Wednesday, he came back from his trip. Wednesday and Thursday he repeatedly weaseled out of the promised discussion about the OW. In other words, the confrontation.
Friday morning, he called me like nothing was wrong, and said, sorry, I was so tired I fell asleep last night. I said, "We need to have this discussion. I would think you would be in a hurry to have it.
"I want to remind you that you were here with me when I got the calls and text messages from OW. You saw how upset I was. I was shaking and crying. In addition to this, you said you would get to the bottom of it, and somehow almost two months have gone by and you don't care a bit if we never discuss it.
I am asking you right now to choose the time we are going to speak. YOU set it. I don't care when. If you DO NOT have that conversation at the time of your choosing, we will not be speaking again. I will have no more to say and will not be interested in what you have to say."
He chose Friday night (that night) at 9PM. He then asked me what I wanted him to tell him during our discussion. I said, "I want you to tell me the truth. That's the only way. I have enough proof of what you did that it would stand up in a court of law if it were a criminal matter. I don't talk through my ass. I don't bluff, and I don't lie. Find some dignity and self-respect for yourself and tell the truth."
"Okay," he said.
"Will you inform OW that we may want to bring her in to the conversation, or shall I call her and do that?"
"I don't even have that bitch's phone number! Why would I have it?? I never talk to her."
"Gee, that's funny. Remember yesterday you wanted some information from our last phone bill? I checked while I was looking at it, and you spent more than an hour talking with her on August 10th. I know you had previously switched her to Whatsapp so her number wouldn't show up on our phone bill, but for some reason, you took a direct call from her on that day. So spare me the drama."
That night, Friday night, he called me at 8:40 to ask me a question about work. (I help him run his business.) I answered him and said, "So, I will be ready for your call in twenty minutes." He said, "I won't be home by then!" I said, "You have an office. You can also talk in the car, while you are driving, or anywhere. I don't care. You chose this time and I told you that you had to respect it." He begged me: "For God's sake!!! Please, please, please let me have this discussion tomorrow! Please, I'm begging you!"
I said, "NO. You have to call me at 9. At 9:15 exactly I am blocking your number and the numbers of the store and all the employees. After that, there will be no more talking."
That's exactly what I did. At 9:15, I blocked those numbers. At 9:16, I called my daughter and told her the whole story. I had not yet told her because I wanted everything to be in place before telling her. I didn't want to worry her. Once I blocked him, I wanted her to know in case he tried to call her. I instructed her to block him, as well. I am pleased to relate that she was not terribly upset because I was confident and cheerful. I was able to tell her all the steps I had taken and she felt good about it because I had thought of everything, and everything was in motion.
At around 9:45, the OW called me, sounding as if she had been drinking. She told me that he was supposed to have gone to her house, but he didn't show up, and asked me if we had spoken. I just said no. She spent fifteen minutes or so, drunkenly blathering about the details of their relationship. It was as if she was confiding her love problems to a sister or something. It was as if I was somehow expected to understand and sympathize. I told her that she didn't need to tell me these things. None of it was important any more. I was going to be out of the picture and she would have her chance to see if he would make good on his many promises. She became overcome with emotion after awhile-I could tell she was crying while talking with me-and it must have been too much for her because she finally hung up on me.
My husband, that arrogant SOB didn't try calling me till 10:30! I thought, "My God! He really had me boondoggled! I was really deeply gaslighted if he can be that confident of speaking with me, an hour and a half after the deadline he had chosen himself.
The next day, his calls started in earnest. He called dozens of times. He called from three or four different numbers. I took none of these calls. However, I knew that I had to give him some information for the business. There is a weekly order I usually place myself but I was not going to do it and I had to send him the login information. I sent him a text with this info, and I added the following:
"...OW is very upset. I don't know why. She called me again last night and told me even more about what the two of you did together, and what you did with other women. Of course, she should not have become the lover of a married man. But she is not my concern.
Every time you sent a text message, called her, met her, went to her home, went out with her, spent the night with her and all that-each time was a decision to cheat on me. You knew I was going to the bank. You knew that bank employees knew more about my own marriage than I did, and yet you let me become the laughing stock of the community.
This is not a mistake. It's a series of thousands of decisions that you made. You did this to yourself. I am really sorry that you did not value our marriage enough to keep yourself from repeatedly shitting on it.
Finally, please do not contact my child."
But WAIT! There's MORE!
He called me dozens of times yesterday. He must have been frantic. The OW called me again. (She's turning out to be my BFF.) She told me she was on her way to meet him, and she would tell me what transpired. I told her that I didn't need to know, but she called me back anyway.
They met at a coffee shop. He told her that his wife was his wife, he needed her to run the business, he was never going to leave her and she was never going to leave him, and OW had to decide if she wanted to stay with him, knowing that.
She apparently threw her drink all over him and stalked out, after cursing him out.
She called me and was weeping uncontrollably. She related the whole thing and then started venting. Told me about how she had spent the night in my bed on multiple occasions, and in more than one home. Knew all my furnishings and the layout of all apartments. Told me he had told her that she was not his first long term affair since we arrived in Detroit. He had one other long term affair with a woman he picked up in an office, shortly after we arrived. There were other liasons he told her about. Of course, he broke it off before taking up with OW. She would not accept being cheated on.
She also told me I was unable to have intimate relations due to a bicycle accident, and I would never again be able to have them. I was shocked and said, "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" Like, how is that possible? I slipped and shoved the handebars up my lady bits or what? I said, "Didn't that seem odd to you? Like, have you ever heard of anything like that EVER?"
In any case, these and many other bits of useful information was disclosed.
Most people advised me not to have contact with the OW, but she has proven to be the best thing yet. She did apologize to me in a manner of speaking, not that that matters, but I told her that when I added it all up, the sum total is that she did me a great favor and I feel like that kind of evens it out. The fact is, I did years of crying and being bullied, ridiculed and being told I was crazy. My tears dried up pretty quickly once the facts started rolling in.
This was a long post, but believe me, it was still the abbreviated version.
Once again, the advice and guidance of everyone here, coupled with the excellent resources listed and the books that were recommended to me...it was all instrumental in everything that has happened so far.
The doorknob comment: I have paid the retainer to the lawyer so they will prepare and file the papers, and serve him. This may happen as early as the middle of the week. He won't know what hit him. I still think he believes this will blow over. That's what I want him to think.
My first appointment with a therapist is tomorrow. I already did the intake.
I am sure there will be more and I will fill you all in.