Newest Member: AcesEights

Divorce/Separation :
Stopped paying alimony


 cancuncrushed (original poster member #28156) posted at 6:31 AM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

I’ve been divorced from Npd ex for two and half years now. Things have gone fairly smooth for alimony. About once a year he deducts something he has dreamed up.

Now out of nowhere he has stopped paying. Two months behind. My payments are handled by a financial advisor due to threats and protection order Ex is dangerous. Very dangerous.

He’s been notified twice by letter. He agreed to pay and get caught up. Two weeks Later no alimony.

Not sure what steps are next. I have witness. Copies of letters. His agreement was with financial advisor. All logged and noted.

My attorney retired. I hate starting legal stuff again. I think that’s his goal. He wants me to pay. Then he will deposit quickly. Just to be mean.

He was threatening to my advisor. Saying the advisor owes him $25 for reissuing the checks. He probably won’t pay me until he gets $25.

He’s so crazy. So Npd. What are my next steps? What will happen legally

HE Pulled this during the divorce. He made a list and made deductions for ink. Copies. Time it took to write a check. Stamps. Etc. highlighter. Envelopes. Then he insisted I sell my used shoes and pay him I do not have expensive shoes. At all

You see what he’s like

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 6:43 AM, Saturday, November 6th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4741   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8697186

nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 9:03 AM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

I don't know where you live, or if there is anything like this. But, here in Canada if someone stops paying alimony or child support you can have it all taken care of through the family responsibility office. They can garnish wages, take away a person's licence, passport etc. If there is anything like that where you live, could that be an option for you?

posts: 200   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8697190

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:52 AM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

Have his wages garnished. You may need an attorney. Check around. There should be a lot of info pertaining to your state available on the internet.

No contact is your best friend.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697198

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:53 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

Here in NY if you get far behind in alimony they:

Take away your driver’s license
Put you in jail
Put it in your credit reports that you owe $ for child support
Put a lien against assets
Garnish your wages
Levy fines and penalties for having to go back to court to get the funds owed

Ive seen all of that occur - and there is no getting away from the consequences.

I read somewhere where the IRS will not refund a tax refund to anyone who owes child support. I don’t know if it’s true b/c no one I know has that occur.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8697239

WowItsReallyReal ( member #46075) posted at 8:54 PM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

Unfortunately I've had this happen multiple times.

You have to get an attorney & have his wages garnished.
It takes months,& you can ASK for attorneys fees (but may not get them).
I'm still owed $2k arrears from 2018, for which I have an order, but his employer never paid... he since changed jobs
(that's the latest game),so I'll have to pay the lawyer AGAIN to get a new garnishment for this job, & also another order for the old arrears.

I've had to pay $3.7k in attorney's fees for this kind of thing since 2015, when he was first ordered to pay me alimony.

My attorney's fees have never been awarded by the Family Court, despite me being 108% of poverty level & him and OW having household income over $280k annually. The Ex has been in contempt 5+ times without consequences. 🤦‍♀️

I feel badly for you, and all of us dealing with scary,crazy, manipulate exs.

It took me about 8.5-9 weeks just prior to Covid to get the last garnishment order through the court (CA), then another 2 weeks to get his employer served. Another 2 weeks after that to get my first check issued, then another week to receive it.
Good luck to you.
File your paperwork ASAP! Get that ball rolling.

posts: 1975   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2014
id 8697404

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:11 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

This is so state-by-state sensitive, country-by-country, but this is what I think would apply everywhere.

First and most importantly: You personally deal with this as little as possible and NEVER in any direct or too-close a line to your ex. Basically – if there is an agency of any form or a court-approved process that handles this then YOU USE IT.
Non-payment can both or either be a civil or criminal charge. A divorce is a court-approved process and non-compliance can be taken quite seriously.
Does this mean an attorney and legal costs? Yes – probably. But if you need to go that way then make sure you go for ALL he owes you, including the deductibles and possible penalties and interest for delayed payments. The sooner he realizes he can’t fool around with this the sooner this ends.

Secondly: Abuse is a term that has been thrown around this site a lot lately, but honey – this is his form of abuse. This is his last attempt to negatively impact you. This is very common. That’s why I would suggest you phone an abuse phone-line or consulting center and ask if they can point you in the correct or best direction.
Although the frontline of domestic violence and abuse hotlines is battered women they also deal with financial and emotional abuse. I can 99% guarantee that they have had this question and this issue previously and have advice on how to go forward. Maybe even have a fire-eating attorney that does these cases pro-bono or on a commission basis. At least someone that isn’t learning at your expense.

Third: Take his threats seriously. Along with the documentation for his late payments then include the info that he has threatened the financial advisor. Get restraining orders for both you and the advisor. In some ways they aren’t worth the paper they are issued on. They won’t prevent your ex from dropping by. But what they do is that they give you A LOT MORE power if he does drop by or start threatening. If he is at your doorstep all cursing and huffed the cops will be over A LOT FASTER if you can tell the dispatcher he’s breaking a RO.

Finally – What is the total worth of the alimony? Like if its 1000 for 5 years the face value is 5x12x1000 = 60k.
MAYBE – just maybe… you would be better served with a lump payment. That payment would be lower than 60k but the theory is that you can invest it and the gained interest makes it work out like 60k over the 5 year period.
But then – I don’t think this is about the money for him, but all about the power and the abuse and ability to impact you.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10012   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8697482

barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 6:27 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I think that you need to get yourself a new attorney no matter what because this is not going to stop and you are going to need that attorney sooner or later. You are better off setting a firm boundary NOW rather than letting this get out of hand even further.

You see what he’s like

Can we set him up with my xWW? They're a good match for each other.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5141   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8697555

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:30 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Go to the courthouse and have them work it out.

posts: 1187   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8697597

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 10:26 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Bigger is right - this can vary A LOT from state to state - e.g., in my state, you can file a garnishment or wage withholding w/o an attorney. If you still have dependent kids (even if in college), a govt office may be able to help. If it's child support, you can lose license/go to jail (like 1st wife's state), but I just don't remember offhand if that's the case for maintenance.

And, as Barcher said, your X isn't gonna change his tune anytime soon, so might as well embark on finding a new attorney. I'd be surprised if your now-retired atty did not have someone s/he refers old clients to.

Good grief CC - this just sucks.

And if your state does wage withholding, I'd try to get that in place (assuming he gets "wages" - many don't and that is always a PITA). Or perhaps you can negotiate a present value lump sum, as Barcher suggested - may be better for you both to remove this entanglement. You may try some reverse psychology and say that you are not interested in that - he may jump on it big time to soothe whatever he's got going on!

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3509   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8697613

barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 2:03 AM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

And if your state does wage withholding, I'd try to get that in place (assuming he gets "wages" - many don't and that is always a PITA).

I confirm all of this. I live in a state that does wage withhold (my wages are being withheld). My GF's ex-husband is 1000s behind on child support but she can't have his wages withheld because he doesn't have a regular paycheck (he's a therapist who basically works as an independent contractor).

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5141   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8697637

Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 3:50 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

It's likely you will need to hire an attorney and file a complaint for contempt. You can ask he pay your attorney fees in the petition, but this is not a guarantee.

The petition is filed in the same court that had jurisdiction over your divorce. He can, of course, pay at any time and you'll have to have the petition dismissed. If he doesn't pay, there will be a hearing where both sides present their case. Alimony and child support cases are pretty open and shut--the party paid or the party didn't pay.

It means, of course, going back to court. My experience with a diagnosed NPD is that they pull this crap because it makes them feel good about themselves. If you don't have enough teeth in your agreement to force him to comply, it would be prudent to do so now.


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32965   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8697715
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