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Reconciliation :
A Season

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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 8:42 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

It’s hitting me harder than I anticipated. It is discouraging how much it is affecting me, when I had such high hopes that it wouldn’t.

This is everyone else’s favorite time of the year, but I can’t stand it anymore. Every holiday is a reminder of my husbands betrayal and blatant disregard for me. Throw in my birthday and our anniversary, and I wish I could just hit fast forward.

I know people talk about reclaiming dates, but I don’t feel up to that. At least not with him. I’m not even near as mad this year, I’m just sad that any of this happened. It feels like I’m so far away from ever enjoying what was once such a happy time of year for me. For what?? So he could escape reality for a little while and "feel better about himself." It will always be so unfair what he did to me and our family.

I was doing really good, and then A season had to come knock me on my ass. I’m honestly disappointed in myself that I am having this reaction. I thought I was more healed than this.

Thanks once again for being a place to share.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 692   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8692691
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 9:14 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

(((HUGS)))

Please don't be disappointed...you ARE doing really well...I can see it in your posts smile . The A season evokes strong emotional memories...and you are doing excellent by reaching out like this!

THIS year...year 7 for me...was the first year I was not a basket case during A season. You are doing MUCH better in your healing journey than I was at the time you are now smile ...so hopefully you won't have to wait as long as I did before reaching MEH.

Just ride that rollercoaster Dear Lady...knowing that there is going to be a hard end...but it WILL end.

Our lizard brains are really trying to protect us...they know something BAD was happening during this time of the year. Logic won't stop our lizard brains from reacting like this...only experience can. The more POSITIVE experiences you can have during this time...the more calm your lizard brain will get in the upcoming years.

Don't worry about reclaiming anything right now if you don't feel like it. One day you may. Or you may not. We all heal differently...as long as you HEAL...that is the main goal smile !

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5616   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8692696
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 9:42 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

OMG, for me the second year was worse than the first because all the excitement had faded. I say distract yourself in whatever way works for you and don't worry about reclaiming if you don't want to.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8692699
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WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 10:30 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Hugs. I know how tough this is. For me, the holiday season and into January can be a minefield of triggers. Our anniversary is included in that time as well. This is my 7th holiday season since DDay, and as hard as this might be to imagine, it does get better.

Give yourself permission to phone in anything that isn't essential. For me that meant focusing primarily my kids. FWH and I buy ourselves what we want, and wrap it for Christmas. I have had enough surprises from him to last a lifetime. I haven't felt the holiday baking for years now, so I buy the sweet treats. The first few years after the shit show, I bought most of the holiday meal. Those first years, I was just gritting my teeth and getting through. I honestly still don't love the holidays. I am finally starting to envision being able to enjoy the holidays again when we have grandkids in the (hopefully near) future.

Maybe there are dates or traditions that you can reclaim for yourself, independent of him?

posts: 57   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8692706
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 9:23 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Um ... so you can't stand it ... do you have a good alternative? smile

As it happens, my W goes to a chorus rehearsal on Tuesday evenings, so I have a few hours when I can watch shows that I want to watch but she doesn't. IMDB is showing old Perry Mason shows, which I liked when I was a kid. I started watching with season 1, episode 1, and WHAM! I remembered I watched the show (later seasons) during her A, and we're just about exactly in the middle of A season. Triggered.

I feel exactly as if I were back in 2010. I know it's 2021, and I know my W is actually singing, not cheating, but part me is convinced we're back in 2010.

I gotta remind myself - and I'll remind readers - that being betrayed is traumatic, and trauma doesn't get forgotten. And I'll include this: a trigger is pain coming to the surface to be released.

It sure is uncomfortable, though.

I'll talk with my W about this. That will help a lot, I think. (ETA: We did talk. Very complex discussion.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:25 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692845
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 12:49 AM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Second year hit me like a freight train.

My wife had an LTA, so everyday is A season — but mine always kicks off around the time it first started, 2 weeks after our wedding anniversary.

Strangely, Christmas was the only comparable safe zone in those 4-years of the PA part of the deal.

That aside, I totally understand all of those feelings. All of them.

I did eventually reclaim some days and dates — the key word is eventually.

My only advice is go with what you’re feeling.

Forcing it or hoping for a better emotional wave to catch doesn’t usually work out. Or maybe it never did. Your disappointment and sadness is well earned.

If I had five bucks for every time I was SURE I was more healed, I’d be able to buy a professional sports team.

I think you’re in a completely normal space for the time frame.

What I did do, when I felt this way, was to get a little selfish. Or a lot. Pick some days with family and friends or a favorite movie, show, place to work out, whatever favorite activity you have to step away from the day to day — do that — often as possible.

At some point, you’ll have a better idea of how you want to tackle this time of year. Maybe next year, maybe a couple more years down the road.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4195   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8692867
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 4:26 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Thanks everyone. Like I said, it caught me off guard how heavy this season has weighed on me this year.

It’s also not knowing exactly when they started seeing each other in person. There was a 3 week discrepancy between their two accounts. It still feels unresolved for me, but there’s literally no way to do anything about it. It makes me want to put on my detective hat all over again, which would only provide me with the same results, while reopening all kinds of wounds. It’s been 2 fucking years almost. I should be over that GD 3 week discrepancy by now, but here I am still annoyed by it.

I’ve made plans for my birthday that is coming up. I will be spending the day with my mom and sister and NOT my husband. Maybe one day him texting her before saying a word to me, and talking to her on the phone for hours on my freaking birthday, won’t sting so bad. That day will not be happening this year.

I am going to try to remember that even though I’m not where I want to be yet, I’m sure as hell not where I was, and for that I am thankful.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 692   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8693124
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Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 5:52 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I am so sorry that you are feeling so yuck this time of year. I do not understand why many say about "reclaiming dates." Personally myself I just do not focus on those particulars. It robs me of my happiness.. so I push it aside. Try shifting your focus to something else when those bad thoughts creep in. Since you are in such a funk right now this time of year-- trying choosing 1-2 things a day that you feel really good about and nurture those things...maybe shifting the focus off the pain and reality of what has happened to us.. and focusing on the good stuff can help you/us move forward a little easier. God Bless.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8693466
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I’m sorry it hit you so hard. This is stuff you cannot anticipate. I had relief when Dday antiversary came and went, I was finally out of A season and we did pretty well. Then false R season hit immediately and knocked me on my ass. I’m still in it until November. I’m in such a funk right now and it’s sucks, but it will pass this is that crazy roller coaster ride in R land that we have been on. If H is there with you the next top of the hill is coming.

Reclaiming dates and places is hard, it’s a work in progress for me. It think I’m good and boom I’m not. I hope this doesn’t discourage you, I’m just letting you know it’s normal and it sucks.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8693474
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 5:05 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

I'm so sorry you are struggling with affair season.

One thing I'm aware of is that there are so many of us struggling with our A seasons...and how they clash with the upcoming holidays (clear through Christmas and New Years--and with some birthdays and/or anniversaries thrown in for good measure).

Yet it brings me comfort to know that I'm not alone on my struggles. So many other SI posters and lurkers are struggling right along with me and we lift each other up. I'm SO thankful for that.

I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing, and that helps me stay in the moment and in each day and not look too far ahead to dread triggers that might be coming--because dreading them isn't going to stop them or resolve them. When I have to focus to stay in the moment, I guess that's me practicing intentional mindfulness.

So, I look for the joy I can absorb in my day and for the ways I can care for myself when I'm triggered or struggling...and the ways I can remember to care for myself when I'm not struggling so much. Because, dang, it's easy to forget to care for yourself!

In a post above, sisoon says:

I gotta remind myself - and I'll remind readers - that being betrayed is traumatic, and trauma doesn't get forgotten. And I'll include this: a trigger is pain coming to the surface to be released.


It's important to embrace our triggers and let ourselves feel those emotions. If we suppress them, we stuff them...and they come out in other weird (and often more destructive) ways.

I love the image of a trigger as a bubble--as sisoon says "coming to the surface to be released." To be released. That's important. Feel it...and let it go.

I've tried to see acknowledging my sad days and the emotional shock of a trigger as part of my self care.


But you also bring up another struggle that I think many/most of us wrestle with: knowing we likely don't really know it ALL.

It’s also not knowing exactly when they started seeing each other in person. There was a 3 week discrepancy between their two accounts. It still feels unresolved for me, but there’s literally no way to do anything about it. It makes me want to put on my detective hat all over again, which would only provide me with the same results, while reopening all kinds of wounds.


This is how I try to make mental peace with that struggle: I just assume worst case scenario. If I'm unsure of the truth or the details of what happened, I just assume it's the worst. Then I decide, if it's the worst, can I live with that as my reality in the story of my WS's affair(s)? I proceed from there. This worst case scenario idea becomes how I think of and "remember" the A.

So, if your WS's in-person A was three weeks longer, can you live with that? Can you accept that as the story and the timeline?

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

posts: 65   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8693612
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:39 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

The question I have is this: Do you think your H is lying about the 3 weeks, or do you think he genuinely believes his date?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8693619
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 3:11 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

So, if your WS's in-person A was three weeks longer, can you live with that? Can you accept that as the story and the timeline?

EDIT

I made a really long post going down the rabbit hole 😂 so I’ll just summarize.

Yes, I can accept the worst case scenario. However, I really do believe his account over her’s. Not because I’m somehow inclined to believe him, but his story makes the most sense, and the bits and pieces I do remember make her version next to impossible. Either way, a 3 week discrepancy doesn’t really change anything.


To answer sisoons question. At this point, I don’t believe he is lying on purpose. I genuinely believe he can’t point to the calendar and say “this was the first day I went over there.” He refers to Halloween and my birthday, saying it wasn’t until after those dates. I think he really believes that, even if it happened the week before and he doesn’t remember. He’s never been good with dates, or remembering things the way I am. I guess that’s what has made this hard, because I would absolutely remember, but he isn’t me.

Last year I did this exact same thing at the exact same time. I really do need to accept that I will never know the exact dates, accept that I have the most important details, and then I need to let it fucking go.

[This message edited by Underserving at 3:45 PM, Monday, October 18th]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 692   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8693806
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 4:42 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Also wanted to add this.

Saturday evening my husband was supposed to go on a guided bow fishing trip with a couple of buddies The weather has been pretty crappy lately, so the guide told him it would be better to wait until another weekend. His buddies wanted to still hang out, as one of their wives was sleeping elsewhere since he was going to be gone, and the other made arrangements for his kids to stay with their mom. I was fine with him going, having a drink, and watching some live music with them. We have both learned we need friends outside of each other, and I like these guys.

Instead, he wanted to take me to dinner, and come home so we could watch a movie in bed together. His buddies heckled him, but he told them he’d rather hang out with his wife, and they’d reschedule the trip.

This wasn’t some huge thing, but added some more drops to the trust bucket. He isn’t the same selfish man he once was. I’m not the overbearing wife who doesn’t want him doing anything without me anymore either. I made the decision to trust. He made the decision to prioritize his wife.

Small steps to R.

[This message edited by Underserving at 4:44 PM, Monday, October 18th]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 692   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8693820
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:59 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Last year I did this exact same thing at the exact same time. I really do need to accept that I will never know the exact dates, accept that I have the most important details, and then I need to let it fucking go.

Sounds to me like you’re really on track — despite not feeling that way today.

Eventually, the solution I went with is exactly what you wrote.

I have enough of the truth to know it was all horrible and when in doubt, I generally assume the worst (just to cover all the bases). I accept that it happened and that I’ll never be okay with the A. The daily focus on the past is what I let go. I can’t change a single second of it, despite the 5 million (billion maybe?) replays in my head.

What I could change about me and the relationship has been a far healthier focus.

I think you’re on your way.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4195   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8693824
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 1:44 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021


I made the decision to trust. He made the decision to prioritize his wife.

Those are big steps.

I’m really happy for you.

[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 1:45 PM, Tuesday, October 19th]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8693968
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