disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 3:14 PM on Saturday, August 14th, 2021
I sexted with AP and my BH feels I gave the AP attention that I have never given him. Prior to my infidelity I had never sexted with my husband. On the one hand, my husband wants to know that I desire him and wants me to send him sexual messages but when I send them they make him angry and if I don't send sexual messages he also becomes angry. We talk about how to move forward a lot. I want my husband to know that I love and desire him without feeling like I'm just manipulating him and doing things out of shame or some sense of obligation. How do I express my attraction without causing him to trigger? I am trying to let go of the outcome and exist in life with him but that is easier said than done. My fear of causing triggers holds me back sexually with him.
maxfocs ( new member #78596) posted at 12:00 AM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021
the perspective is wrong, you don't have to ask yourself how to do it, you have to "be" if you don't feel your husband with the same dramatic transgressive passion you had for your AP, any attempt will fall on deaf ears ..
BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:05 AM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021
No stop sign. Your question really spoke to me, since I'm a BS and my WS sexted APs...but we had never sexted.
Like your BS, I feel like the APs were given intimacy that we had not had in our marriage. To me this is complicated. On one hand, I wish my WS would share that method of intimacy me...but in reality it WOULD be very triggering if he did so now. So I have not only never asked for it, when we discussed how sexting as a way of showing intimacy in our marriage was now complicated (read "ruined"...at least for now), I specifically requested he NOT be overly sexy/suggestive when texting me.
Have you spoken openly and gently with your BH about how this issue seems to have become a tender point in your communication?
Your post seems to well express your willingness to let him know that you do desire him, yet his response seems to show that this method doesn't really please him.
Can you discuss this difficult dynamic? How can you assure him of your desire without this trigger?
Is there a special phrase you could use in sexting? (A phrase that HE creates--to assure himself that it is unique to only your relationship with him and has never and WILL never be used with outsiders to the relationship.)
Are there things you should avoid in sexting him that would reduce his chances of triggering? (My fWH texts "I love you" to me daily, yet I asked him to not send any emojies in texts with me, since he used these a lot with his APs.)
Do you need to press pause on the sexting for now and show him your interest and desire for him in other ways?
[This message edited by BreakingBad at 12:43 AM, Sunday, August 15th]
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day
disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 1:21 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021
Thanks for the replies. maxfocs,I'm asking the question because I feel it for my husband. The challenge is that he doesn't feel I'm being sincere. BreakingBad, thank you for your openness and willingness to share your experience. I think open communication is the answer here. We do discuss this issue often. My husband is justifiably angry and will comment that I didn't need to ask AP any questions, I just got him off. He feels like I could do it for AP so I should be able to do it for him. I feel stuck (I'm not complaining when I say that). I shut down emotionally and sexually with my BH because I don't want my actions to trigger him. Then my inaction causes the trigger.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 4:06 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021
One way of looking at it, as someone once observed,is that after an affair "you therapist is also your rapist".
So the feelings of simultaneous attraction and repulsion are complex and strong.
Particularly when there is no support, as men often don't ask for it, and are mocked for it when they do, the only person they have is their spouse. So they are trapped in their own minds with no way out.
Did your BH ever confront the OM or expose him?
Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 6:22 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021
There are a couple things my WW did with her AP that we don’t do anymore. Some are things we did, some are things her and I never did.
These acts make her uncomfortable because she is worried about what I’m thinking/feeling.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any good answers. We still don’t do these things and yes, they are still triggers. There is no winning in this situation. If you do it, it’s a trigger for him. If you don’t, it’s a trigger for him.
Time does help.
Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 7:58 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021
Seems like a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. I don't see any solution here but perhaps some more experienced posters can provide some wisdom.
Jameson, do you feel comfortable elaborating?
BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:27 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021
WARNING: Some specific sexting suggestions ahead, so be mindful of triggers.
My husband...will comment that I didn't need to ask AP any questions, I just got him off. He feels like I could do it for AP so I should be able to do it for him. I feel stuck
So I'm sensing that you are stilted/uncomfortable when sexting your husband. The communication doesn't "flow" and that's part of the frustration on both of your parts (somewhat)??
Two more suggestions then, if you and your BH still want to proceed with sexting each other:
Ground it first in memories of what you love that he does to you. Be specific. "When you...[graphic content here]...I feel so turned on that I...[graphic content here]. Perhaps even describe some very specific memories of your mind-reel favs with your husband.
Most of us have had some really memorable sex with our significant others. Start by retelling one of those. If you start to get turned on, just continue by describing what's happening in the current moment.
I just wonder if you start from shared martial sex history maybe that would help ground sexting into a safer zone.
Lastly, do you need him to have a "safe word" during sexting, so that you can be confident that, if he has a negative trigger, he can send that to you to pause the session and you could just end with "Lookimg forward to seeing you when I get home. Love you!" or some other positive way to exit the session?
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day
disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 4:54 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021
survrus, he did not directly confront the APs. He did send a facebook message to one of the OMs wife. I do not have contact information for the other people that I sexted with. He has no closure because of this which adds to the triggers. He and I have spoken about the situation that I have forced him in as a betrayed man. He has nobody but me to talk with and I'm the person that is responsible for destroying him. Jameson1977, thank you for your response. The pain that I have caused is unforgivable and I'm not sure if time will help. The level of betrayal I have put upon my husband doesn't lessen with time. BreakingBad, thank you for your suggestions. I really appreciate your words. I think the idea of sexting talking through shared experiences with him is a great idea. To be able to reminisce together in a sexual way is a way to possibly strengthen our relationship.
RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 8:31 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021
I feel stuck (I'm not complaining when I say that). I shut down emotionally and sexually with my BH because I don't want my actions to trigger him. Then my inaction causes the trigger.
Okay, lets start with the positive of this. You recognize that it is a problem.
So, now, the hard part; what are YOU going to do about it?
To the BS, it is all about effort. The effort that the WS poured into their A. The effort that was denied to the BS. The passion/lust/energy invested into the AP, and the BS did not get any.... So, it goes to show that the WS is not as invested in the BS as they were with their AP. Which spirals down to the WS not caring about the BS, as the WS is not putting in as much effort into the BS, even though the WS says that they are....
So, now what creates another mindfuck is, even when the WS puts in the effort, it will also seem contrived. Like when the WS complains that BS is under 'duty' to tell them that they are good looking, as compared to their APs who freely tell the WS are good looking. The APs words were more 'genuine', as the APs were not 'duty bound'.
See the conundrum the WS have put themselves into by having a bit on the side?
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 12:15 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021
How about instead of sexting you write him sexy handwritten notes? Maybe you can hide them in different places, like his underwear drawer, the dashboard of his car, etc?
It takes a lot more effort than sexting, can be a fun game you play together, and doesn’t have the baggage of your AP. Also, it’s the type of game you can really only play with a spouse because you have knowledge of each other’s routines and unrestricted access to each other’s spaces.
Edit;add: This is just one example, but if you want to show your husband you genuinely care, you need to think outside the box. If the suggestion I offered doesn’t work, try something else… don’t throw your hands up and say “wah I’m stuck.”
Whether or not everything you try is irrelevant… the point is that you keep trying and win his trust back through action.
[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:19 PM, Monday, August 16th]
BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 10:32 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021
This is such a tough one. For me, it was learning that my H opened the car door for the OW when he had never done that for me. Once we started R, he started opening the door for me and I was like WTF is this? lol He told me that HE needed to do it for me because he had done it for her.
I didn't want him to open my door because it was a trigger, but then I was pissed when he didn't because she got more respect than I did. I was PISSED that she had been offered that first. It was a no-win situation. He finally said "Look, I'm going to open your door for you every time and you can be pissed if you want to, but I want/need to do this for you. Let me do this." It's still a tiny, tiny, tiny little trigger all these years later.
This is just one example, but if you want to show your husband you genuinely care, you need to think outside the box. If the suggestion I offered doesn’t work, try something else… don’t throw your hands up and say "wah I’m stuck."
This. I really like the idea of sexy notes.
[This message edited by 13YearsR at 10:33 PM, Monday, August 16th]
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem
DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married
Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 1:12 AM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021
You need to ask him what he needs- unless it’s wakadoo it’s not for you to judge
numb&dumb ( Guide #28542) posted at 4:02 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021
I think that you are sexting because you feel you have to or feel that you should. This is not lose on your BH.
It feels unnatural on both sides because it is. It is not genuine or it is perceived as inauthentic.
I would stop the sexting for the time being.
I will also note that being a BS comes with a huge amount of rejection. It is somewhat normal to demonstrate to WS what that rejection feels like. It is a safe way to show you how he feels without actually having those painful discussions.
Talk to him and try to get him to open up. He will get angry, but anger is a secondary emotion. There is a lot of pain lurking there. Anger sometimes has to burn itself out. When you talk let him get angry. Keep listening to him and asking follow up questions about his feelings. IC would help him and you as well.
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Bring it, life. I am ready for you.
Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 7:11 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021
I am going through this with my BS both with texting and being sexually intimate. The simple answer to how to do tis without causing a trigger, is you can't. They happen and they happen all the time. They especially happen when you're doing things associated with the affair.
We found speaking about it and understanding the trigger have helped. With texting, we do sexting and are now doing this on a regular basis. I usually initiate and will only continue if BS responds. If she does not then I will back off. This may be brought up in conversation via text or later in the day to confirm it was a trigger. We are also aware of words or emojis to avoid. We never did this before d-day, but do enjoy it when we have a sexting session. This is usually while were at work, so we build the anticipation for returning home.
With regards sex, we went through a phase of HB immediately after d-day and this is one subject we talked about a lot once I started to get my head out of my ass. I wrote a detailed time line of everything that happened in the affairs and this has caused a number of trigger areas. Some sexual acts are off the table while others need to be handled carefully. We have talked about this and while together, I can try things but if this is triggering then we stop that act and try something else. We have also spoken more about what we want to try and areas to experiment with (something we did not do prior to d-day) and physical intimacy is something we find has helped us find the bond and connection again when things are really tough.
My advise will be talk, understand the triggers and try and deal with them. It is a hard conversation and does dig up negative emotions, but it does help and shows your BS you care and want to try and work on recovery. Take things slowly and adopt the suggestions above. Hide notes around the house or in his lunch box. You don't have to and maybe should avoid doing exactly what you did with AP, but you can have fun finding new things and new ways of expressing yourself. Expressing your emotions and showing you're making an effort do help.
WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs. Two ONS (2000) D-Day's 2003 August '17 and Jan 21
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:39 AM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021
I had a well thought out response typed earlier and it disappeared. So...this will be a bit disjointed.
My WH had a LTA and they sexted a lot. I saw it all - much of it pornographic. WH wasn't starving for attention - we sexted frequently. I don't do it as much post DDays. And on the occasion I do, I then think OMG and have a bit if a smaller trigger. It a mindfuck.
Prior to the LTA we used to leave each other little notes with innuendos. Those have stopped.
There are times I totally lose my shit because I realize something little [such as how he likes to cuddle in his sleep] he did with LTAP too. Or how when we are walking on a sidewalk, he positions me so he is closest to traffic [but I'm sure he did that with LTAP too]. Even a cute emoji or gif in a text is a nuisance - because he did that cutsie stuff with LTAP too. What I once thought of as special was really just common.
He would try to bring things back - many I'm not receptive to [although I don't cruelly reject them]. That is collateral damage. He would try to do little things - I'd say "no thank you" more often than not.
Over the years since DDay1 - I have had many reactions. Rage, anger, sorrow, tears, indifference, panic attacks. The farther out from DDays I get the less extreme they are. And it like a spinning wheel - I can't predict where that will land, what reaction I will have and what intensity I will feel.
However, what I will tell you - is that while I was and am still in many ways not receptive to them [if they cause even the faintest trigger I just can't] - I remember him trying. I remember him reaching out to try.
Understand - what he really wants is this not to have happened. It is a long and painful journey to acceptance. For both of you. It is an even longer one to any type of reconciliation.
All this to say keep trying to figure out what works and what he will be receptive to. Understanding all the while this will change without a moment's notice. Your authenticity will be questioned for the longest time [if not outwardly, it will be a thought]. The reaction may not be a good one but on some level the try will be remembered. And what you have success with one day may still cause a trigger the next.
Stay calm. Stay loving. Stay present. Your reaction to his reaction will be remembered.
Be authentic. Proven behavior over time.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 4:57 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021
I haven't seen this said yet, but have you thought about not trying to stop your husband from triggering and instead think how to help him ride that curve?
It is part of the letting go of the outcome. He may feel like you are trying to control/lie to him when you send the sexting, so maybe keep it going, and then talk about why he doesn't like it when you send it. He needs to see how the sext itself isn't the problem, but probably an issue he has with you not feeling his pain.
Most triggers at their core are about the WS getting away with the cheating (Hurting the BS) and a lack of justice(No Consequences) or trust (feeling powerless). That then pushes the BS to be angry or sad and want to lash out.
I hope that helps.
NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 4:12 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021
"I think that you are sexting because you feel you have to or feel that you should. This is not lost on your BH.
It feels unnatural on both sides because it is. It is not genuine or it is perceived as inauthentic." -numb&dumb
IME, this hits the nail on the proverbial head. disgustedbyme, I can empathize with you and how you must be feeling right now. You appear to have a genuine sentiment of truly caring for, loving and wanting to please your H while also facing a catch-22 that resides at the core of the issue; He recognizes the fact that the only reason that you are sexting with him is because you got busted enjoying that pleasure with someone else. Not because you wanted to. Regardless of the rationale, had you wanted to share this experience with him you would have before the A and DD. He knows this.
This is just me and it's my hope that I am ultimately wrong (admittedly for selfish reasons). But I feel that when a WS shares an exclusive or first-time experience with the AP or when something is withheld until after DD, that it's possible for that experience to be completely ruined for the BS. The simple answer could be that the experience may forever remain painful for the BS. If so, the BS experiences "sour grapes" whenever they consider how something which would have been wanted and seen as a treat is really just your punishment. The purity of the experience becomes corrupted. For a narcissistic BS(certainly, they must exist), they may get a sense of schadenfreude from such a situation and will gladly roll with the new-found activity along with the added sweetness of it being a "punishment". But I suspect that for most BS's, they just feel a deep sense of agony within their being at something they wanted being so closely associated with the WS's punishment/the AP's exclusivity.
Between assessing my own personality and what I perceive from other members here who are good at articulating their feelings I'll add this caveat. It appears that the more sentimental the BS is the more likely they are to feel as noted above. The less sentimental they are, the less it may apply to them. You know your husband well enough to sort out where he may fit in.
One final bit on this. Even if he feels as I do, he may perceive genuine effort from you and find something good in knowing that it's on your radar and that you're not rug sweeping this profound loss of his.
[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 4:16 PM, Thursday, August 19th]
If, to date it's been accurate, trust your gut and not your ears.
disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 1:53 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021
Thank You to everyone that has responded to my post. I really appreciate all of the advice. This last week has been very difficult for my BH. He has been triggered for days and expressed a lot of anger. I have been patient and followed his lead - if he wanted to talk, I was present and when he needed space I gave it to him. When I was at work today I was missing him so I sent him a short text that I was looking forward to spending time with him tonight and shared with him that I am sexually attracted to him and that I don't know where we go from here but that I'm here with him. I need to find new ways, ways that are just ours, to express my love and attraction. A few of you suggested hand written notes. That really connected with me. I used to make coupon books and hand made cards for him when we were dating and early in our marriage. I used to write little notes and slip in his lunch bag when I packed his lunch. I like the idea of reconnecting with gestures from our past that were just ours as a way to build our future. Thanks again Everyone.
DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 6:59 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021
Something else I know works for expressing sexual attraction more than just saying. Mention articles of clothing that he looks most sexually attractive in. This will give him a way to put on those when he wants to be desired and not wear it, when he isn't looking for that feedback or comments. Just something I did for a while in a rebuilding self esteem book.