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Therapy Question


 wendygirl (original poster New Member #79187) posted at 10:52 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

Hello Everyone,

I am a BS looking for a therapist and I am having a hard time. In the area I live in many people are very religious and a lot of the therapy is "Christian Counseling." Though I'm not really Christian, I'm not necessarily against going to Christian counseling, but I am afraid this kind of therapist will push the whole "sanctity of marriage" thing and try and ram reconciliation down my throat. Anyone have experience with this and what it is like?

With the lack of in-person counsellors in my area, I've looked into two online options. One is called Better Help and you sign up subscription style and are charged a $340 monthly fee (so $85 per weekly session). You are supposed to have constant access to texting/calling your therapist outside of sessions as well. Anyone have experience with this?

The other online option is Thriveworks. They have an extensive list of what seem to be qualified therapists who take insurance. However, Thriveworks charges you a $40 monthly fee on top what you pay your therapist. That just seems weird and shady to me. Has anyone ever used them?

Also, anyone have recommendations as to a type of therapy that is good for being a BS? All the therapists list their technique/expertise in their credentials, but I don't really know what it all means. Thank you for any suggestions/insight.


posts: 10   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8687489

Felix12306 ( Member #78827) posted at 3:05 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I have been using better help since June, and we use reagain, they sister company for a marriage counselor. It has been fine so far I have had to switch therapists a couple of times to find one I've vibed with. You can also apply for financial aid, I'm not sure what your finances are like but it doesn't hurt to try because I didn't think that we would qualify for anything and we pay $189 a month. You have access to message them 24/7 but phone call or virtual session is once a week.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but just found that out on 6/18/21.

posts: 100   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8687521

Felix12306 ( Member #78827) posted at 3:08 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I am about to start hope for healing on affairrecovery website. It's with experience counselors just in infidelity. It is $495 for 13-week course so I think it's well worth the money They also have one on there for wayward spouses there's a 17 weeks and my husband is going to be doing that one, that one is $695. Not sure if you're wanting to R or not but just wanted to let you know. And they have an EMS weekend for couples that is 3 days of all day therapy doing group things and some individual and some homework to do on your own. Look into them, if anything they have tons of YouTube videos we have been watching.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but just found that out on 6/18/21.

posts: 100   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8687522

thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 3:31 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I am about to start hope for healing on affair recovery website. It's with experience counselors just in infidelity.

They also have a very good You Tube page. Lot's of excellent videos...

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4441   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8687526

HeartFullOfHoles ( Member #42874) posted at 4:07 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

A good Christian counselor should not be pushing an agenda anymore than any other counselor is impacted by their personal world view. You just need to find one that fits. I believe the primary difference is they often use a persons faith to enhance their counseling.

For example "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" which is regularly recommended here is from Christian counselor Linda MacDonald.

It's probably much more important to find one who understands and can support you dealing with the trauma of betrayal.

I have no experience with online counseling.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8687531

BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 5:58 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I used better help and really liked it. I primarily used the email function and I liked that I was able to write to my therapist anytime I could whether it was evenings or night times or things like that. I struggled when I saw an in person therapist with sort of saving up my things to talk about until 3 PM on Thursday when I had an appointment. Also I’d like to be able to go back and read what I had written before, kind of like we do here on SI, and see my progress or what I had said in the past and reread his responses to me.

Maybe I lucked out but I got a PhD for a therapist and he was fantastic.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4208   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8687533

maise ( Member #69516) posted at 6:34 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Do u happen to have EAP through your insurance? If so, they have a list of therapists and grant a certain amount of free sessions with the one of your choosing from that list to make sure you like them. Aside from that I used to call my insurance to see what therapists were available (and covered). I found my psychologist through the EAP program - she’s been beyond amazing.

[This message edited by maise at 6:35 AM, Wednesday, September 8th]

D-Day: 6/9/2018
Status: IHS

posts: 856   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8687534

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:56 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

In the days before smartphones which could store immense amounts of music, I used to take semi-annual road trips. The best radio for part of those trips was 'Christian' counseling. Some was, IMO, awful ('turn the other cheek and ask for more crap'), but most of the counseling seemed virtually indistinguishable from what I'd hear from a humanist counselor. IOW, it might be worth your while to see if a local counselor can help you - you may be pleasantly surprised.

Remote counseling can work well, especially if you can see each other over a secure connection. It's not the same as face-to-face, but there's no travel time. smile

Thriveworks' $40 fee for administration doesn't seem out of line to me. It costs money to maintain the service. It's not ideal - I do remote therapy, and the cost of the infrastructure is part of my therapist's fee, so it's covered by insurance. smile OTOH, if I had to drive much more than 20 minutes and pay for parking, that overhead may cost more than $10/session, and my insurance wouldn't pay for gas, wear and tear, and parking anyways.

The crucial thing is finding a therapist who will help you achieve your therapeutic goals. There's no sure way of finding someone who will help other than to talk with candidate therapists until you find a good one. I'd be very reluctant to commit to $340/month until after I found a good therapist.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25978   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8687606

stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 8:08 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Online therapy is great! That is what I am currently doing. I saw a Christian counselor years ago and only did 1 appointment. I found the therapist to be misogynistic and focused on how the man was superior and the woman was inferior. Even my now ex commented on it. Of course we all have our own opinions. But personally I wouldn't see a therapist that was through a church or that presented themselves as a religious therapist.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8687607

 wendygirl (original poster New Member #79187) posted at 8:40 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Thank you for all your replies and insight! I actually found someone to go to in person, covered by insurance. She seems pretty young and I don't know what kind of advice she'll be able to give me on my daily shit show, but I'm going to give it a go. If it doesn't workout, I will look at Better Help and Hope for Healing as another option. Thanks again, I don't know what I would do without the help of everyone here. <3


posts: 10   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8688182

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:51 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

If the therapist or counselor tried to blame the betrayed spouse in any way — you know you have picked the wrong person.

There is no excuse or justification for cheating. Period.

I hope it works out for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688249
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