

D-day has come and gone. So has our anniversary, the most hurtful of the holidays, and the physical part of A season. I wish I could say it was smooth sailing, but it was not. 😂 I was also dealing with some hormone issues, and man that did NOT help. Hopefully I’m over that hump.

I have recently felt a shift. A calmness. Dare I say it, acceptance? I don’t know if it’s psychological, or the 2 year thing is that dead on, but I have noticed a change in me. I’m not saying I’m all whole and healed, but I do think I have finally accepted that this happened to me, I can’t change it, and I’m now ready to focus on the future. Jesus what an exciting concept, and how fucking annoying that it takes that long.

I’m also viewing my husband differently. I have spent the better part of two years either hating his guts considering divorce, or desperate for his love and affirmation. Sometimes both at the same time, which is a mind fuck. Now it’s kind of evened out where I believe I’m making the right decision to stay, but I don’t feel that "need" to have him validate me anymore. I know that’s a good thing. I know it’s obviously best to not depend on a man who cheated on you. However, it is kind of sad to now think "if we divorced…meh." 😂 maybe someone gets what I mean by being both glad and sad to reach that point.

Besides my deep dive into the fluctuating hormone pit which kept reactivating my "flight or fight" (that was hell) I’ve been doing really well. I still think about the affair on a daily basis, but it’s "foggier" now. Not near as raw or painful. I don’t constantly relive that time like I did for so long. Even the mind movies, when I have them, are fuzzy and not as hurtful.

I can remember being only days out from d-day and wishing I had a fast forward button to get through those first couple of years. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to make it through this. It feels so fucking good to be here now, knowing not only did I make it through, I made it out a stronger, wiser, and more empathetic version of myself.

I know this is the reconciliation forum, and maybe I should post more about the progress my husband and I have made. I do hope to do that one day, but for now, I’m just proud of me. :)

Thanks SI stranger friends for being here.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 752   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8706434

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 8:41 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

YAY for making it through!!! You are doing exactly what you should be doing Dear Lady...focusing on healing YOU!

You will then be strong enough to stay...or not.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5815   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8706438

Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 5:41 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

It feels so fucking good to be here now, knowing not only did I make it through, I made it out a stronger, wiser, and more empathetic version of myself.

Great update. Now you have your strength, and any choice you make each day forward is based in this strength.

You know you will be fine, regardless of what happens next.

That is a good feeling.

And no need to talk relationship progress yet.

Hell, I think my R didn’t truly begin until after those first two years.

It was hard for me to add anything substantial to the rebuild or to the R — until I realized my value and let go of any future outcome.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4269   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8706490

ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 11:57 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

So glad to see you feeling so much less traumatized now Underserving. It's a great feeling isn't it?

You've got a leg up realizing how important it is to focus on you. In retrospect I don't believe real R can happen until each party processes the trauma enough to start to rebuild themselves individually. I'm really so happy for you that you are there and can continue this trajectory for yourself.

Bravo. And I hope the hormones calm down for you.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2727   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8706499

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:15 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

Oh, boy! This IS a positive R story as far as I can see.

I've wanted my W for all but the first few weeks of knowing each other, but until around d-day I also felt a need for her. I knew I could live without her, but ... on some level I was aware of needing her. That ended on d-day.

My experience is that wanting without needing is a lot better - more joyful, more potential for even more joy - than wanting and needing. I can't explain it, and I can't say that you'll feel the same way, but it's possible. So you may be preparing yourself for a very good life. Just sayin'....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26518   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8706529

Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:53 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

Thanks for the update I think what you are describing is the back side of the roller coaster. As the coaster loses momentum the hills are smaller and the speed slows.

I hit this not long ago and I started looking real hard for something. This can’t be getting better. I started over thinking every day things all couples deal with. She would have a hard day with our boys and when I got home she would say please let me take a break. I would think "Ah ha she’s still selfish". I started nit picking for something. I was calling her out and she was walking on eggshells.

I was holding on to the hurt, "the little pieces". I was causing the problem not her. I was not following my own advice of letting go of the baggage along the route.

My W has been busting her ass to make our R a success. I really couldn’t ask for more out of her, except 1 thing, she needs to sleep on the couch because her hormones have us sleeping with a brick oven every night. laugh

For 2 years our journeys has been very parallel. As I think it, you post it. I appreciate how raw and real you have been, you and your H are doing great!!!

1000th post!!!
End t/j

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1058   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8706538

 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 5:30 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Thank you W2BHA!! I’ve said it more than a few times, but I’m so glad you continue to stick around and share your experience and your positivity. Even when "happiness" seemed unobtainable to me, it still helped knowing someone out there not only overcame this shit, but was actually thriving. I hope you know what a light you are to some of us in our darkest times.

It was hard for me to add anything substantial to the rebuild or to the R — until I realized my value and let go of any future outcome.

I have realized just how true this is. R is really only just beginning for my husband and myself. We were mostly just trying to stay afloat those first two years. Hanging in there long enough to see if it was even worth it to try and rebuild from the wreckage. Most importantly I needed to heal. And nothing like trauma to expose just how much you really need to heal from. I’ve made peace with parts of my life I never thought I would. I’ve grown stronger and have a new love and appreciation for myself. I have proven to myself, and others, I can do really hard things. I am content with the path I’m on, and if I’m ever not, i’m not afraid of changing course anymore. That’s a security I’ve never had before. :)

Tanner- I think I had set way too high of expectations for myself. What I’m supposed to be like. What R is supposed to look like. What my husband needed to do to meet those perfect "R material" standards. I was falling short. Our "R" was falling short. And of course my husband was absolutely falling short. I felt like a "post affair failure." Now that I have let go of those expectations, and have focused solely on my own healing at my own pace, I’m doing a lot better. I’m proud of you and how well you are doing!! You have been a great encouragement to me, and I hope you know how much I am rooting for you too. :)

I am not on SI near as much anymore. I’m glad to have this place, but sometimes I just need a break from all things infidelity. Which is honestly nice after being consumed by it for so long.

Hope everyone is doing well!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 752   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8707367

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:20 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

I think it's really important when in R that you can accept improvement and seeing the progress toward the goal, instead of being upset you haven't reached your goals yet. Seems like you have done that. Good on you.

My fWW and I gave each other anniversary cards that both said we were happy to finally be able to relax a little (totally independently composed). I think I had previously said there was an eerie silence to go along with the reduction in constant effort, but I'm finding contentment again in things being a easier.

I wish you the best in your ongoing R journey.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8707395
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