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My nephew, who is living in one of our houses and working for my husband, has an issue with alcohol and maybe drugs.

This situation is triggering so many infidelity-related issues. I'm feeling a loss of control over my life, sad, confused, hopeless, and not even sure I know the truth about the situation. I've tried for days to make this post to ask for help, but I am struggling to express my thoughts and feelings. I'm not even certain what type of help to ask for right now.

My husband and I own a handful of houses in the area. The idea is to fully remodel them and rent them out for un-earned income. The houses and our financial portfolio will allow us to back away from our jobs.

Last fall, my husband spoke to my nephew who is in his early 20s, living at home, and working landscaping jobs to ask if he would like to come down to our area and work on the houses. He offered to let him live in one of the houses, expenses paid, and we would pay him for the work. We know this nephew well. He declined, but my other nephew who was temporarily living with my brother and SIL said that he would like to do it. We don't know this nephew, early 30s, well. His father, my other brother, divorced when his son was young. Still, we agreed.

Our nephew has been living in our house, about 5 doors down from us, for over a year. After he came, one of my brothers told me he was a good worker if you can keep him off the bottle. My SIL called and told me several things, including that my nephew drank too much when he lived with them.

Within the first month, my nephew got very drunk at our house one night. I'm talking falling down drunk where I was worried for his safety and not sure he could even walk home. My husband spoke to him after and told him that it was unacceptable. My nephew hasn't done it since. My nephew started to spend time daily with his nextdoor neighbors, often drinking at their house. They became close friends. We had lived in that house previously, and we know the nextdoor neighbors well.

On and off, the neighbor has told me she's worried about my nephew. She's mentioned drinking, but she also tells me things that seem like additional drama where she wants me to get in the middle, and I find it inappropriate. For example, she mentioned my nephew is not showering every day, and that he was doing laundry at their house because the washing machine in our house was broken. When she told me, I said my nephew is an adult in his 30s and capable of talking to us about the washing machine himself. Also, she should tell him if she didn't want him doing laundry there. She would tell me things like, "Oh. You don't even know half of what is going on there." Her drama would piss me off, and I would ignore it.

I don't fully trust my neighbor. I believe I caught her lying to me about a year ago. She told me something that my husband told her I said about her. It wasn't something I said. I repeated what she said immediately and asked her if my husband said that to her. She backed off and said, "Well, maybe something like that. I can't remember." I asked my husband who claims he didn't say it. I believe him.

In the past year, things have been going ok with my nephew and the work according to my husband. It's not always great, but it has been helpful and worth it. Again, my nephew has all expenses paid including gas for his car and a phone. He's welcome anytime for dinner or to go through our fridge and cupboards for breakfast/lunch. He gets paid cash weekly.

About a week ago, my neighbor said that my nephew wasn't welcome at their house anymore. She said he had been drinking their liquor during the day, even when they weren't home. He is working on our house next door or the one down the street. My husband isn't always there, but he has another person working on the houses too.

One of the first things my husband told my nephew when he came here is that he could not drink or smoke pot, at all, while he was working because it's too dangerous for him and everyone else around him. When my husband heard about the day drinking from my neighbor, he spoke to my nephew and told him that he knew he was drinking during the day and it was unacceptable. That was last Thursday. On Friday, the other person working on the houses for my husband told him that they need to talk. He said my nephew was drinking during the day, among other things. He gave him proof, definitively, that my nephew had been drinking that Friday, the day after my husband and nephew talked.

My husband and I decided to take the weekend to decide what to do. On Saturday, my neighbor told me that my nephew had brought home crystal meth last month when he went to visit his mother. I don't know what to believe. My neighbors clearly want my nephew gone. However, they have encouraged this whole thing up until last week. But really, that's not my problem or an area of focus for me. My neighbor also has me so confused and doubting myself. She asked if I was sure that we originally made it clear to my nephew that he weren't going to support him and give him somewhere to live forever. She said that was his expectation. Ugh. Really?

On Monday morning, my husband and I talked with my nephew. We are giving him one more chance. We bought a portable breathalyzer over the weekend and told him it was a condition of continuing to work, and that he wasn't welcome to stay if he wasn't working. We also told him there was a zero tolerance for any drugs in the house other than a small amount of marijuana for personal use. We told him previously, and again, that if anything gets around our son he is immediately gone.

I asked my husband last night how its going with our nephew. He said our nephew told him he's hurt that we would think he's a "dope fiend" or something similar. Our nephew said that he had worked hard to get off drugs years ago. Some time in the past year he had mentioned this to us. My husband told me today that my nephew is "taking the day", so not working.

I don't know what to think. Some one is lying. I feel so helpless and confused. I hate this. I know that if my nephew is an alcoholic or drug addict, this situation is incredibly enabling and bad for him. The only experience I have with a similar situation is my nephew's father, my brother. The two are so similar in personality and charm. They both know how to say what you want to hear. I enabled that situation about 20-25 years ago, and I've always regretted how I handled it.

If anyone has any advice or insight, I'd appreciate it.

I'm so sorry you are in this awful triggering situation. It sounds like you are trying to give your nephew a great opportunity and he at the very least has put that in jeopardy.

I have zero experience in this area so keep that in mind. The breathalyzer sounds like a good idea. I'm not sure why anyone would object if they have nothing to hide.

Is pot legal where you are? This is just my opinion but if it is not, I would not allow that in a house that I own. I also don't think it is a good idea for him to have if he is an addict. Again, that is just opinion.

As far as your nephew being hurt because you think he is a dope fiend, well, too bad. You are doing a nice thing for him. He screwed up by getting fall down sloppy drunk so he needs to own his mistakes and accept the consequences.

Good luck!!!

Addicts are accomplished liars. Please know that.

The worker who came to your H is proof that there is an issue. This nephew needs professional help. He doesn’t have the ability to "stop" drinking on his own.

I don’t know if he’s doing drugs but I would not be surprised.

You need to tell him his only choices are rehab and therapy OR he has to leave.

He has run out of chances. Sorry to say. And letting him stay in the home and drink while pretending to work is just enabling the situation and allowing it to continue.

He needs professional support to kick his addiction(s).

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:53 PM, Thursday, November 18th]

Thank you all for the replies. Early on, my nephew did talk about depression and past hurt from his upbringing, including my brother and his issues. My husband had many talks with him and bought him books on depression like Journey from Abandonment to Healing. We offered therapy. My nephew hasn't shown any initiative there. When we spoke to him on Monday about his drinking, he again mentioned depression.

My husband did offer rehab to him as an option on Monday. Honestly, after what I went through with my brother, I don't think I'm willing to walk that path with my nephew.

I realized I am also so disappointed in my neighbors and mourning the loss of that friendship. I felt anger earlier, but I'm really sad about all this. My nephew referred to my neighbor as his second mom, and I truly thought they were good friends acting in his best interests. I know this isn't their fault or responsibility. I'm still disappointed though.

…my nephew got very drunk at our house one night

…house other than a small amount of marijuana for personal use.

Our nephew said that he had worked hard to get off drugs years ago.

ANY use – ANY "small amount" is like bringing a sixpack of beer to an AA meeting.

Addicts can’t be semi-sober or partially-sober or "personal use" sober or whatever. Addicts might have a drug-of-choice but will use any substitute if needed. If he had to "work hard" to get off drugs in the past, then he probably wasn’t a recreational every-second-weekend user or snorts an occasional line of coke type of user. That type can quit and don’t really need hard work to do so.

As a general rule a person dealing with addiction that really wants to quit will abstain from ALL intoxicants. Someone dealing with alcoholism won’t succeed by staying off booze but replacing the high with pot. Nor can a coke-head stay off the coke by switching to vodka. There are exceptions, but I venture that over 95% of those serious about their sobriety won’t risk it by trying some other intoxicant.

There are some that manage a "controlled" usage. Someone might get off opioids but stick to pot. But as far as addiction is concerned that’s not recovery per se but more a managed decent into chaos.

He might be depressed. That is a real possibility. It might be due to his addiction, but frankly it might also be a diversion to focus the attention from his addiction to something he’s more willing to sacrifice. I truly think that if he is depressed then the correct process would be to deal with the addiction before/alongside the depression.

Based solely on what you share: I think he’s an addict. Be it an alcoholic or drug addict. Based on what you share it’s not recreational drinking, but also done over the day and while working. That’s not "normal". That’s not the accepted one beer before dinner and maybe one after doing the dishes.
He can strongly indicate he isn’t by agreeing to abstain from intoxicants for an extended period (say 6 months) but IMHO he would be even better off by attending some form of rehab – maybe AA meetings or something of the same irk.

What you need to be careful about is the codependency and how deep and far you are willing to get involved. As an addict he will grab whatever finger is offered and then chew his way up your arm. IMHO being loving and supportive but firm is the way to go.

Bigger,

OK. I am trying to get there in my mind about what I am willing to accept with or without verification. My older brother also told me that we should demand fully abstaining from everything. I could demand that where and when I see it. Where I get stuck is that I'm not willing to enforce or babysit to the extent necessary. My husband is not willing to do that either. In fact, he has said if he can't trust my nephew and has to use the breathalyzer, he doesn't want my nephew there.

I don't see how I can believe what my nephew tells me now. A one-time drug test costs about $30 from the pharmacy. I'm not willing to regularly pee test my nephew. He seems to be abstaining from everything now. He spends more time with us. My husband said he's better.

The depression may be real. It is likely real. If my nephew won't actively take actions to treat it, what is my responsibility then? What is my responsibility in any case?

What you need to be careful about is the codependency and how deep and far you are willing to get involved. As an addict he will grab whatever finger is offered and then chew his way up your arm.

This hits me hard. That is the story with my brother who is my nephew's father. I enabled my brother's addiction; unknowingly until I found out, but I still did it. I hope to learn from that.

After letting it sink into my brain, the story of the crystal meth is likely true. About a month and a half ago, my neighbor dropped my nephew off to visit his mother while on a personal trip and picked him back up on her return a few weeks later. She said on the interstate ride home that my nephew asked her to slow down because he had enough crystal meth for them both to get a felony conviction. What she told me the other weekend is that he didn't have anymore. And also that her husband had smoked some with him.

I was in shock. I'm not familiar with drugs. My experience is trying weed a few times in high school and deciding it wasn't for me. My husband is the same. I can't imagine my normal, adult neighbors smoking crystal meth or my nephew either. But I also can't imagine them making up a story like that.

As my husband pointed out, my neighbor didn't stop the car and tell my nephew to get rid of it or get out. We would have done that. She also didn't tell me right away when they got home. She waited until it was gone, and I can't do anything about it or prove anything. My husband says he personally wants to ask our neighbor (the husband), because he wants to hear what he has to say. I just don't see how that matters anymore.

Keep in mind your nephew isn’t your brother and you aren’t the same person that possibly enabled your brother’s addiction. People change, mature, grow and learn.

Based on what you share about his father’s addiction I am certain he is an addict. Keep in mind all I have is what you share. I might be totally off. Addiction is SO hereditary.

Your responsibility? Well – you aren’t responsible for his use. You aren’t responsible for his sobriety or whatever. If you feel you have an ethical responsibility, then it might be that you are responsible to give him the tools and opportunity to sober up. However – it will always be HIS responsibility to grab whatever chance he is offered. At some point you need to be willing to step back and let him teeter away to his own destruction.

I might be old-fashioned, but to me it’s not normal to grab whatever intoxicant is available. I won’t have a beer and then go looking for happy mushrooms, smoke some meth and chase it down with LSD. Based on my work-environment, family and friends then drinking during work, doing drugs… it’s not normal. Be it your nephew or the neighbors or whatever.

What I would suggest is the following: Look up an Al Anon association in your area. Ask to speak to someone regarding dependency, enablement and a possible intervention. Chances, they will connect you to an experienced AA person that might be willing to be your nephew’s sponsor or at least partake in an intervention. When you have everything ready then talk to your nephew. Offer him the support to be sober. IMHO what he’s doing now won’t cut it – sobriety is so much more than simply abstaining.

Bump by request

I asked this to be bumped to give an update.

The situation has become worse, as anyone who has experience with substance abuse could have probably predicted.

We stuck with the boundary of no working while drinking and no drugs. It was our original agreement with our nephew, and we felt comfortable with it being an ultimate boundary.

Over Thanksgiving, I had the opportunity to speak with my brother and SIL who my nephew had being living with before he came here. They gave me background and perspective. I also wanted to let them know what was happening in case my nephew wanted to move back with them. They both said they felt my nephew was immature and behaved in ways you would expect of a younger child. My brother said my nephew told him he was trying to get away from a situation involving Meth and that my nephew's mother's boyfriend was involved. My nephew originally showed up at his dad's, my other brother, hoping to live there. My brother is clean and sober (6 months-1 year) and living in public supported housing. He can't have people move in and asked my brother if my nephew could stay with him.

One thing my SIL said is that my nephew would always have a place to stay with them, but she would have to re-evaluate and make stricter rules. I realized I didn't feel that way. I don't feel obligated to give my 30+ year old nephew permanent room and board. He hasn't been responsible with our property and possessions, but we've let that slide because, well really no excuse. I started to notice that my nephew's language indicated he expected us to give him room and board indefinitely. We let my nephew know in late November that we expected him to find his own place when the house he was in was finished, probably late spring.

Things were ok at work for a while. My husband started to hear from subcontractors that my nephew was complaining and saying he should get a raise. Not a big deal, we're pretty thick skinned. It is naive of my nephew not to realize that complaints would come straight back to my husband though.

About two weeks ago, they were working at the house and my nephew almost fell through the attic. They're doing finishing work like painting and installing vanities. There would be no reason to be in the attic. My nephew and the other worker had words and my nephew just left. It was around noon. My husband may have been in the house, but he didn't witness the episode. That evening, my husband told me about it and we talked about monitoring more closely for drinking. Less than an hour later, we got a call from a friend of my nephews saying he needed help getting my nephew in the house and up to his room. Nephew was totally drunk. He told my husband he was going to quit and go work for an associate of ours. My husband told him that no one is going to want a drunk working for them, and that person had been talking to husband about working for him anyway. The next morning my husband found out that nephew had been drinking with a mutual acquaintance who told him not to come over because he was quarantined for covid. This man said our nephew was drunk when he showed up.

So, we talked to my nephew and told him we were done. He wasn't working with us, and he had to move out. We offered help in transportation or an apt deposit. We also suggested resources for help. My husband told him he would allow him back in the distance future after he had shown that he had put in the work and gotten serious help. I think or maybe suspect that my nephew really believes it was the words said to my husband when he was drunk, and that we were angry. It wasn't the words, and we weren't angry.

The last two weeks have been quiet. Nephew is still living in the house updating my husband of his progress periodically. It's not promising. He's said he doesn't feel AA is for him because there's too much religious talk. He's said he has leads on places to stay and jobs. Nephew said he's been sober three weeks and asked to work part-time as needed. I think a newly sober person would know it's been two weeks and not three. My husband told him no, but he misses his help and skills and has no doubt if he deals with his issues he will do well in the future. Nephew has said he doesn't feel abstinence is for him.

We decided to talk to nephew and give him a final move out date. We were supposed to talk Friday evening, but my nephew didn't show up. He came over Saturday afternoon. He said he didn't show up the evening before because I didn't answer his text about what time. ok. He wanted to talk then, but I told him husband was downstairs working and that he was working weekends to try to keep the projects on schedule. I said we'd let him know when we could talk. He asked to borrow my car on Sunday morning to go to church and said they had an NA meeting later in the week he wanted to check out. I said ok. He also wanted to pick up the cash from checks my husband cashed for him. I sent nephew a text later saying we'd get together at his house at 5:00 on Sunday.

Sunday morning I left my car when I went to run errands. My nephew never showed up. Husband and I went over to the house nephew is in mid-morning. Husband painted about 4-5 hours. I took the red paper/cardboard off the floors and vacuumed/mopped for 3-4 hours, concentrating on the kitchen. The cabinet makers are installing this week. Nephew stayed in his room. When we got home, I mentioned to my husband that I cleaned up the mud mess my nephew left on the new wall when he was drunk last time. I told my husband if you want to show that you're sober and responsible, cleaning up the mess you made when you were drunk would have been a start. My husband said that he agreed and was leaving it there to see if our nephew would clean it himself.

Nephew came over to our place around 5:00. He said he was doing better than he had been in 6 years. He said he was planning to check out the NA meetings at the church and that they were on Sat morning and Sun evening. The day before he told me they were later in the week. Then nephew said he needed a hand up because of the traffic tickets he had gotten recently and wanted to come back to work to make money. I said no, I was absolutely not willing to do that. What I didn't tell my husband until after our nephew left was that I could smell alcohol on my nephew. Not necessarily active alcohol but that smell like after a big night drinking. I suggested he ask his mother for help with the tickets. They were for no registration and proof of insurance. Nephew told us he was renewing registration when he went to visit his mother this summer. In fact we sent him copies of paperwork when he was there. His car is registered there, and his mother carries his insurance. We gave a move out date of March 1. I suppose this may get worse before it gets better. It seems the lies are piling up. Nephew has lived here with no bills and take home pay of $600+/ week, and he has no money. I'm guessing there's a serious drug issue.

Oooof HT, this is hard to read. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Bottom line here is this though - ANY 'help' you give him, any money, any time, any 'let me borrow your car', any 'let's have a talk' etc - ANY of that just enables him to stay addicted. I know that seems cold and uncaring, but it's the truth. Active addicts are master manipulators and they will take the slightest sign of help or compassion and use the person doing it as much as they can. Like sharks. Any kindness you show is a drop of blood in the water and they will feed on it and they are not capable of caring about the damage they do in the process.

IMHO the only way to deal with an active addict is by laying down a hard and fast boundary and then stickin to it, no matter what.

It's a sad reality for the people who love an addict to accept that for some addicts, their rock bottom is dead. And if it is, there's not a damn thing you or anyone else can do about it.

Sending hugs - this is so hard and heart breaking.

I agree with EllieK and buffers Nov posts.

AlAnon helped me a ton (both WRT my addict kid, but also WRT infidelity)

Even just a few meetings can be beneficial to help us regroup on boundaries and remind us to differentiate help vs enabling. I really recommend it. They also have a book called something like "courage to heal" that has daily stories that I use as a check-in

There a new TV show called single drunk female that I’m really enjoying. In an early episode the addict is in financial straights and goes to her sponsor for guidance. One thing the sponsor says is something like: addressing your addiction includes adulting.

Watching an addict who can’t get help is heartbreaking. We can see them drowning, but they just can’t. We can throw life jacket after life jacket… and they wont put it on it’s so darned hard sometimes.

Thank you all for the suggestions of Al Anon. I'm not sure why, but I thought it was just an abbreviation for Alcoholics Anonymous. I will look into the resources.

Ellie,

I know any help can be enabling. I feel responsible for my nephew being here, away from family and in our property. We were offering him transportation to get a Uhaul and move home or with another relative. After smelling alcohol on him yesterday, I realized that I can't loan him my car again ever. I don't know how he'll get around if his registration is expired and he has outstanding tickets.

His car in general has been an issue. He left it at my younger brother's house, expecting my brother and other nephew to fix it. My brother later said the car had been sitting there for months and my nephew didn't show any willingness to help work on it, so it was low priority to him. Eventually, our nephew's mom and boyfriend brought it down. My husband wanted to buy a decent truck for our nephew. He thought he could find one for $5-7k. I pointed out that our nephew was making enough money to buy a truck if that was a priority. Then my husband suggested us buying the truck and our nephew making payments. I said I'd at least like to see him save up a decent down payment.

I do think some of this is adulting 101. I would really like to see my nephew get it together. He was valedictorian of his HS class and had a full college scholarship. He dropped out after a year or two. I heard stories of him rolling his car while drinking, etc. That was maybe the start of his substance problems. The majority of my family just didn't hear from my nephew for several years after that.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. No good deed, right?
Anyway I will third the advice on Al-Anon for yourself and your H.
This kid needs an eye opener to pull it together, and get on the right track. Sometimes that is easily done when they lose everything, sometimes it takes more than that.

What I want you to know is that you are doing the absolute right thing.
You must protect yourselves, your well being, and your lives. It is up to him and him alone of getting well. You can support him and offer to take him to meetings, but no more financial assistance when the move out date arrives.

If he comes back and claims he is sober, and wants to work then you set firm boundaries that include breathalyzers, and random drug tests. The cost of those come out of his pay. No wavering. Stand strong. If he does do some of the work, he will get why you need this reassurance.

HT I know how hard it is - I grew up with an alcoholic mom.

And I know how cold this sounds, but these:

Again, my nephew has all expenses paid including gas for his car and a phone.

He's 30 something? Honey if you want to pay for a phone and gas I will give you my venmo. It's not your responsibility to pay for these things for a grown-ass person.

The depression may be real. It is likely real. If my nephew won't actively take actions to treat it, what is my responsibility then? What is my responsibility in any case?

The depression probably is real, but if HE is not willing to do anything, then you have NO responsibility here.

I feel responsible for my nephew being here, away from family and in our property.

Nope - he is a grown person and made a decision. Not your responsibility.

We were offering him transportation to get a Uhaul and move home or with another relative.

Not your responsibility.

I don't know how he'll get around if his registration is expired and he has outstanding tickets.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. And guess what? As long as he has people fussing over him and worrying about his problems, he can keep NOT worrying about them or growing the hell up. As long as people are making arrangements for him, he doesn't have to figure anything out.

His car in general has been an issue. He left it at my younger brother's house, expecting my brother and other nephew to fix it. My brother later said the car had been sitting there for months and my nephew didn't show any willingness to help work on it, so it was low priority to him. Eventually, our nephew's mom and boyfriend brought it down.

Charlie Brown's teacher (wah wah wah) - not your problem or responsibility. He's a grown ass person - HIS car is HIS responsibility. But here again, look how you and your husband and his mom and her bf fussing over/worrying over an issue FOR him has resulted in him getting what he wants without having to do anything.

My husband wanted to buy a decent truck for our nephew. He thought he could find one for $5-7k. I pointed out that our nephew was making enough money to buy a truck if that was a priority. Then my husband suggested us buying the truck and our nephew making payments. I said I'd at least like to see him save up a decent down payment.

Oh noooooo. No. Trusting an active addict to be responsible enough/caring enough to 'make payments' is like giving a toddler a flamethrower and trusting they won't burn the house down. Not a good idea imho.

And this:

He was valedictorian of his HS class and had a full college scholarship.

Ding ding ding. He ain't stupid HT. He is more than capable of being a responsible grown person, but he won't so long as he has someone to take advantage of.

Allllll of these thoughts I have quoted here are examples of enabling behavior. Trust me when I tell you I know how easy it is to do this as a caring and compassionate human and how very hard it is to say no - it feels 'mean' and uncaring to say no. But bottom line is that enabling an addict is CRIPPLING them - it isn't helping them at ALL. And it hurts YOU more than you even know.

God love you for wanting to get him well, but much like a wayward spouse - HE has to want help. HE has to want to get better. HE has to be willing to work at getting better. Or it ain't happening no matter what. And no matter how well-intentioned you are, you will just make yourself crazy trying to do this for someone who isn't ready or willing.

tushnurse,

Thanks. If I'm kind of honest, I'm tired of this. Seeing my husband falling asleep on the couch at 5:00pm last night while my nephew was asking for money did upset me a bit. My husband is working nights and weekends because my nephew let us down. My nephew is so deep in his mess that he just doesn't see or care how it affects anyone else. At this point, I want him to not be my problem anymore. But, I don't want to make him my brothers' problem either. And honestly the thought of my nephew being on the street or in jail is so hard.

Ellie,

Ouch! Damn that was all hard to hear, but I KNOW that you are right. With all of it. We are enabling my nephew. I need to carefully evaluate our next steps.

Ouch! Damn that was all hard to hear, but I KNOW that you are right. With all of it. We are enabling my nephew. I need to carefully evaluate our next steps.

Hugs to you HT - it is so so SO hard loving an active addict and stopping the enabling behaviors is really difficult to do. AlAnon could help you a lot with that - it helps to know that what you're doing and how you're feeling are way normal and struggling with how to do things differently is also very normal. Hang in there!!

Ellie's advice is spot on. Run with it!

But, I don't want to make him my brothers' problem either. And honestly the thought of my nephew being on the street or in jail is so hard.

Even that is not your problem. It is up to your brother to decide how he will deal with it if your nephew goes to him and tries to manipulate him; and no rescuing your brother But yes, it is against our nature to allow someone to fail to the point of ending up on the street or in jail. But he has to hit his rock bottom, not you or your brother. There are plenty of ways you can support him without enabling him.

Look at what this has done to just the two of you so far. Your H is exhausted. That can't be good to be doing construction work when you're exhausted. But that's the place your nephew has put you in. I just hope your H doesn't have any kind of accident from not being alert enough!

Your nephew needs more than AA. He needs to go to a dual diagnosis in-patient treatment program.

My adult DD is a recovering drug addict. It wasn't until her 4th in-patient program that things clicked. Because she was finally being treated for her mental health, as well as her addiction.

She has been clean for 5 years. But, before that, it was 10 years of complete hell with her. Meth is what finally brought her to her bottom.

The helping vs enabling can be so hard to navigate. I was way too willing to be there for her, time after time. I was saving her, or so I thought. She finally pushed me too far. Long story short....I kicked her out. She went on a complete drug fueled mental breakdown. It was her bottom. She went to treatment again. The one that has worked so far. She is being treated for her mental health still.

You can't save him. He has to realize he is out of soft places to land.

Tell him of dual diagnosis treatment.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry he is going through what he is going through too.

The best thing I was ever told by one of my DD's counselors at treatment was "Don't let your child's choices destroy YOUR life"

Thank you all for discussing this with me and for the advice on resources.

It's unlikely that my nephew would chose an in-patient treatment program. He won't even go to an AA meeting when he's never been to one. He's promising because he thinks it will persuade us to continue helping him financially. He's in the stage where he believes he isn't the problem. Everyone else is the problem.

I had a long talk with my husband last night. We haven't had time lately to discuss feelings around the issue. Instead we discuss the basics of what we will do and "what if" scenarios. I've largely let my husband decide on how to handle the situation since my nephew is working for him.

My husband feels manipulated by the mental health part of this. Our d-day was 5+ years ago, and my husband has been through his own therapy and exploration of FOO issues and mental health. He's been supportive and accommodating every time my nephew has brought up mental health issues up until about a month ago. He's offered and suggested resources. Anytime my nephew has mentioned he's depressed or stressed, my husband will give him time off to work on himself. Now, my husband is seeing that my nephew isn't doing anything to help himself. To my husband's credit, he took the initiative with the mental work himself after D-day. He still occasionally will mention that he's re-listening to an infidelity-related or other audio book and will bring up topics.

I think one turning point for my husband with my nephew was talking to my brother and SIL. The stories my nephew told them about himself and his issues were totally different then what he told us.

Still, I can't help to think my nephew probably does have mental issues. I think most substance abusers do.

One interesting thing I've been thinking is that we have responsible young adult children. We would never let them get away with half of the things we let my nephew do. I don't "parent" my nephew. If he asks for something, I say yes or no. I don't discuss values or my reasoning behind my actions.

We tend to see mental problems as someone strapped in a strait jacket thinking he’s Napoleon while pulling the legs of a cockroach. Fact is most of us have some mental issue – be it insecurity, anxiety… whatever. I think something like 10% of the population has some medical intervention due to mental issues. Yet we function in society with our issues.

Your nephew might need medical mental health.
But even Freud reincarnated can’t help him get mental health when your nephew insists on altering his mental state with substance.
The first, second, third and fourth step towards his health is sobriety.

This is the classic can lead a horse to water but cant make him drink scenario.

My suggestion:
Don’t ask him if he has a substance abuse issue. Tell him. It’s not "do you think that maybe you need help for your drinking/drugging?" but rather "Nephew – you are an active addict and it’s negatively impacting you".

Tell him "No – no money, no car, no financial help but here is a meal and there is the couch where you can sleep every now and then as long as you do not use any substances here".

When he asks for help: "this church is where the local AA meet every day at 7PM. I can give you a lift here if you want".
Asks for money for shoes: "What size? I’ll get you some".

Does he want to do AA? Not really an issue. If I have a toothache I might not want to go to the dentst but that’s where I end up anyways.
Doesn’t like the religious aspect? There are AA groups – even those that meet in churches – that are atheist based. It’s the same program being used in Indiana, India and Iran.
Wants another program? If nothing else AA is based on the participants commitment. Maybe if he does the suggested 30 meetings in 30 days many AA groups advocate for beginners then he’s shown enough commitment to go to a treatment facility.