First of all, I just want to say that I would not be so sane, such as it is, if it were not for the encouragement and guidance of all of you. You all really help me to see the issues and the reality of things and keep my mind out of the rulebook I have been groomed to follow for the past 17 years or so.
I have (virtually) seen a divorce attorney, an estate planning attorney (want to get as many decisions as possible out of his hands now, and more after settlement), I downloaded our business and personal tax returns since 2014. I was able to download a year and a half of business bank statements from the bank portal. I am afraid to ask for more from the bank lest the OW find out, but what I have is enough, I think. (I am being extra cautious; after a four year affair, there's no way to know who at the bank is her friend.)
For those of you who are still trying to understand gaslighting in real time, here is my example. You will see what a mindfuck it is.
I've downloaded all the phone bills I can get my hands on. I will probably not ask for more because I don't need proof. It's just my defense against gaslighting. I can look at phone logs from before he switched her to an app, and in some months, they called or texted in excess of 150 times. Even after switching, she did call him a few times, and have logs for that as recently as April and May of this month. During my phone conversation with her, she told me things to make me sure he is still talking, texting and seeing her.
He's still saying he doesn't even have "that bitch's" (his term) phone number and no reason to ever contact her. Like, maybe a long time ago when she was with one of his friends who has now conveniently moved away? How can he be expected to remember something so insignificant from the far distant past? Can I just put the crazy talk aside? He's tired of it.
But..found the motherlode yesterday.
The motherlode is, once upon a time I used to look at his text messages. I used to save suspicious ones to my email. I searched the last four digits of her number in my email search box and found some saved texts.
One thread was like, Are you coming over?
Yeah! Give me your address. It's xyz.
Can you bring me this and that when you come?
I asked about this at the time and got a less than satisfactory answer. That's when I looked the number up on Facebook and saw it was that lady. I confronted him at that time and said I didn't want to hear his protests of innocence. It had to stop.
Another message from her: where are you? I can't wait much longer. Still waiting. I'm going home... I'm home alone now thanks to you, I'm kind of drunk and it's not too late to come over.
Another one,from her: Whatever you do, don't tell DeceivedinDetroit!
I had cut and pasted these into email drafts, along with other phone bills from that time. Of course, it shows her phone number, the same one she is using now.
The date on those messages? 2016.
Last night he called me. (We haven't had our confrontation yet, he asked me to wait till he gets home, which will be soon. And...I am already out of the home, staying with my family and that was planned so he doesn't suspect I'm not coming back. He may get an inkling when he gets back and sees most of my clothing gone, but maybe not.)
He asked me last night if I would be home by a certain date, and said, "We also have to settle the matter of the calls and texts you received from THAT BITCH." I said, "Don't worry, honey. That WILL be my priority. We don't have to do that in person. I am sure that this can be settled over the phone.
Of course...himself, and you, my gentle readers, have differing interpretations of that statement.
I also know from what she said, that he also calls me THAT BITCH when pressed about it. Maybe this is his way not to slip up when talking to us?
I am thinking that, considering all the stress and pressure and humiliation in general I've undergone in the past few years, I've not done such a bad job. I believe my best work is yet to come.
D-Day should happen next week and then it will be only a matter of days before papers are filed.