SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Even if she didn't get your number from the bank, she has access to your account while she's having an affair with your husband. That absolutely must change.

Your strength is admirable, I wish I had 1/4 of what you have when going through the early stagings of discovery. Stay strong and keep posting here; it's anonymous and full of helpful people to get you to the other side of this.

Sending strong vibes to a fellow Detroiter. Rule this, Detroit style.

I’m/we’re here for your forthcoming needs. Please use us as necessary.

Strength to you, Detroiter !

[This message edited by Cruel at 2:50 AM, Thursday, August 26th]

I wanted to update all of you who were so kind to write words of advice and encouragement.

I have taken all your advice to heart. I am not sure yet how this confrontation will go, but I have come to think that I don't really want or need (at least, not now) to go back to that place we were living. It would mean that I would have to live the lie with him that we were somehow together. I know he thinks we are, but I have come to understand that he has his own definition of what is acceptable.

I have read some books and articles recommended here. I am not inclined towards reconciliation because I do not think he will, after nearly twenty years of having it his way, agree to the least condition or restraint, and I know this means he doesn't feel he needs to change. Why take less reward for more participation, when he has had it so good all these years? I know now, since the penny dropped, that he has been cheating in one way or another for years, and takes it for granted that I will always be there for him.

He asked me to postpone dealing with this until he returns from his trip, and now that has been delayed until the end of the month. I have agreed to this, despite thinking that he has had years, why give him more time? But this buys me time to have a consultation with a good divorce attorney. I asked our business attorney, who is somewhat of a friend, to steer me to a good divorce lawyer, and it took me a few tries to get someone he would recommend that has openings for new clients. Our lawyer was sympathetic to my case. I will have that initial consultation done before my DH gets back from his trip. I am assuming, although I would not ask, that when my husband goes to our attorney for a referral, he will not get a referral to the same caliber of attorney. But even if he does, I am not worried that there will be any problems. My husband made sure we had no children, no home, but I built his business, side by side with him, and that will be my compensation.

Went to the gyno to get tested; so far, so good.

I read a few books that were recommended here, and the very best one so far has been, "Cheating in a Nutshell." It's excellent. I am a concrete thinker and hate it when someone tries to piss on my shoes and tell me that it's raining. So I appreciate the advice given in that book. I have asked the advice of a few friends, and gotten their perspectives. I sought some advice from some of my more religious friends, but our paths separate when I think that God does not want me to suffer a fool to my detriment, rather than thinking that putting up with that malarkey will somehow have a redemptive quality.

My main reason for posting this was to let you all know that your advice has not fallen on deaf ears. I have my bad days, my anxiety attacks, but I know in my heart of hearts that I am going to have to bail out of this mess and leave my husband to get on with the crazy bank teller. I could malign her but she did me a favor. I am going to advise him to stick with her, because that is going to be one very expensive piece of a$$. He should get his money's worth.

I am sure I seem confident but there's still some awful moments but I'm hanging in there, and I wouldn't be so sure of myself if I didn't have the help and advice of all of you. Thanks so much.

I’m sorry it has come to this but you have had some clarity regarding your marriage. I always say it’s not always the affair that kills the marriage but the behavior after the fact that is the issue.

You have to do what is best for you. Period.

Glad us SI veterans provided you with god advice.

Great update, DiD. You're so strong! You've got this! Let us know how it goes when he gets back.

Thank you so much for your update. I have been checking on your thread. I'm so impressed with the fact that you are understanding she has done you a favor.....It took me about 18 months to realize that the OW saved me from MYSELF endlessly putting up with the status quo! Loosing my WH was the toughest thing I've ever gone through but honestly I have lived a much more loving, peaceful life since. Even remarried years later. Wishing you peace going forward in all your decisions....S

I am going to advise him to stick with her, because that is going to be one very expensive piece of a$$. He should get his money's worth.

I just have to congratulate you for keeping your sense of humor through this really crummy experience. Good for you! I cracked up when I read that. And really quite apt too. Typically, the best punishment you could wish on a cheater is that they get what they thought they wanted. And the revenge on the OW... perfect. She did the "pick me" polka for years, and if she "wins", she'll keep on doing that "pick me" for the rest of her life without respite. Revenge served cold.

I am assuming, although I would not ask, that when my husband goes to our attorney for a referral, he will not get a referral to the same caliber of attorney.

Typically, any attorney you consult with will have a conflict of interest and won't be able to represent him. So, go ahead and interview several of the best ones in town.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:12 PM, Saturday, September 11th]

Question: What is the difference between free sex, and sex you have to pay for?

Answer: Free sex is more expensive, of course.

One thing to be aware of and avoid is 'abandoning the marital home. ' Your attorney can advise you, but in many areas you leaving home and not returning to it is bad.

Devotedman is correct that you should talk to your attorney. I think that is more of a concern when you have children. In most states, if you are married, you are an equal owner in your home.

In regards to the attorney recommendations from your business attorney, you should take consults with as many of them as you can, just so your WH can't hire them. let him find someone from a phone book (or google nowadays).

I'm glad you are starting to focus on your new life after the D. Make big plans for yourself and then go do them. I wish you the best.

DeceivedInDetroit -

Thank you for the update. Glad to hear you have found the advice helpful. Good on going to the GYN & being in the clear.

Given your husband asked to wait, I’m assuming that means you confronted him? When did that happen and how did that go? Are you still in touch with AP?

Hope you have also reported her to her employer, otherwise she still has access to your account.

Keep in mind your husband could also be asking you to wait in order to stall to also get his affairs in order the way you are, don’t put anything past him & keep your eyes open. Recommend having consults w/at least 3 attorneys, so that you ensure you are getting the most competent that you work best with. It also prohibits your STBXH from using the others b/c of the conflict.

Continue taking care of yourself & getting matters together. Your priority, along with your health, is to protect your interests. Despite how horrible this whole situation has been, you’re doing great. I’m sorry for your continued sorrow.

because that is going to be one very expensive piece of a$$

I’m assuming your user-name gives some clue to your location.
Michigan divorce law is clear on who owns what assets in divorce. You say "our" assets are in your name, but in divorce the name on the account, deed, or whatever isn’t necessarily the defining factor.
Your absolute first step – even more important than any confrontation or (IMHO) useless getting the OW fired – is to seek legal advice on "your" assets. You do not want a pissed-off soon-to-be-ex-husband, goaded on by his recently-fired-former-account-manager-at-a-bank fiancé trying to get at your savings.

Bigger,

I know I have sounded strong, and I think I am. I think the pummeling and gaslighting and stress from lies and infidelities, then the discovery of this latest one and the implications of it, really wore me down, but at the same time, made me stronger.

I think I did all my crying for the past ten years or more, and crying is largely over. But there is a lot of trauma. More than I recognized at first.

I realized I was in a situation where probably dozens of people, if not more, knew my husband was cheating on me with various women, and I was the only one who didn't know. When I found out, I felt like I was in some kind of fishbowl. Or I was some kind of spy who had to pretend to be someone they were not, keep a stiff upper lip, until I could extricate myself from the situation.

I started posting on infidelity groups on Facebook. But then I realized with a cold shock that the OW might be posting there, because she made it clear to me that she was the betrayed partner. He cheated on HER. Not me. Because he and I just had a marriage of convenience. It had to be true because he told her so.

I found this group and I am in deep cover. My user name shows neither the state where I was living with my husband, nor the state I am in now. I will say that I was in the Midwest and am now back on the East Coast.

It took me awhile to get an appointment with a good divorce attorney who was taking new clients, but I will have that meeting next week. Tomorrow I am going to my family attorney here. I have already sent through documents for my consultation. I am making a will to benefit my only child; I am making a power of attorney, health care proxy, living will, and health care power of attorney, etc. to give her full authority of all my assets and my decisions, starting right now. She is a smart lady and will protect my own interests better than I seemingly have, or would. In this way, I can do what I want, plan the next chapter of my life, and be fully protected at all times, starting immediately. The lawyer will adjust the documents, etc., as circumstances change.

When I see the lawyer tomorrow, I am going to find out the name of someone who can help me to decide what to do with anything I might gain from my divorce settlement, which will also be planned with my daughter as beneficiary.

In addition, I have made calls to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. I am not a newcomer to trauma but this one really pushed me to the brink. I lived on adrenalin all day and Captain Morgan all night until I could extricate myself from the situation without arousing suspicion, get my stuff packed into the car, and come back home, where I am now. But I was so terrified that the OW would be stalking me online that I deliberately obfuscated my personal details. I think she is capable of it, and maybe also capable of coming on to a website for betrayed partners in order to wail her "woe is me."

Part of what is dragging the trauma on even longer is that my husband is out of the country for the time being. I asked him about this woman who we both know, and he is acting completely innocent. He feels someone is trying to bring him down by interfering with his marriage. He told me he has a lot going on and wants to wait till he gets back to talk about it. I think he is hoping it will blow over but he probably knows it won't. So, every day is another day when I have to have anxiety over the confrontation and how it's going to end.

I'm starting to feel I'm in a better place now, and maybe one day when all of this is over I will visit Detroit for more than a pass through the airport. Apologies to all Detroiters. I am really not one of your natives.

Your STBXH’s response shows you that neither you nor your marriage are a priority.

He’s hoping to avoid the discussion snd it will be swept under the rug.

You have a solid plan. 👍🏻

Play your cards close to the best at all times.

He’s a lying cheating coward!!! That is what he has become. So sorry for you.

Deceived, do I understand that you moved out of your home? If so, and you have or are going to file for D, why have a confrontation with your STBXWH? It seems to me that you have nothing to discuss. Have him served and let him contact your attorney, if you would prefer not to deal with him. Other BS's have done similar things and left the WS to spin. You are protecting yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. Block his number and email. Leave him the name of your lawyer for his lawyer to contact. Just a suggestion, it might be the best for you based on your circumstances.

If so, and you have or are going to file for D, why have a confrontation with your STBXWH? It seems to me that you have nothing to discuss. Have him served and let him contact your attorney, if you would prefer not to deal with him.

This ^^^^^

I find it interesting that the OW felt the need to contact you. Maybe she finally realized that your WH was stringing her along, and never had any real intentions of going further with their relationship. It appears that your WH liked his lifestyle just the way it was. I'm glad that you're savvy to his shenanigans and have decided what you need for a happy future. Sounds like it's long past time to take care of you!

I found this group and I am in deep cover. My user name shows neither the state where I was living with my husband, nor the state I am in now.

Love this. I felt this was the case. Thankfully seems you’ve scrapped the idea of the set up w/the AP and WH. I also think there’s no reason to have an "ultimate confrontation" with him. You’ll be affording him an opportunity to try out whatever story he’s crafted & grill you to see what you know, how much you know and how you found out. There will be no honesty from him. But ultimately you do what you need to do & feel is best. As Tigersrule said, let him spin, leave him in confusion, paranoia and frustration. Don’t gift him any closure. He can come home to an empty house & shortly thereafter get served.

First of all, I just want to say that I would not be so sane, such as it is, if it were not for the encouragement and guidance of all of you. You all really help me to see the issues and the reality of things and keep my mind out of the rulebook I have been groomed to follow for the past 17 years or so.

I have (virtually) seen a divorce attorney, an estate planning attorney (want to get as many decisions as possible out of his hands now, and more after settlement), I downloaded our business and personal tax returns since 2014. I was able to download a year and a half of business bank statements from the bank portal. I am afraid to ask for more from the bank lest the OW find out, but what I have is enough, I think. (I am being extra cautious; after a four year affair, there's no way to know who at the bank is her friend.)

For those of you who are still trying to understand gaslighting in real time, here is my example. You will see what a mindfuck it is.

I've downloaded all the phone bills I can get my hands on. I will probably not ask for more because I don't need proof. It's just my defense against gaslighting. I can look at phone logs from before he switched her to an app, and in some months, they called or texted in excess of 150 times. Even after switching, she did call him a few times, and have logs for that as recently as April and May of this month. During my phone conversation with her, she told me things to make me sure he is still talking, texting and seeing her.

He's still saying he doesn't even have "that bitch's" (his term) phone number and no reason to ever contact her. Like, maybe a long time ago when she was with one of his friends who has now conveniently moved away? How can he be expected to remember something so insignificant from the far distant past? Can I just put the crazy talk aside? He's tired of it.

But..found the motherlode yesterday.

The motherlode is, once upon a time I used to look at his text messages. I used to save suspicious ones to my email. I searched the last four digits of her number in my email search box and found some saved texts.

One thread was like, Are you coming over?
Yeah! Give me your address. It's xyz.
Can you bring me this and that when you come?

I asked about this at the time and got a less than satisfactory answer. That's when I looked the number up on Facebook and saw it was that lady. I confronted him at that time and said I didn't want to hear his protests of innocence. It had to stop.

Another message from her: where are you? I can't wait much longer. Still waiting. I'm going home... I'm home alone now thanks to you, I'm kind of drunk and it's not too late to come over.

Another one,from her: Whatever you do, don't tell DeceivedinDetroit!

I had cut and pasted these into email drafts, along with other phone bills from that time. Of course, it shows her phone number, the same one she is using now.

The date on those messages? 2016.

Last night he called me. (We haven't had our confrontation yet, he asked me to wait till he gets home, which will be soon. And...I am already out of the home, staying with my family and that was planned so he doesn't suspect I'm not coming back. He may get an inkling when he gets back and sees most of my clothing gone, but maybe not.)

He asked me last night if I would be home by a certain date, and said, "We also have to settle the matter of the calls and texts you received from THAT BITCH." I said, "Don't worry, honey. That WILL be my priority. We don't have to do that in person. I am sure that this can be settled over the phone.

Of course...himself, and you, my gentle readers, have differing interpretations of that statement.

I also know from what she said, that he also calls me THAT BITCH when pressed about it. Maybe this is his way not to slip up when talking to us?

I am thinking that, considering all the stress and pressure and humiliation in general I've undergone in the past few years, I've not done such a bad job. I believe my best work is yet to come.

D-Day should happen next week and then it will be only a matter of days before papers are filed.