Newest Member: AcesEights

Divorce/Separation :
I have reached the end of my marriage

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 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 7:21 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Going to be filing this week. I always told myself that cheating was a deal breaker for me. I spent the last 2 years trying to get over it and work it out with my STBXWW but I just couldn't get past it, and she couldn't be bothered to do the tough work on herself to do what she can to save us. I still don't think I have the whole truth, but I never will. I have put off my own healing and progress because I had no idea what I was being asked to forgive.


I will be made out to be the bad guy. Remains to be seen if she will try to burn my life to the ground, she doesn't want to divorce. I want her to keep the house because what am I going to do with a 4 bedroom house? My stepdaughter has her own room and so do my 2 children, I don't want to disrupt their lives. So far she doesn't want to hear anything about her keeping the house, she doesn't want it, this was supposed to be our family home (yes, she is right on that, I busted my ass for 3 years to buy it and as soon as we move in she started her affair). I am getting it remodeled so we will see what she says when it's all new and shinny, I think she will reverse course on keeping the house then, I hope. Can't rent a 2 bed for that cost per month.


6 months waiting period in MI with kids, so 6 months to renovate the house and work on improving her credit so she can refi and buy me out. Going to shoot for 50-50 custody and stay in their school district.

On top of it all, my company is being sold and I will have to start looking for a new job. I hate change so the next 6 months are going to be rough to say the least.


I will post an update when the papers are served.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8697566
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EyesOpened50 ( member #54610) posted at 7:40 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Plan for the worst but hope for the best - sounds like you're moving forward and that's a good thing!!
Make sure you look after yourself whilst the transition is going through, it won't be easy but you will get there and onto pastures new!!

posts: 69   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8697572
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:27 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Why renovate the house. Save those funds. Its going to be her house, let her deal with the updating. That is not a good cost strategy for you, even if your kids live there.

50/50 should be a minimum, if not, hire an attorney.

Staying in the same school district should be written into the decree, and no moving beyond 25 miles as well.

Good luck with the D. If you don't want to be made to be the bad guy, make sure everyone knows your WW cheated and that is the reason you can no longer stay married. Name the AP, so that your kids, family and friends will know if this creep comes around after your D. and tries to shack up with our WW. Everyone will know they caused this mess and breakup.

posts: 1187   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8697596
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 10:01 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

she doesn't want to divorce.

You made your needs for possible reconciliation known and she responded with empty words and heel dragging, half hearted actions. She would have rather watched you eat your pain than offer accountability. Good luck going forward.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8697607
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:06 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Concentrate on saving yourself and your kids first. You can only control you and your time with the kids.

Let her figure out her end. She’s a cake eater.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697608
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 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 11:21 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Hey Halftime, renovating is fine with me right now, then appraisal. Then payout.


May as well get my money out of it.


The alternative is no renovation, she doesn't want to keep house, I have a hard time making a profit in it's current condition.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8697620
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 2:00 AM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Some advice to you from my hellish divorce: DO NOT CONCEDE THE MARITAL HOME TO HER!!!

I was similar to you in that I wanted my ex wife and kids to have the stability that went with the marital home, so I was quick to offer that I was going to move out. Then, my xWW decide to make me into the bad guy and to burn my life to the ground (using your words).

We had a full-on battle for custody, which she "won" because the kids told our custody evaluator that they just wanted to stay in the house and to not have their lives disrupted any more than they already had. I don't blame my kids for thinking that; I mean, I was thinking that too, right? However, by giving up the house so soon, I basically gave up 50% custody too.

So, I recommend that you become non-committal on the marital home and use that as a negotiating tool for custody of your kids.

As far as renovating the house, meh... there really is no wrong answer here. You will probably get somewhere close to everything that you put into it when you go to sell.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5141   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8697636
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Mac1976 ( new member #42288) posted at 4:57 AM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Do. Not. Leave. Your. Home. Ever!!! I know I was looked on unfavorably in court as a result of leaving my home. I left it for her for the same reasons you shared. If I could go back in time, I’d renovate the locks, put my ex on the other side of the door and keep my kids w me. And I’m not even close to kidding. You’ve not met a woman til you’ve met her in court. And In my state, probably yours as well, family courts favor women over men big time. There’s a reason 78% of all suicides are men and there’s also a reason nobody ever talks about it. The state doesn’t give a rat crap if you’re trying to be nice or stoic or any of that crap. They’ll have you eating scraps under a bridge whilst a new guy moves into your home that you busted your ass for w your cheating ass ex wife while you pay for it. Fight for yourself. Nobody else out there is gonna.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2014
id 8697653
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:55 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Hi OP,

I'm from MI too and it's a no-fault state. I looked at divorce law here and it's not something that considers adultery in the final decision on asset division or child custody. Unless there's drug/alcohol abuse or something else that's gross misbehavior/endangerment, the state goes 50/50 on everything. DON'T leave your house, if you have to, set up in the basement. It will be unpleasant, but if you leave the home, she can claim abandonment. Then, based on that, you'll diminish your prospects for 50/50 custody. Also, depending on how old your kids are, they can have input on their living arrangements. I think it's middle school age on up they get to have input (but not final decision) within the court.

It's best to STAY THERE and love your kids, DON'T leave, DON'T malign your ex, DON'T participate in power struggles with her. I've seen other good advice here on handling kids and their relationship with the WS. It's going to be tough- they love their mom and they love you. They will naturally feel the urge to pick sides. Don't let them participate in that. "Your mom is your mom and she will always love you with all she has to give. I love you too, so very much. We both will always love and care for you going forward. What happened with our marriage is between us and nothing that you did or didn't do ever contributed to that."

Also, from personal experience of being my mother's emotional coping mechanism, you need to reassure them that it's not their job to make you or your ex happy/ fix you. If you're having a bad day and they notice and comfort you, it's best to thank them and emphasize that it's not their responsibility to fix the situation/ your mood. "I'm having a bad day today. Thank you for your care/compassion/concern. It makes me so proud to have a compassionate/caring child. Please know that it's not your responsibility to make me feel better. I really appreciate your comfort though."

As for rennovating, do it if it makes you happy. Chances are the next owners are going to have their own tastes anyhow. Think of it as a cost-neutral investment (unless your carpet and bathrooms are gross). The thing it will improve though is the time to sell. Fresh clean paint and carpet and a bathroom refresh can make your house move along on the market way more quickly than if you don't do those updates. Also, wall paper. Wall paper will make people turn around once they see that. No one wants to remove it, no one will like it and no one will buy it.

I'm speaking from experience of having rennovated, sold and rented several homes over the course of 15 years.

What line of work are you in? My company is hiring a TON of software, IT and battery folks. We've usually got a few purchasing and mechanical engineering spots open too.

Best of luck, sorry you're here.

posts: 205   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8697687
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:32 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

The housing market is hot right now. Don’t miss it.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697708
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 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 7:08 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Thank you all so much, this place is full of amazing people

I am going to pay the lawyer probably tomorrow. I told STBXWW that I will be filing for divorce and oh man it's been crazy.

Apparently I must have a girlfriend or some chick I am hooking up with (I may be a lot of things, a cheater isn't one). As I suspected, she is going to pull out all the stops to make this as painful for me as possible. It's fine, I will get through it. Amazing feeling actually having an end in sight. Plus now she doesn't want the house so reno and sale might be the move, not sure yet. That would give us the biggest profit.

We are no fault here in MI, my lawyer did scare me pretty good, there are 5 family court judges in my county, 4 of them are old as dust, they typically default on giving primary custody to the mother. One of the judges is a female in her 50's and is the only one that defaults on 50-50 barring any crazy shit, and it's luck of the draw. She has made it crystal clear she intends to fight so that I can't see my kids half the time.

She also tried to kick me out of the house, which I refused to leave. I will ask my lawyer tomorrow if I am good to move out after the divorce paperwork has been filed, as I don't want to do anything that will hurt my chances of 50-50, and getting out sooner rather than later would be better for my sanity.

Not thrilled about all of this, I never wanted a divorce, never wanted a cheating wife either. She is not a good person. The nexus of all of this was her affair and lack of work towards R, and now because of the inevitable, she is gearing up to give it to me one last time. it's just really sad.

I can not imagine me ever married again.

[This message edited by TEMPE57 at 7:33 PM, Tuesday, November 9th]

posts: 165   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8697751
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:50 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

(((TEMPE57))) she sounds like a narcissist with those kind of reactions. That's what they do... they punish. My ex Narc turned into the biggest a-hole once I decided to leave.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8080   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8697762
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 4:36 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

I didn't see it in any other post here. Please make sure you carry a var on you at all times.

posts: 200   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8697807
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:47 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Yes to the VAR!

Also, once served, start shutting down any conversations about your marriage. Communicate clearly that unless it has to do with the house or the children, you are not engaging. "I am sorry you feel that way. If you would like to discuss the terms of our divorce, you need to discuss it through my lawyer." Repeat ad nauseum until she gets the point.

Grey rock too- she will amp up her abuse of you as she gets more insecure and desperate for supply and or control. Theres a lot of info here on the site that can guide you through it.

Any way you could find a men's group or find an IC? You're going to need someone impartial to help you through this on a regular basis.

Good luck.

posts: 205   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8697858
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 3:34 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

OP - you said that your WW doesn’t want a divorce? Why? What is her preference then?

Does she comprehend that you divorcing her is a result of her not doing the work? Or does she think it’s due to something else, besides her assertion of course that you’re cheating, which I’m sure she actually doesn’t believe.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8697866
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 TEMPE57 (original poster member #79570) posted at 4:55 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

OP - you said that your WW doesn’t want a divorce? Why? What is her preference then?

Does she comprehend that you divorcing her is a result of her not doing the work? Or does she think it’s due to something else, besides her assertion of course that you’re cheating, which I’m sure she actually doesn’t believe.

I am starting to think she only really cares about her image. She would rather me suffer for years in silence than look bad for being divorced. She claims that I am giving up, that I am refusing to stay and work on the marriage. I asked her how many more years will I be expected to sit around and wait? it's already been 2 years since DDay, didn't have an answer.

I don't know what she thinks or believes, but I think she believes what she is saying. She is convinced that I cheated on her in the past. One example, A few weeks after our first was born, I got a accidental drunk dial from my ex at 2:30 am, woke me out of a dead sleep. I answered it, was still half dead asleep, she realized who she called appologized, laughed at her error, and that was the last time I spoke with my ex, about 10 years ago. Well that is proof to her that I was fucking my ex while I was married. So I am willing to bet she believes that I found someone else and am leaving her for some affair partner.

There were other examples like volunteering for a Muscular Dystrophy Association fundraiser, I was under the impression that it was a general fundraiser, I had no idea I was volunteering at an event that was actually FOR a good friend I hadn't seen since 10th grade when I moved school districts until I was actually there, her son has the disorder. Didn't know. Well a few days after the event, we were catching up since we didn't get to actually talk at the fundraiser. 100% was just catching up, there was no flirting or anything. I wasn't trying to hide anything. Well she found out and demanded that I block her, which I did without hesitation. claims I "blew off work" to go hang out with my girlfriend, that I am fucking her too yada yada yada.

I think there is projection here. And after our hours of arguing yesterday, she texts me at midnight asking me if I was sleeping, I texted her back no, then nothing. Gut feeling eventually hit me that she accidentally sent that to me rather than someone else. I don't care anymore, I just want out.

[This message edited by TEMPE57 at 2:53 PM, Tuesday, November 16th]

posts: 165   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019
id 8697880
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 12:59 AM on Thursday, November 11th, 2021

We are no fault here in MI, my lawyer did scare me pretty good, there are 5 family court judges in my county, 4 of them are old as dust, they typically default on giving primary custody to the mother.

This assumes that you end up at trial. Your goal is to avoid trial, which means that you need leverage to get your STBXWW to settle.

It sounds like she is going to want everything, which is why you do not want to concede anything without at least a negotiation.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5141   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8697942
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:46 PM on Thursday, November 11th, 2021

OP - why don’t u tell ur WW that you will sit for a poly to prove that you never cheated as long as she sits for a poly.

If that’s agreeable, then you need to draw up your requirements for R in writing and she needs to agree to them. Then, take the poly.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8697961
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:02 PM on Thursday, November 11th, 2021

I was going to make the same suggestion that barcher did. Anything you can negotiate now is to both your benefit. Your STBXWW may end up being one of the irrational ones, but hopefully she will be able to see the sense in minimizing lawyer fees and finding a solution before putting things in the judges hands. You know her better than we do. You may be better asking your lawyer to send something to hers, or maybe she would react better to a discussion between the two of you.

posts: 1556   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8697962
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:34 PM on Thursday, November 11th, 2021

I think there is projection here.

I think water is wet.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8698015
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