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After almost 4 years of false reconciliation his wayward behaviour has started again.
For the past year he’s been changing back to his old self. When I would point something out, he would quickly dismiss it or twist it around and blame me for his inability to get close to me. It’s been over a year without any physical contact or intimacy between with all the same excuses. Add COVID to the list of excuses now as well.
I’ve been having that sick feeling in my stomach again that somethings off and when I checked his browsing history, I found multiple searches for Escort services in our area. He went back on the site later that day and was checking out a particular Escort 15 minutes from our house.
When I asked him about it he gave me this bullshit about things just popping up on his phone.
What really hurts is that he did this while I was cooking breakfast for us and the grandkids. Couldn’t even wait to get out of the house.
I’m sick to my stomach over this, it’s one week away from the day he screwed the first bitch and I just feel like I have been sucker punched again.
I feel like such an idiot for wasting the last 4 years of my life giving this asshole a chance.
I feel defeated, exhausted and betrayed all over again.
It’s like D-day all over again and I don’t have anything left in me.
I can’t live through this shit show again and I don’t know if I have the strength in me to fight him to get out of this marriage.

Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

I can’t live through this shit show again and I don’t know if I have the strength in me to fight him to get out of this marriage.

Okay, so, one day at a time. You don't have to make any big life-changing decisions today.

Are you able to leave?

13 yrs,
No I’m not able to leave. I have a farm. The last time I visited my girlfriend for a week, he got sick, the place fell apart and the person who he got to look after the animals didn’t. I came home to a complete disaster and half my animals had no food or water.
It took me 3 days to get the place back in order.
I need a plan and I’m just reeling right now from the pain of this all again. I can’t think straight

What about getting HIM out instead of you leaving? Is that an option?

Annb,
I have asked him to leave multiple times. He says he needs some time to ‘organize’ things but doesn’t go.
One of the things that he had promised me on D-day 4 years ago was that if I ever wanted him to leave at anytime that he would respect my decision and go. He hasn’t done that and will continue to treat me like the fool he thinks I am. I need a plan and don’t know where to start.
I also looked through his phone and read some texts between him and our adult daughter and was shocked to see some stuff that she wrote about me. I can’t trust anyone right now.

AFTER33,

so sorry you're at the same place again....

Well, then move him to the barn!

It's not your fault, if you're done, you're done. What a bunch of disrespect towards you, no words....

Just today in the book I read : Serenity Prayer in the 12 step program:

Serenity to accept things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Strength to you and ((())))!

Thank you Truth,
Thanks to everyone for replying to my post.
I just feel so incredibly alone.
So incredibly stupid for giving him a chance only to end up here again.
Four more years wasted of my life.
I would have been so much better off had I kicked his ass out the door on D-day.
How could I have fallen again for this?
The so called remorse, the complete 180 he did. He treated me so different, so loving and sweet. Told me everything would be different, that he was a shitty husband to me and would spend the rest of his life loving me the way that I deserved to be loved and cherished. I fell for this shit, all of it and reached a level of intimacy with him that we had never had before. Things were good until they weren’t and that’s what really hurts. That he played me, again. That I felt and experienced how good it was. I wish I never would have felt anything because you never miss what you never had. I feel like I’m dying inside.

Two things. First a good attorney. In fact get a bulldog.
Second, make a priority list. Then do the first thing. Once that is done do the next. Don’t look at the whole picture. It’s too much for you right now. Just continue to do the next thing…..and that should be the lawyer.

Pack all of his shit into trash bags and put it out on the front porch. "Here you go honey I organized everything for you."

If you have any access to his messages to escorts, report him to the police for soliciting a prostitute. Who knows, maybe that will get him out of your hair for at least a night. If there’s nothing overt, you can also let the escort know you plan on reporting her to the cops. At the very least, she won’t want to do business with your husband anymore.

At the very least, his wife privileges have ended. You don’t make his meals, you don’t do his laundry, you don’t do jack shit for him. He’s a lousy room mate.

Oh good grief! That sucks soooo bad.

I'm so sorry to hear that.
Yes, your mind is reeling. Your spirit has taken a blow.
And - you know the drill.

Breathe. Do what you can to sleep and eat.
Work on getting those ducks in a row.
It may be the end of a M, but it is NOT the end of the world.

Know that you are not a fool for trying. Sometimes things just don't turn out how we'd hoped. Some things are just not in our control.

Good grief, I'm so so sorry.

Read up on the 180. Then institute it.

You may have to live with him but you don’t have to accept his behavior.

Stop making breakfast for him. Stop being his wife. Move him to a different bedroom. Stop doing his laundry.

Get a life outside the home that doesn’t include him.

I feel like I’m dying inside.

All of us or at least most of us have felt this way on D day. I lost count of all my D day's when I was in the thick of it.

You know the routine here. Start practicing the 180 and listen to those who've been around here for awhile. They can guide you out of your personal hell that you are going through.

There is hope. Hang in there. In time you will gather your strength and come out on top of this... you will be okay.

At the very least, his wife privileges have ended. You don’t make his meals, you don’t do his laundry, you don’t do jack shit for him. He’s a lousy room mate.

This. And really put some effort into not doing any wifely duties. If he can look up escorts, he can cook , clean, etc. on his own. After a little bit, the overwhelming feeling inside will start to subside.

Thanks to everyone for their advice and words of encouragement.
I have started the 180.
He came into my bed last night and woke me up trying to put his arm around my waist. I didn’t say a word to him just got out of bed, went downstairs and slept on the couch. Tonight I will make sure that my bedroom door is locked.
I got up with the worst migraine ever, went out to the barn, let out the animals, fed and watered them. That’s all I can do for now. I am so incredibly exhausted. I scrambled eggs this morning, ate had a tea and have gone back to bed to sleep while he’s at work.
I need to get some rest as my body is at it’s limit with all of the stress. I will take it hour by hour for now until I get my strength back.

You have children so if I knew my father was putting my mother threw this I would protect my mother and confront my father . Tell your children! They deserve to know . I am sorry this less then Zero husband has so little respect for you .

Could you arrange to see a lawyer and figure out what D could look like?

Pack all of his shit into trash bags and put it out on the front porch. "Here you go honey I organized everything for you."

I love this!

I'm so sorry you're back again. Please understand that you were not a fool for trusting and believing and hoping. You did everything you could to save the marriage.

Could you arrange to see a lawyer and figure out what D could look like?

Do this so that you can have some peace of mind.

It's funny to talk about putting his crap on the porch, but I wouldn't escalate anything until you know what you're dealing with legally.

I need to get some rest as my body is at it’s limit with all of the stress. I will take it hour by hour for now until I get my strength back.

Good plan. Do what you have to with with the animals and take good care of yourself. You could even plead illness to the H, if you want to, to keep him away from you without confrontation.

They don't change. I gave my WW fifteen more years and she threw it all away again, except for me I had already reached the point of not caring. Please love yourself and get out of this toxic situation. You will feel so free. It is a wonderful feeling when they finally leave and you can live again.

I don't have advice. I just wanted to say how sorry and sad I am for you that your daughter has also written texts that have betrayed you. That's truly terrible that you are dealing with both items.