in my view we were already in separation mode.
What does this mean?
What do you mean "in my view"?
What do you mean by "separation mode"?
I can feel his anger and hate towards me.
I'm sure he's angry. There are times when I feel deep resentment toward my WW and plenty of anger. Rage in fact. Rage is very common, almost all betrayed spouses experience it to some degree.
I'm 5 years out. It takes 2-5 years for a betrayed spouse simply to find some equilibrium. That's about the length of time it takes for the physical brain to heal and regain a "level set." It sounds like you perhaps haven't realized this? In fact, 2 years is typically too optimistic and 5 years seems more common.
ETA: Without knowing more, because you're being awfully vague, it sounds like you've been observing the rather routine fallout from an affair. It's called betrayal trauma, and research suggests it has more negative physical health consequences than other forms of trauma. It causes PTSD. And for the first several years, you're watching an individual who is essentially trying to rehabilitate after a horrific hit-and-run accident.
The incident happened about 5 yrs ago
The "incident." What was the "incident" precisely? If it was a ONS, an emotional affair, a months-long affair, well, sorry, but those are ALL infidelity. They are devastating to a faithful spouse.
I have to say you're using a lot of qualified language here, and that suggests the mindset of someone who is unable to be authentic about what they did.
He has said many times he hates women who have been dishonest....
How do you feel about this? Do you yourself like women who are dishonest? I myself don't like men or women who are dishonest. Most people loathe dishonesty. I can't think of many people who enjoy it, or like it. He said this because he's in pain. You should read about the recent scientific research on moral emotions. These are primary emotions, not secondary.
When a person has been subjected to a moral transgression, they experience primary moral emotions. The two most common are anger and revulsion.
I believe that indirectly my son picks up on my partners anger and resentment towards me.
I believe you are correct about this. But you started the post saying YOU felt resentment and hate toward your husband.
I would suggest you move over to the Wayward forum and start getting advice from fellow wayward spouses. You should start by reading:
"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald
And the post at the very top of the wayward forum that explains in depth what betrayed spouses experience when undergoing betrayal trauma -- and what it really takes for a truly remorseful wayward spouse to help a betrayed spouse heal.
Pro tip: It's a VERY long process that pretty much lasts a lifetime.
[This message edited by Thumos at 3:41 PM, Friday, October 22nd]