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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
How to do this?

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balbichi ( new member #78736) posted at 5:59 AM on Friday, October 29th, 2021

Did it ever occur to you that your wife might already be checked out of marriage? You mentioned yourself that there is no intimacy in marriage.

She most likely wants you to file for divorce. Some people are passive. I don’t know how old you are…assuming below 50. The question is how long do you want to stay in a marriage like this.

You kids are already out of the house. So, you don’t have to worry about kids even if you divorce.

About her cheating, adults don’t just kiss. Tell her you want to run a text recovery software in her phone and watch for her reaction.

Good luck!

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2021
id 8695535
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 10:41 AM on Friday, October 29th, 2021

Don´t ask her for the texts, tell her she´s got 10 seconds to hand you her unlocked phone, tell her you have found a way to recover the texts with a software, you may even show her ads by Dr Fone and-or Fonelab and watch her reaction to it. You may also contact OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse/Partner) and expose them, she may have access to OM's phone with all the texts. Tell her to give you a written timeline of her huge betrayal, then ask all the questions and tell her she would be subject to a polygraph, no questions asked, go through with it regardless, this may not be her first rodeo (yes we've seen it here before plenty of times). Act now, like others mentioned, adults involved in an A don't just hold hands when they meet, they have sex, lots of it, especially when they've done it before in the past and know their time is limited while visiting another city.

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8695595
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 1:59 PM on Friday, October 29th, 2021

Precisely. You need to go to her and say "I've decided that divorce is the best path unless I have the full truth. I am seeing a lawyer on Tuesday to make sure that I am protected."

She'll hem and haw. When you tell her that you have done some work for her and have a text recovery service ready to take the phone. If she doesn't hand the phone immediately then you don't need to recover the texts, you already will know what is on them.

posts: 1777   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8695616
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 Withoutloveinthedream (original poster new member #79530) posted at 4:31 PM on Friday, October 29th, 2021

thank you for all the great feedback and suggestions. I am working on this as best I can.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2021   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8695704
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 Withoutloveinthedream (original poster new member #79530) posted at 8:37 PM on Friday, October 29th, 2021

i believe that i've found the contact information for the spouse of the other man.

My wife told was told by the the other man that he is in a domestic partnership. I see a ring on her finger in pictures.

if i contact her. what would be the best approach (facebook messenger, text directly, call), questions etc?

thank you all for the help and guidance. this is a very difficult time for me.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2021   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8695760
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 9:02 PM on Friday, October 29th, 2021

I would suggest a phone call. Other options might be either intercepted by the OM or the other BS asks the OM what this could be about and they do their best to poison your information with things like "He's crazy jealous and controlling, don't listen to him".

Has your WW admitted to more than just a kiss?

That detail seems really, really implausible considering all the time and messages that were sent. It's the standard cheater's playbook, almost everyone uses it unless they are caught red handed. It sounds like your WW probably gave you lots of details and truth but covered up the PA. That approach she's using makes it sound like you are getting the whole story when in fact you are not getting a huge piece if it. I mean, she was texting him for 45 minutes at the very same time she was on the phone with you!! That tells you she was overcome by some connection to him and the likelihood it wasn't physical is remote. She was there for days without you and messaging him constantly. I really think you may feel like you have the full story but the odds are huge you don't.

The requirement of a polygraph and splitting up if she is not truthful might help with that.

posts: 573   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8695766
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Dkt3 ( new member #75072) posted at 10:55 PM on Friday, October 29th, 2021

When satisfied with the answers you need to ask no questions.

You are wise to DEMAND their communications. The first version is just that, the first version. Full of minimization and misdirection.

When I was in your position somethings I was told I didn't ask more about, in the moment you don't realize that you are a human lie detector.

Ask and demand until you are comfortable with her answers.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
id 8695784
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 12:16 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

Someone soon is going to pop up and say not to read those texts. That they will hurt you and you won't be able to unread them. That all cheaters text pretty crazy stuff and that you can just assume there's lots of ILU's, cutesy emojis and talk and reminiscing of sex. Yes, of course, but that is not what you're really looking for. You want to read those texts to see what she says about you. Most cheaters, and even happily married couples, bitch about their spouses, but you're looking for something more than that. You're looking for deep discontent. You're looking for dialogue that will reveal where you're WW's head is really at. You're looking for deep disrespect, disgust, contempt and any escape plans they might have been formulating. You're looking for personal and family security breaches. Breaches of trust that go beyond EA and PA. Your looking for complicit friends and family. And, you're looking for anything unforgivable to you.

I played the same trick on my WW bluffing the Fonelab and Dr Fone to retrieve her texts and, she turned white as a ghost. She completely freaked out over that prospect. She desperately warned me NOT to recover the texts, that I would be severely hurt by them. She always feared I would and seemed to keep a secret bag packed and a fueled-up car backed into the driveway if I did.

I have always been blown away by the many people who are all too willing to Live in ignorance and hope for the best and place everything in life that is important squarely in the hands of someone who has clearly demonstrated that they have total disregard for their welfare. All because they're afraid of reading something they can't unread.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 12:28 AM, Saturday, October 30th]

posts: 891   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8695796
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:14 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

They often admit to a kiss in the hope it will satisfy your doubt.

However, studies of affairs show that a deep kiss is a major personal & intimate milestone. Studies show that it's a line that once crossed - the next step is intercourse. And they had the opportunity to have sex.

You need to remove your wife's incentive to withhold information or lie.

Your wife is in damage control. She's thinking to protect herself, her marriage, and you by not revealing everything they said, promised each other, as well as sex.

Her behavior has destroyed your trust. Why should you believe that she's told you everything? Especially when she has every reason to withhold information.

You can't process her betrayal without knowing what she did and said. And she can't rebuild your trust as long as you wonder if you know everything.

Insist that a chance for R requires her to write down a timeline of her relationship (when, where, what they did, what they said, and what they texted) - all subject to a polygraph. It doesn't matter if you trust a polygraph (bluff) as long as she believes you do.

Inform her that additional information may make it more difficult to R. However, further withholding of information or lies will guarantee divorce.

posts: 2573   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8695802
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 7:27 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

who texts a suspicious phone number a few thousand times and doesn't expect it to be noticed?


You have another man in your marriage.

In other words, you now have a shitty marriage. Sorry man.

posts: 443   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8695825
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Sufi22 ( new member #75842) posted at 6:08 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Withoutloveinthedream
How are you doing? Hope you are finding your way.

D-day: Aug 3 2018BH-60s WW-50sM 21 years WW had 2 year EA(maybe PA) and 1 year ongoing contact during Covid1 DDTrying to R. Update 3/22 Found her breakup diary. Full 2 year PA only ended because he cheated on her and broke up.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2020
id 8697477
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:25 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

If you’re smart you’ll recover the deleted texts. If not you will just linger in the unknown with this gnawing at you.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697486
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 Withoutloveinthedream (original poster new member #79530) posted at 4:00 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

i appreciate all of the feedback. my wife is doing all of the right things to help us deal with her choice of having an affair.

my wife and i have tried everything to retrieve the text messages dr fone, fonelab etc. nothing has worked so far and we cannot retrieve the texts. i'm not sure if or what we will pursue going forward.

i have attempted to contact the wife of the affair partner. i do not have a phone number but have found social media and sent messsages but no response yet.

this experience isn't anything i would wish on anybody.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2021   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8697718
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 7:58 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

What are those right things that your WW is doing?

Did she write a detailed timeline of her affaire? Did she offer or accept to take a polygraph?

Interesting that OBS is not responding. Did your WW know you would inform her? If she knew, she might have warned AP.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8697757
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 8:55 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Hire it done. Find someone who does that type work. A private investigator may get you what you need. Do not let this go. You only have a short time to get the truth. If not you’re gonna linger.


You can also see if she did a factory reset to clear everything.

I just saw a thread last week. Just a kiss and usual it was a lie.


I suspect you know the truth but want proof. You only need enough proof for you. This isn’t a court of law.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697763
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 10:34 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Your original post was hard to read, could feel your pain. Congrats on raising two great kids.

Agree with advice from others that there was probably more than just a kiss. That's a standard lie from cheaters to give a partial truth.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but brace yourself for discovering they had intercourse. Thousands of text messages... you do the math about what happened the times they met. A much used bit of advice given on infidelity message boards is that an admission of kissing = they had sex.

Texting this guy thousands of times on your family plan, no effort to disguise it? What to think of that... I mean should you be thankful she didn't use a burner phone to hide it all from you vs. that was disrespectful as fuck to have an affair with this jerk on your family plan.

I also agree with advice if you're spinning your wheels getting contact info on the other man's partner, hire a PI to find it for you.

What are some things you know: you're married to a cheater, a liar, a manipulator. Your wife can be quite selfish if she wants to be. She was cruel as hell to her long time husband. Jesus what a shitty thing to do to your spouse.

Lots of people (posters here on SI) reconcile after affairs, some successfully, others the betrayed spouse finds that reconciliation was just a waste of time and they wished later they would divorced soon after discovery day.

Suggest an STD test for her, and for you if you've had sex since the affair.

Some good signs I think she admitted to a bunch of shitty behaviour (didn't stonewall you completely), and supposedly has gone no contact. She's just blown up your marriage. I'd ask her what is she going to do to make this right.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 1:43 AM, Wednesday, November 10th]

posts: 443   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8697773
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 1:35 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

The only way that you are getting the truth is by talking to the other spouse. Social media is tough because it's almost impossible to send messages due to the amount of spammers out there. Pay a good PI to do it for you and call it a day. Do not let your wife know that you are doing this, she will warn him.

posts: 1777   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8697786
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 8:03 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

my wife is doing all of the right things to help us deal with her choice of having an affair.

If she hasn't admitted to sex yet, then no....no she is not.

posts: 2708   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8697824
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 Withoutloveinthedream (original poster new member #79530) posted at 2:28 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

I sent an email, facebook message, and instragram message to the wife of the AP on 11/8/21. She contacted me yesterday. Apparently she doesn't use FB much and had just logged on. The email addy was old.

She was devestated by the news. Her 1st marriage had ended because of a cheating husband. She has since blown it up and told her family, friends etc.

The AP sent my wife a text this morning that she immediately shared with me, it was short, but mentioned a lot of "misinformation". Now, i am only as good as what information i have so maybe what i have is wrong? My wife copied and texted me what he wrote and we deleted his text.

My wife has not had any contact with him since Sunday 9/26 and will not. Can i be 100% sure, of course not..but i'm 99.785784788997877 sure of it.

How to address his text? Should i go back to him directly, or to the wife and continue to work with her directly, or just let it go. Suggestions are needed and welcome.

[This message edited by Withoutloveinthedream at 2:29 PM, Tuesday, December 28th]

posts: 12   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2021   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8706257
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 2:35 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

I would let it go. No contact should be maintained. Contact would just open the door to further involvement. Make sure he is blocked. If he harasses you, you have other legal options. Be open to any questions or clarifications the OBS may require. Glad to see your WW is maintaining no contact. It’s a positive step.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3121   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8706260
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