D-day has come and gone. So has our anniversary, the most hurtful of the holidays, and the physical part of A season. I wish I could say it was smooth sailing, but it was not. 😂 I was also dealing with some hormone issues, and man that did NOT help. Hopefully I’m over that hump.
I have recently felt a shift. A calmness. Dare I say it, acceptance? I don’t know if it’s psychological, or the 2 year thing is that dead on, but I have noticed a change in me. I’m not saying I’m all whole and healed, but I do think I have finally accepted that this happened to me, I can’t change it, and I’m now ready to focus on the future. Jesus what an exciting concept, and how fucking annoying that it takes that long.
I’m also viewing my husband differently. I have spent the better part of two years either hating his guts considering divorce, or desperate for his love and affirmation. Sometimes both at the same time, which is a mind fuck. Now it’s kind of evened out where I believe I’m making the right decision to stay, but I don’t feel that "need" to have him validate me anymore. I know that’s a good thing. I know it’s obviously best to not depend on a man who cheated on you. However, it is kind of sad to now think "if we divorced…meh." 😂 maybe someone gets what I mean by being both glad and sad to reach that point.
Besides my deep dive into the fluctuating hormone pit which kept reactivating my "flight or fight" (that was hell) I’ve been doing really well. I still think about the affair on a daily basis, but it’s "foggier" now. Not near as raw or painful. I don’t constantly relive that time like I did for so long. Even the mind movies, when I have them, are fuzzy and not as hurtful.
I can remember being only days out from d-day and wishing I had a fast forward button to get through those first couple of years. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to make it through this. It feels so fucking good to be here now, knowing not only did I make it through, I made it out a stronger, wiser, and more empathetic version of myself.
I know this is the reconciliation forum, and maybe I should post more about the progress my husband and I have made. I do hope to do that one day, but for now, I’m just proud of me. :)
Thanks SI stranger friends for being here.