Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
It’s happening again!!! I can’t go through this again!

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 After33years (original poster Member #61815) posted at 2:53 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Today was my first day of trying the 180.
I was okay. My grandkids came over for breakfast, it was WH day off (the grandkids usually come over) so the grandkids and I made breakfast as usual.
My granddaughter picked out the eggs for her Papa and cooked them. We all sat down and ate. I was uncomfortable ( didn’t show it) and I need to find a way so that this doesn’t happen again.
I babysit my grandkids every other weekend and one day a week.
How do I do the 180 with him when my grandkids are around?
They are 8 and 5 years old.

Always trust your gut.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Canada
id 8686942
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 2:13 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

I did this during my H’s Affair. My kids were a bit older.

I was nice to him in front of others.

I ignored him if kids weren’t home.

I let him eat at the table with me only if kids were around.

Otherwise I was not eating with him or fixing any food for him.

You will get the hang of it. And after a few days it will get easier.

I’m sorry you have to face this.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:14 PM, Friday, September 3rd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8686983
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 2:50 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Second, make a priority list. Then do the first thing. Once that is done do the next. Don’t look at the whole picture.

Once you are ready, start the list. I don't think you want him around anymore. Make sure the family knows, just the facts, why he will have to move out. He sees HOOKERS. WTF. SO disrespectful and disgusting. Grandkids can just know that Grandpa didn't want to be married anymore because he liked other women,or whatever you feel comfortable with. Trying to cover this shit up can be harder on you than the actual abuse.

I would keep your own screen shots etc. proving the hookers. This will be good to have legally or to persuade him going forward as someone else mentioned I think.

What a beautiful scene, you and the grandchildren with what should have been an equally loving grandfather. What a doufess! Dumb Ass! How can he just throw that away. You get to keep it without him though!

DO NOT let him steal building those memories with them. If you possibly can, still try your best enjoy small special moments with them (and by yourself) during the 180. I know it's hard but time is short with little kids and you have the right to enjoy them in spite of weirdo deceitful cheater.

Keep taking good care of yourself. You will adjust enough to move forward and remove this thorn from your life.

posts: 621   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8686991
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 7:14 PM on Saturday, September 4th, 2021

I’ve polite and respectful to him when the grandkids are around; that’s all that’s required of you.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8687142
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 After33years (original poster Member #61815) posted at 2:32 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Been doing the 180,
He hasn’t really said anything.
Just goes to work, comes home and passes out on the couch.
Sept 7th, 2017 is the night he screwed her.
I’m sure he’s not even aware of the day.
Had a rough day, going to bed now. Hopefully I can get some sleep. Tomorrow is another shit day, that’s the day he gave me an STI after not touching me for 5 years prior.
Don’t know why I’m rambling on, guess I just need to get it out.
I hope everyone else is having a better day.

Always trust your gut.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Canada
id 8687518
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 3:22 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Been doing the 180,
He hasn’t really said anything.
Just goes to work, comes home and passes out on the couch.

Why bother staying? What kind of a life is that?

I hope things get better.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8687524
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:11 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

You are married to a coward. He doesn’t even ask "what is happening here?" Or anything like that.

Wow! He really is just a jerk isn’t he?!

I hope one day you decide not to let him come home and pass out in your home on the couch. You deserve better than that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8687545
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:41 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

With the best of intentions – the 180 is NOT to change the WS behavior towards you. It’s to make YOU realize you are not emotionally dependent on him.

The reason he does this is because – probably due to past behavior – he knows this will blow over. I have a comparable time with my wife as you have in your marriage and I know my wife so well that if needed I can start an argument that can get me exactly the required amount of not-talking-to-you time to catch a game, but then make up before dinner.
Sleep on the couch, no talking etc. for a couple of months and after that thing will go back to normal. He’s depending on that.

If you want to change you need to create the conditions conductive to change.
I can also near-guarantee one thing to you: Your life without him would be OK, whereas his life without YOU would be misery. And he knows that…

This is what I would suggest doing:
Tell him that you realized you can’t stop him from humiliating you and devaluing your marriage by going to escorts. So you are giving him the freedom to do all that. Only not as your husband.
Until and unless he clearly shows you with actions and tells you in words he wants you and the marriage you are simply assuming he’s decided to go outside the marriage and that therefore all that’s left is the formal process of ending it.
No – no need for you two to argue about the details. You are getting an attorney to ensure a fair result. No rush – you want to do some research and tread carefully, but unless you are convinced otherwise this is going on.

Then go make a lasagna – for one. Don’t argue, don’t go into "I had to get an escort because…". There is no reasoning or arguing. The ONLY thing that can slow you down is if he tells you that he acknowledges his actions are wrong and tells you how he will show you he’s changing. And then shows you.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8687549
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HoldingonLou ( New Member #79244) posted at 6:50 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

My heart aches for your sorrow. 33 years is a long time invested in life with someone. You have alot on your hands. Running a farm with animals to care for and your grandkids. I am in awe of you and your ability. Have you attempted to reach out to someone to support you and help you focus on your needs? Maybe a counselor or a pastor at a church? I would find someone who can help support the emotional part of you and then talk with a lawyer to get a bigger picture of things and how they will effect you. You need to know the laws where you live and how it effects all the two of you have together. You don't have to make any drastic decisions but a seperation would really help to create a bigger picture. Have you considered mentioning to him there is help out there for physical addictions but it is up to him to seek it?

I think everyone just imagines if I ditch the issue annoying me up front, everything else will fall into place. If only that were true. There is so much more to ending a long term marriage as a lawyer can explain. I pray you can find some peace in all this and know that you are loved by many. I have no doubts in that considering all that you do.

I would be upfront with him. When my husband had an affair, I certainly did not initiate sexual activity but if it did happen I made him wear protection. I made sure he knew he was endangering the lives of his children's parents. Yes I felt sick if he came near me but I made sure he knew I knew and something had to change or life as he knew it was going to change. It took a long time for hurt feelings and anger to disolve. That's why I believe in looooong seperations.

Essentially it is your decision to make and live with. No one can do that for you. If you have a faith as I do, I would rely on it heavily. I spent alot of time in conversation with my higher power. I will be praying for you.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021   ·   location: United States of America
id 8687590
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 7:12 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Take his sorry ass to the cleaners.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8687596
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 After33years (original poster Member #61815) posted at 8:37 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Thank you to everyone for replying, the suggestions and comments.
(Sorry, I am terrible at texting)

1. I read in the 180 that it’s a way to detach yourself from the situation and regain your strength and self respect. I am trying to do that but it’s really hard. No, I don’t believe for one second that he actually gives a shit about me and I’m not trying to get a reaction from him. Nonetheless, it still hurts that he doesn’t even seem to realize that anything is different. I don’t even know if I’m explaining myself properly.
2. I can’t leave as I have animals and a farm to take care of and can’t afford to hire someone to do it or walk away from it right now without losing a lot of money.
3. I need to try and convince him to start severing some lots on the property as a way to generate excess revenue so that I will be able to walk away with enough money to start a new life for myself.
4. I feel that I need to tread lightly because he can be such a spiteful prick. He stands to inherit a lot of money and could walk away tomorrow and be financially fine till his dying day. So for him to be a dick and force the sale of the farm wouldn’t hurt him in the least. I on the other hand will only get half of this farm and that’s not enough to start a new life. I need the property severed several times to walk away with enough money to start over.
I hope this clarifies things a bit.

Always trust your gut.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Canada
id 8687611
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:23 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

It seems as though you have clarity and a plan.

Excellent starting point.

I too had to hope my H didn’t just walk out - I needed 90 days as I had no $ in my name.

I was lucky to get 6 months. And by then financially I was ok for the next year if he never gave me a penny.

I think you are very smart and can play this off. BTW you don’t have to D him. You just need to be independent so if you do decide to D you will be ok. But for now just formulate a plan. Not everyone can just kick their spouse to the curb upon learning of an affair.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8687628
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 10:52 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

He stands to inherit a lot of money and could walk away tomorrow and be financially fine till his dying day.

How's his health? blush

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 439   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8687629
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 11:15 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I dunno. If you feel like you're blocked on all fronts, you have nothing much to lose by confronting him in a "this is how it's gonna be" type confrontation. There's no point in playing coy. Just look him right in the eye and tell him straight up that if he wants sex, he needs to repair his marriage, because if he thinks he can sneak off to an escort without every human being he's ever met hearing about what a nasty old goat he is, he can think again. Don't be nice about it. Tell him, "you have two options, either fix your shit or live celibate. I'm done playing games with you and if you think I'm gonna go along to get along, you're sadly mistaken. We can live like married or we can live like room-mates, but you will NOT go behind my back and cheat on me again, because if you do, I'll destroy your ass this time."

You're trying to do the 180, but in your WH's position, the 180 is easy to ignore. He can just go about his business and keep trying to arrange hookers behind your back. (And don't call them "escorts". That sounds like they're helping senior citizens cross the street. Call them prostitutes or hookers. These people are not checking backgrounds and they don't give a shit who they hurt.) But if he chooses to keep sneaking around, he's going to get caught and this time, you'll go nuclear on his ass. He doesn't need to know that you're worried about the farm or that you don't feel like you have choices. A little bluster can go a long way. Who knows?... maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass and come to the negotiating table. Crazier things have happened.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8687632
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 11:09 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Thank you to everyone for replying, the suggestions and comments.
(Sorry, I am terrible at texting)

1. I read in the 180 that it’s a way to detach yourself from the situation and regain your strength and self respect. I am trying to do that but it’s really hard. No, I don’t believe for one second that he actually gives a shit about me and I’m not trying to get a reaction from him. Nonetheless, it still hurts that he doesn’t even seem to realize that anything is different. I don’t even know if I’m explaining myself properly.


This makes complete sense.

I hope this clarifies things a bit.


It does. The longer you 180, the easier it becomes. It sounds like you have to detach from completely, live a separate life, and be married in paper only until you can fully cut yourself clean. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. But you sound like you’re clear headed, you would be out the door but for the circumstances.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8687789
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 11:21 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Go get some free consultations with three lawyers to see what your options and expectations for divorce R. Arm yourself with knowledge.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8687791
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