helplessness watching someone else be victimized.
this rings a bell for me... and not "just" the victimization of the BS, bc I often feel the WS is hurting (or victimizing) THEMSELF. And IMO, no matter BS or WS, reading it unfold in real time can be horrifying and painful and - triggering AF.
It's quite sad to think of the easy examples off the top of my head of a new WS coming here and swearing up & down it wasn't PA, it was only once, never in the home, or the plethora of other "full" disclosures that just about anyone here (WS or BS) intuitively suspect, to then flash forward a few weeks or months to read that the posts weren't anything close to the whole story. All the while knowing the further harm being done to the BS, the diminishing odds of the M surviving, AND that the failure/inability to find honesty and candor further damages the WS - even if being done by the WS' own hand (just like a heroin addict who swears they are clean... the next hit and the internal lies/rationalizations that go with it - are harmful to the addict).
I'm not a WS, so I don't know about walking that line on the WS side. I do have a sense of that on the BS side, when it's pretty clear the WS is not remorseful, likely providing a GIANT load of bullsh*t to the BS, and/or still engaging in the A. Yet, some BS simply don't want to - or cannot - hear that. Cannot hear the ways in which they need to protect themselves (emotionally, physically, financially). We WANT to believe the beautiful lies we are told - cuz the alternative is pretty effing awful. Yet, listening to those lies causes US further harm (and FWIW, I don't think that's terribly different than what I imagine a WS feels - they also want to believe their lies, cuz the reality is soo starkly different from the persona they've created for themselves).
So, on my "side of the street", I do try (tho imperfectly and certainly with failure) to temper my responses. It CAN be very triggering... that feeling of helplessness is a whole effing thing- BS or WS - right? It took me a long time to shift my thinking/reaction (or more likely, recognize & manage my own triggers). Like anything, some days (threads/posts) are better managed than others. I guess I could say I try and focus on/use the 1x1 vs the 2x4
So, I guess all that to say it seems to me that throwing this out to SI seems like a miracle to me! Like what healing looks like. And I suppose that the thread itself is insight into how to keep paddling? I, like so many others, have such immeasurable gratitude and respect for you (and so many others on SI) who have the strength, courage, and time to come here and share such personal experiences. It's been a literal lifesaver for me. AND, we also know you need to care for you... we have to put on our own oxygen mask first. So, if something is too triggery, I try to stay away from it (not always with success ). Sometimes it sucks when something gets under my skin. I do my best to step away and work on my own trigger management - they are all opportunities - right?
[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:36 AM, Friday, December 10th]