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Divorce/Separation :
Filing tomorrow - so... how do I tell my spouse?

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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 4:19 AM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

I get the telling during the day part, but I really wanted to have a final interaction with my niece (it is her birthday party) before it all goes to hell. People have told me that she will understand but I just want one more 'pure' interaction before she might decide she doesn't like me or whatever. :) It's completely for me.

If it goes nuts, I have friends who are ready to help and there's a hotel not 5 minutes away.

Anyway this is what I'm after.

Wife:

I have decided that the marriage isn't salvageable and the romantic relationship has run its course. Your continued unfaithfulness has broken the marriage vows, and your unwillingness to seek help have damaged the relationship beyond repair.

I have retained a lawyer, this is a copy of the divorce decree that you will be officially receiving via certified mail this week. It will need to be signed for by you. You should look into getting a lawyer. I do not wish to discuss any further particulars outside of mediation or law offices.

I am going to talk to (24 year old kid at home) about this now, you are welcome to be with me as I do it, afterwards I am going to leave for a short time, but I will be back tonight.


Daughter:

First and always, I love you. I always will. I need you to understand none of this is your fault. I have decided that I cannot stay in this marriage because of your mom's continued unfaithfulness with other men, which I did not deserve. Your mom has cheated on me multiple times, and I feel she didn’t work on the things she needed to: to help fix why she did it repeatedly. Some day if you want, and when you're comfortable we can talk more about it, but please understand I have to do this for myself. I promise you, none of this is your fault.

[This message edited by lumpygravy at 5:21 PM, Sunday, November 28th]

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Divorcing.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8700561
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:27 AM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Thinking of you and your family.

How did it go?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3268   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8700620
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Still in the middle of it. It's extremely sad. We are getting a divorce. We are currently mourning it. Just talking through it. She will be leaving the house in a couple days.

I'll give more details soon.

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Divorcing.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8701679
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 7:35 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Sunday was my niece's (by marriage) Sweet 16 party, which featured a lot of WW's family. Two of her sisters, their kids and her brother and her mom. I wanted a pure day to see them to remember them. I pulled her sister away to talk to her, and she knew about the 2006 one. I told her I was going to split with WW, and she just yelled out in anguish. "Did she do it again?!" Yeah, she tried really hard to get with someone in 2016. I didn't get into the details. She said I have to leave WW, it's not healthy. Party was over around 6PM.

Sunday night I texted my wife to meet me in our theater room for to talk. I built that room a few years ago, but we don't talk in it much. I had a copy of the divorce papers in a folder along with my script. I tried to be as disconnected and factual as possible, I told her exactly what I wanted to say as above. She absolutely positively had zero idea this was going to happen. At first, she refused it, said she won't sign for it in the mail. I told her she had to and she needed a lawyer. If she didn't sign it an LEO serves her, and she does not want that. She still said she wouldn't sign. I then said she'd get a default judgement and she REALLY does not want that.

Lots of crying by both of us. Going through how hard this is going to be. Her begging. Pleading. Me saying I understand, but I can't.

WW felt we should tell 24yo daughter the next night, but she came down to check on us, and we just spilled with exactly what I was going to say above. She refused to believe it, cussed us out, played slam the doors, and went to her room. Texted us later she was going to play video games with a friend online. I told her that was a good way to get through this at this time.

I left for a bit to talk to her sister to soften the blow to my niece. I wanted to tell my niece so she knew the truth. Sister also had no idea. She was shocked, and in an unhappy marriage herself. She asked if I could talk to niece the following night.

Came home, WW and I cried a lot together. Emotions are just high. I know it's not the accepted way, I know. I don't want her to suffer, even after all I have been through. I wanted it to work and I practically killed myself to do it.

She's still staying in the house for now, but she is going to her mother's tomorrow night and start apartment shopping.

Yesterday I tried to work but one of my bosses got one look at me on a teleconference and told me to stop for the day, I was not in any shape to work. WW stayed home and we talked a lot about how things are going to change. How it's going to be hard. She made an appointment with an individual counselor. I told her she really has to work on herself to fix these things, I tried, and tried, but I couldn't force her to fix herself with therapy, she'd always quit and tell me to "not think about it." I told her that is what screwed us up. She knows, and she is facing consequences.

Talked to daughter, and gave her all of the details, only obscuring the absolute facts of the texts and messages. She didn't know anything about them. She wants to stay with me.

Visited my niece and told her. I held her hand just because I was afraid I'd never see her again, she would hate me, etc. She was shellshocked. I told her I was sorry and that I felt guilty. She said she still felt I was her uncle. I hoped so. I feel like shit about all of this.

WW looked at apartments and just couldn't. They are cold and empty, but it's also the reality. Of course, I feel bad for her, but I cannot fix it.

So here we are today, still sad. Both of us. Knowing it must happen, and I cannot put the genie back in the bottle any more than she can "take the affairs back." They happened; this is happening. It must. She will get papers delivered to her tomorrow or Thursday.

[This message edited by lumpygravy at 7:48 PM, Tuesday, November 30th]

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Divorcing.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8701836
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:20 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

The fact that your wife was both blindsided by your decision to file and thought she could stop the process by simply refusing to sign for the papers is indicative of both her foolishness and her hubris. It's not like you didn't communicate your unhappiness; you ran off to a hotel because you couldn't stand being around her, for goodness sakes! Then, when she begged you to come home, you told her exactly what you needed from her in order to stay married and let her know that she had 2 weeks to start putting her promises into action. Her response was to do nothing... because she wholeheartedly believed that you were going to waste away the rest of your life in a relationship without trust or intimacy, and that she would be able to stonewall any attempt you made to extricate yourself from this miserable situation. She really has some nerve.

Please keep this in mind if you start beating yourself over your decision or if anyone makes you feel guilty for filing, including your wife, daughter, your wife's family, or even yourself. Also, be prepared for her to get nasty once the shock wears off and the reality of her predicament fully hits her, particularly if she experiences any kind of shaming and judgment from family members or your shared social circle. Given the sheer audacity of her behavior and the incredulity with which she responded to your decision to end the marriage, don't assume that she will conduct herself with dignity or decency. Just remember... you would've met her halfway if she had been willing to put in the effort. You gave her years to make this right, but she squandered that time.

We're here for you if you need us.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 606   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8701853
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 7:52 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

Blue is right. It will likely take a little time, distance, and grieving the marriage you thought you had/wish you had before it fully sinks in. None of us who had to take this route were really ready to accept it at this stage but eventually we did and found a greater happiness and peace in our new beginnings. It will be okay and you will get through it as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

posts: 5082   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8701991
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

Blue that was a hell of a post.

I am taking it one day at a time. She's moved out, but we're trying to stay friends through it all, and I hope it stays that way. I'm telling her not to be in bargaining mode, but if things go well, we can stay friends. I hope so. I really do want her to get help. I also am going to protect myself.

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Divorcing.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8701993
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 8:47 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

You are taking the path you need to in order to get out of infidelity. It certainly is tough about former in-laws aka nieces. I saw one of my nieces (XW's sister's daughter) for the first time in over a year. I'm still her "Uncle" and she wisely said, "Let's not take so long until next time! I miss you." My X has pretty much alienated her family, so, they still want me to be a part of their lives.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 363   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8701998
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 1:17 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

LG

How are you holding up?

Me -FWS

posts: 1898   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8702566
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 7:50 AM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

I'm doing *okay* with it. I've been staying out later, not feeling like I have to be beholden to anyone. Went to a party on Saturday night and kinda felt like an 11th wheel so I excused myself to go home. Tonight, went to another different party with friends and had a wonderful time with great conversation.

There are other parts that I kinda... don't want to talk about because I'm afraid it could be used as some sort of admission. But I am trying to stay friendly and amicable, and it has worked out so far.

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Divorcing.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8702771
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 2:53 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

lumpy, it is normal to be struggling right now, you are dealing with a lot. Don't blame yourself for experiencing emotions. Just don't let the emotions control you.

I'm not sure what you mean by an admission. No one is here to judge you, just give you advice based on our experiences. Don't share anything you don't want to.

The more you can distance yourself from your STBXWW, the better off you will be. If you haven't started the 180, you should. I know it helped me more than anything else I can think of.

Good luck, stay strong and keep working on your healing.

posts: 1583   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8702782
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