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Newest Member: KMS60087

New Beginnings :
Our new home.....our new safe place

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 Mari104 (original poster member #63422) posted at 10:17 PM on Monday, December 20th, 2021

So I did this thing……..I sold our home and bought a new home place for us. smile The only home my children have ever known. It still seems surreal to me. It was really tough for so many reasons and liberating for so many other reasons. It gave me back a sense of independence and self-worth. After being treated like someone’s personal punching bag for years and being told various times that "I would be nothing without them or would have nothing without them"….. it feels liberating to know that those words no longer hold power over me. I am proud of myself and my children are as well. Especially our 13 year old daughter. She has told me so many times how proud she is that I have come so far. I had so many bumps along the road. Our home flooded 1 week before I was planning to put it on the market and 1 week after I signed a Contract for our new home. It was a complete nightmare. I had worked so hard to get it ready to market……without the help of my STBXWH. He of course always expected 50 % of the proceeds…..but NEVER came around to help. Wanted the house on the market, but never cared about what needed to be done to get us there. Even when our home flooded and I told him what was going on, along with our 13 year old daughter….he never bothered checking in afterwards. So many of his belongings were still at the house, but that wasn’t enough modification to come help. I just don’t understand it. This is also HIS home and aside from that….his children LIVE THERE. As their father and ESPECIALLY someone who is "trying" to build a relationship with his children again….you are not going to show up when your family needs you most? Then he wonders why our daughter continues to want nothing to do with him. I had his family and our closest friends helping me day and night. I worked day and night…while taking care of OUR children full time and working full time. His parents are amazing. His family has been amazing. Our friends have been amazing. They have been there for our children and I every step of the way. They are all beyond frustrated with him at this point because no matter how amazing they were and how much help I had…..having their father there would have made all the difference to my children.

I was planning on staying in the house for a few more years. I wanted to do this because he had already put us through so much. I wanted my children to have stability. I wanted my children to feel safe. But that all changed in the beginning of this year when he told me that "he would have bragging rights for paying me alimony." It changed everything for me. It changed me. He had put us through hell….and still had the audacity to say he would have bragging rights and that we would still be living "an amazing life because of him." After the initial shock, I knew what I had to do. Yes, that home held so many beautiful memories, but we have been dealing with so much pain from what he has done, the beautiful memories seem to be overshadowed by everything else. We needed a fresh start. Just walking into our "new kitchen" everyday was a constant reminder of his deceptive strategies. Pretending like he was "making things right and changing". Having our dream kitchen built, the entire home remodeled….to only turn around months later and doing the same horrible things to us again. We needed a place to call our own. A safe place…and that "house" no longer felt safe and no longer felt like home.

Unfortunately, my STBXWH has not changed at all. He has done ZERO growth. Continues to put his wants and "needs" before our children. I never thought things could have gotten worse between him and our 13 year daughter, but here we are. He claims he wants to have a relationship with her. Now started sending her random text messages that he misses and loves her. But his actions continue to prove otherwise. Just this past Thanksgiving, he dropped off our son on a Wednesday evening. (He spends 2 hours a week with him….and sometimes I have to convince our son to go with him.) He comes into the house (we were still living in our old home) and drops off something I had asked him for. We begin discussing the proceeds of the house and the MSA open issues. Very briefly. Things have been "civil". All the sudden…..he flips. Begins screaming at the top of his lungs about how his mother is a POS and his family is horrible for treating him the way they are. That I am not perfect, so why are my parents ok with me. That we were married to each other and I was also part of the reason all of this happened. Why is he the only one getting crap from everyone and how dare he be treated this way. Etc., etc. Our daughter comes downstairs and asks him to stop. To asks that he stop speaking about her grandparents that way. Our son starts crying. I ask him to leave. Politely. I don’t yell. He looks at our daughter and tells her to go upstairs before he does something he may regret. She looks straight at him and says "no". He yells are her again and I ask her to please just go upstairs with her brother, close her door and I would handle this. At that point….I asked him again to leave and he begins walking out the door while continuing his rant. I just don’t get it. I really thought we were all beyond this. His anger clearly needs to be redirected and he continues to blame everyone but himself.

To top it all off….The very next morning (Thanksgiving morning), he sent our daughter a text message. "Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are as happy and grateful as I am". She never responded. A few days later, He sends me a text message telling me that he contacted her therapist telling her what is going on and that her not responding to his text message was very disrespectful. I ignored it. I just can’t take his ego-inflated mentality anymore. He can do whatever he wants. Be as disrespectful as he wants, but then he expects respect in return. Regardless if she is a child or not, she also deserves respect. Both my kids do. How was any of what he did showing them respect for the last 5 years? He has done this so often. Behaves however he chooses then completely pretends like it never happened and wants everyone to just move on. Never apologized for what he did the night before. Just expected her to dismiss it all.

He claims he "could care less what people think and whether his family supports his decisions or not", but it is clear he does care. He just always thought everything would work out the way "he wanted it to". He continues in a relationship with his mistress. Yes, many WS do this. I have seen it on here so often. Everyone is free to make whichever decisions they want in life, but they are not free from the consequences of those decisions. He dragged us through hell…..it was just completely unfair what he did. It was years of emotional and mental abuse. We will never be the same. Instead of coming to terms with all of this and focusing on rebuilding his relationship with our children, he chooses this crap. She has told him so many times that she will never be ok with his mistress and the whole "affair". It was just too much. Too much pain. She doesn’t want any of "that" around her. He just shoves that aside……continues doing what he does and then says he wants a relationship with her. It hurts me as a mother to see her continuing to feel unworthy by her own father. To put a mistress and affair in front of your old child. I just don’t understand it. sad

So, this new home of ours is just a big step in our healing process. Now more than ever, I know it was the right decision. He needs to learn that no amount of material things will ever "fix" what he has done to us. That him remodeling a home, buying us things....to only turn around and break his promises for the 100th time was devastating on us. We will be ok eventually. It will take time. But the house we were living in and he was also part owner of is something he will not be able to hold over our heads. He no longer has "bragging rights" over that.

[This message edited by Mari104 at 10:58 PM, Monday, December 20th]

posts: 148   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2018
id 8705212
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021

You should record him next time OR install cameras so that you have proof of his abuse towards you and your kids. Then, file for a restraining order on behalf of you AND your kids.

As for you, you're a badass for standing up for yourself and so is your daughter! I'm proud of you for modeling good behavior for your daughter! Your ahole ex is just mad because he KNOWS he can no longer control you or the narrative!

Good luck and keep those boundaries!

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1723   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8705228
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:55 AM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021

So glad your new home is your safe place. That is such a great New Beginning.

Sorry he's such a jerk.

My adult children don't really want a relationship with their dad. It's really their decision.

Being a safe haven is important for me, and that's what I'm working toward.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 778   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8705258
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twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 3:04 PM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021

Congratulations on reclaiming your peace <3 Home is what we make it, isn't it?

When I left my ex, we moved into a 2bedroom apartment (from a 3 story, 4 bedroom townhouse). I slept on the couch and the kids had their own rooms. We did that for 4yrs. Why? Because back then I didn't trust myself enough not to back peddle and let my ex back in. Like yours, he never did the growth and still blames everyone for his issues (except himself). What your ex yelled sounds a lot like mine.

Mine also has no relationship with the kiddos right now because he isn't stable. They are now teenagers and want nothing to do with his shennanigans. Both kids are way more mature than their father and are both in therapy. My ex blames their therapists for the kids not talking to him rolleyes He blamed my therapist for "making" me leave him, and obviously has nothing to do with his drug addiction or infidelity rolleyes

We have been free for 8yrs. Best 8yrs of my life. My career has taken off, the kiddos are healing, we are close. We now live in a nice house, and I've done it all on my own (I have not received a penny for the kids in 8yrs).

I'm proud to have provided a peaceful home for my children despite their father. I'm proud of you for doing the same <3

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 430   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8705292
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 3:26 PM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021

Thanks for posting this update. Congrats on the move and for taking care of you and your children. You are doing an amazing job. I do remember your earlier posts and all of the hell your STBXWH put you through. You have shown real strength and growth through it all. Best of luck to you and your children in your new home. He is ranting because he hates consequences and has lost control. Great to see that his family has continued to give you support. It’s unusual but heartening to see. I remember your MIL vowing to confront the OW’s family in her church. Keep on, keepin on.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2948   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8705294
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:21 PM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021

You are a badass rockstar woman and mom! I love how you have provided for YOU and for your kids.
I agree with the cameras and recording - your house, make it safe for you.

Keep moving forward. We can see how bright your future is going to be. Well done!!

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4363   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8705320
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 3:27 AM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021

Hi Mari,

We joined about the same time back in '18, so you (plus a few other posters that joined at the same time) always stick out to me. I still remember the early days of feeling like I would never be okay ever again, and not believing others when they said it takes time, but it would.

It makes me so glad to hear you have a new house and a fresh start for you and your kids!! I wish you many good memories going forward in it.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 1994   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8705396
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 Mari104 (original poster member #63422) posted at 5:33 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Thank you everyone. It was such a huge step for us. We had done so many recent renovations to the home. (Every time my ex would break his promises to us, that is what he would do. Come back.....claim he was changing. Go above and beyond. Spend money on renovations. Big renovations. Then do it all again.) It became a pattern. Then it became something he literally would throw not only in my face, but our daughter's. He would say that he has always been great to us and made sure we lived in a beautiful home, so why were we not appreciating everything he has done. mad Just another way he would justify his behavior. Being in that home became a trigger for us and we just needed to remove ourselves from it entirely.

I posted something yesterday in the Divorce/Separation forum about him now wanting my help with our daughter and their relationship. Seems like all the sudden, he realizes he has lost her trust and doesn't know what to do. Years later, after doing so much......he now realizes it. We shall see how genuine he is being about mending their relationship and whether he will be doing what is necessary. Only time will tell. The reality is, he now sees us all moving forward with our lives and he has lost a sense of control by the kids and I no longer living in a home he was also the owner of. One less thing he has to "hold over our heads" and from his past, it is clear he likes to be "in control".

[This message edited by Mari104 at 5:35 PM, Tuesday, January 4th]

posts: 148   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2018
id 8707368
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:27 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Yeah - congrats on your new home. It is wonderful that you all have a "safe" space!!!!

Unfortunately, my STBXWH has not changed at all


I just wanted to say, someone told me these words when I was at your stage. They helped me TREMENDOUSLY over the years as my ex continued to do just crazy stuff. I would always remember what was told to me here on SI: "Don't expect him to be a better man now than he was during the M"

It was so true. I kept waiting for him to be a better person for his children and would be frustrated/mad when he kept putting them through the BS. This was false thinking on my side. He showed who he was. Shame on me for expecting more. wink

posts: 6693   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8707607
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