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Dazedandconfused1978

Feelings of doubt-confirmed

I haven’t posted here in a bit. Been taking a breather and collecting my thoughts and finally getting out of my feelings long enough to post.
Most on here by now have put together that my wife is posting on here too. Not sure if I’m allowed to put her name out there, so I’ll leave it at that. I’m not asking people to take sides just trying to be transparent.
I’ve had a gut feeling for some time she wasn’t being totally honest and forthcoming. I understand how hard that must be on WW. To expose all the wrong and cast yourself as a villain and that is exactly how I see it.
She recently disclosed she had feelings for her AP for as long as they worked together. Brief and not very accurate timeline:
*Affair was 16 years ago-physical.
*Brief NC, as she and him transferred to different job locations
*She went to see him one time during this NC
*He returned to her workplace roughly 3-4 yrs later
*The feelings returned immediately upon the announcement he was returning. Emotional affair?
*I asked to her quit her job and she refused stating the financial implications it would have on us
*She worked along side him for roughly 4-6 years after his return
*She states her feelings left when she left the store for good due to corporate downsizing. She has now been gone for 5 years

Timelines are rough I know. Hard to gather exact dates without being able to get his work history so this is the best I got.

Her recent admission to the feelings still being present upon his return has been a big setback as you can imagine. So many feelings flooding my brain right now. I realized yesterday that she has had feelings for the AP longer than she has had feelings like that for me in our marriage. Tough-tough pill to swallow. I feel I deserve everything I’m getting right now because I have the choice to end it. I can divorce anytime I want. I get that. But divorce is not what I want. I’ve been asked why did or do I stay? I really honestly don’t know. I do love her. I do want a family. I do enjoy spending time with her. Im afraid of feeling like a failure with a dissolved marriage. I’m afraid if being alone. I worry about the kids. I also took a vow. I know she broke hers, but I take my serious. The part of through sickness and health…I feel she has a sickness. Maybe not one that is clinically proven, but she is broken and suffers from low self esteem and self worth (how… she is a very attractive lady) and is external validation driven.

One problem I’m facing is I’m a very analytical guy. I want this to back and white. And ITS not. I want to make sense of it. And I CANT. I want to make excuse for her. But I CANT. I try to rationalize thought processes for her and I both. I CANT. My mind is so scatter brained right now.

I CAN see it for what it is.
*She is a serial cheater
*She is broken
*She is not emotionally intellectual. (Therapist term)
*She is very dependent on external validation
*She broke my fucking heart
*She is not safe

Now I’m not asking for pity with todays post. I’m hurting here so if you feel the need to pile on- go right ahead, I probably need it to get my head out of my ass. Like I said, I deserve what I am suffering through because I made the choice to stay. I truly own that decision. What I’m asking for here is
*Is this salvageable?
*Is reconciliation possible or are we delaying the inevitable?
*Can she become safe?
*How do I get past my gut feeling that the EA turned back to physical
*** Most importantly, how do I give the gift of forgiveness?

38 comments posted: Friday, December 24th, 2021

Am I pain shopping??

Been told that I’m just pain shopping now? I understand the "theory" behind this. Understanding and not agreeing. What say you?

26 comments posted: Wednesday, December 15th, 2021

Who is more brave?

I’m a BS. Still grieving the affair. I think about the affair every day all day. I read this site day and night and am thankful for all the insight.

Question:
Who is more brave, the WW who decided to have the affair or the BS who files for divorce?

I know the WW made a decision lacking morals and is broken is some form. I’m not looking at them like they did something heroic. But there has to be a mind process they go through before actually doing the deed. I know some, not all, reflect prior to their decision and consequences be damned and they decide to go through with the affair. I have always likened it to a young soldier just joining the army and going off to war knowing he most likely will have to take another persons life. His mindset going into battle would be what? Scared? Determined?

So the question begs, how brave the WW must be to contemplate the consequences and still carry through? If that being the case, why are so many BS scared of the divorce process? The loneliness that is sure to follow? The search for a new mate some years down the road? Fear of losing what they had?

Let me be clear. I do not want a divorce. I’ve put much thought into it and reasoned myself out. But just curious if anybody sees the affair as something brave the WW did? They had the gumption to chase what they thought would truly make them happy while we BS lick our wounds and are to scared to D? Is it me or does anybody else see the stark contrast? Just something I ruminate about throughout the day. Sorry if this triggers anybody.

29 comments posted: Thursday, December 9th, 2021

Why would he end the affair?

Wife was messing around with a co worker. She states it lasted 3-6 months. She says it always happened at the work place and never outside the workplace. Hmm??? Anyways She says he ended it without no conversation what so ever. Just moved to another coworker.

Now my question is and sure this will some blowback as I am classifying most men especially ones without morals. Why would he end it when she was giving it to him with no strings attached? She became a booty call in those months. At his beckon call. No guy who is getting a free piece of ass on the side is going to cut that off unless…

This is where you guys chime in for me.

27 comments posted: Monday, November 8th, 2021

Knowing the truth

Been 16 years since my wife’s affair. We swept it under the rug for many years but here in the past 6 months it has came flooding back like hell. So many questions that I didn’t ask before. It’s driving me nuts. Wife either says she don’t remember or that we need to drop it and move forward. I agree, I want to move forward but I guess where we didn’t deal with it properly the first time this has hit me like it was yesterday. I went through about 3 months of depression which my doctor says is a form of ptsd? I honestly don’t know what to do. So my question is, how many have felt they didn’t get full disclosure and how have you dealt with it?

69 comments posted: Saturday, November 6th, 2021

Full disclosure??

This is for the waywards. How many have gave full disclosure to their spouse? Or did you tell them just enough? In the disclosure, did you lie about certain details either out of fear of hurting them or out of fear that the certain detail would be too much and dealbreaker and they would leave?

1 comment posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021

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