sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:39 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021
You need to rely on yourself. First, figure out what you want.
None of this is relevant unless you want R. If you want to D, your best bet is to detach, knowing that your WS cheated because of your WS's dysfunctions, not because of yours.
Otherwise, you need to talk with your W and evaluate her truthfulness. If your gut says she's lying, she's almost definitely lying, and you can't R with someone who won't stop lying.
Some WSes won't come clean. That leaves the BS in extra pain, but there' isn't much the BS can do to change things. The BS definitely can't change the WS - the WS is who they are.
I am really sorry your W is still lying. Take some hope from the fact that you can heal without a truthful WS, although it may mean dumping the WS. Also, you have strengths you don't know about, and they can help you a lot as you find them.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 7:12 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021
How did he have that hold on her and how do I know , to this day, she doesn’t feel he was the one that got away? He was in it for sex and she developed feelings that were not reciprocated. I know I’m asking for a logical answer to an illogical question. But the not knowing what she was and is thinking drives me insane.
How is she acting now? Is she beyond ashamed of herself? Is she willing to crawl 5 miles through broken glass for you? Has she confessed her evil actions and love for this OM to all families? Has she been FULLY TRUTHFUL? (Hint: NO)
Why are you pushing so hard for R with a WW who’s simply not truly remorseful? If she was, she’d be doing all of the above, and more, without being prompted/forced by you. How’s your self respect and self esteem? I’m guessing your WW *says* she (now) loves you but do you really believe that? Are you taking her words as gospel truth instead of looking at her actions?
Please read some of the countless stories here on SI of BS’s who try to R with less-than-broken-soul-remorseful WS’s. Hint: it never ends well.
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 4:55 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021
Fundamentally, if you can’t get to a place where you can trust and have faith in your partner, you don’t have a relationship. This is the bottom line.
Right now, you don’t have any trust in her. Her ex AP is irrelevant.
You are focussed on the wrong person.
I married the man of my dreams, after his LTA, he said he wanted to reconcile, then said no,I want to divorce, then said wait no, I do want to be with you. It was what I wanted to hear. I said I am done. I finally knew that I could never trust him again. He kept proving that to me. It took a LONG time for me to see it. Am I happy, I am ok. Am I lonely, yes, but less lonely than I was when we were married. I know I have a better future now.
Legally separated, one more step.
Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 5:54 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021
It is possible that he was always doing the other woman and your ww did not know.Then after she heard the cashiers talking she just figured he had dumped her. Imagine finding out your affair partner was having a affair on you. That has to really hit home.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:19 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021
I would be VERY concerned b/c yiur wife saw the AP after a year of No Contact.
That certainly doesn’t make you feel like you and your marriage is a priority. In fact quite the opposite.
Her needs or wants are a priority. First and foremost.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
Dazedandconfused1978 (original poster new member #79527) posted at 10:31 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021
Been there- its a possibility but I don’t think so. I believe she was so hung up on him that she held onto the possibility of him coming back around. That is disgusting to type out but he had that can of hold on her. She was hoping for a long term investment and didn’t want to burn that bridge. She stated that’s why she went to see him after a year of NC to see if there was any chance to rekindle. 🤮. This has all left me such a mess. Trying to make sense of it. Between her affair and pining after him covers roughly a 3 year period. To my original post- why would he have cut it off. Maybe he sensed she wanted more though she says she never discussed that with him. Maybe he got bored and was just in "notch on my belt mode". All sound very plausible.
1stwife- exactly. I am very concerned. I think she is trying to be truthful without doing further damage. It sickens me to know/think how she felt about him and will never feel that way about me.
svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 10:55 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021
To him, she was a pump and dump, one of many apparently.
To her, he was a limerent love object, a dream she was willing to sacrifice reality, you, over.
You’re still there.
I guess you’ll do, for now.
You okay with that?
I sure as hell wouldn’t be.
gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 7:10 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021
My first reaction was the same as Sisoon's - why do you care?
And I absolutely understand the ways in which these questions take hold in our minds and tug at our heartstrings and nothing seems to make sense. I found out bc the LTAP reached out to me. I know/have solid evidence of a conflict during their last encounter, and that it was about local politics. But why would an argument about some local politician cause her to end it / reach out to me after a 20+ year EA/PA? Who the heck knows. I doesn't make sense, I suspect there were other things at work, and -more importantly - I no longer wrack my brain about it (my WH wants to talk about honesty, but practicing it is a whole different ballgame).
The point is that I believe what Sisoon, Tallgirl, and others are saying WRT focusing on YOU may help you find your way to healing / peace.
Take some hope from the fact that you can heal without a truthful WS, although it may mean dumping the WS
. That is my situation. I can accept what I do not know / does not make sense in order to heal myself. I will NOT accept the meteor-sized holes in my WH's various "stories" about his extramarital activities in order to R.
For me, the self healing needs to happen before a BS should ever "commit" to R. We have to put on our own oxygen masks FIRST, and IME, the quicker we can detach from all that ruminating about the A, the AP, and- most importantly - the WS, the quicker we can get on our own oxygen mask and learn to breathe again. IME, that is where the real healing begins.
M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived
It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies