Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
2 Years From Dday

default

 Tanner (original poster Member #72235) posted at 3:37 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Today is 2 years from Dday, things are going well, triggers and mind movies are definitely decreasing. My anger is almost gone, I still have moments. 2 years ago we had a couple months of false R with TT but when she cleared the fog she has been solid for 21 months, not perfect, but a solid remorseful W working hard on herself.

A few days ago a Facebook (2 year) memory came up and it was a picture of my WW and I out on a date. Knowing the timeline, it was after she had spent time at APs house having sex that day. We have our arms around each other with smiles on our faces.

I looked at the guy smiling in the picture and felt so upset with him, I called that guy many names, pathetic, joke, head up his ass, etc. I didn’t like the guy in the picture. I was pissed at him.

He’s not the same guy I see in the mirror, I gave up the shame and self blame when I reclaimed my self esteem about a year ago. I’m so proud of the man in the mirror. He’s confident, doesn’t take any shit, doesn’t have her on a pedestal, he’s in better shape, and has an awesome beard. 😀

So I’ve thought about this for a few days, I asked myself, is this how I feel about other BSs? Would I call those names to others in his shoes? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! Its not his fault. That guy in the picture was scammed, lied to, conned. betrayed. He believed, and had faith in the WW in the picture.

On this journey triggers are coming my way, I am at the point where working on processing, and learning from them. I can look at that guy in the picture and know, he has made it sooo far, he’s going to be great no matter what. He’s not plan B (she is free to leave anytime). He’s not letting infidelity take one more thing from him.

I am not healed, but taking control of these triggers has been a huge step. Instead of an anger response I want to learn from them, analyze, over think, and maybe start retraining my lizard brain.

Here’s to 2 years from the worst thing to ever happen in my life. Thank you members of SI, WS and BS. I wish none of us were here but so thankful we had a place to go. Best Wishes everyone.

[This message edited by Tanner at 9:40 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8687529
default

78monte ( Member #72572) posted at 4:45 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I get where you're coming from.
I remember sitting in the basement 4 years ago, having a beer with my brother inlaw. I was thinking to myself, " this poor guy doesn't know his wife is cheating on him." 2 months later I find an undeleted message on my wifes messenger and learn my wife has been cheating on me too.
I also have had fb memories pop up and know that I thought things were great and my wife was happy. Little did I know she was banging some other dude. I guess it shows us, even if you've spent more than 30 years with a person, you still don't know who the hell they are.
Glad you seem to be getting through this mess.
When those memories pop up, think about how strong that clueless guy in the picture is. One day we will find the other side.

posts: 1162   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8687532
default

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:19 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I guess it shows us, even if you've spent more than 30 years with a person, you still don't know who the hell they are

I think that is what causes the most pain, anxiety snd PTSD. Being betrayed by someone you love and trusted who sleeps in the same bed with you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10526   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8687546
default

Underserving ( Member #72259) posted at 4:16 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

You are doing great, Tanner!

Time keeps marching on, and thus so are we!
Each passing day further removes us from the worst days of our lives, while simultaneously bringing us closer to healing.

I personally hid all the FB memories from during the A. I don’t know if that makes me a coward, but I don’t want to see them. A season has just begun for me, but I’m not as anxious about it as I was this time last year. I’ll take that as a small victory.

Proud of you!

BW (32)
Found out 3 years post end of A
D-day 12-9-19
Meh-ing through R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 648   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8687571
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 7:08 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Congratulations on surviving infidelity for another year Coozann grin !!!

It's all about perspective Cuz...and your perspective throughout all of this has been truly a sight to see!! I admire it so much grin !!

ENJOY your life...and that awesome beard grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8687595
default

Oldwounds ( Member #54486) posted at 11:31 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Great update Tanner!

You are in a better spot than I was at 2-years for sure.

I think most of my bounce back, the return of the swagger was that third year.

I looked at the guy smiling in the picture and felt so upset with him, ...

I know this feeling all too well. In a LOT of pictures over many years.

But you're right.

The guy in the photo is just someone who loved his wife and family.

That's a good dude right there.

I was still tackling anger at this point too.

I found if I hit it head on, figured out what specific trigger got me fired up (usually it was when my wife was still building those important boundaries any safe spouse has to have) or some social reference about infidelity not being a big deal. SI is unique I think as one of the first places to recognize, there was nothing we could do keep our spouses faithful. They had to make a whole bunch of calculated choices to get there.

Anyway, I hope your recovery continues and you be your badass self!

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4175   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8687634
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:15 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Thanks for sharing.

I think you're recovering well, and I'm happy for you.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26008   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8687719
default

 Tanner (original poster Member #72235) posted at 4:08 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Thank you all for the replies, you have all played a part in where we are today. One thing that just occurred to me is the roller coaster is flattening out and the steps backwards are much less.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8687933
default

particle ( New Member #74493) posted at 6:24 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I just want to say thank you to Tanner. It was really nice reading this and gives me a lot of hope.

posts: 44   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2020
id 8687970
default

 Tanner (original poster Member #72235) posted at 11:08 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

It was really nice reading this and gives me a lot of hope.

Particle

You are right were I was a year ago. At 18 months I felt the anger and baggage was weighing me down. I actually was afraid to let go of it because I do not want to rug sweep anything. I worked on that and letting go of some of weight was refreshing. Best Wishes Brother, you will be great no matter what.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8688004
default

nograyareas ( New Member #70783) posted at 10:05 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

One thing that just occurred to me is the roller coaster is flattening out and the steps backwards are much less.


I'm at about 2.5 years now, and that is where I'm at too. I don't feel good about things, but life is certainly more stable than it felt for a long time. Glad you are improving!

Me: BS 43
Him: WS 43
DDay: 5/26/19
EA/PA for 7 weeks
Starting to feel like I'm a human again.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2019
id 8688103
default

thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 2:51 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Wonderful post, Tanner. I actually felt the pain again that you do. It's such a long, long journey out of infidelity. Keep working.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8688381
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy