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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
How to do this?

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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:48 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

The OBS will get in touch if she needs more info. You have enough on your plate so interacting with him just puts you back in the rabbit hole. Let it go.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8706265
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WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 3:48 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Withoutloveinthedream - you mentioned that a lot of the texting was through Facebook Messenger, and the chance to recover messages from Facebook is much better than with most other options. Often times, people "archive" messages rather than "delete" them, and this means they can be instantly retrieved either in the app or on a PC. Additionally I believe Facebook stores message content longer than most any other service, and they will provide that info at the account holder's request.

Most of this is pretty well explained if you do a couple searches on retrieving from Facebook Messenger.

If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen. Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day 09-02-2009. Now married 25 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread someti

posts: 325   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8706264
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 4:11 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Hello WOLITD. It sounds like, ironically, the confrontation and subsequent discussion may have catalyzed a certain intimacy and openness that was lacking in your marriage for a time. Perhaps you are a good candidate for R.

If R is a possibility, it's quite likely you will have a chronic, persistent sense of wanting to read the texts and such. It's quite normal.

If you look in The Healing Library, you'll find a document called "Joseph's Letter". It discusses this very concept. Also, the very good book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

As others have noted, this nagging curiosity is why divorce is the default option after a WWs physical infidelity. I've never read a thread by a betrayed husband who divorced his unfaithful wife and later regretted it. I've read many thread by betrayed husbands who stayed with the wife and were plagued by this for decades. The affair is a permanent plus one in your marriage if you remain married, a plus one your WW secretly invited into the marriage without your consent. For you to be comfortable with this interloper, you will want to know the metes and bounds of it.

As to the dirty details, among other things, an affair punches a hole in the continuum of the intimacy fabric of the marriage. If you used traditional wedding vows, she looked you in the eye, before your family and God, and promised to share this only with you. Now she has woven a cocoon of intimacy with another man. It is something stolen from the marriage. It is natural you want to see inside of it.

This is why the process of a detailed written timeline is so widely recommended. Super-detailed, right down to the dirtiest little detail. And then she sits across from you and reads it aloud as she looks in your eyes and witnesses the pain. There are a few salutary benefits from this. First, without knowing the details, the mind of a betrayed tends to imagine and invent them. We call them mind movies.

Second, one almost universal facet of infidelity is secrecy and lying. Reading these details to a betrayed husband is an act of radical honesty. Reconciliation rarely works, but if it is going to work, the one thing it needs is radical, fearless honesty. The timeline is often the first truly honest act a WW takes.

Finally, as painful as it is to hear the details, this is an excruciatingly intimate process. The salutary benefit of the restored intimacy generally outweighs the pain. By the way, its very common for a cheating wife to inject more sexual brio into affair sex than marriage sex. This is part of the trauma and emasculation most betrayed husbands experience.

There are technology consultants who can recover deleted texts and FB messenger threads.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3912   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8706270
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 8:40 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Bump

posts: 10009   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8734410
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:18 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Knowing all the details will tell you what the truth of your life is

Reading all the texts will be with you forever. It's going to hurt. I saw some nasty kinky pictures. I'm glad I don't have to relive thousands of texts in my head too.

Cheaters say all sorts of crap. They talk and talk to get each other wound up.
Mine texted while on the phone with me too. Cut my calls short to talk to her. Called her first then too bored or tired to talk much to me. Ignored my calls. I'm sure half of what they said was crazy but it is hurt you just the same.

I think the guys are right about you must know what you need to know or you will not live a contented life. I've been here a few years. They all say kissing. Just assume it was more. Decide if you can live with that. For me it was the lies more than the sex stuff. For most guys the physical stuff hurts the worst.

Don't be afraid to ask for whatever you need. If you aren't getting complete honesty, think hard about if this person is capable of growth and helping you heal. Don't go through a just good enough life with her. If she's seeking 3xcitement she's got to find out why.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8734628
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:20 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Ah old post, sorry.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8734629
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