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General :
So close to Christmas

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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 9:14 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

How am i going to do this? Act like everything is ok in front of his family this christmas who know nothing has happened. I just found out November 13th. My husband is still working out of town until Dec 10th so working on things has been extremely difficult. Then 2 weeks later its Christmas! How was your first Christmas after?

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8701667
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:32 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Explicit temporary rugsweeping is how I got through it.

"I'm going to act like things are normal for the holidays, but we are not ok." I talked to a lawyer for real the first time after the holidays in order to weigh D more seriously against staying married and R.

Christmas sucked for me but was fun for my kids.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:33 PM, Monday, November 29th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8701670
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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

I don't want him to think we are ok just because i act "normal" infront of his family.
Since this is so fresh what if i break down with anxiety?! I mean i did at the grocery store with my mom Friday!

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8701673
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:30 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

I'm not sure what to tell you since the anxiety is so tough and we all react differently to it.

I guess this is where my "emotionally cool" feature comes in handy instead of being a complaint...

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:30 PM, Monday, November 29th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8701683
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 11:52 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

My Dday was also November 13th, long ago. My FWW and I didn't want family to know so we were very intent on acting like everything was normal. I was dancing the "pick me" dance hard and since my FWW always loved our Holidays I was very focused on keeping the Holidays as normal as possible. It was a very effective use of compartmentalization that pretty much kept me from associating any of those terrible times with the Holidays.

Me: 60, BS
Her: 59, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 199   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8701695
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 12:23 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

What if you just told your wayward husband " I'm going to try to act as normal as I can around family during the holidays, but don' even think things are okay between us" ( would that work?) Without knowing the usual dynamics for you and your husband, it's hard to advise you. I'm guessing that communication is already an issue. Just make sure you take care of yourself!

posts: 298   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8701701
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:05 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I white knuckled my way through it and cried a lot in the shower. I was 6 months out from DDay1 at that time.

I did the same thing after DDay 2/3. I was only 2 months out at that time.

Now - I am more healed. And take comfort knowing I carry an emergency Xanax with me at all times. I rarely have to use it. But feel ... more empowered knowing I have the option.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8701816
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 9:05 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

You are in a very tough spot. Nothing feels normal, nothing feels the same, and we're prone to crying (or at least I was) a lot.

I think if you can allow yourself some alone time to cry and to journal it may help you fake it in front of your family. This awful feeling will pass but not fast enough of course. Processing is the way to get to the other side thus the suggestion to journal and cry to get it out so the rest of the time you can manage a wee bit better.

Big hugs to you.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2726   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8701851
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 10:17 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Cancel it.
There is no mandatory attendance for Xmas activity. Let him go and take the kids.
If not then just cancel altogether and say that you are not feeling well, and can't expose others. This is essentially true. You don't feel well, and your anxiety could result in a total shitshow. If they choose to believe it's covid that's their choice.

I was in the early days of R when it was Xmas the first year. It was not good. I limited time with family on both sides, mine and his. It was too damn hard. Was it quieter and calmer Xmas for the kids, yes did it scar them? no. Did I survive it and put my needs first, yes as much as I thought was reasonable. No sin there.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19099   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8701869
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 11:01 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Thirty years as a trial lawyer handling, among other things, hundreds of divorces has revealed to me an undeniable pattern.

Nearly no one files for divorce between Halloween and New Years Day.

However, between Halloween and New Years Day:

1. Everyone who is in the process of getting a divorce demands that their divorce be completed "this year," and

2. Everyone who is divorced with children still subject to a parenting plan decides "now is the time to fuck with my ex spouse about parenting time over the holidays."

Then, on January 1, my phone rings off the hook with all the people who white knuckled it through the Halloween - New Years Day period so they "didn’t ruin the holidays" but by God their New Years Resolution #1 is "get divorced, immediately."

So……….pour yourself a drink, I recommend a White Knuckle.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 156   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8701880
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SomethingOminous ( new member #77393) posted at 8:07 AM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

Full disclosure. My Dday was Nov 14th last year, and tbh I think I pretty much rugswept and lived in denial land through the holidays last year and found out the day after Christmas that WH had been seeing the AP (COW) pretty regularly at work the entire time through Nov and Dec.

I didn't celebrate New Years, but made it through Christmas I suppose.

In retrospect, I wish I'd just spent that time doing something for myself. The holidays are tough.

[This message edited by SomethingOminous at 8:08 AM, Wednesday, December 1st]

BS (28) WH (20s) - Together 5 years
D-Day1 - 14.11.20 - discovered EA and PA with COW
D-Day 2 - 6-3-21 - discovered that WH had been online cheating for 4/5 years

'Limbo Land - this looks like a fun place to stay'

posts: 28   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8701921
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:04 AM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

I was 4-5 months out from discovery, and it was still brutal. Crying in the shower and keeping up a good face the rest of the time was how I managed it. But it sucked. I’m so sorry.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8701929
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:25 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

Crying in the shower and keeping up a good face the rest of the time was how I managed it.

I'm sensing a theme here. And also - even though I felt so very much alone in this, now take slight comfort knowing I was not. Not really. And - in spite of it all - quite normal.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8701932
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cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 3:38 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

It was very hard. They continued to work together. Firing her had been pushed back 8 months by Christmas. I was getting the run around by him and his work.

I was a zombie. I barely managed. I kept going in separate rooms. I kept busy serving cooking cleaning.

I got in my car and left him right after New Years. No plans. I just couldn’t do it another minute.

I stayed away until I could make a plan. I returned ready to start the divorce.

She was fired that day. Wow. How obvious.

My ex had a nervous breakdown. I don’t know his reason. Could he not lose her? Could he not lose me?

Years later. I now know he could not lose her

Be careful. This sweeping under the rug can become better for them It’s easier. They expect it. It can become a habit.

Make a plan and set a date to deal with these issues. Holidays pass. Time to work on things again.

It’s not just the first Christmas In my situation , every Christmas had it’s issues after the affair. After the divorce. It’s an emotional time. Healing takes time. Change things up. Do it different. I packed away some of the sentimental things and started fresh. It’s ok to change

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:46 PM, Wednesday, December 1st]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4756   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8701952
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 11:47 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

So not Thanksgiving or Christmas, but Dday #1 was 7 days before my birthday and Dday #2 was two days before my birthday.

My adult niece's birthday is also 2 days before mine (and coincided with Dday #2).

Dday 2 was explosive because I got confirmation from the unwitting AP (she was single & he was passing himself off as also single--so she was blindsided too) that it was an online sexual affair with pics, masterbation videos, and sexting.

So...3 days after Dday #2 was a combined family birthday party for niece and me.

This is how I got through the day and evening:
WH was VERY clear that we were not ok, but that I would try to act as normal as possible.

So ya, white knuckled it.

I did not drink or do any Rx meds because I was terrified that any loss of inhibition would send me over the edge and into a hysterical crying jag.

Told WH that if I felt a breakdown coming on, I would try to leave the room and HE would have to cover for me. If that happened, I would not also be responsible for creating any polite lies.

Told WH that if I acted off and someone noticed and asked, HE would have to cover. Again I had no extra capacity for polite social lies.

I did not break down and no one seemed to notice anything off. But I stayed VERY busy helping in the kitchen and stayed as far way from him as I could without it seeming obvious for the duration of the party. I tried to hang with others who were talkers so I didn't have to talk and, when I did share anything, it was only about work or our kids.

Even though I stayed away from him, WH kept a close eye on me throughout and checked in verbally & nonverbally quite a bit. (Likely partially to support me...and partially out of pure terror that I might freak out and air his dirty laundry very publicly to my family--who he is closer to than his own family).

Also, I instructed WH that I wanted no card or gift from him. The lack of card/gift went unnoticed at the party because the larger family assumed that these things had been given privately by him on my birthday (with just us and the kids) and my kids were told that my bigger gift was from them and him.

I have absolutely no recollection of what I got that year from anyone. I want no remembrances of that birthday.

Ps. If you see my tag line below, the unwitting AP was the first AP I discovered. There would be 2 more APs discovered in the next few days.

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day

posts: 108   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8702082
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:13 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

8 years ago today was Dday2. Then a few days later we had an unexpected family death. Beyond devastated is the only way to describe it.

I put up a world class performance in front of kids on Christmas Day.

I then went back to bed in the early afternoon. I did the best I could. We had no guests that day which made it easier for me.

You need to put yourself first. That’s all I can say. If you need to go and cry in another room — feel free to do so.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8702089
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:38 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

My Dday was 4 years ago today, December 2nd, so happy anniversary to me I guess. Yeah, CHRISTMAS sucked as we had everyone over and my MIL lived in our suite. Dud my best to white knuckle it. Everyone knew except the kids and one SIL/BIL who may or may not have Bern there.i honestly can't remember. It was agony. My STBXWW was acting as perfectly ascshe could putting on a show for everyone. People rolled their eyes afterwards at the display. I was cold but cordial.

Sitting in bed chuckling about it 4 years later, so I guess I've come a long way. But my family, at least my side, uses dark humour to cope. The next little is even long while will be tough.it will feel like it's killing you and you will wonder how you can possibly survive this. But survive you will, and you will also surprise yourself with the strength you had, but never knew.

It's going to be rough, but that's what we and this place us for. Keep posting and making yes of the aggregate wisdom and experience this place affords. Maybe one day you'll be sitting in bed having a morning cup of coffee and chuckling about how absurdly stupid you WS was and how you got through the worst time in your life.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8702102
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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 5:09 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Thank you for that. In this moment i cant see 4 years from now but i absolutely can't wait to heal from this i know i can do it but it will take time i just want it now.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8702138
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