Dazedandconfused1978 (original poster new member #79527) posted at 9:38 AM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Wife was messing around with a co worker. She states it lasted 3-6 months. She says it always happened at the work place and never outside the workplace. Hmm??? Anyways She says he ended it without no conversation what so ever. Just moved to another coworker.
Now my question is and sure this will some blowback as I am classifying most men especially ones without morals. Why would he end it when she was giving it to him with no strings attached? She became a booty call in those months. At his beckon call. No guy who is getting a free piece of ass on the side is going to cut that off unless…
This is where you guys chime in for me.
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:44 AM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Hard to say. She wasn’t what he liked for long term commitment, someone found out, his wife put a stop to it, etc.
The important thing for you is if he hadn’t ended it she’d still be with him from what you’ve posted. If they still work together it may even happen again. Repeated infidelity is not uncommon.
You are correct. He didn’t have any morals but she picked him over you though so what’s that say about her?
The guy she had the affair with isn’t your big problem. It’s your wayward wife.
[This message edited by Marz at 10:48 AM, Saturday, November 6th]
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:50 AM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Why did he end it?
He is just a user and once he got what he wanted the thrill was gone.
It’s more about the chase and conquest than the sex
He found a new fool to go after
Your spouse may have thought it was a "relationship " and said so, and he clearly did not
He’s a serial cheater and doesn’t commit to any one
He got bored and needed something "new"
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
Txquail ( member #62946) posted at 12:05 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Lets be honest.
He ended it because the sex wasnt worth the hassle she was making him go thru to get it.
He found another girl. He was just using her till someone better came along.
Classic pump and dump
In other words, she was just a sex toy to him and he got tired of her.
He 100% just used her and she was willing to destroy her marriage over it.
sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:31 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Why do you care? You've asked a question about what went on inside the head of someone none of us knows. That's supremely futile.
Your W cheated. You know about it. That's traumatic, and if you're reasonably normal, it's turned your world into an alien place.
Use your energy to heal yourself. Feel your anger, grief, fear, shame, and desire. Figure out what you want.
I've turned down sex because I didn't really believe there were no strings attached. In fact, sex has always had strings attached, IME. But I'm a BS.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Dazedandconfused1978 (original poster new member #79527) posted at 8:25 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Marz- that’s what I’m trying to figure out. What does that say about her? I also thought maybe they caught since it was happening at work. She has claimed she was foolish and blinders on which I believe. But after he moved on from her, she continued to have feelings for him well over a year. Your right though she is my concern. I was more seeking hypotheses from others such as yourself so I that don’t completely buy into my conspiracy theories.
1st wife- more than likely the true answer. Sometimes I make things harder than they seem. A very simplistic answer. Thanks
Txquail- not doubt he used her. And her willing to throw away her marriage for him kills me inside.
Sisoon- I do care just the same as you or you wouldn’t obviously be on this site and commenting on my particular thread. I’m trying to put pieces of a puzzle together and this would have some bearing to it because what if she is lying about him ending it in the first place? Perhaps somebody on here, even a wayward, could comment and provide some point of view that I didn’t think of? That’s why we come here on this site. To support each other and offer secondary opinions and share our experiences. And lastly, what I want is my marriage to work and hopefully have some understanding of who she was at the point in her life and how we can move forward together.
BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 10:10 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021
As a WW, I agree with other posters that something shifted the risk/reward balance of NSA sex. He could see that she wanted more commitment than he was interested in giving, or his job was being put at risk, or someone came along who was a more interesting prospect.
It's the "no conversation" that puts my antennas up, tbh. It's not impossible that he bluntly ended it and she accepted it without explanation, but it would be surprising. If she pined over him for a year afterwards, I would have thought she'd want to know why he was breaking it off and attempt to change his mind. Pride, however, may have made her resist that impulse.
WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)
LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 11:15 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021
There are a couple of appeasement statements I’d be wary of, the not knowing why the AP ended it, the instant NC from AP, saying AP moved onto another coworker.
So we all agree cheaters a big liars who lie. It takes time for a truly remorseful wayward to own their shit and stop drip feeding us truths amongst waterfalls of lies.
Think about it, if this was true wouldn’t she be crazy worried others knew about her affair at work and her job is in jerpordy? After all this AP isn’t talking to her at all so she wouldn’t have heard about the new affair from him, if he truly has gone NC like she said, she would only know about this new affair from office gossip which means they all knew about her to, which would be messy for her. So she is either still in contact because he has told her about the new affair, or she is lying about this either partially or completely.
As for why did he end it, which is likely the trickle truth amongst the lies, she probably did one of the cardinal sins if the agreement between them was NSA sex, she made it personal. Could have been anything from telling him she loved him to talking about leaving each other’s spouse, whatever it was it was her who spook him.
if she lied about him ending it then they got caught at work and HR had to step in.
I wouldn’t believe her story on face value, not at all.
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:16 PM, Saturday, November 6th]
I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:32 AM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021
Because serial cheating men are like pimps, in the sense that they exploit women, they don't turn them out as prostitutes, but I think in many cases they provide long term security for the OMs a backup plan.
If the chips are down in the OMs life, he might have 10's of women he can turn to for money, a place to sleep, sex & etc. I've seen this so often in real life men who go back again and again to get what they want from ex'es.
Like pimps they are addictive to the women they target and know they can dump them yet still retain a place in the womans heart. They love the feelings of control they have and possibly get a thrill knowing the WWs will never love their BHs like they do them. I've seen where OMs were able to reenter a WWs life at will.
Hence why he would respond to your fake message to him, your WW might have won the lottery, or OM has cancer and needs a nurse or his car broke down and he needs a ride.
They also by being so "broken" invoke a sympathetic response from WWs and a fantasy their love can fix the OM. Unlike their BHs who have the job of fixing the WWs and etc.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:07 AM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021
I realized the short answer is... That by ending the affair OM knew it would never end
Look up "alpha widow"
Jorge ( member #61424) posted at 3:45 AM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021
No guy who is getting a free piece of ass on the side is going to cut that off unless…
1) The piece of ass wants to give and receive more than the ass, as in explore a relationship possibility.
2) The piece of ass has expressed jealousy of another woman in her AP's life and her AP isn't having it.
3) The AP is longer thrilled or attracted to continue the physical aspect or has a significant other who's on his trail
One other scenario is men who play with side pieces and other people's wives cut it off knowing they can return at ANYTIME. Cutting off isn't permanent. It's temporary for some reason that benefits only him. Not her or you. Him. Men who use women know who they have power over and will return when or if it suits them.
Dazedandconfused1978 (original poster new member #79527) posted at 11:26 PM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021
Thanks for the insights. I had some pretty far racking theories and y’all have given me some new avenues to think about. I do agree he may have just lost interest and jumped to the next in line. He posted on his Facebook once "ladies, not all can be first but all CAN be next". This is his attitude.
As far as how my wife found out, she overheard two cashiers gossiping just as you stated. I can’t believe she wouldn’t have been kissed enough to confront him then but now I’m thinking it may have wrenched up her infatuation for him.
I also believe that he had that hold on her and that is the exact reason she went to him at the other store. But this same line of thinking is what also supports my theory that the affair may have and probably did start back up when he came back to her store years later. It may not have been as frequent as the first go around because they now both were working day shift and not nights. But there is always the backseat at lunch time 🤬. That is truly painful to think and say.
Dazedandconfused1978 (original poster new member #79527) posted at 11:29 PM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021
Also, I know she wanted it to be more than NSA, and that may have scared him off. She swears there never was any discussion of leaving spouses or I love you’s but I don’t believe that either. I don’t really want to pay for a poly as they are crazy expensive but I know of no other way to get her to be completely honest.
BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 12:49 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021
She swears there never was any discussion of leaving spouses or I love you’s but I don’t believe that either.
It could be technically true. If she dangled a lot of hints that she wanted to take things to the next step, and he said flirty things back that avoided commitment but kept her on the line, she might be able to pass a poly. Polygraph questions deal solely with facts.
WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:32 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021
I see that you are trying to make sense out of this situation, and you are trying to "understand" your wife’s thinking.
I did the same thing. My H kept demanding a D for 6 months, three of which I didn’t know the OW (other woman) was still in the picture.
My trying to understand it all almost made me crazy. You cannot make sense out of completely illogical choices and/or behavior.
It’s hard to accept your wife’s affair and behavior. But honestly that is pretty much all you can do. You will never "understand" it. She can never "explain" it. Emotions make us feel and do crazy things at times.
If you can accept it occurred you will save yourself years of anguish and pain and torture. From someone who has been there - it’s not going to satisfy anything. Because there is no "answer" to the questions you are asking.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:33 AM, Monday, November 8th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
HarryD ( new member #72423) posted at 3:12 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
It’s really hard to really trust a person who cheated so fast. AP will always worry what is SO is going and with who. He knows the husband is having sex with her. And who else
Dazedandconfused1978 (original poster new member #79527) posted at 11:25 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021
Your post reasons with me. I unfortunately. I’ve come to accept the affair and even the reasoning behind it. Question for you- after you’ve accepted what it is, do you still have questions that run through your head all day? If so, give me your advice on how you’ve stayed sane knowing you’ll never know? Thanks
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:45 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021
Why is this important to you? I got pretty caught up thinking about HER for a short while, but HE did all the cheating in my marriage. These musings can drive you insane, I suggest you redirect your thoughts as you will never know. And it really doesn’t matter.
Legally separated, one more step.
grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:39 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021
Why is this important to you?
I think he's trying to get a reading on how much risk there is for the A to reignite between his WW and her AP. The best case is the wayward realizes the disaster, confesses, repents, and works to be a safer partner. Dazed doesn't have that. Worse yet his WW tells him his AP just walked away. That has to have him concerned on what would happen if AP comes calling again. In the end though having this knowledge isn't going to help. There's millions of potential APs out there. Surely there's another that can ring her bell and lead her astray. It all comes down to whether or not his WW can do the work and be a safe partner. IOW dazed is asking the wrong questions.
Dazedandconfused1978 (original poster new member #79527) posted at 10:58 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021
Grubs- your exactly right. For him to move on from her with no explanation just doesn’t make sense to me. And for him to "end" it tells me just was vested all the way up to that point and beyond. It wasn’t her decision and that would have left her crushed and still pining for him and his "attention". As proved by her going to see him at another store after a year of him being relocated. She say no NC in the time frame of that year, but one would hope that a year of NC would have made those feelings go away. Somehow, I would love to know, she held those feelings. Even though he moved on and away she still thought about him. How did he have that hold on her and how do I know , to this day, she doesn’t feel he was the one that got away? He was in it for sex and she developed feelings that were not reciprocated. I know I’m asking for a logical answer to an illogical question. But the not knowing what she was and is thinking drives me insane.