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Wayward Side :
I'm the Cheater

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 Imthecheater (original poster new member #79507) posted at 3:05 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I want to hear from others. I've been in a realtionship for 20 yrs...I was the one who "cheated" now as we move forward I feel so much resentment and hate...

I need some help or ideas

posts: 8   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: ON
id 8694542
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 3:20 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Why is "cheated" in quotation marks?

It would be helpful if you could provide some more details. Are you legally married? When was discovery? Did you have a physical affair? Emotional one? Online type of thing?

Is that hate and resentment you feel aimed at yourself, or your partner?

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8694549
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 3:25 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

If you want help, you're probably going to have to be more forthcoming on details.

You might start with taking the quote marks out of your post around the word cheated. Infidelity is abuse. Full stop.

The first step is owning it.

The next step might be reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

The third step might be signing up for individual counseling with a betrayal trauma specialist who will hold your feet to the fire and help you work on becoming a more honest, authentic person.

If you're brewing in resentment and animus for your faithful spouse, then that probably means you are stuck in a wayward mindset, which is a place most people don't want to be (even if they don't realize it).

From what little you describe, you could be implementing what MacDonald calls the "detain and torture" method of trying to work around an affair, rather than confronting the consequences of your actions head on. It doesn't work and in fact fails miserably.

If you feel actual hate for your faithful spouse, maybe you should put on your big adult pants and do them the honor of allowing them autonomy and agency to decide what is best for their own lives, rather than remaining in a marriage with someone (you) who stews in resentment.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8694554
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 Imthecheater (original poster new member #79507) posted at 3:26 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I can feel his anger and hate towards me. We've been together for 20 yrs now. The incident happened about 5 yrs ago.....the quotations are because.....in my view we were already in separation mode. He has said many times he hates women who have been dishonest....
we have a young son together, I believe that indirectly my son picks up on my partners anger and resentment towards me.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: ON
id 8694556
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 3:35 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

in my view we were already in separation mode.

What does this mean?

What do you mean "in my view"?

What do you mean by "separation mode"?

I can feel his anger and hate towards me.

I'm sure he's angry. There are times when I feel deep resentment toward my WW and plenty of anger. Rage in fact. Rage is very common, almost all betrayed spouses experience it to some degree.

I'm 5 years out. It takes 2-5 years for a betrayed spouse simply to find some equilibrium. That's about the length of time it takes for the physical brain to heal and regain a "level set." It sounds like you perhaps haven't realized this? In fact, 2 years is typically too optimistic and 5 years seems more common.

ETA: Without knowing more, because you're being awfully vague, it sounds like you've been observing the rather routine fallout from an affair. It's called betrayal trauma, and research suggests it has more negative physical health consequences than other forms of trauma. It causes PTSD. And for the first several years, you're watching an individual who is essentially trying to rehabilitate after a horrific hit-and-run accident.

The incident happened about 5 yrs ago

The "incident." What was the "incident" precisely? If it was a ONS, an emotional affair, a months-long affair, well, sorry, but those are ALL infidelity. They are devastating to a faithful spouse.

I have to say you're using a lot of qualified language here, and that suggests the mindset of someone who is unable to be authentic about what they did.

He has said many times he hates women who have been dishonest....

How do you feel about this? Do you yourself like women who are dishonest? I myself don't like men or women who are dishonest. Most people loathe dishonesty. I can't think of many people who enjoy it, or like it. He said this because he's in pain. You should read about the recent scientific research on moral emotions. These are primary emotions, not secondary.

When a person has been subjected to a moral transgression, they experience primary moral emotions. The two most common are anger and revulsion.

I believe that indirectly my son picks up on my partners anger and resentment towards me.

I believe you are correct about this. But you started the post saying YOU felt resentment and hate toward your husband.

I would suggest you move over to the Wayward forum and start getting advice from fellow wayward spouses. You should start by reading:

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald

And the post at the very top of the wayward forum that explains in depth what betrayed spouses experience when undergoing betrayal trauma -- and what it really takes for a truly remorseful wayward spouse to help a betrayed spouse heal.

Pro tip: It's a VERY long process that pretty much lasts a lifetime.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:41 PM, Friday, October 22nd]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8694563
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 3:43 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Read this link. Read it again. Read it one more time. Absorb the truth of it:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/

Then post your story on the Wayward Forum, and ask for input and help.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8694569
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 Imthecheater (original poster new member #79507) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Thank you. I do appreciate your feedback... this is the only time ive done anything like this...

I guess wayward would be for folks like myself "the cheaters"?

posts: 8   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: ON
id 8694571
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:47 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I am a BS. 4.5 years from DDay 1. 3 years from the final DDay. And only recently had to send a Cease and Desist letter to a LTAP that just wouldn't let go. I have diagnosed PTSD from his LTA. I am still in IC. WH and I have been together almost 30 years.

I have a lot to say to you. But before I do - you need to be brutally honest and spare no detail. As others have said [and called you on] speaking in generalities and vagueness isn't going to cut it.

If nothing else - I do hope you read form the Healing Library [top left corner] and check out the MacDonald book.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3322   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8694575
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:47 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

You should post this in the Wayward Forum where you will get responses from people who have cheated and successfully moved forward from infidelity… whether that was reconciliation or ultimately divorce.

You will also need to provide more pertinent details about what happened during and after your affair so you can get the most thorough and applicable advice possible.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 549   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8694574
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 4:01 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I’m guessing he doesn’t agree that y’all were separated at the time? I know it can feel weird to share such personal details of your life on an internet forum, but it really is the only way for anyone here to help you. So, if you don’t mind my asking, what was the nature of the separation at the time? It seems like you don’t think you really did anything wrong, and he vehemently disagrees. That alone is likely causing a myriad of issues that you won’t be able to move forward from until you both reach some common ground. Were you in fact separated and free to be with others? Or were you not? Did a conversation take place regarding said separation?

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8694586
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:09 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Posting on the WS forum - you choose between a STOP sign and no STOP sign. My reco is to choose the STOP sign. It will prohibit responses from BSes (betrayed spouses).

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8694601
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:46 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I agree with Sisoon. Post in the wayward forum. Ask for a STOP sign. As much as I think the vast majority of betrayed spouses here on SI have good intentions, we're traumatized and we can't help but have a level of irritation and/or anger when talking about infidelity. Heck, I've let some level of irritation creep in here in my posts to you.

In the wayward forum, you're going to get some tough love. Fellow waywards who will hold your feet to the fire no doubt, and will deliver some "2x4's" that are meant to get you thinking clearly - sort of a friendly whack upside the head. But a STOP sign is probably a good idea for you in the early days. You can always jump in and get betrayed feedback later, and I do actually think that will be good for you over time.

Thank you. I do appreciate your feedback... this is the only time ive done anything like this...

I guess wayward would be for folks like myself "the cheaters"?

Yes. There is a guide to terminology here on SI in the sidebar. "waywards" "betrayed" - Linda MacDonald uses "unfaithful" and "faithful" - none of that is meant to cast aspersions but rather to provide clear demarcation in order to be able to talk about these issues.

As far as sharing details: Look, I get it. It is uncomfortable. The people running this site are going to protect your identity. People here can only help you, however, if you share more about your story and do it in a forthright way. You should scrub references to specific names, locations, locale, and things like what you or husband do for a living. You can be vague about those things and still provide details about what happened.

On the separation issue, again it's tough to comment specifically without knowing more about your situation, but I would say most folks do not consider a separation a blank check for dating other people, and certainly not for having sex with other people. In fact, this sort of thing is usually spelled out. There is a thing called therapeutic separation in which having other relationships is specifically prohibited because it would inhibit the entire point of the separation. In most separations, while it's understood that is a transitional step toward divorce, I would think most spouses would consider another relationship a breach. Just my opinion.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:49 PM, Friday, October 22nd]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8694648
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 6:42 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Hey, for starters:

You did good coming here. That was an excellent first move. Even better if you came here of your own accord. Being proactive and reaching out for help is an encouraging attribute.

Please continue. Please bear with us even if we're a little tough on you. This site has some serious talent from all over world. We'll help you cut through the shit and get down to serious self and marital repair.

The Wayward side has some excellent contributors who have been in your shoes and will guide you well.

Good Luck

posts: 730   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8694657
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hollowhurt ( new member #75149) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Imthecheater


This place is very intimidating. Lots of ACRONYMs. Lots of places to post and most posters expect you to understand this on day one and thus follow the rules. Some will even jump on you about this. This is fine. I have found if it has been typed, it is received much harsher than anyone meant for it to be. Chill if your just somewhat concerned, that has to normal.

You came here for help. You can get it. There is very