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Wayward Side :
I'm the Cheater

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 Imthecheater (original poster new member #79507) posted at 9:40 AM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

I'm sorry for lack of details....

My main concern is my son
And what he sees? If he sees that his father ignores me intentionally or if his father rolls his eyes, dosent show me basic common respect.
....ect

posts: 8   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: ON
id 8694755
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 Imthecheater (original poster new member #79507) posted at 9:47 AM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

Also I have done research regarding infidelity. I have tried to enroll us in an online couples counseling as well....

I beleive I have some type of ultra high sex drive also....
Yes I've been to drs and therapists as well as counsellors...none of them have said that it actually a problem... only that I should be greatful...

There are many external factors at play here......

Basically my relationship was not in the best shape to begin with..... then I seriously fucked up....trying to tell myself he was not paying me attention and he was unable to even meet me half way in terms of intimacy.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: ON
id 8694756
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 Imthecheater (original poster new member #79507) posted at 9:51 AM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

Regarding how my son acts .... its directly reflected from his father...if his father decides to ignore me, or leave me crying, showing zero physical support, no intrest to take me seriously...ect.....


This is a big deal for me

posts: 8   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: ON
id 8694757
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:34 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

What about the disrespect you showed his father? You became involved with another man,moved him into the home with your son,daddy left, then suddenly daddy was back.

He may have been a baby. But even babies know when a strange man shows up, and daddy suddenly isn't around anymore.

What did that model for your son?

How long has your husband known about the affair?

What steps did you take to become a safe partner?

Are you fully transparent? Does he have access to everything?

Did you answer all of his questions honestly?

Did you get tested for stds?

Did you find another job,so you are no longer working with OM?

Did anyone tell OMs wife?

What work have you done on yourself?

It takes years to heal from infidelity. However around the child, he shouldat least treat you with basic civility.

I suggest you read the jfo forum. I don't think you understand just how painful this is for your husband.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:36 PM, Saturday, October 23rd]

posts: 3780   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8694766
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:41 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

father...if his father decides to ignore me, or leave me crying, showing zero physical support, no intrest to take me seriously..

Why are you crying in front of your child?

Maybe he can't take you seriously,because he can't trust you?

What do you mean by physical support?

Can you give examples of him ignoring you?


Honestly, a lot of this sounds like consequences. He is in pain. Is he handling it perfectly? No. The fallout after dday can be messy.

posts: 3780   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8694767
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:27 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

Could you weigh in on whether my analysis of your situation is correct?

1. That you met a man at work or a bar during a girls night out situation (after you'd routinely pulled attention and affection away from your husband and spent many previous nights carousing), then flirted and developed a sexual relationship with this man?

2. Then manipulated and engineered a situation whereby this affair partner moved into a downstairs living situation so you could continue the affair?

3. Then you used a pretext to kick your long-term faithful partner out and go into "separation mode"?

4. Then came to the realization that your affair partner was a lesser man, and then engineered a new "reconciliation" of sorts for your long-term partner to come back?

Is this an accurate assessment?

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8694783
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:56 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

That's how I read it also...

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8694808
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 1:09 AM on Sunday, October 24th, 2021

The problem with giving us minimal detail is that it's like expecting an auto mechanic to diagnose your squeaking brakes over the phone. He can tell you the most common causes. He can give you an overview of basic ways he might try to fix it. He can't reach through the phone and fix it for you. He can't tell if there's something critical you're omitting about the history of the car that would make it much harder to repair. If you go through the whole conversation and then mention that it was underwater for two weeks, that's going to change his advice. If he'd known that, he might have told you that the car probably can't be brought back.

From the limited information you provide, I can't tell what to advise you. Your BH's behavior towards you might be completely understandable curtness and coldness. It might be toxic derision that merits immediate filing for divorce. Waywards are unreliable narrators even when they're trying to give us details, and you aren't giving us much.

You have to sincerely want reconciliation, and be willing to lay yourself bare and vulnerable, to even have a chance at it. If you think that's dangerous for you, or even just too much effort, divorce is probably your best option.

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2136   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8694827
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 12:06 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

And I will say what most people on here are dancing around.
We don't think you are that worried about your son, you are more worried about yourself.

You are concerned with how (assuming here) the father of your son is treating his mother.
If a little bit of disrespect is all the outcome you have received, then you are incredibly lucky.

We want to ask more about how your cheating manifested because as cheated on spouses, we may be able to help YOU see why your spouse feels like they do. You seem more concerned with your son than fixing the situation with your spouse. Do you see why I would think you aren't focused on your son?

You said you had plenty of counseling, but I bet you still haven't done the heavy lifting. It is really hard and involves lots of seeing yourself as a bad person in need of improvement. Sadly, you are the villain in this story and need to follow the whole redemption path, not stop and expect people to trust you half way through it.

I can throw at you a few exercises (They aren't bad) I did with my wife to get where I am, but I will tell you, my wife still isn't happy that I am not 100% healed. She hasn't learned that the betrayed spouse is never 100% back to who they were.

Let me turn this on you. Do you ever do the things you are talking about to your husband? Not just in front of your son, do you do them at all? I bet the answer is yes. That is why you think couples counseling is what you guys need.

posts: 601   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8695202
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 3:30 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

I'll try to give you practical advice based on the limited information you've supplied. At five years out, with you still making excuses for your affair and your BH still treating you with open anger and contempt, it sounds like time to pull the plug on your marriage. Whatever you're doing therapeutically isn't working. It is not a healthy environment for anyone involved. Depending on your son's age, this may be the only living situation he can remember, so it's not surprising that he is acting out.

If you want to figure out how to change your life moving forward and live with more peace and authenticity, we can help with that. Even if you divorce your husband, you can't divorce yourself, and the unhealthy behavioral patterns that led to your affair will continue to sabotage you if you don't confront them. I say this as someone who is still actively working on my own wayward tendencies. I have zero interest in cheating again, but many of the toxic mental habits that contributed to my affair had nothing to do with another man or with my BH. Those issues didn't develop overnight, and I can't banish them overnight, either.

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2136   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8695229
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 Imthecheater (original poster new member #79507) posted at 7:41 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

Please note that I do very much appreciate all the input, opinions, ideas and thoughts you have all given.I find it constructive criticism very helpful and I learn a lot about myself as well as how others see or understand my circumstances. The affair happened in 2018 it was a 6 month length. Both him and myself have better informed ourselves as we too watched many of the Affair Recovery videos. As I very much believe in Karma I'm well aware thst I deserve everything I get. I also know that in me and for me, genuinity is pillar to recognizing and being accountable for my shitty decision making. I'm not sure I deserve another chance with him? In fact if the tables were turned I wouldn't be here. So if I would've walked away from him "tables turned" im sure i never have deserved this 2nd chance he's provided me. Nevertheless we did seek out couples counseling which we completed I am currently in individual counseling and enrolled in emotional regulation this coming November. Since the couples therapy he hasn't participated in any individual counseling for himself. Right now today we live together and act as a couple. I'm in a space where I feel he deserves much better than me. I feel like I am the cause for every negative thing that happens. I also feel like the energy it takes to be mad or upset or disappointed ect..... takes away from brighter better much more positive opportunities.
I deserve his negative treatment/distance/attitude/silence/ dismissiveness ect.....I feel that it's un fair to our family to be living life with someone who he hates. His feelings are 100% valid and warranted. There has to be a breaking point though, is that a fair thought? Given that I've tried to talk to him many times about just general courtesies and basic universal human interaction and basic respect among people. There hasn't been much action taken...

I can assume the reason he is still here is a the common denominator (our son). That said.... he still can't seem to grasp that the things he says/dosen't say for instance play an integral role in the growth of our child and his own journey in this life... As an aboriginal woman our culture hold woman in the absolute and upmost highest regard.

This is not being modeled by his father.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: ON
id 8695242
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 3:58 PM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you don't understand what you saying.

You want to remind him that your culture holds women to the utmost regard when you have done something as disrespectful to yourself, your husband, your family and your culture as sleep with someone while your married.

Do you don't really want help or do you want us to tell you how to manipulate your husband into falling in line with your thoughts about "respect".

You also have a choice...you can leave. You can move out. Set up a fair custody and child support agreement because you know your unable to help him heal. Model for your son that when you make such a mistake that you have to take the consequences with that mistake and move forward in a better and healthier way.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 4:02 PM, Wednesday, October 27th]

posts: 2017   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8695268
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:05 PM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

So you want him to put you back on that pedestal.

And him being upset, and disappointed, takes away from the bright future you could have.

You want him to rugsweep.

How long has he known about the affair?

Do you have any contact with OM? Do you work with him?

Respect is earned. While he should be treating you with civility around the child, respect is a whole different thing.

What, exactly, is he doing that you have a problem with? Please be specific.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:06 PM, Wednesday, October 27th]

posts: 3780   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8695287
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annanew ( member #43693) posted at 7:42 PM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

Your son needs to be insulated a bit more.

Just talk to your partner about it.

If at all possible, minimize your direct interactions with each other while your son is around. The two of you can focus on him instead and keep your interactions to logistics, etc. If you are interacting with your son and your partner is still rolling his eyes at everything you say to your son (not to him) he needs to stop.

Let's take a scenario. You make a joke and your son starts to smile but checks for Dad's reaction and it's an eyeroll, so the smile disappears. Talk about it with your son. Say you noticed he thought he shouldn't smile if Dad's not smiling. Ask if it's ok if one person thinks something is funny and another does not.

Then, in private, ask your partner whether he can at least modify his reactions to be neutral when you are talking with your son. If he wants to roll his eyes when the two of you are interacting directly, fine, but you should be able to interact with your son without a bunch of negativity thrown into it.

I think it's also ok to tell your son that dad is annoyed with mom lately, and that it might continue for awhile.

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2448   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8695293
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 7:04 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

I also feel like the energy it takes to be mad or upset or disappointed ect..... takes away from brighter better much more positive opportunities.

Wow! So he needs choose happy? Get over it and rug sweep? Nothing in that statement considers what he is going through. Your H is in a pit, you are standing on the edge yelling at him to get out. I would suggest getting in there beside him, and helping him out of there.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8695904
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:54 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

Given that I've tried to talk to him many times about just general courtesies and basic universal human interaction and basic respect among people.

Nothing made my blood boil like fWW telling me I need to show courtesy and respect.

How about honesty, loyalty, and integrity?

I do try that show those things but I don't need that lecture from a proven liar and cheater.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8695910
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 3:55 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

I believe you are focused on trying to force action from your spouse.

You want him to value your feelings, but you aren't valuing his feelings. Read your below statement.

I deserve his negative treatment/distance/attitude/silence/ dismissiveness ect.....I feel that it's un fair to our family to be living life with someone who he hates. His feelings are 100% valid and warranted.

You say one thing, then entirely discount it in the next sentence. Some of the WS around here say they deserve the anger, but they love their spouse. (Because they know they don't deserve the second chance.)

Your question is fair below, but you need to think about what you have given to fill in the massive hole, you said you could never forgive him for? Would you hate him the whole time? Hate is him being defensive of how he can't trust you. It is pushing away the sadness. Sadness is reflecting on how he was treated and regretting not doing more. Did you face consequences? What would you expect him to do if he did cheat? Have you done that?

Do you have sadness? Do you feel regret? Do you feel anger? Who do you direct those emotions at? Is it due to who you are/used to be? Have you changed who you are to become a better partner?

There has to be a breaking point though, is that a fair thought? Given that I've tried to talk to him many times about just general courtesies and basic universal human interaction and basic respect among people. There hasn't been much action taken...

You expect action on his part, and just started individual IC. that will only be as effective if you walk in knowing you don't love your partner as much as he loves you.

Ask yourself why?

Ask, why you don't trust your partner? He stuck through more than you would ever and you still don't trust him?

You "Feel" his disrespect, but you aren't and haven't actively fixed your disrespect for your spouse.

As an aboriginal woman our culture hold woman in the absolute and upmost highest regard.

What? So because of your culture you see the respect you had before as a birth right?

You showed him that his respect when he was in the relationship with you previously wasn't what you wanted. Why would he give it to you again?

So your spouse was a second class citizen in the relationship during your affair and now he needs to swallow his pride and self respect to return to his second class citizenship? Why would he? Think about his point of view.

You don't even hold the current power in the relationship which is why you want to leave. If you left, you know it would be because you messed things up. You are blaming your spouse's impact on your son, so you don't have to be the bad guy here. A great topic for your IC.

This is not being modeled by his father.

You need to think if your son was in your spouse's situation would you want him to stay in the relationship?

You seem to care more for your son than your spouse. You also keep checking to see if you should leave.

So who is showing unhealthy behavior in a relationship?

Your spouse shows the strength to stay and try to make things work when they get tough. That things like trying to hold a family together is what a spouse should do. I see that if your spouse got cancer or had a spinal injury, you would question if you should leave him. That isn't love.

Think of what you gave the affair partner. Was it easier to give your best to that guy. If so, why doesn't your spouse get that for even less effort on his part? The AP did not respect you. He did not honor or revere you and you gave him everything. Maybe that person you're used to being needs to change her perspective.

Ask yourself, what do you bring to this relationship? You question this all the time, but expect to be revered. Find what your spouse really gets from having you in his life and try to lean into that. Make that how you show him love.

Also realize your relationships in the past have all been transactional. You are broken in this way and I hope the IC helps you.

Good luck, and I hope I wasn't too hard on you. I was trying to get you some helpful items to work on in IC. It seems like you are having a hard time, self reflecting. Be honest in IC and let it change your perspective. Realize you may be seeing things only how you want to see them.

Great exercise. Think of the top 5 people in your life. What have you done for them in the last 10 days? What have they done for you? Really think about this. I bet your transactional state will not let you see that you may be in the deficit in some of these relationships. That is ok, but then ask why you expect things (Attention, praise, time, respect, ... whatever) from those people? Then ask, why are those the 5 most important people in your life?

Around which of those 5 people are you your best self?

I hope this helps. I know not all counselors are equal, so this starting block should help you get a measure of what should be talked about in your sessions.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 7:57 PM, Wednesday, November 3rd]

posts: 601   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8696364
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