Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
I just need to tell my story.

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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 5:11 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I believe my best work is yet to come.

Your strength through all of this is admirable. I might have stated this before and I'm stating it again.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8689049
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:30 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

If you must confront him do so with your lawyer present. This guy is a master at gaslighting so warn the attorney what he does. I don’t think you need to ever see him again by yourself. What a piece of work he is.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8689052
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 4:40 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

So, every day is another day when I have to have anxiety over the confrontation

You don’t have to confront him. Let the lawyer do the work.

What is your goal? To get out of infidelity. How are you doing that? By D him. How does confronting him help you achieve your goal?

He doesn’t deserve your time or energy. Try sudoku instead laugh

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1440   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8689134
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 DeceivedInDetroit (original poster new member #79302) posted at 10:34 PM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

My husband is still out of town. He called and we argued about something. He was mentioning something he thinks I did wrong. It had to do with the upholstery in our car.

I said, "I have told you so many times. Whenever you get mad at me, it's always for THINGS. You have fucked me over in so many unbearable ways that you always refuse to solve, and yet you come at me with THINGS. Why don't you berate me because we don't spend enough time together? Why don't you bring up the fact that we are not around friends and family and we have no kids? That we never go anywhere we might make friends and not be so alone here? No, you always bring up the car upholstery or whether I have triple checked the prices for your store because you always think I have entered the wrong prices in the system."

He said, "As soon as I say something to you, you have to go right to that topic! ALWAYS!"

I said, "Oh, you poor creature! I keep bringing up things that have to do with our relationship, our family, matters of feeling, of fairness, of honesty. That's pretty tough. I don't know how you bear me."

I brought up the matter with the OW. I said, "I am congratulating myself that I can still wake up and put my feet on the floor and put on a cheerful face and go run your business for you as best I can, or spend all day at home doing it, while waiting for you to come back and discuss this matter? Do you really think that your unhappiness with the car upholstery can compare with what I have to bear from you and all your running around and screwing all these women, all these years?"

I know it was wrong to do it but I just couldn't take it.

"I am not screwing any women," he said.

"Oh, really? When did you stop? Yesterday, or was it this morning?"

He changes the subject.

I said, "Wait. I want you to know that when you get back, I need to settle that matter right away. You need to think very carefully about what you are going to say because you don't know what I know about this. If I can't get satisfaction from you, I am more than willing to drag her into it, and if you find a way to keep her out of it, I will drag her colleagues, the employees of the bank, into it, one by one, until you will never be able to show your face in Detroit Michigan ever again as long as you live."

I know all this was wrong. I shouldn't waste my time. I shouldn't give him the heads up. I just became unhinged. It's not even what he did. It's the denial. The cool and calm denial. I have text messages they exchanged in 2016 which I have saved all these years because I was gaslighted into believing it was nothing and I needed to know if that matter continued, or he left it alone like I asked. I have phone bills showing all the calls and messages. I have screenshots she sent me. I just didn't put it all together until recently when he cheated on the OW and she confronted me.

I know he may never admit it and probably once he realizes I am leaving him for good, he will clam up even further. I need to remember, abusers never make things right. Even when they want to seem contrite, they can't make it right. If the ship is going down, it will have to go down without an admission. I really can't believe that the man I love so much and who loves me so much is such a twisted SOB.

I've been strong till now but frankly I am going to come unhinged when it comes to the confrontation and we have to solve this. But maybe not! Maybe he will keep dodging the matter until papers are put in his hand.

Qui vole un oeuf, vole un boeuf.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8689284
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 12:16 AM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Dear DeceivedInDetroit,

You've been heard. It is so difficult to hold it all in when face with all his denials and obfuscations, no soubt. Honestly, you are doing very well under the circumstances. You've probably read it here that many BSs feel paralyzed and live in limbo for an extended period of time. Don't be too hard on yourself. No one is born to know what to do 100% of the time when facing infidelity.

Good luck and continue to put forth your plan to get your WH out of your life.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8689292
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:44 AM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Please Please PLEASE
Do NOT confront him alone and without others around.
Go to a restaurant, a public park that is busy.

I know you are right there on the edge and now that you have made up your mind whats next you are struggling to wait. You need to understand that with his history of gaslighting and manipulation that when you take control back he may snap. He certainly won't like it. He will attempt to take back control. Being in a public place keeps you safe.
Lastly keep a bag packed in your vehicle that will allow you to leave the situation if it gets ugly. Meaning your important papers medication and cash. We have seen everything here from a pissed WS beating their spouse to closing all accounts reporting credit cards stolen and leaving you without a way to take care of yourself. Protect yourself.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18970   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8689304
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 DeceivedInDetroit (original poster new member #79302) posted at 2:07 AM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Tushnurse:

Thank you for your concern, most of all, and also for your good advice.

My circumstances have changed and I will not confront him in person.

I agree, he might snap, especially when he realizes I am entitled to half of the marital assets. I am sure he considers them all HIS assets. He will also lose his mind when he realizes I will not be fooled or put off this time.

I am really shocked and even scared when he coolly denies being with ANY other woman. That's why I tried to tip him off that I know things this time, more than I did in the past, and I will not be put off again. I won't be made a fool of again. The scary thing is, the paper trail I have back to 2016 until just a few weeks ago, shows me I am right beyond a shadow of a doubt, but he's completely denying it all. It scares me.

To return to your point, I will be in another state when he gets back and I will never need to go back there again unless I have to appear in court, and maybe not even then.

Qui vole un oeuf, vole un boeuf.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8689314
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 3:59 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

I don't think what you said to him was wrong. You gave him enough information to understand that you will no longer put up with or accept any of his BS. It seems that you've kept yourself safe with being out of the home already, and any personal confrontation will be met either with others present or over the phone. At this point I can't imagine any reason to still speak to him; let the attorneys take over from here. You've made your point clear with him and you have the evidence that you need. No reason to even see him anymore. I'm sorry.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8689369
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 8:30 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

To return to your point, I will be in another state when he gets back and I will never need to go back there again unless I have to appear in court, and maybe not even then.

This is such a relief. You've got this!

posts: 5011   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8689405
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 10:20 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

You are an extremely smart woman who is just starting to realize the strength you have. You will be a force to be reckoned with.

Stay smart. Stay safe.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18970   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8689433
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 1:09 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

You don’t need to convince him that he’s cheating. YOU are convinced, that’s all that matters.

He doesn’t even need to know why you are D him. Save yourself the drama. Just tell him you two have grown apart, or some other generic break up reason. He doesn’t even deserve to know why you are D him.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1440   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8689467
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:34 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Deceived, will your STBXWH know where you are after he returns? Meaning, have you moved back with your family? I'm curious if you think he'll try to track you down once he realizes you are gone.

I think it's great that you left. You've moved on and there is no reason to waste any more time discussing or fighting. I hope your attorney is good and you receive what you are looking for.

posts: 1525   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8689689
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 DeceivedInDetroit (original poster new member #79302) posted at 2:17 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Update.

Wednesday, he came back from his trip. Wednesday and Thursday he repeatedly weaseled out of the promised discussion about the OW. In other words, the confrontation.

Friday morning, he called me like nothing was wrong, and said, sorry, I was so tired I fell asleep last night. I said, "We need to have this discussion. I would think you would be in a hurry to have it.

"I want to remind you that you were here with me when I got the calls and text messages from OW. You saw how upset I was. I was shaking and crying. In addition to this, you said you would get to the bottom of it, and somehow almost two months have gone by and you don't care a bit if we never discuss it.

I am asking you right now to choose the time we are going to speak. YOU set it. I don't care when. If you DO NOT have that conversation at the time of your choosing, we will not be speaking again. I will have no more to say and will not be interested in what you have to say."

He chose Friday night (that night) at 9PM. He then asked me what I wanted him to tell him during our discussion. I said, "I want you to tell me the truth. That's the only way. I have enough proof of what you did that it would stand up in a court of law if it were a criminal matter. I don't talk through my ass. I don't bluff, and I don't lie. Find some dignity and self-respect for yourself and tell the truth."

"Okay," he said.

"Will you inform OW that we may want to bring her in to the conversation, or shall I call her and do that?"

"I don't even have that bitch's phone number! Why would I have it?? I never talk to her."

"Gee, that's funny. Remember yesterday you wanted some information from our last phone bill? I checked while I was looking at it, and you spent more than an hour talking with her on August 10th. I know you had previously switched her to Whatsapp so her number wouldn't show up on our phone bill, but for some reason, you took a direct call from her on that day. So spare me the drama."


That night, Friday night, he called me at 8:40 to ask me a question about work. (I help him run his business.) I answered him and said, "So, I will be ready for your call in twenty minutes." He said, "I won't be home by then!" I said, "You have an office. You can also talk in the car, while you are driving, or anywhere. I don't care. You chose this time and I told you that you had to respect it." He begged me: "For God's sake!!! Please, please, please let me have this discussion tomorrow! Please, I'm begging you!"

I said, "NO. You have to call me at 9. At 9:15 exactly I am blocking your number and the numbers of the store and all the employees. After that, there will be no more talking."

That's exactly what I did. At 9:15, I blocked those numbers. At 9:16, I called my daughter and told her the whole story. I had not yet told her because I wanted everything to be in place before telling her. I didn't want to worry her. Once I blocked him, I wanted her to know in case he tried to call her. I instructed her to block him, as well. I am pleased to relate that she was not terribly upset because I was confident and cheerful. I was able to tell her all the steps I had taken and she felt good about it because I had thought of everything, and everything was in motion.

At around 9:45, the OW called me, sounding as if she had been drinking. She told me that he was supposed to have gone to her house, but he didn't show up, and asked me if we had spoken. I just said no. She spent fifteen minutes or so, drunkenly blathering about the details of their relationship. It was as if she was confiding her love problems to a sister or something. It was as if I was somehow expected to understand and sympathize. I told her that she didn't need to tell me these things. None of it was important any more. I was going to be out of the picture and she would have her chance to see if he would make good on his many promises. She became overcome with emotion after awhile-I could tell she was crying while talking with me-and it must have been too much for her because she finally hung up on me.

My husband, that arrogant SOB didn't try calling me till 10:30! I thought, "My God! He really had me boondoggled! I was really deeply gaslighted if he can be that confident of speaking with me, an hour and a half after the deadline he had chosen himself.

The next day, his calls started in earnest. He called dozens of times. He called from three or four different numbers. I took none of these calls. However, I knew that I had to give him some information for the business. There is a weekly order I usually place myself but I was not going to do it and I had to send him the login information. I sent him a text with this info, and I added the following:

"...OW is very upset. I don't know why. She called me again last night and told me even more about what the two of you did together, and what you did with other women. Of course, she should not have become the lover of a married man. But she is not my concern.

Every time you sent a text message, called her, met her, went to her home, went out with her, spent the night with her and all that-each time was a decision to cheat on me. You knew I was going to the bank. You knew that bank employees knew more about my own marriage than I did, and yet you let me become the laughing stock of the community.

This is not a mistake. It's a series of thousands of decisions that you made. You did this to yourself. I am really sorry that you did not value our marriage enough to keep yourself from repeatedly shitting on it.

Finally, please do not contact my child."

But WAIT! There's MORE!

He called me dozens of times yesterday. He must have been frantic. The OW called me again. (She's turning out to be my BFF.) She told me she was on her way to meet him, and she would tell me what transpired. I told her that I didn't need to know, but she called me back anyway.

They met at a coffee shop. He told her that his wife was his wife, he needed her to run the business, he was never going to leave her and she was never going to leave him, and OW had to decide if she wanted to stay with him, knowing that.

She apparently threw her drink all over him and stalked out, after cursing him out.

She called me and was weeping uncontrollably. She related the whole thing and then started venting. Told me about how she had spent the night in my bed on multiple occasions, and in more than one home. Knew all my furnishings and the layout of all apartments. Told me he had told her that she was not his first long term affair since we arrived in Detroit. He had one other long term affair with a woman he picked up in an office, shortly after we arrived. There were other liasons he told her about. Of course, he broke it off before taking up with OW. She would not accept being cheated on.

She also told me I was unable to have intimate relations due to a bicycle accident, and I would never again be able to have them. I was shocked and said, "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" Like, how is that possible? I slipped and shoved the handebars up my lady bits or what? I said, "Didn't that seem odd to you? Like, have you ever heard of anything like that EVER?"

In any case, these and many other bits of useful information was disclosed.

Most people advised me not to have contact with the OW, but she has proven to be the best thing yet. She did apologize to me in a manner of speaking, not that that matters, but I told her that when I added it all up, the sum total is that she did me a great favor and I feel like that kind of evens it out. The fact is, I did years of crying and being bullied, ridiculed and being told I was crazy. My tears dried up pretty quickly once the facts started rolling in.

This was a long post, but believe me, it was still the abbreviated version.

Once again, the advice and guidance of everyone here, coupled with the excellent resources listed and the books that were recommended to me...it was all instrumental in everything that has happened so far.

The doorknob comment: I have paid the retainer to the lawyer so they will prepare and file the papers, and serve him. This may happen as early as the middle of the week. He won't know what hit him. I still think he believes this will blow over. That's what I want him to think.

My first appointment with a therapist is tomorrow. I already did the intake.

I am sure there will be more and I will fill you all in.

Cheers!

Qui vole un oeuf, vole un boeuf.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8690384
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 2:30 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Excellent update. He really is delusional. Stay strong and keep on keepin on.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8690386
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:46 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Wow! First, all of this must have been awful! Hang in there, you are doing great.

But - can't have sex because of a bicycle accident? laugh laugh laugh Maybe you smacked your lady bits on the frame and scar tissue grew over your vajayjay? I'm sorry for laughing, but that needs to be in any discussion that includes SSCS (Stupid Stuff Cheaters Say)

Seriously, please take care of yourself and be cautious. You don't know what he might do at this point.

Think of your individual therapy as similar to physical therapy. It's going to be uncomfortable and it's work. You should have a treatment plan, which is like a roadmap to wellness. You want to be well, and the treatment goals are like the mile markers you should pass along the way to get there. You may need to take side trips as things pop up, but that's normal.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8690396
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 4:28 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Deceived, that last post is an inspiring example of how to deal with infidelity. Congratulations. Stay the course!

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8690401
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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 5:28 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

DiD,

I’m a BH that almost never post in BW/WH situations, because I don’t have a real point of reference.

With that said, I wish it were possible figuratively for you to donate a "ball" to a few of the current BH’s in JFO, because you have some to spare.

Admittedly, I don’t know all you endured to get to this point, but it sounds like your WH is the kind that stereotypes originate.

posts: 34   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8690405
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 10:42 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

You are doing everything perfectly. I look forward to the say that the D is final and you are free to pursue your own happiness completely.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3199   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8690410
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 3:47 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

DID, what an amazing turn around! You rock!

posts: 5011   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8690431
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

You go girl.
So his girlfriend is not the sharpest tool in the shed, brightest bulb in the pack, dumber than a bag of hammers? I could go on, but I hope you were able to find humor in this.
You got this.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18970   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8690459
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