Newest Member: Qashess

New Beginnings :
One year ago today

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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 5:28 AM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

One year ago today I was blindsided when the woman I had been dating for 2-1/2 years broke up with me over the phone, with little explanation, and "didn’t want to discuss it." A week later, my "best friend" of 36 years was acting strange about my breakup and pretty much ended our 36 year friendship. A few months ago, I learned that his girlfriend broke up with him. A common friend spoke with her and she said she actually broke up with him once right after my GF broke up with me, because he was spending too much time talking with my exGF after our breakup, and his GF thought he was trying to get with my ex. Hmmm, that’s what I thought too. I also got confirmation that my exGF had been cheating on me with another dude from her past. They started dating publicly very soon after she broke up with me, and I’m told they’re no longer together.

To me, this is all sad, because none of it needed to happen. I truly loved her and was planning to propose. She abandoned that to cheat on me with a guy whom she’s no longer with, just one year later. My ex "best friend" screwed me over for a girl that he never got to be with, or maybe he got to be with once. They both lost. What a shame. Didn’t need to happen this way.

I’m doing much better, but I still miss them both. There’s no going back to either of them, and that’s sad. But life is what it is.

A couple weeks ago, I broke up with a woman I had dated for 4 months. As much as I wanted that relationship to work, she had some FOO issues that created problems in our relationship that surfaced at two months in, and became progressively worse over the past two months.

I’m not sure why I’m posting. I think, I might just want to be "heard". I never got "closure" from either my exGF or my ex "best friend", and I’m sure I never will. She was the first and only person I’ve loved in the 5-1/2 years since my exWW. In many ways, this one hurt more than my divorce, because this exGF knew what my exWW did, and then she did the exact same thing. Couple that with the loss of my ex best friend, and it’s a big blow.

Intellectually, I know I’m better off with both of them out of my life, but emotionally, it was a sh!tstorm.

I just wanted to share my thoughts tonight. Thanks for anyone reading/listening.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8686064
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yewtree ( member #16671) posted at 5:05 PM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

I’m sorry this happened to you. Your ex best friend did you a favor by showing you who both of them are.
Do something comforting for yourself today.

Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.

posts: 4940   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2007
id 8686107
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 6:05 PM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

Wow,GTS, has it been a year already? I remember when this happened to you. You struggled the first few months. It was a lot to deal with all at once.

You sound much better now, with some lingering disappointment of course. I'm not surprised to hear that your ex friend and ex-girlfriend are both without the people they thought they wanted. This is generally how it goes.

When all is said and done, you are doing much better than they are. Onward, friend.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4364   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8686113
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 9:30 PM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

You were never going to get closure from either directly. They showed themselves for who they were and having the decency to grant you that closure weren't part of that
Truthfully, If it had been neither would have betrayed you the way they did. Keep putting yourself out there. You'll find someone who does deserve you.

posts: 750   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8686132
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 3:11 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Thanks everyone. Yes, in many ways I can’t believe it’s been a year as well. Part of me feels like it was just last week. Part of me feels like it’s been a few years. I’m so thankful for the amazing folks in this site who helped me when I was at a low. Even the ones who disagreed with my decisions. You all helped. Just strange that this all had to happen, and so soon after going through the infidelity and deceit in my marriage.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8686173
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 8:01 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Glad to hear you're doing better, I know how hard it was for you to let them both go.

posts: 161   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8686275
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 2:32 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Hey GTS, Good to see you back on here!

Anyways, I am glad to see you got some closure, and this update does explain a lot. One in particular is your ex-bf's strange behavior. I had suspected at the time that something was up between your ex at the time and your ex-bf. I have no idea why other posters in your thread last year didn't see that. And I thought many of the responses to your thread, which had blamed you for the falling out with your ex-bf, missed the mark frankly.

In any event, your ex-GF does sound awfully wayward, and that you did not propose to her, is definitely a blessing for you. Onward and upward!

posts: 292   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8687695
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 6:41 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Thanks WontBeFooledAgain and ScaredWoman.

Scared Woman, It's been very hard, and while I've come a long way, I haven't completely been able to let them both go. I've had no contact with exGF since running into her and OM at a sports bar back in January. I haven't initiated contact with exBestFriend since last November, when I told him I had finally tested negative from Covid. He's posted "HBD" (I guess it was too difficult to write "Happy Birthday" on my Facebook page back in February, and he texted me something sports related in February. A couple months ago he texted me asking for a referral to an IC, which I mistook for him wanting a therapist for his daughter. I haven't seen him since running into him at a sports bar last November or communicated with him since his request for a IC back in June. I do miss them both quite a bit, but I'm not reaching out to either of them.

WontBeFooledAgain, yeah I took some unnecessarily harsh criticism from a handful of posters who as you said blamed me for the fallout between exBestFriend and me. I also took some harsh criticism for saying hello to exGF and OM at the sports bar back in January, and for trying to speak with her at the beach last Labor Day. I still think I didn't do anything wrong in either of those instances. Not saying I'm perfect, but if I could go back in time and experience the two instances with exGF or the interactions with exBestFriend post breakup, I would do the exact same thing in all situations.

The collective experience of it all has been challenging. Ending a 2-1/2 year relationship even on "good" terms is hard enough, but to be ghosted and not fully understand what the heck happened is horrible to go through. It's abandonment in it's most raw form. Couple that with my "best friend" not only refusing to help me, but instead kicking me while I'm down and trying to move in on my exGF is a real kick in the teeth. Believe me, I would prefer to have been wrong in my gut instincts, but unfortunately that's just not the case.

As WontBeFooledAgain (and many others) have said, I dodged a bullet by not marrying exGF. Even though it hurts, and still hurts, it could have been tremendously worse. And, while it sucks to lose a best friend of 36 years, at least he showed me who he really is, and that's not the person I want by my side any more.

What's really disappointing, is that after the crap I went through in my divorce, when I met exGF I really thought the universe was rewarding me and showing me how much better life could be. I was happy in that relationship, and I honestly would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with her. So weird to feel that way, all while she was making other plans. But that's why there's this website.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8688079
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 1:07 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

but to be ghosted and not fully understand what the heck happened is horrible to go through.

Here's where I disagree about closure.

Her actions alone should give you some clarity on the fact that she wasn't invested in the relationship, was insensitive to your feelings and likely has issues that make her a poor prospect for a long term relationship. How she handled ending the relationship speaks very poorly for her ability to be a healthy partner. You're seeing this as not typical of her, but certainly if you take off the rose-colored glasses, you'll see this was totally in character for her.

Closure is not an event. It's a journey of understanding and developing more grounded perspective. So many people think that a last conversation or something of that nature is going to magically make everything crystal clear. I think you're waiting for that moment instead of taking the steps in the journey towards clarity.

I'd take a hard look at the close relationships in your life, as it seems that the two closest relationships seem to be not what you think they are. Someone who has been a "best friend" for more than 30 years should not be behaving in this way with you. And
certainly the woman with whom you were in a committed relationship should not be behaving in this way. Perhaps some IC would help you with perspective as to WHY you are choosing people to be in your life who are not loyal in the ways that you believe they are.

Just an observation.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32939   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8688736
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twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I echo the "wow it's already been a year?" sentiment. I remember the thread well. You sound stronger this time around. Good to hear an update......not the update I know you wanted, but you are free now to continue searching if you choose to.

I'm one of the posters that didn't jump to the conclusion about the ex friend having something going on with GTS exgf. It was an emotional situation during an emotional and traumatic time for a lot of people (Covid). It was entirely plausible that the 2 events happening at the same time may not mean that they are related to each other. Heightened emotions can cause us to put conclusions together that aren't necessarily factual. Neither here nor there now.

Glad to see you back GTS.

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 409   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8689063
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 7:16 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

Catwoman: Thanks! You make some excellent points. One of the things I have been working on with IC has been doing a better job of carefully analyzing all of the relationships (friendships, business relationships, and personal relationships) in my life and aiming higher. I didn't necessarily need a "final conversation" per se, but I think the ending of the relationship could have been handled much better. Was there a perfect ending or thing she could have said? Probably not, but a complete ghosting was extremely hurtful to someone who has/had abandonment issues from my divorce and exwife cheating. Aside from this woman and my exWW, I have remained friendly with nearly all of the other women I have dated in the past. I'm not hoping to go on a picnic with her, but I think you get the point I'm trying to make. After dating for 2-1/2 years and intertwining our children into the relationship, I think I deserved a better ending to that relationship.

Twicefooled: I appreciate all of your input and support on the thread. I didn't WANT to believe that my ex-best friend was involved, but his behavior towards me at that time was loud and clear. This was the same guy who was dragging me out of the house when I was dealing with my exWW cheating and the ensuing divorce. I have also been there for him when his previous relationships had ended. The way he treated me a year ago was absolutely despicable. You do make a good point about Covid impacting people's mindset and behavior in general, but this guy had just begun a new relationship that he was seemingly excited about, he wasn't letting Covid stop him from going out, and right up until the breakup, he and I would typically talk on the phone 4-5 times per week about life, women, sports, etc. My relationship with him had an equally abrupt ending as my relationship with my exGF. It made no sense.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8690081
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