SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My divorce is nearing the end from a serial cheater. His last A was on and off for 3 years with the same AP(much younger girl that worked for STBWX). I stayed in limbo for 2.5 years before I filed in Oct 2020. He has our 2 children every other weekend. I have just discovered that he has introduced our children to his last AP. My 7 year old said to me yesterday that "daddy has a friend that is a girl but she is not his girlfriend, they are just friends". Of course I do not care for this girl around my children but I also accept that there is nothing that I can do about it. My concern is my ex lying to our children. Our oldest is 11 and very smart, it will certainly hurt him when he finds out who this girl really is. I am struggling with whether to let their father lie to them or tell them who this girl is.

I'm a fan of age appropriate truth.

There is nothing better than the truth.

Another vote for age appropriate truth. When my daughter was 11, she flat out asked me if Daddy cheated. I did not lie to her. I also didn't give details.

I think age appropriate truth. But just be careful not to burden the kids. If you are in IC maybe discuss the conversation with them beforehand. And talk to them without any emotion about it.

But I can imagine your kids would feel betrayed if they start really liking this person and getting attached only to find out that she cheated with their dad on their mom. They should get to form a relationship with her based on the truth.

I am in 100% agreement with age appropriate truth. When we told the kids that we were divorcing ex convinced me that we should tell them the generic mom and dad just grew apart crap. My 11 year old clearly didn't buy it and I realised right then that was the wrong thing to tell him and I didnt want him thinking marriage is that disposable so I sat him down and told him the age appropriate truth. In this case however, I am not sure how to approach it with them without seeming like I am just trying to be nasty and cause problems.

But your 11 year-old has not asked you anything? Maybe you should plan what to carefully and honestly say then. Not sure you should bring it up until your kids ask. I'm afraid you'd be forcing them into information they may not be ready to face, and also that you might appear vindictive to them, as if you are intentionally causing problems with their dad. But no, you should not lie when they ask.

I hate when people bring new love interests around their kids too quickly, especially disgusting former APs. What's the rush? He has 12 out of 14 days to see her without his kids! Why does he have to force this? Seems so selfish. The kids have had so much change already.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:06 AM, August 6th (Friday)]

Yes exactly OwningIt! He sees his children 4 days a month. That time should be precious and focused on them! I expect it's only a matter of time before he is so busy with his girlfriend that he doesn't want them on his weekends either. In fact he is able to take them for 10 consecutive days over the summer and he contacted me last minute to bring then home to me 3 days early just 2 weeks ago.

[This message edited by Millgirl at 4:12 PM, Friday, August 6th]

Interesting that your child specifically said:

but she is not his girlfriend, they are just friends

There’s opinion out there not to disclose but IMO that’s wrong, you should tell your kids the truth. It’s your husband’s error lying to your kids. He could have introduced her without labels, shouldn’t have intro’d her in the first place without discussing with you. Now you have to clean the mess. I wouldn’t let a lie linger out there. I’m sorry Millgirl you’re in this position maybe research the age appropriate way of divulging. Good luck.

Oh yes. The youngest has come home many times clearly coached on exactly what to say about a person or situation. Last time it was about a different girl. Imagine a 6 year old coming home and telling you that a girl named "_____ was at dads house but she only came because she was from another town and didn't want to use a public bathroom", then go on to tell me about how she watched her play video games all evening. And I have been fed the "we are just friends" crap our entire marriage so it's no surprise that is what he chooses to continue with his kids.

[This message edited by Millgirl at 4:41 PM, Friday, August 6th]

Maybe you can say "I know you said XXXX is daddy's friend and they aren't boyfriend/girlfriend, but they were boyfriend/girlfriend while mommy and daddy were married. It was a secret that they kept from me and I don't want to keep a secret, I want to be honest with you. It won't hurt my feelings if you like her and I hope you have a good time at daddy's house, but I will always be honest with you. XXXX isn't mommy's friend, she helped daddy keep the secret and cheat". Maybe not that verbatim, but kind of that idea.

And yes total bullshit to bring a woman around when he has the kids so rarely.

Don't lie to your kids. They look up to you. Kids are smarter than we think. Eventually this "friend" will be a partner. It's not your responsibility to cover his tracks.

Agree with others, don't lie to the kids. There is no Judge or Jury that can penalize you for telling the truth. YOu just tell the truth in an age appropriate manner, and do not bash the WH either. Just the truth is all you need. Right it down, or record it and you can sleep well at night knowing you told the truth.